On Slut Shaming, Protecting Your Energy, and The Tantric Path

I wasn’t raised with Catholic guilt, so I never felt particularly guilty or shamed for wanting to explore my sexuality as freely as I desired.

I received basic sex ed in school, my parents taught me the minimum but provided me with some educational books (mostly about the processes of puberty), and I was a naturally curious, precocious teen. Yet, as someone socially awkward in my youth, I didn’t even get to have my first kiss in high school, though not for lack of wanting it.

Though my first sexual encounter (apart from my solo explorations) was not until my first year of college, I quickly made up for lost time. My first serious lover was experienced with being dominant and engaging in fantasy play, and I was not only willing but eager for all of it. So eager was I, in fact, that he genuinely could not — and would not — believe that he was my first real lover.

I’d lost my virginity somewhat drunkenly the summer before my first real relationship while on vacation on a beach with a stranger in an exotic locale. It was a quick and largely forgettable experience; and though I was gratified to have finally lost my virginity, the experience of that mythical state of ecstatic connection that I’d so deeply fantasized about and yearned for was ultimately a let-down.

So my relationship with my first long-term lover, an experienced and generous partner, was my first real relationship, both sexual and otherwise. We made meals together, went on walks and dates together, and shared dreams and aspirations; in the bedroom, I was his willing student as he taught me various positions and we indulged in play with blindfolds and handcuffs.

Though I was an eager submissive and muse to my lover, we also had a deeper emotional and intimate connection. So it hurt me that, because of my openness and submissiveness with him, he didn’t believe me that I was as inexperienced as I was. And it hurt me that he wanted to at least stay lovers even when I’d moved on (quite literally, geographically, as I’d returned to my university, and he was a hometown lover, as well as romantically) and developed another serious relationship. In my mind, his wanting to continue our sexual relationship after the summer romance we’d shared together cheapened the depth of the connection that we’d had together, and so we drifted apart and lost touch.

My next lover, my first and most memorable long-term boyfriend in my college, was both jealous and competitive. It was a destructive yet passionate combination. We were young and unable to stay monogamous with each other; and because of our youth and the larger cultural expectations of monogamy, we also drifted apart and lost touch.

This whirlwind trend I’d developed of breaking off relationships because of the failure of monogamy, unexpressed assumptions, and failures in communication, has continued essentially to this day, through my 20s and 30s. My experiences have clarified for me that while there is a certain allure in having sexual freedom, intimate connections are a primal form of energetic connection. I emphatically believe that no one should be slut shamed for being free in their sexual explorations and that such sexual freedom and exploration can even be foundational, even profoundly so, for one coming into one’s own sexual powers.

As polyamory and alternative models of relationships have evolved (being “monogamish,” the swingers lifestyle, kitchen table polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, etc.) and become more mainstream, I’ve begun to be able to be more open in my relationships, and I’ve seen the same increased transparency increasingly on the part of my partners. The fading of the mythos of monogamy and the emerging mainstream acceptance of other intimate models for dating and relationships has helped to promote deeper honesty and transparency in my more recent relationships, or what may now be called situationships.

At the same time, as I’ve gained experience, maturity, and wisdom, I’ve also learned to become more conscious and protective of my energy. While I disagree with judgments that women who are hedonistic and promiscuous with their energy are “loose” women and are somehow therefore damaged or cheapened goods, I do also believe that such hedonistic exploration should be tempered with reality, with spirituality, and grounded by at least one primary deeper intimate connection. This also entails repairing your energetic connection with yourself and honoring your boundaries, needs, and love languages.

The hook-up and dating culture that has fostered a rendering of dating and intimacy as disposable and shallow encourages a superficial way of connecting, and it dishonors the sacredness and the depth of our existence, wherein I believe the spiritual and sexual are intertwined.

As I’ve written in my article, “Men, It Serves You to Acknowledge a Woman’s Spirituality,” when we are conscious and embodied in our intimate intentions, the connection becomes that much more profound. A sexual connection does create an energetic bond, and unfortunately, our hook-up, app-driven culture, and the proliferation and prevalence of p*rn encourage the degradation of both the divine masculine and divine feminine energies. As Kühn and Gallinat (2014) found, excessive p*rn watching can even decrease grey matter in the brain, affecting the information processing center. There is a cost to degrading sexuality, so much so that the World Health Organization has even recognized dysfunctional sexual behaviors such as excessive p*rn watching as a “compulsive sexual behavior disorder” (Brueck, 2018). In contrast, when we see sexuality as a way to heal, connect, and raise our vibration, sexuality becomes a way for us to connect to and develop our spiritual selves.

