My Biggest Relationship Revelations of the Year

Just when you think you know yourself…

After being with the same guy for fourteen years, I was sure I had everything figured out.

I was kind of bored, but not because of him.

I was a stay-at-home mom to four young kids. I had gone through a few moves, left behind old friends and struggled to make new ones.

I was tired. I was worn out. Sometimes I just felt like I was counting the days as they went by.

But we were good. That wasn’t up for discussion. If one thing was going well and had always gone well, it’s that I married right.

Then the kids got older and I had more time on my hands. My husband still had to work, though, so I channeled my energy into writing.

That changed everything. Blogging was like starting a new chapter in my life.

I needed material to write about, so I started putting everything under a microscope. Everything seemed a lot less familiar when I stared at it up close.

After spending time with him every day for more than a decade, I discovered that I still had more to learn about my husband.

I found out a lot about myself, too. There were so many things I had never explored, never fully articulated, or just plain never knew.

And then there’s my relationship with Mr. Austin. The big, important stuff hasn’t changed. It’s still the foundation for everything. It still gives me the security and intimacy I need. But the more we examined it and worked on it, the better it got. I thought we were at our strongest, but we weren’t even close.

After just a year or so of writing, I feel like I’ve had more relationship revelations than I have over the previous ten. These are the ones that stand out the most.

I Don’t Crush Easily

I love having a crush on someone. It gives me butterflies and all sorts of excited feelings. It makes me feel like I’m flush with hormones.

Sadly, it doesn’t happen very often. My two hands have enough fingers to count all the crushes I’ve had over the last fifteen years .

I didn’t think there was anything unusual about that. But then I started hearing about demisexuality.

I had a bit of a hard time with the label at first because I’ve had plenty of casual sex and I watch a lot of porn.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I never feel sexual attraction to someone without having an emotional connection with them first. Then, my desires follow suit.

And that explains why I don’t crush often. I usually need to get to know someone before developing that kind of attraction.

Sucks, I guess. But it’s the way I was built. I’m just glad I already landed someone permanent!

I’m Polyamorous (And Have Been for Ages)

When I first got to know Mr. Austin, he was an open relationship type of guy. He didn’t mind settling down, but he didn’t see the point of closing things off.

That made me uncomfortable. I told him that I was disappointed that the guy I liked didn’t assume we’d be exclusive.

He didn’t have a problem with that. He agreed to be monogamous and he seemed happy in that role.

Then, over our years together, I occasionally got feelings for others. Nothing big, really, but each crush I got made me realize I could flirt, feel attracted to, and could probably even date someone else without loving my partner any less.

I pushed those feelings aside. I told myself I was being crazy. I was monogamous, and those thoughts were just selfish.

This year, I opened up about them. I had one of those big conversations with my husband and there was no denying it.

I don’t need more than one partner, but I do like the idea of it. My husband is on board with it, too. So, even though I’m not actively pursuing anyone, I’m free to follow my heart.

Marriage Can Get Better (And Sexier) with Time

I used to buy into the idea that relationships just settle and get more boring as time passes.

That’s just the price you pay for the security, consistency, intimacy, and support that comes from a long-term relationship. It’s not ideal, but it’s still a trade-off worth making.

This year showed me I was wrong about that. Like, really wrong.

Things have always been good with Mr. Austin, but this year they were great.

We made each other laugh and smile more. We’ve been closer than ever. Our relationship isn’t settling — it’s on an upswing.

And the sex. My god, the sex.

I still look back fondly on our first year together. We were hot. We were wild. We were passionate.

We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

I used to think we’d never get back to fucking the way we did back then. And no, we never will, but I don’t want to go back anymore.

After ten years of marriage, the sex is better than it ever was. It’s passionate and playful. It’s intimate and highly satisfying. It’s familiar without ever getting boring.

You Should Never Stop Working on Your Relationship

Our relationship and sex life are better than they’ve ever been for one simple reason: we’ve been working on them.

We got too comfortable over the years and fell into a rut. We took each other for granted. Instead of working on our relationship, we put it on cruise control and tried not to fall asleep at the wheel.

This year, we both spent a lot of time researching and reading about sex and relationships and it got us out of our rut.

We started doing special little things for each other. We both made more of an effort. We created intimacy instead of just assuming it would happen.

We realized there would never be much heat between us if neither of us brought the heat. So, we made it a point to start flirting with each other again. We tried new things in bed. We even did dumb, fun things like buying matching underwear.

The more effort we put into our relationship, the more we got out of it. And I don’t see us falling into another rut any time soon.

I’m Pansexual

I’m married to a man so I usually pass as straight, but I’ve known for a long time that I’m bisexual.

