Don’t look at the kicker, look at my navel instead

The Fascination For My Belly Button

I’m a late bloomer and only recently realized the beauty of my navel

I am so very sorry for all these hours wasted hiking in nature and looking at paintings in museums when I could have stayed home and looked at my fascinating navel.

Can you imagine the time lost reading millions of words written by narcissistic strangers when I could have scrutinized the delicate intricacies of my belly button?

Navel-gazing isn’t something I invented, but I pride myself on being an expert practitioner. The tradition goes back thousands of years to Greece and maybe even more (to Egypt? Other civilizations?)

The Greek philosophers are the lighthouses that guide my navel explorations. And if there’s one quote I remember from all that wasted reading time, it’s this one by Seneca.

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love, and to hold such a navel.”

Digging my little finger inside my belly button is a blissful pleasure I, unfortunately, cannot share in words. I don’t think that even the most illustrious poets like William Topaz McGonagall could find the rhymes to describe this bellorgasm (or navorgasm), as I like to call it. But I’m exploring possibilities of sharing it on TikTok and Instagram because I want to inspire people.

We’re all visual creatures, and I cannot fathom what would be better than to gift extended-play videos of my navel to your family and friends for Christmas. But I’m also a left-wing liberal, and I want ALL OF YOU to have access to this masterpiece of beautiful art that is my belly button.

Even poor people

That’s why I decided to share extracts of my videos for free on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube.

You could also join my tribe of navel gazers that get free pictures bi-monthly or upgrade for a very reasonable fee to the exclusive platinum membership of the Top Hat Seminar that gives you exclusive navel-gazing access on Zoom and my Telegram channel.

And now I have something I need to share with you

It hurts, but I need to do it to be true to myself and an example for all. I’m a late bloomer, and that’s a cross I will have to bear for the rest of my life.

To all the people who died before I realized my navel was so fantastic, I say:

• I’m sorry.
• I’m sorry I couldn’t share this beauty with you.
• And I’m sorry you didn’t have a chance to illuminate your lives with the godlike vision of my belly button.

As a penance for my sin, I will hold a twenty-four-hour live broadcast of my belly button on All Saints’ Day — from a different cemetery each year. I trust my followers and my navel gazers’ exclusive-platinum-tier-membership to choose the best cemeteries.

I need you.

I’m not all-powerful.

I don’t know which cemeteries have the best lighting and the most people coming for All Saints’ Day.

I know I can count on you all, and it makes me want to look at my navel more.

It’s time to leave you, my friendly navel lovers. I will end with a slightly paraphrased quote from Seneca:

“There’s power in unity, and if we all look in the same direction, the direction of my navel, we can change the world.”

References: Who Are Your Navel Heroes? Would You Like Your Navel to Be 6,565 Times Bigger than Your Neighbor’s? My Plan To Make $100,000 With My Navel Within the Next 365 Days