Never Stop Flirting
Why (and how) I still flirt in my marriage
I didn’t think I was supposed to flirt with my husband.
I thought it was just the kind of thing that stops once the relationship gets settled, like having sex multiple times a day or trying too hard to impress each other.
The flirting slowed down over the first few years of our relationship and then came to a dead halt.
It stayed that way for a long time, and we only really started doing it again this year.
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what revived our flirting. It was probably a combination of a lot of things.
Our kids are growing up so we have more quality time together. We’re making a more deliberate effort to improve our relationship. And I was put on medication that made me really horny — that helped a lot.
But the biggest factor is probably being surrounded by seniors.
Last year, we moved to a small university town that is populated heavily by college students and retirees.
We’re early birds who usually don’t leave the house after 11am, so we don’t see too many students. But we see plenty of retirees.
My favorite sight is the really old couples. I can’t get enough of the way they seem to be madly in love with each other after being married for decades.
And the thing that really melts my heart is that they’re always flirting with each other.
Those couples are total #relationshipgoals. But I didn’t want to wait until I was an octogenarian to start flirting with Mr. Austin again — I wanted to have that now.
So, I started flirting with him a bit more, and reciprocating when he flirted with me. Reviving flirting made us both feel better and makes our relationship feel stronger.
It’s been so nice that I regret not doing it for ten or so years. But at least I didn’t wait until I was in my 80s.
Why You Should Flirt with Your Partner
First, I want to get the obvious of the way. Flirting is fun. It feels playful and grownup at the same time, which is a great combination.
But since I started flirting with my husband regularly, I’ve discovered some other benefits, too.
We Feel Better About Ourselves
Mr. Austin and I have mismatched libidos — mine fluctuates and his is always at an 11.
We make it work just fine now, but for years I was always worried about giving him the impression that I wanted to have sex. To avoid leading him on, I stopped flirting with him. When he flirted with me, I didn’t reciprocate (I also didn’t take compliments well, which didn’t help).
So, eventually, he just stopped. And I stopped. And neither of us felt all that great about ourselves as a result.
We didn’t feel attractive. We didn’t feel desired. And who could blame us?
When we keep up the flirting, though, we’re constantly reminding each other that we’ve still got it. Mr. Austin knows that I still find him attractive, and I know that he’s not just horny — he’s horny for me. And that gives us both a nice boost of self-esteem.
It Makes You Think About Your Partner Differently
When you flirt with your partner, you start looking at them differently.
You’re a lot more likely to think about what you find attractive in them.
You start to pay attention to the little details. The way his forearms flex when he’s cooking. The way her hips gently sway when she walks.
You take them for granted a little less.
You’re Less Tempted to Let Yourself Go
I have a hard time fitting exercise into my life.
Fatigue hits me pretty hard in the afternoon, so that gives a small window in the mornings to accomplish everything I want.
Between researching, writing, editing, and doing all sorts of mom stuff, it feels like a full schedule already. It’s easy to make excuses not to go for a walk or do some exercise at home.
It’s the same for Mr. Austin. He doesn’t have chronic health issues, but he has busy days with barely any time to do anything but work and do dad stuff. It’s hard for him to fit any kind of workout in his daily routine.
That makes it super tempting to just skip a day. And then skip the next. And then one more. And then before we know it, we’re just telling ourselves we’ll start getting exercise when all the kids move out.
It’s been a whole heck of a lot easier to get motivated since we started flirting.
We’re exercising more, eating better, and dressing decently even if we’re not leaving the house.
It’s a lot easier to find the motivation to look better and be more charming when we feel like it’s noticed.
Foreplay Starts Before Any Hanky Panky
Elle Beau is right about foreplay. It doesn’t have to start right before sex — it can start right after it instead.
Flirting is part of foreplay. It doesn’t always have to lead to sex, but it lays the groundwork for it.
We’re having more sex because we’re taking these little baby steps toward it throughout the day. And the sex is better because we’re slowly building anticipation over the course of the day, or even over multiple days.
How to Flirt in a Relationship
It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but when I decided to start flirting with Mr. Austin again, I had to think hard about what to do. I was rusty as hell, and it took me a while to get back in the groove.
But I did. I realized that the best way to make Mr. Austin feel sexy is to just keep it simple and not overthink it.
Here are a few things that work for us.
Texting, Messaging, and Emailing
Sending a flirty message often works best for us. We don’t have a lot of time together, and when we do, we’re usually dealing with four kids who are competing for our attention.
When we flirt in all that chaos, we run the risk of having it drowned out by all the noise, or interrupted by someone whining for a snack or barging into the room to tell us about Minecraft.
Sending an email bypasses all that. We can send it whenever we feel like it and it won’t get overlooked or missed.
Small Moments of Physical Affection
Often, the best way to show that we’re thinking about each other — and thinking those kinds of thoughts about each other — is with a bit of physical touch.
It doesn’t take much. A hand grazing the lower back when we’re passing each other in the kitchen. A gentle hip squeeze before we part ways for a bit. A touch on the arm while we’re on one of our walks. It’s enough to convey our attraction to each other.
Write a Love Note
Sometimes, when I’m done taking a bath, I find a love note next to my laptop.
The notes can be sweet, they can be naughty, or they can be a little bit of both. But they make me smile every single time because they remind me that Mr. Austin has been thinking about me even when I wasn’t around.
Do It Spontaneously
When you do anything regularly, it’s easy to get in a rut. But it’s best not to get too routine with your flirting.
When you do it spontaneously, it feels more honest and genuine.
If you notice yourself slipping into a pattern, break it up. Take a moment to look at your partner and give them a compliment when they’re not expecting one.
Be Specific
The best flirty comments and winky texts are the ones that are more specific and pick out something about your partner.
Mention a specific part of their body or something about their appearance. Be precise about the things they do that drive you wild.
Saying something like “You’re really sexy” is fine, but “I can’t get enough of your thighs” is going to show that you’re really paying attention to them.
A Quick Flash Never Hurts
Nothing really says “you get me hot” than showing some skin.
Casually lifting your shirt, giving a peek at your underwear, or showing half your ass is a good way to be playful and naughty when it’s not time to have sex.
I Want to Flirt for Life
For a long time, I didn’t take flirting seriously enough. I treated it like it was an optional part of a relationship. And I guess it is in some ways — we were fine without it. But I’m glad it’s a part of our lives again.
Doing it makes us happier, it keeps things hot, and it helps us both feel appreciated.
I still hope we’ll be one of those old couples who flirt shamelessly with each other all the time. But I want it to be because we never stopped.
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