The satirical lobbyist
Why Pay for Scientific Research When You Can Just Make It Up?
The latest developments in Artificial Intelligence present opportunities you don’t want to miss
I’m what you would call an unscrupulous asshole that cares only for himself, his comfort, and — part of — his family. (Aunt Mildred and her moral standards can go fuck themselves.) But I prefer to call myself a lobbyist.
Some would say my specialization consists in bullshitting the public opinion by all means legally available. And by legally, I mean not being caught. But I prefer to call it perspectivized information.
My motto?
“There are always two sides of a coin, and if they don’t match your narrative, we can always get another coin.”
Scientific research has always been my go-to for perspectivized information. Nothing more trustworthy than an unreadable article published in the “New and Truthful Journal of Exceptional Scientific Research.”
A controversial abstract loaded with powerful keywords can go a long way. Which journalist will read the rest of the article when the first few lines give the sweet clickbaity headline they were looking for?
Even a few years ago, we still had to invest significant amounts of money to perspectivize research. Way back in the previous century, the Tobacco industry had set a golden standard with a six steps strategy that we all followed.
I’m not saying it didn’t work, but it was costly.
Finding unscrupulous scientists is always a bit of a hassle. Lots of them still have this rosy vision of science as a vocation and a mission. Some of them don’t even particularly care for money.
Would you believe that? I didn’t know such people existed until I tried to buy scientists for our industry-funded, non-peer-reviewed publications. Sorry, I meant hire scientists. They’re a bit touchy about the words sometimes.
And I always feel bad when I need to suppress research unsupportive to my clients’ positions. It feels morally wrong to make the scientists work hard, and the clients pay hefty amounts of money for some research we end up not using.
Kidding. I don’t care. Except that sometimes scientists and clients complain. In extreme cases, I even have to let go of my commission. That’s pretty annoying.
But thanks to the latest developments in Artificial Intelligence, these are issues of the past.
Improvements in computer algorithmic and the incredible amount of scientific papers published in the last decades make it easy for artificial intelligence to learn how to reliably produce trustworthy scientific papers that say exactly what we want.
No more research to sweep under the carpet. No need to blackmail incorruptible scientists anymore. AI is always biased in the right direction. And I can focus on writing the controversial abstracts I love.
Smillew is a Medium satirist who writes about social justice, his Medium newsletter, and his Medium referral link. No need to follow him; he’ll show up in your feed.
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