avatarToni Tails

Summary

The content describes an individual's ongoing trauma from being raped by their father daily since the age of four.

Abstract

The author recounts a deeply personal and harrowing experience of repeated sexual abuse by their father, starting from a very young age. The narrative conveys the persistent and intrusive nature of the trauma, which disrupts the author's daily life and interactions, leaving them feeling helpless and disconnected from their own body. Despite the passage of time, the author struggles with the aftermath of the abuse, facing societal pressure to "move on" while they grapple with the vivid and haunting memories that continue to affect their present reality.

Opinions

  • The author expresses a sense of powerlessness and victimization in the face of their father's abuse, emphasizing the stark size and power disparity between a giant man and a little girl.
  • There is a clear frustration towards societal expectations to quickly recover from such traumatic experiences, as evidenced by the direct quotes challenging the notion that the past should be easily left behind.
  • The author conveys a deep-seated desire for escape and release from the ongoing mental and emotional torment caused by the abuse, even to the point of wishing for physical dissociation or death.
  • The vivid and graphic descriptions of the abuse serve to highlight the author's lingering trauma and the involuntary recall of the abuse during seemingly unrelated moments in their adult life.
  • The author's recounting of the abuse is a form of resistance and reclamation of their narrative, challenging the reader to confront the uncomfortable reality of child sexual abuse and its long-lasting impact.

My Father Rapes Me Everyday

It’s not over when it’s over

photo of an androgynous child with wide blue eyes by Ulkar — license purchased by the author

I was four years old the first time my father raped me.

He’s raped me every day since.

It happens when I least expect it

During a lover’s kiss or while rocking my baby to sleep

I’m here and now — then SNAP!

I am there and then

Helpless and tiny

Giant Man vs Little Girl

He wins every time.

You tell me,

“The past is in the past!”

“Get over it, already.”

“It’s time to move on!”

Do you think I want to relive this nightmare?

Did I choose this life?

Was running around in only a diaper asking for it?

Was my naked toddler flesh too seductive?

Did I entice him with my thumb in my mouth?

Stop staring at me, Dad

I’m tired of your blue eyes

And your beard in my face

I’m tired of my nails digging my skin into scars

My eyes forgetting to blink because they are afraid of the dark

My body existing on a plane separate from me

Wishing it would rot and die

So I could be free

If for only a moment, I could fly away

I’d jump from that plane and enjoy the fall

Ready to crash and break into a million pieces

Ready to finally escape

Your hands

Your mouth

Your goddamn dick in my mouth

A four-year-old shouldn’t know what cum tastes like

You don’t like reading that?

The past is the past

Get over it

Move on

I can’t

Poetry
Women
Child Sexual Abuse
Rape
Mental Health
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