The Stages of Sexual Grooming vs. Experience

My father sexually groomed me, and this is how my experience lines up with theory

I was four years old in my oldest memory of sexual contact. I didn’t realize the extent of the abuse I suffered because my abuser was sexually grooming me. My abuser was my father.

Grooming is the process by which an offender draws a victim into a sexual relationship and maintains that relationship in secrecy. The shrouding of the relationship is an essential feature of grooming.

- Dr. Michael Welner

Sexual grooming is a gradual process. It takes a long time to cultivate a victim. The hope is that the sexually groomed child will feel that they are entering into a consensual sexual relationship.

Dr. Welner wrote an article¹ that described six stages of sexual grooming. The following is how the six stages lined up with my first-hand experience as a sexually groomed child.

Stage 1: Targeting a victim

The first thing an offender does is target their victim. More often than not, the victim isn’t far from home. Many choose their prey within their walls as it’s easier to sneak around that way.

I don’t know when my father decided to target me. For a long time, I thought of his sexual abuse as an impulse. Looking back, I can see that he planned his advances for times when my mother wouldn’t be home.

Stage 2: Gaining a victim’s trust

Stage 2 is when the sex offender starts weaseling their way into a child’s life. They need the child to trust them. They are cautious here because if they reach too far, it could make the child’s caregivers suspicious.

My father had an easy time here. He didn’t have to gain my trust. He had it before I even knew the definition of the word.

Stage 3: Filling a need

At this stage, the sex offender wants to become prominent in their intended victim’s life. They begin to give the child gifts and spend time with them doing activities the child enjoys.

My father would hide in his bedroom with a pile of porn magazines. In the magazines were cartoons that he liked to read to me in the same way that he read me picture books from the library.

Stage 4: Isolating the child

Stage 4 is when an offender works to isolate the child from those who could protect them. They do this by putting themselves between the child and their caregivers. They make the child feel like they understand them better than anyone else possibly could

My father continued this practice throughout my childhood. He often beat me in response to my mother’s anger at me. He would then take me aside and apologize. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, but he had to, or mama would leave him.

Stage 5: Sexualizing the relationship

Stage 5 starts with touching and finding ways to be naked together. Swimming or bathing is an excuse often used by a sex offender. The offender will touch the child in ways that feel good. They will slowly move their hands to places the child feels uncomfortable, but they won’t push it too fast. They want the child to look forward to their touch, so they are careful.

My father started his abuse by masturbating while I looked at pornographic cartoons in magazines. I didn’t realize that was what he was doing at the time. Eventually, he had me touch him while he ejaculated.

Stage 6: Maintaining control

“Once the sex abuse is occurring, offenders commonly use secrecy and blame to maintain the child’s continued participation and silence — particularly because the sexual activity may cause the child to withdraw from the relationship.” — Dr. Welner

My father used his power as an authority figure to wield control. He created sexual situations in seemingly innocuous circumstances. He bathed me every day. We often took showers together. He’d wash me and have me wash him.

How Does Experience Line Up with Theory?

1. Targeting — He saw an opportunity to act in our alone time together.
2. Trust — He knew I trusted him and manipulated that to his advantage.
3. Need — I longed for his attention and time, and he provided both.
4. Isolate — He worked on causing a division between my mother and me.
5. Sexualize — He found underhanded ways to gratify his sexual impulses.
6. Control — He maintained control as an authority figure and by withholding affection.

The circumstances are set up easily for a predator when they have a child in their home, but they still follow the same primary stages. It’s almost like there is a handbook included in the psychology of a sexual predator.

Note from the Author

I’ve experienced sexual abuse from several different people in my childhood, and I plan to examine these in future articles to see how they line up with theories as well.

Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner has worked on some of the most sensitive cases in America in recent years, from Andrea Yates to the kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart. He is the lead researcher of an evidence-based measure to standardize the worst of crimes at DepravityScale.org. Dr. Welner is an associate professor of psychiatry at NYU School of Medicine and is chairman of The Forensic Panel.¹

¹ Six Stages of Sexual Grooming