I Am a Semi-Demisexual

Demisexuality doesn’t quite fit — but neither does anything else

My guy friends used to call me a slut.

Not always maliciously, I suppose. But they’d sometimes make jokes about it, or mention it casually.

To them, I fit the bill.

I wasn’t shy about my love of sex. My mind and my mouth were dirty and it only got worse after a few cheap beers.

None of them could keep up with me, so all they could do was put me down.

But I wasn’t all talk. I hooked up with guys on the same day I met them. I did all the stuff my girlfriends weren’t ready to try (or not ready to admit they tried). I didn’t have a third date rule because I didn’t usually have a third date.

In other words, I was having the kind of sex these guys wished they had. And they looked down on me for it.

A friend of mine even got in a fight with her boyfriend because he told her I was a slut for going back and forth between two guys (not at the same time — I wasn’t having that much fun yet).

I was a metalhead, a TV junkie, and a stoner.

But mostly I was a girl with a reputation.

And I bet it would come as a huge surprise if the guys in my old circle of friends knew that I identify as a demisexual.

Connection Before Friction

I first learned about demisexuality by reading Shannon Ashley.

I clicked on her article because I was curious about the term. Add the “-sexual” suffix to anything and I’m instantly curious to know what it means and what it’s all about.

I certainly didn’t expect to relate to what I read. I mean, demisexual? I’m pretty sure I’m fully sexual.

But I felt some puzzle pieces falling into place as I read about it and thought it through.

In a nutshell, demisexuality means needing to feel an emotional connection with someone before being able to feel a sexual attraction to them.

That’s the case for me. I feel sexual arousal for people after I form an emotional bond with them. But I also lose that entirely when I don’t feel that connection.

I’m not one of those people who can have casual sex with someone they don’t relate to emotionally. I can’t imagine a bigger turn off than an emotional disconnect.

And it’s not that I need an emotional connection with someone if I’m actually going to have sex with them. That’s a given for a lot of people, demisexual or not. It’s that I can’t sustain sexual attraction to someone without it, no matter how hot they are.

And all that stuff I did as a teenager? The stuff that earned me that reputation? Well, some of it was just the usual hormonal stuff. I was horny and desperate for love and that meant I was often down to fuck.

But mostly I was just a dumbass (another symptom of being a teenager). I put out because I started feeling an emotional connection with someone, and I thought penetrating me might make them feel that same connection.

Sometimes, I just wanted there to be an emotional connection. And sex was a way to feel like there might be one.

Even when there wasn’t an emotional connection, the connection was still the point.

The day I met my future husband in person after some email exchanges, I took his cock out of his pants and gave it a few strokes. Soon after that, we would officially be an item.

So, my strategy of using sex to create or strengthen an emotional bond worked exactly once.

After that, I got wise. Although there are exceptions (Mr. Austin included), grabbing a guy’s dick isn’t a way to his heart. It’s just a way to more dick (and on his terms, not mine).

Other people still arouse me. I form attractions to people other than my husband. But it always starts off the same way: with a window into their personality, with feeling like I know who they are, and seeing some kind of connection.

Hello, My Name Is Emma and I’m a Little Bit of Everything

Labels never seem to fit me perfectly.

I identify as bisexual (though I’m really pansexual), as submissive (though really I’m more of a pillow princess), as polyamorous (though in practice I’m pretty damn monogamous), as a pervert (though I often struggled with a low libido).

Demisexuality is no exception. I think it describes me romantically and sexually. And yet, I can’t help but feel myself pushing against some of its edges.

My first clue is porn.

I love porn. I get aroused by porn. I get off to porn. But it’s not like I have an emotional connection with anyone on the screen or even the characters they play.

I do have a special love for amateur porn over studio-produced content and a lot of that is because it feels more intimate. But it’s not enough for me to feel like I know the performers or connect to them on a deeper level.

I’m still just diddling my skittle to some cute strangers doing naughty stuff.

I know I’m not the only person who identifies as demisexual and watches porn. But for me, it’s more than just imagining myself in the scenario I’m watching unfold. I’m often genuinely attracted to the people on screen.

And it’s not just an aesthetic attraction. I’m just drawn by their beauty in some kind of sexually neutral way. I feel desire for them. I wish I could go down on them or have them go down on me.

I can also see things developing quickly. Crushes, flings, and friends with benefits with people I’m not completely connected to — it has happened and could happen again.

I’m still prone to feeling a spark because of someone’s looks or something about the way they comport themselves. I can form sexual attraction quickly. But I can also lose it even more quickly. If there’s no bonding or emotional connection, it pisses all over those sexual feelings.

But could a few hours of getting to know someone be enough emotional bonding to lead to some at least somewhat emotional boning? It has before, and in the right circumstances I’m sure it could again.

And that’s why I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I really am demisexual.

I’m a Semi-Demi, Because Fuck All the Rules

I can’t distance myself from demisexuality. I simply haven’t found another term that fits better.

For me, sexual connection is strongly intertwined with emotional connection, in a way that’s different from a lot of the people I know. Nothing else manages to quite capture that.

I guess that makes me a semi-demisexual.

Emotional connection always has to be present, but it can be a burgeoning thing. I don’t always need a deep bond to be sexually aroused by someone. Sometimes, it can be enough to feel a connection just starting to form.

In some cases, it doesn’t even take a connection to get started — I just need one to keep things going.

Those times I used sex to try to secure some love? It’s not like I hated all of it. Mostly, the sex was pretty bad. I sometimes did it more for someone else than for myself. But I still had fun and looked forward to more fucking.

As for the porn, even the fantasies I get from it have a little blush of connection to them. Yeah, I picture sucking the cock I see on screen, but I also imagine I’ve been dating the hot hipster it’s attached to and that he’s telling me how much he loves me.

So, I’ve loosened the definition to fit me. I like having a label so I can identify myself quickly and find others who feel the same way I do. Sometimes, that means inventing a new one. You won’t find semi-demisexual in the dictionary (yet!) but it speaks to me, and I’m sure it speaks to others, too.

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