How I Knew I Was Polyamorous

It’s because I’m hot for hipsters

My husband can’t remember a time when he wasn’t polyamorous.

He’s never felt much jealousy (except for people with better record collections) and he finds joy in people having great sexual and romantic fun — even if he’s in a relationship with them.

When his first girlfriend told him she had been cheating on him, he felt upset that she had lied, but he didn’t break it off. The other guy was more her type, so why shouldn’t she pursue him?

It took a lot longer for me to come around to the idea.

Finding out that this guy I was falling in love with was polyamorous bothered me at first. It made me feel incredibly insecure. Did it mean I wasn’t good enough for him? If he fools around with other women, is he going to leave me for one of them?

I tried to go along with it and play it cool. But I wasn’t cool. I felt terrible about it. So, I told him I could only be with him if our relationship was monogamous.

Luckily for me, he loved me a lot more than he loved his freedom. He committed wholeheartedly to me, and it’s been wedding bells, cuddles, and slow sex ever since.

We never really talked about it again. We had a few threesomes but those were things (or, rather, people) we did as a couple. Besides, I was always the one being shared. But I had no thoughts about opening up our relationship.

Until I met a hipster named Bryan.

Call Center Crush

A couple of years into my relationship with Mr. Austin, I started working the night shift at a call center, taking customer service calls.

One of my coworkers was a young guy named Bryan. He was super cute and even though hipsters weren’t really a thing back then, that’s the kind of vibe he gave off. Really, he had the air and style of a punk who had grown up. Vans sneakers, plaid shirt, hair that was a bit messy and grown out.

He used to skateboard and it was hard not to pay attention to the fact that he still had a skater’s lean physique.

He also seemed very interested in me (always a major plus!). He’d always save the seat at the computer next to his and he always managed to find us a spot away from everyone else so we could hang out, play cards, talk about movies and music — whatever we could do to pass the time until another call came in.

We had a real Jim and Pam thing going. We even shared his earbuds to listen to music.

Night shifts were slow, but I didn’t mind. It meant Bryan and I could get to know each other really well.

He used to sit so close our legs would sometimes touch. I’d get flustered, but neither of us made a move. He knew I had a boyfriend. And I had asked that boyfriend to be monogamous for me, so I felt it only fair to stay monogamous as well.

But developing a crush on Bryan woke something in me. For the first time, I really saw the appeal of polyamory. I felt the pull of someone else and it didn’t feel like it was pulling me away from my partner — it felt like it was just pulling me into a lot of extra fun.

For the first time, I could really see myself having feelings for more than one person. I could see myself dating Bryan while also remaining firmly rooted in my relationship with Mr. Austin.

But I kept it all to myself. I didn’t feel right admitting it to my boyfriend because I thought that would give him tacit permission to develop crushes and start dating, too. And I wasn’t comfortable with that at all.

So, I stuffed all those feelings deep inside myself and tried to forget about them. And although I did finally tell Mr. Austin about it, I only did it last night, more than ten years after it happened.

Campus Hottie

I didn’t stay long at the call center, and after I stopped working next to Bryan, I went back to living my little monogamous life.

Until Mr. Austin and I moved to attend university.

My first plan was to major in Psychology, and part of that meant taking a class on Statistical Analysis. Seeing it listed in the course requirements made me queasy. I’m hopeless with math.

But I soon found myself looking forward to Stats class. Not because of the lectures, but because of Adam.

Bryan may have been cute, but Adam was hot.

Like Bryan, Adam was a hipster before there were hipsters. He was strong and lean from riding his skateboard to and from class. He had gauges in his ears to stretch out his piercings. And he had a very sexy sleeve of tattoos.

He sat next to me. At first, I thought it was a coincidence, but then I found out he’d sit elsewhere when I wasn’t around.

We would talk before class and he always asked me to partner up with him to do group work.

But I would have partnered with him on a lot more than group work. (Though, come to think, that kind of group work would have been great, too!)

I had the hots for him, majorly. Looking back, I’m pretty sure he was regularly hitting on me, but my self-esteem was too low to think I could even possibly be in his league.

And if Bryan stayed away from me because I had a boyfriend, I’m pretty sure Adam didn’t want to mess with the fact that I had a fiance. He noticed the engagement ring on the first day I wore it.

Once that ring was on my finger, the flirting died down. He kept it to small talk.

And for the second time in my life, I felt the urge to open up my relationship.

Hot Becca

My third major crush came when I was married and trying to get pregnant.

The psych program didn’t work out for me (yes, partly because of the math), so I transferred to a different institution to finish my studies.

My first day there, I knew I’d have a hard time focusing on the material.

I laid eyes on another student. She was decked in skinny black jeans and a white and black striped top. Her purse was plaid and her sneakers were checkered red and white. And she was absolutely gorgeous.

I couldn’t wait to tell my husband about her. The first thing I said when I walked in the door was, “I just met the hottest girl ever!”

At first, I didn’t know her name, so I just referred to her as Hot Girl. Once she introduced herself to me, she became Hot Becca.

I wasn’t sure if this crush was doomed to be one sided because of where we lived. I couldn’t figure out if she was a lesbian or just Canadian.

Sadly for me, she turned out to just be Canadian.

We became good friends for the duration of the program, and I never confessed my feelings to her. I saved that for my husband.

It’s silly to think about it now, but it felt safer disclosing a crush on a woman to my husband. Even though he never indicated that he was only okay with me seeing other women and not men, it was the first time I didn’t worry about keeping my feelings hidden inside.

This was a bigger step for me. I had stirrings that maybe I could live a polyamorous lifestyle when I was being hit on by Bryan and Adam. But actually telling my husband about my crush made it feel more real. It felt a lot less theoretical and abstract.

I knew I was polyamorous because of my feelings for Bryan and my attraction to Adam. But I knew for sure because of how open I could be about my crush on Hot Becca.

I’m Hot for Hipsters

It’s hard not to spot the trend here. I’ve got a thing for hipsters.

I love the hipster aesthetic. I wear wide-rimmed glasses myself. I love plaid. I have purple hair and often sport bold lip colors.

I’m also a mom who’s lost herself a little bit. I’ve always had trouble with self-confidence and I was never comfortable going full-on hipster.

But I have always had the hots for people who do.

If I’m really going to zero in on it, I’d describe my type as “old hipsters.” Not music snobs or pretentious microbrew connoisseurs. More like the types of people who were into the metal or punk scene and grew out of it but kept some of the flair.

The hipster look isn’t a requirement for me to find someone attractive. As a demisexual, my arousal only gets going once I connect with someone who has good personality traits. But I have to admit, hipsters are the ones who make me turn my head to get a second look.

They’re the ones who can reduce me to a flustered mess by hitting on me.

Unfortunately, they usually seem out of my league. But a girl can dream!

Being polyamorous is a constant for me now. It’s just a part of my personality and a feature of my relationship with Mr. Austin.

But I’m not always actively pursuing someone. Sometimes, I’m okay just trying to make friends or focusing on my relationship with my husband.

When it comes to a second relationship, I’m not exactly sure where I stand at the moment. But if my own history with polyamory is anything to go by, I know there’s one thing that could make me sure. And it’s decked out in plaid and wide-rimmed glasses.

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