THE PRO FILES : BETWEEN TWO PALMS

THE SMILLEW INTERVIEW

Writer Q & A with Smillew Raw Chef brought to you live from Domingo Tranquillo, Acapulco : ¡Viva Mexico!

What Smillew Rahcuef does not know is this “interview” is an intervention. Ever since his Grandma Smillew joined medium.coma, she’s let it be known that she is quite worried about the poor boy’s addiction to social media. She cannae seem to get across to him the internet will fail permanently on the Patrick Eades of August. 2023.

It is Smillew’s most frequent tweet: “I just farted” on the platform currently owned by the B$ario Muskrat that concerns her.

We’ve settled in with our umbrella drinks at sunset en la playa cerca de Domingo Tranquillo, where Smillew (aka, Miles Chauffer) once worked as Madam Georgia’s limo driver.

Angie: We miss you, Smiley. Remember the naked swivel chair races on the sixth floor?

Smillew: Oh yes, I remember. I miss you too, but after what Adrian Moine did to us, I left and didn’t have the strength to say goodbye.

Karen L. Sullivan: Why do you wear the furry hat? Did a goat eat your hair?

Smillew: Yes, it happened when I was seven, and after that incident, my hair refused to grow. Scientists studied the phenomenon and named it goatism. But there’s a silver lining to this story. As I got older, I became more creative and started to retell an extended disco version of the event. It became known as the goat joke in college, and I was invited to all the cool parties to share it. Fun memories. You can read the goat joke here.

carrie ann: is it true you blew the only good job you ever had? sushi chef at Uvebruce’s atlanta restaurant?

Smillew RawChef: Yes. It’s all because of Uvebruce and a distasteful kitchen joke. As a beginner sushi chef, I was in charge of cooking the rice and wasn’t allowed anywhere close to the fish. One evening, while the sushi master was on a sake break, Uvebruce entered and told me a client had ordered the most expensive sushi on our menu, the fugu sushi. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I tricked the clients into thinking this was a luxury item by giving them a metal tag each time they ordered one. But it’s easy to prepare, even you can do it! You only have to blow on the fish before putting it on the rice. Here you go.”

Uvebruce hadn’t lied about the metal tags, he used the same trick to great financial success later (more details here), but when the sushi master came back and saw me blowing a fugu fish, I was — as you can imagine — fired on the spot. I was actually lucky not to die.

Ann James: Do you have an old pair of shoes to sell?

$millew: Yes, it’s an exclusive offer for associates of my Top Hat Seminar.

James Bellerjeau: How come no one accepts #Smillewcoins as payment anymore?

$millew: Please be assured this is a temporary matter that you should disregard when considering #SmillewCoins for investment purposes that are not financial advice. As we speak, my team of scientists is working on a foolproof way to increase #SmillewCoins’ value by 20% (here’s the white paper), and everything should be back to normal in the coming days.

James Bellerjeau: How is it that no one has seen you and Grandma Smillew at the same time?

Smillew: It’s called quantic metempsychosis. I don’t have time to go into details here, but this article I wrote some time ago should enlighten you. (You might need to click a few links to understand the concept fully.)

Jamie Bellerjeau: Imagine a world where you’re allowed only a single link to a single story. What story do you choose?

Smiley: Girl! I’m glad you asked! I choose this story by Elodie Ferreira.

https://elodief.medium.com/do-you-have-a-daughter-9357719857e0

Stephanie: When was the last time you wore calzoncillos on your head?

Miles L. W. Chaufer: It was in September 2021. There’s a picture here if you want.

May More 💜 Tales: It is well known you like fucking frozen chickens instead of eating them. So what do you think of cannibalism? Do you like to eat people rather than fuck them?

Smillew: Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to meet my Medium heroes in real life, and then there’s May More. She writes one of her crazy stories and reminds me it’s too easy for people to lie online. I’m one of the few online writers who always tell the truth. Be careful, everybody! Some people are deceitful, don’t let them eat you.

Katie: What’s your favorite garbage?

Smillew: I’m a bit ashamed and thought of telling you it’s the one that holds all my unpublished articles, but while I like it a lot, it’s not my all-time favorite. My favorite garbage is in my shopping mall’s movie theater, near Screen 2 (the largest one). No matter the screening time, there’s always some leftover popcorn waiting for me (and my seven kids).

Mark Suroviec, M.Ed.: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening? And has six noses, three spleens, a quad-chambered liver, and an amazing sense of smell? And pees sitting down, but poops standing up? And flosses regularly? And only wears plaid miniskirts? And causes the Spinx to roll its eyes?

Smillew: That’s super easy! It’s a Markasaurowiecus on a Birthday Crawl.

Queen Ann (no ‘e’): Ax or wood chipper? Never mind. That’s a done deal.

ann james: Merci, Smillew. So pleased you’ve refrained from shameless self promotion.

Dear Readers,

If there are anymore questions for Sir Smillew, please post them in your responses to this interviewention.

Thanks to all who participated. Your trophy is in the mail.