This is The Day I Married Papa
A story about how grooming begins
My mama had a lot of man-friends, and they were all mean spirited. Tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, fat ones- It was like they were the same man with different faces.
Most of the time they hurt me and mama both when they got mad. I tried to keep to my room and even made myself a hidey-hole in the closet.
Sometimes Mama’s man-friends tried creeping into my room, but I hid really good and they couldn’t find me. When Mama caught one of them doin' that, she clonked him right upside the head with a baseball bat she kept around just for emergencies.
Mama dragged that man out the door and left him on the porch. Then she called me over to sit with her.
Mama smiled at me and lit a cigarette. I thought Mama looked pretty with the orange glow from her cigarette on her face.
Many were the times, I snatched a cigarette from Mama’s purse to try and be pretty, too. I never got the hang of lighting cigarettes, though. When I caught fire in the shed out back, Mama got wise and kept a closer eye on her purse.
“Listen, Angel,” Mama said, “Ain’t no man allowed in your room, you hear? Your room is for girls only.
Next time I got a man friend over, you lock your door, hear?”
Mama patted my head, then she spent all morning making a big breakfast. Sometimes there were nice mornings like that with Mama. Only when it was just us two, though.
My daddy was one of Mama’s man-friends. Mama didn’t know which one and didn’t care to find out.
I didn’t care either. I thought all men were mad and liked to beat up on people. I was just fine without another one around.
One morning I woke up to the smell of breakfast; eggs, grits, bacon, and pancakes!
I ran right out of the room for my nice morning with Mama. I stopped in my tracks when I saw a man sitting there at the table. Mama had met this one at some bar or the other and he was a real sweet talker.
“You must be Angel,” he said, “You’re as pretty as your mama. Why don’t you come sit over here with us? I brought some fresh oranges.”
I didn’t know how to act. Generally, I just stayed as far away as I could, but he sounded really nice. Besides, oranges were a favorite of mine.
After a moment thinking, I ran on over and sat myself down. I grabbed an orange and went to town on it.
“I told you she loved oranges,” Mama said.
“You sure did!” he laughed. “I’ll bring a barrel full next time!”
The new man-friend came over every day. He always brought me and Mama candy and presents.
“You can call me Papa, Baby Girl,” he said and put a brand new doll in my arms.
I liked him. He talked softly and never yelled. He made Mama laugh. I never heard her laugh like that before.
Papa looked like a movie star. He had a big ole smile, straight white teeth, and smooth tan skin. He even had dimples poked into both sides of his face. His eyes were bright green, and boy did they crinkle up when he smiled that big smile!
Papa held me on his lap and told me I was his Baby Girl. I kinda liked him holdin' me like that ‘cause I hadn’t had no one hold me before. Every time Papa sat down, I ran right to him. He always had a bunch of candy in his pockets and let me grab as much as I wanted.
I reckon that’s what made Papa think I was in love with him. I didn’t know what “in love” was.
Papa told me that “in love” was a special warm feeling you got when someone made you happy.
“You make me happy, Baby Girl,” he said, “Do I make you happy?”
Papa made me a kind of happy I had only felt one time before. It was when I snuck an old cat in my room. I had it for a long time before Mama found it and threw it out. I snuggled up with my cat at night and it made the loud sounds from Mama’s room not so scary. I was in love with that cat. I reckoned I must be in love with Papa, too.
I nodded because my mouth was full of chocolate caramel.
Papa grinned, “That means you’re in love with me, Baby Girl. It makes me very happy because I’m in love with you, too. Let’s have a secret love club, okay?”
Papa held out his pinky like when you make a promise. I put my pinky out, too. He was crying.
“Why are you sad, Papa?” I held him in a tight hug, “Don’t be sad!”
Papa whispered, “I’m not sad. I’m very, very happy. I want to be with you always. Would you like that?”
I giggled, kissed his cheek and ran down the hall with my doll. Papa up and popped Mama the question real soon after that.
