My Doctor Warned Me DHEA Would Make Me Horny

Is this what it’s like to be a teenage boy?

Seeing a new doctor and getting on new medication is becoming routine for me. I have so many symptoms caused by a chronic illness, though no doctor is entirely sure which illness it is (and the confident ones disagree with each other).

But this time, I got a warning I wasn’t expecting.

My new doctor prescribed a treatment of DHEA, a hormone that my adrenal glands should produce naturally but which is lacking in my system.

She told me that if all goes according to plan, the DHEA should convert to testosterone and relieve my fatigue, brain fog, joint pain, and the hundred or so other little things that make my daily life a challenge.

She ran through the side effects, warning me especially about headaches.

“Oh, and I should also tell you,” she said, “the most commonly reported side effect is high libido.”

“Most people don’t mind that one at all,” she added with a grin.

My Sex Drive Is on Neutral Gear

My symptoms started showing up early in adulthood. When my energy levels crashed, my libido crashed right along with it.

After some very, very horny teenage years, my sex drive was on neutral gear. Hell, I don’t even think I had my foot on the pedal.

I didn’t lose interest in sex, not even close. I just didn’t have any desire to engage in it.

I had what philosophers call a second-order desire — I wanted to want sex, I just didn’t want sex.

There were little flashes here and there. Ovulating sometimes got me going. But for the most part, I didn’t get excited or aroused.

So, when the doctor warned me taking DHEA would make me horny, I took it with a grain of salt.

After all, I’ve tried practically everything to rev up my sex drive and I was let down every single time.

She was right about the headaches. I started getting those almost immediately.

The libido took longer, but it came. And it came hard.

There’s an old joke about wives faking headaches to get out of having sex. But these headaches aren’t going to stop me. The dull, pulsing ache in my temples is nothing compared to the pulsing I feel, uh, elsewhere.

I’m on Fire

I’ve been taking DHEA for two weeks now and I feel like I am on fucking fire.

I get aroused by practically anything. When the clothes I wear brushes against my skin, I get a little thrill. Looking at an eggplant would probably make me wet. And it’s still too cold outside to try, but I’m willing to bet a warm breeze would give me an orgasm.

There’s no way to fit enough flame emojis in a single tweet to represent how horny I feel.

The DHEA is supposed to help my brain fog, but I can’t tell if it has because I’m constantly distracted. I can’t focus on anything for long before my thoughts to turn to sex. I keep thinking about dicks and tits; womanly curves and manly hands and forearms.

I’m spending so much time on the dirtier subreddits I’m starting to worry my phone will overheat and die.

But the worst is how vulnerable I’ve become. I’m putty in Mr. Austin’s hands. And I chose those words deliberately: all he has to do is squeeze my body and my breathing gets heavy, my knees get weak, and I practically want to beg him to put it in me.

If he happens to squeeze my hips, I have to put whatever I’m doing on hold. It’s just too intense to ignore.

I’ve been called easy before. But this is, like, cheat code easy.

I worry I’m going to wear Mr. Austin out and I’ve been masturbating so much I hurt my shoulder (don’t ask).

How Do Teenage Boys Get Anything Done?

I used to spend most of my days fluctuating between a 1 and 2 (mostly 1) on the horniness scale.

Now, I’m constantly going between a 4 and 5 (mostly 5).

Mr. Austin has a very active sex drive, so I asked him if this is what it’s like being him. He told me it’s a little bit more like what he was as a teenager.

How the hell do teenage boys get anything done?

According to Mr. Austin, you just learn to live with it. You find ways to do your homework and chores while ignoring your raging erection. You find ways to mentally multi-task so you can hold down a regular conversation with your friends while somewhere in the back of your mind you’re wondering what the odds are that one of the hot housewives on your paper route will pull you into their living room to give you an extra generous tip.

“Besides,” he added, “our intense horniness is matched for our powerful desire to be cool. That helps.”

Well, I honestly don’t care about being cool, so I don’t know what I’m going to do. But if my libido stays this high I’ll have to come up with strategies to continue living a normal life.

Hopefully, Mr. Austin can coach me on handling horniness. I don’t really mind being DTF all day and every day. I just don’t want to do something that gets me banned from the PTA.

Getting Reacquainted with Myself

I’ve been living with chronic illness for so long that it’s just become who I am.

But I always have a sense that there’s the Real Me somewhere underneath all these issues.

The Real Me is the woman I’d be if my hormones were balanced. It’s who I would be.

She’s a bit thinner, because she doesn’t have hormonal imbalances that keep her from managing her weight.

She’s more fun to be around, because there’s no brain fog preventing her from having a normal conversation.

She’s a better mom, because she doesn’t have fatigue issues that keep her stuck in bed or laying on the sofa instead of taking her kids for a walk, playing with them, or preparing their meals.

And she’s hornier, because she doesn’t have abnormally low hormone levels giving her the libido of a potato.

Most of my symptoms haven’t improved yet. Fatigue is still an issue. I can’t really focus. I have the joint pain and grip strength of a woman at least twice my age.

But being horny again reminds me of what it’s like to be the Real Me. I don’t know if it will last. But it feels good to be myself again.

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