But then I discovered that bisexuality wasn’t the best label for my sexuality.

I still use it as a shorthand, but it’s a bit too restrictive. It implies that I can be attracted to and love men and women, and that’s true. But I can also feel attraction and love for trans women, trans men, non-binary people, and anyone of any gender.

My Partner’s Sexual Energy Is a Big Deal

Mr. Austin and I fit very well sexually, but there’s one big mismatch between us. My libido goes up and down. Sometimes, it stays down. And even when it’s on an upswing, it can take a bit of work to get there.

He, on the other hand, practically wakes up hard and goes to bed hard. Unless he’s got the flu, his libido is going strong (though for all I know, he’s still horny when he’s sick).

Even though our sex drives don’t always align, our sexual energy does.

We’re both extremely dirty minded. We’re both passionate about sex. We both think almost anything can be made better by adding sex to it. We nudge each other when we see someone cute and we giggle at every “That’s what she said” joke.

I didn’t look for someone who was on the same sexual wavelength as I am. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but now I realize that it is. There’s no way we’d bond and get along this well if his mind wasn’t in the gutter right alongside mine.

The Couple That Masturbates Together Stays Together

I masturbated a lot this year, but I didn’t always do it alone. I introduced mutual masturbation into my life and it’s been a lot of fun.

I also invited Mr. Austin to take care of his self-pleasure in the bedroom. On some days, I’m just tired and I’ll sleep through him wanking. But on most days, I’ll watch or listen to him jerk off because it’s really fucking hot.

It’s also super intimate. We’ve been sharing one of the only things we did alone, and it feels like it brought us together.

I even showed my husband the real way I masturbate. It wasn’t me putting on a performance — it was just me getting off the way I do when I’m behind a locked door. That made me feel so close to him.

I used to treat masturbation as a purely solo activity, and solo self-pleasure is still a regular part of my life. But now I know that I can also use it to make my marriage even stronger.

Flirting Is a Two-Way Street

Opening my relationship gave me the opportunity to flirt with new people for the first time in years.

It also made me realize that flirting is a collaborative effort.

Flirting takes charm, but you also need some material to work with. It doesn’t matter how good you are at it, you won’t be able to build a good banter with someone who’s giving you nothing.

Thankfully, it’s not that hard to be a decent flirt. You just have to stay engaged and keep things moving. And if the person you’re flirting with does the same, you might just get somewhere.

Leaning into My Sexual Seasons Made Things Better

This year, I discovered the concept of sexual seasons and it’s like everything just clicked.

It perfectly explained the way I have a period of arousal (my spring) and a brief peak of intense horniness (my summer), followed by a bit of a crash where I just don’t feel very sexy at all (my fall), ending with a period where I crave physical contact while my libido gradually builds itself back up (my winter).

And then the cycle repeats itself all over (unless I’ve got New Relationship Energy, because NRE is basically an endless summer).

Being aware of these seasons and communicating about it with my husband has helped me just lean into it. When I’m in my fall and winter, I don’t worry too much about the fact that I’m not having much sex. We just focus on other kinds of intimacy. And it’s fine because we both know that once I hit my spring again we’ll fuck each other’s brains out.

Since we started thinking of it this way, we don’t just see it as us having less sex so much as making space for the other things we need to keep our relationship strong and secure.

I Realized I Needed to Trust My Husband

My husband is a good man. He’s caring, supportive, and tireless. He’s also very honest.

But there’s one thing I’ve always had trouble believing: his compliments.

Whenever he said something nice about me, my insecurities took over. I told myself that he probably just had to say those things because we’re married. Or he’s lying to himself because he’s stuck with me and he has to make the best of it.

This year, I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone a lot. I tried to fake confidence until I got confidence (still working on it). I got naked for him, I fucked with the lights on.

Seeing how much he appreciated my efforts made me realize that I don’t have to doubt his compliments.

When he tells me I’m sexy. When he tells me I’m beautiful. When he tells me he loves to see me naked. I can just accept those things. I can believe that’s the way he feels even if I don’t always agree.

It feels good to just accept his compliments and words of encouragement instead of brushing them off. Dismissing him wasn’t fair. And it wasn’t doing me any good either, because life’s too short to be this self-conscious.

We Never Stop Growing

If there’s one big lesson I learned this year, it’s that we never stop growing.

I feel like I’ve changed so much in just twelve short months. I’m peeling apart my layers and getting to know myself more. The way I relate to myself and others is changing. So far, at least, it’s all been for the better.

I’m excited for the new year. It doesn’t feel like just another turn around the sun. It feels like an opportunity to better myself, to cherish the relationships and friendships I have, and to keep moving forward.

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