Men, When You Advertise “No Drama,” What You Really Mean Is You Want Someone Emotionally Mature
Being a mature adult doesn’t mean no drama, but it *does* mean learning emotional regulation, compassion, and accountability.
As a woman, when I see or hear a guy emphasize from the beginning that he’s seeking “no drama” or good vibes only,” I take that as a red flag. I can’t speak for every woman, and I don’t proclaim to do so, but I also know that I’m not alone in this sentiment.
An emotionally mature man understands that women tend to be more emotional than men. Hopefully, he is also in touch with his emotions enough to be able to express and process them accordingly as well. Such a self-aware and conscious man recognizes, then, that real life is not all sunshine and rainbows. No person — man or woman — can or should be happy all the time. It’s not only unrealistic, it’s an unhealthy perspective.
Yes, part of the problem is that we don’t have great cultural containers for expressing our emotions (though I sense a shift is happening). We generally culturally are not taught very well how to self-regulate or express our needs. And if you grew up with toxic family dynamics, you often subconsciously hold on to traumas and behavioral patterns, repeating them until and unless you release them.
While men are particularly taught to repress emotions, women’s emotional nature often becomes an excuse to infantilize her or figure her as less than. Women are also particularly taught to be people-pleasers, which is not to say that men aren’t as well. The dangers of people-pleasing include that it means you’re not being authentic to yourself or honoring yourself fully.
As someone who personally clung to my people-pleasing mechanisms, I long-struggled with making a big deal out of something if I thought it was “not worth it.” This, of course, can easily backfire if/when there becomes a build-up of resentment. This is the “drama” that men seek to avoid. Do you see how accountability comes in here, on both the man’s and the woman’s part?
I’ve learned to better express myself, assert my needs, and voice my concerns before something builds up that I’ve tried not to “make a big deal” out of. Partners should also be cognizant of their partner’s body language and other cues, and should work on showing mindfulness toward their partner’s well-being.
If a partner makes a big mistake (does something offensive, not mindful, etc), I do hope he works to help make things right in addition to holding space for me.
Real relationships and energetic entanglements involve real humans with real human emotions. So, as a man, if a woman presents drama or gets emotional, it is important to ask yourself why and to take on any accountability if and as warranted.
Ask yourself *why* the woman got emotional or presented drama. As a man, you should help a woman to feel safe. So anything reasonable you can do to de-escalate the situation is warranted. Communication is key.
If you want a real, relationship, it comes with drama. Rather than presenting and expecting an artificial ideal of an agreeable, stress-free life, work on learning to process and self-regulate your own emotions. The more energetically attuned to yourself you are, the more you will call in a partner who has also done her work to self-regulate and communicate her needs. Then you two can tackle the drama and the inevitable roadblocks and speed bumps your relationship will endure.
Also, for what it’s worth: I recently returned from a spring break vacation (our first trip together) with a romantic partner and we did not have any drama during the trip. It is possible!
Maturing and leveling up means being able to articulately express your needs, learning compassion (this includes self-compassion), and knowing that as people, we do co-regulate. Accordingly, you practice accountability for how you may contribute to creating a life full of ease or one full of drama, lack, and unprocessed trauma(s). Learning accountability and developing a healthy relationship with yourself — which includes not being disconnected from your emotions — is crucial for being able to develop healthy relationships with others.
So, gentlemen, I urge you to consider how counter-productive it is to say you’re seeking “no drama” or “good vibes only” and instead say what you truly mean — you want an emotionally mature woman who’s able to emotionally regulate and calmly handle whatever drama and difficulties may come your way. A confident, conscious and emotionally mature man will be there to help support his partners.
Let’s focus on what we can add to each other’s lives and how we can raise each other’s vibrations without relying on trite phrases.
Like my writing? Support me, along with other writers, by purchasing a Medium subscription for only $5/month and get unlimited access.
Appreciate my message? Buy me a coffee! — https://www.buymeacoffee.com/healinglivmama
HealingLivMama can be reached at [email protected] for consultations and further information.
