Managing our relationship expectations the right way
Expectations are everything when it comes to better relationships. Manage yours and build a happy reality.
by: E.B. Johnson
Nothing will put a stop to a relationship faster than unrealistic expectations. Our expectations can be important and they can point us in the direction of our standards and boundaries. When we allow them to get out of control, however, or rise to a level that is both unfair and unrealistic — we alienate our partners and fester within ourselves and toxic and corrosive resentment that makes it impossible to let down our walls and connect authentically.
If we want to build happier, healthier relationships that are able to withstand the test of time, we have to learn how to manage our expectations and set realistic boundaries and standards for ourselves. Finding a partner isn’t about finding someone to carry the weight of the world for you. It’s about finding someone whose journey complements your own. Let go of your out-of-this-world expectations and find better ways to manage what you want from your life and your relationships.
Our relationships are filled with expectations.
Like it or not, our relationships are filled with expectations — and that’s okay. Some expectations allow us to set important limits or boundaries that further solidify our partnerships; and some of these expectations go hand-in-hand with our values. These expectations become toxic when they get set too high, or they place a burden that should rightfully be ours onto someone else. To expect something from your partner that you wouldn’t do yourself is unfair, but you can check your perspective and rebuild with the right techniques.
Expectations are the preconceived notions we have about our partners or what they believe they should provide to us within a committed relationship. While some of these expectations can be healthy, some of them can be demanding, unfair and shallow. Learning to tell the difference between a healthy and unhealthy expectation takes a lot of introspection to resolve.
We have to consider our expectations against those of our partner’s and be honest about both what we want and need from a relationship. When we align these things, we can build long and stable lives that bring both joy and fulfillment in our existences. Set the bar too high, or fail to question what we truly need, and we can be looking at certain disaster. Stop relying on outdated or shallow expectations and start being honest with your partner. Manage the things you both want and expect and watch your partnership bloom in unexpected and transformative ways.
Why we rely so heavily on our romantic expectations.
Like it or not, we rely heavily on our relationship expectations to guide us toward our romantic limits and boundaries. Our expectations can be great, when they’re honestly analyzed, but that requires first understanding where they come from and why they’re there in the first place.
Early examples
The examples that are set for us early in life are important, and that includes the expectations we learn to set for our partners and our partnerships. If you were raised in a home where one parent was expected to do all the emotional labor, you might come to echo that own toxic expectation in your own relationships later on. These baselines are a crucial part of who we are, and it is crucial that we inspect them regularly in order to ensure they are aligned with what we truly want from life and love.
Little introspection
Some of us cling to corrosive expectations simply because we haven’t taken the time to truly assess what matters to us. When we don’t know who we are at our core, it becomes easy to get lazy or to rely on the expectations of society and those around us in order to form our “standards”. This means following the crowd, conforming to their ideals on relationships, and finding ourselves trapped in places that are neither good for our hearts or our wellbeing.
Fear of being alone
Think back through your relationships. Was there ever a time you agreed to be with someone just because you thought it was better than being alone? Sometimes, we come to see our expectations as a “checklist” — one that will bring us guaranteed happiness as long as we manage to tick off all the boxes. The tragic flaw here, however, is that nothing could be further from the truth. If we’re unhappy, we’re unhappy wherever we are. A relationship cannot bring us anything that we cannot first find within ourselves.
Common relationship expectations that can leave you unhappy.
Find yourself stuck, hung-up or otherwise unhappy in every relationship you’re in? Take a step back and question the things you’re looking for. These are some common relationship expectations that can contribute to this overall relationship malaise.
“If it was true love it wouldn’t take work.”
When people fall in love, they often finding themselves falling into the toxic “love and work” expectation. This occurs when you believe that your relationship requires no more effort in order to stay happy, healthy and stable. Again, nothing could be further from the truth. If you saddle your partnership with the burden of being “effortless” you’ll find it buckling beneath the weight of a pressure you and your partner should have resolved through conscious effort every single day.
“If they loved me they would accept me no matter what.”
True love is unconditional, right? Wrong. Just because you truly love someone does not mean you accept every toxic behavior or decision that they make. Mature love, between self-respecting adults, comes with inherent boundaries that — when crossed — result in a severance and a certain ending. When you feed into the idea that you (or your partner) should be accepting of everything, you make it easy for toxic and dangerous dynamics to breed.
“We must have lots of sex all the time.”
Sex is a tricky subject, and one which varies from relationship-to-relationship, person-to-person. For some, every-day-sex is a must. And that’s okay. To others, however, intimacy is a slower process and one that has to happen within certain parameters. Believing you must have a certain amount of sex, or a lot of sex to a certain standard (as though through entitlement) can be toxic when not aligned with our genuine needs and the genuine needs of our partners. You don’t have to have lots of sex because society tells you too. Likewise, a relationship full of experiential and experimental sexuality is okay too.
“They should know what to do or how to react.”
This falls in line with the toxic idea that true love doesn’t require work, but it diverges in the blame it places within the partnership. Some of us come (wrongly) to believe that our partners should magically know how we’re feeling or what adjustments we need them to make. Not only is this self-centered, but it’s corrosive and unfair. If you need something from your partner or you have a certain emotional reaction to something they’ve done or said — you need to candidly address it and not expect them to chase you with a knowledge of wrongdoing.
“You should be on my side no matter what.”
If you’re under a certain age, you’ve probably heard the saying “ride or die” when it comes to relationship. It’s this idea that we should fight our partner’s corner no matter what, but this is also a fallacy that’s incredibly toxic. If your partner does wrong, it’s your duty to say something to them about it. Fighting the face of a wrong idea or action is still wrong, even if you’re doing it for a noble reason. The longer you cling to this idea the more likely you are to find yourself resenting someone who uses you as battle armor against all their bad decisions.