As I wrote in the aforementioned article, “A woman in touch with herself, her spirituality, her femininity, and her sexuality can help bring you two to higher dimensions together. While all good sex may be considered psychedelic and orgasmic in its ability to invoke ego-death and heights of bliss, tantric level sex can become a portal to a higher consciousness and to a way of being where one exists in a constant state of being in love with and connected to the world.” This is a description of the very real act of kundalini awakening.

So, while I fully respect everyone who embraces his or her inner slut, I also believe in the importance of becoming discerning with one’s sexual energy and boundaries with age, wisdom, and experience. A sexual connection that deepens over time and that is grounded in a more holistic connection can help lovers reach new heights of both pleasure and consciousness together. Sexual energy is our life force, and as such, it is intimately bound to our spirituality.

Furthermore, polyamory, or being a swinger or consensually non-monogamous should not be taken as a license to be a creeper or to feel entitled to someone else’s energy. As I’ve written in another article, “Why We Should Bring Back Courtship, Even as the Mythos of Monogamy Deteriorates,” “our capitalist, superficial culture has caused us to be disconnected from our bodies and to participate in the commodification of our bodies. When we are aligned in ourselves, we recognize that our bodies are physical extensions of our spiritual selves.” To own your energetic power is ultimately a political act.

I’ve also reminded men that, while they believe that women need to earn respect, a certain level of decency and civility toward women should be a given. Likewise, men need to be reminded that they, too, need to earn not only a woman’s respect, but also her trust, her energy, and any access she may decide to yield to him.

I’ve come full circle, or rather progressed in a spiral, from being a late-bloomer virgin to falling into the slut/hedonist/wh*re archetype, to now embodying the tantrika/healer archetype in my belief that spirituality is found not from renouncing the pleasure of the senses, but from embracing the divine nature of existence, the senses (including sexuality), and spirituality. In my development, I’ve learned to be discerning and to protect my energetic boundaries. In my shift toward a tantric (and shamanistic) approach to life, I’ve become more conscious of how I show up in the world, honoring the divine connection and life force between myself and the world, and with lovers through kundalini energy exchange.

In learning to honor myself and my journey, I’m reminded not to play small. See for instance this meta-analysis by Endendijk, van Baar, & Deković, He is a Stud, She is a Slut! A Meta-Analysis on the Continued Existence of Sexual Double Standards (2020), which explains some of why, given the existence of sexual double standards, women face greater pressures to be monogamous and play small in our powers.

As a tantrika, a mother, and a healing practitioner (working not only with sensuality and health coaching, but also with earth medicines), I’m experienced in energetics, in portals, and in embracing the divinity of sensuality and intimacy. Access to my, or any woman’s, sexuality should be approached accordingly, with reverence. And as with any great freedom, there also comes a reciprocal level of responsibility — to both oneself and to one’s partners.

Resources:

Coffey, Rebecca. (June 2, 2014). “What’s Really Behind Slut-Shaming. Women Do It As Much as Men: Here’s Why.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-bejeezus-out-me/201406/whats-really-behind-slut-shaming

Endendijk, J. J., van Baar, A. L., & Deković, M. (2020). He is a Stud, She is a Slut! A Meta-Analysis on the Continued Existence of Sexual Double Standards. Personality and social psychology review: an official journal of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, Inc, 24(2), 163–190. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868319891310

Foreman, Chad. (2023). “Unleashing the Full Power of the Tantric Path.” The Tantric Way. Retrieved from https://www.thewayofmeditation.com.au/unleashing-the-full-power-of-the-tantric-path

Kühn S, Gallinat J. (2014). Brain Structure and Functional Connectivity Associated With Pornography Consumption: The Brain on Porn. JAMA Psychiatry. 71(7):827–834. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2014.93

Samma Karuna Awakening & Healing. (January 8, 2020). “What is Tantra?” Retrieved from https://www.sammakaruna.org/what-is-tantra/

Swann Center for Intimacy and Relationships. (n.d.) Tantric Intimacy. Retrieved from https://www.swanncenter.com/tantric#:~:text=Tantra%20is%20a%20Sanskrit%20word,the%20divine%20tapestry%20of%20life.

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