He bought me and Mama pretty dresses, and we went to a marrying place. When we got there, Papa kissed my cheek and sat me down on a bench.
Papa whispered, “I’m really marrying you, Baby Girl.”
I swung my pretty new shoes back and forth under the bench watchin’ them twinkling. Then I ate chocolates and watched him and Mama get hitched.
Mama was looking real pretty and grinning ear to ear. She held her hand out, showing off her pretty ring. Papa came over and put a ring on my finger, too.
He whispered, “Now we are married.”
He kissed my cheek and took my hand. We all held hands and walked to his big car. We weren’t going back to our broken-down old house.
Papa was bringin' us home.
I wondered if this was what having a family felt like.
A Note From the Author
This story is fiction. However, it illustrates the beginning of a process known as grooming. Child grooming is a very real method used by sexual predators.
Dr. Michael Welner describes grooming on Oprah.com as follows;
Grooming is the process by which an offender draws a victim into a sexual relationship and maintains that relationship in secrecy. The shrouding of the relationship is an essential feature of grooming. Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner explains the six stages that can lead up to sexual molestation.
The grooming sex offender works to separate the victim from peers, typically by engendering in the child a sense that they are special to the child and giving a kind of love to the child that the child needs. Different law enforcement officers and academics have proposed models of the “stages” of grooming. Since there are a variety of these models, it’s best to think of the grooming by sex offenders as a gradual, calculated process that ensnares children into a world in which they are ultimately a willing part of the sex abuse.
Stage 1: Targeting the victim
The offender targets a victim by sizing up the child’s vulnerability—emotional neediness, isolation and lower self-confidence. Children with less parental oversight are more desirable prey.
Stage 2: Gaining the victim’s trust
The sex offender gains trust by watching and gathering information about the child, getting to know his needs and how to fill them. In this regard, sex offenders mix effortlessly with responsible caretakers because they generate warm and calibrated attention. Only more awkward and overly personal attention, or a gooey intrusiveness, provokes the suspicion of parents. Otherwise, a more suave sex offender is better disciplined for how to push and poke, without revealing themselves. Think of the grooming sex offender on the prowl as akin to a spy—and just as stealth.
Stage 3: Filling a need
Once the sex offender begins to fill the child’s needs, that adult may assume noticeably more importance in the child’s life and may become idealized. Gifts, extra attention, affection may distinguish one adult in particular and should raise concern and greater vigilance to be accountable for that adult
Stage 4: Isolating the child
The grooming sex offender uses the developing special relationship with the child to create situations in which they are alone together. This isolation further reinforces a special connection. Babysitting, tutoring, coaching and special trips all enable this isolation.A special relationship can be even more reinforced when an offender cultivates a sense in the child that he is loved or appreciated in a way that others, not even parents, provide. Parents may unwittingly feed into this through their own appreciation for the unique relationship.
Stage 5: Sexualizing the relationship
At a stage of sufficient emotional dependence and trust, the offender progressively sexualizes the relationship. Desensitization occurs through talking, pictures, even creating situations (like going swimming) in which both offender and victim are naked. At that point, the adult exploits a child’s natural curiosity, using feelings of stimulation to advance the sexuality of the relationship.
When teaching a child, the grooming sex offender has the opportunity to shape the child’s sexual preferences and can manipulate what a child finds exciting and extend the relationship in this way. The child comes to see himself as a more sexual being and to define the relationship with the offender in more sexual and special terms.
Stage 6: Maintaining control
Once the sex abuse is occurring, offenders commonly use secrecy and blame to maintain the child’s continued participation and silence—particularly because the sexual activity may cause the child to withdraw from the relationship.
Children in these entangled relationships—and at this point they are entangled—confront threats to blame them, to end the relationship and to end the emotional and material needs they associate with the relationship, whether it be the dirt bikes the child gets to ride, the coaching one receives, special outings or other gifts. The child may feel that the loss of the relationship and the consequences of exposing it will humiliate and render them even more unwanted.
Read more at… http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Child-Sexual-Abuse-6-Stages-of-Grooming