“If we’re truly in love all of our problems will be solved.”
Thanks to the images, stories and films of our childhoods, many of us have come to develop this very subtle (yet very insidious) idea of “happily ever after” when it comes to relationships. This is the expectation that all our problems will be solved once we find “true love” in another person. The problem with this idea, however, is that it is categorically untrue. Your problems follow you wherever you are, and life fails to get easier just because you find someone to love you through it.
How to manage your expectations in order to build happier relationships.
If you want to build happier relationships, you have to get realistic about the things that you ask your partner for. Stop looking for the negative and learn how to appreciate the positive. The more honest we are within our relationships, the easier it becomes to align our needs and build a mutual vision of the future. Overcome your disappointment and disillusionment by managing what you expect of your relationships and your companions.
1. Know what’s realistic and what isn’t
The first step in overcoming the negative side of your expectations is to spend some getting familiar with what’s realistic and what isn’t. There are a number of unrealistic expectations that we put on our partners and our relationships, and these expectations seriously undermine our long-term happiness and encourage resentment and contempt. If you want to manage your expectations, you need to do be honest about whether you’re asking too much.
Step back from your partnership and get some quiet time alone where you can detach and look at things from a third-party perspective. Question the things you want from your partner, and question why you want them. Are you asking them for qualities or actions you should be providing for yourself?
Don’t expect your partner to provide you with self-esteem. Don’t expect them to correct all the wrong in your past, or magically know what you want and when you want it. Be your own independent person apart from your relationship and look to your partner for companionship and support — rather than a crutch for your emotional baggage. Allow them to be themselves and find the courage to discover your own authenticity beside them. Strive for a fair and equal relationship and use your complimenting strengths to drop the need for expectations at all.
2. Tapping into greater appreciation
Appreciation can be a great revealer of the negativity in our lives, and it can go a long way in helping us to manage our relationship expectations. This is not to say that you fail to see the shortcomings where they lie, it’s simply committing to desire an appreciation for your partner over a need to look for flaws. Tap into appreciation for your spouse or loved one, and use that appreciation to maintain realistic expectations.
Make a conscious effort to value the positive things your partner brings into your life. Whenever you’re confronted with something that frustrates you, look for something that you’re actually grateful for. In this way, you begin to see the value of your partner in a completely different light.
Shift your expectations and move them away from the realm of “demands” and into the realm of appreciation and gratitude. Use this positive light to overcome the aggravations and allow it to be the fuel that encourages you to reach out to one another and stay connected. The more you come to appreciate one another, the easier it is to let go of any out-of-this-world expectations that are toxic or unrealistic in nature.
3. Build memories together
When it comes to long-term partnerships, we can often get so caught up in life that things get stuck in a rut. Between our careers, our families, and the other varying responsibilities of day-to-day life — we can find our relationships getting stagnant and becoming massive disappointments. If we want to stay happy, connected and able to traverse the adversities life is going to throw our way, we have to continue to build memories together…and happy memories at that.
Don’t let things become stagnant and don’t give either party too much free time to question things that aren’t an issue. The more happy memories that you build together, the less you will look for the negative — or a chance to compare your partner against mounting expectations.
Go out of your way to make time for one another. Talk, don’t lose sight of the person that you fell in love with. Though we all change throughout our relationships, we can still keep our expectations fulfilled and managed by proactively reaching out to partners in order to grow together. Build happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment by spending time together, traveling, and connecting deeply on a regular basis.
4. Leave off the comparisons
Comparisons are toxic, and they can cause us to question both ourselves and our relationships. When we constantly look outwardly for what we should be seeking from within, we get confused and lost in the ideals of other people. Step back and look at your expectations removed from your partner. Where did they come from? Are you basing them off of someone else’s relationship? You must remove all comparisons and ensure you’re acting from a place of authenticity.
Stop comparing your partner to everyone else. Don’t compare your relationship to your friend’s or your parents’. Drop the comparisons cold and start seeing your relationship for what it is. Allow it to be natural and be present exactly where you’re at right now (instead of trying to force it into a different direction).
Embrace going with the flow and see your partner for who they truly are. Measure this person against your own ideals only and stop looking outward for comparisons that only compound your harsh or unrealistic expectations. There’s a real power in learning how to be present in your relationship, but there’s also power in seeing it for what it is. Leave the comparisons in the dirt and celebrate or address your relationship for what it is right here and now.
5. Have more honest conversations
Honest and candid conversation is a cornerstone of any successful partnership. We have to be open with one another and we have to share things like our feelings, desires and needs in order to keep our bonds strong and our purpose united and focused. If you want to drop the expectations, start opening up to your significant other.
Sit down with your partner — in a mutually comfortable and private space — and start opening up about what you need and what you expect from your relationship. Work through the different levels of what you want and give each other the space and safety to speak frankly.
Letting one another know what’s expected makes it easier to work together in consideration for one another’s needs. It’s not fair to expect someone to magically know what you want them to do. Sit your partner down and tell them what you’re looking for a in a relationship, or what you don’t have the ability to manage. The more honest you both are, the easier it becomes to reach across barriers and unite on a vision of the togetherness.
6. Get back to the root of who you are
If you’re someone who has a mile-long list of unrealistic expectations, that is often caused by a failure to recognize self. This means that you are so out of touch with you are and what you need in life, that you look to others to provide those things for you. You’re out of touch with both your strength and your abilities, and this can force you to look to someone else to build the life you should rightfully build for yourself.
Spend some time getting back to the root of who you are. Identify your strengths and your weaknesses and look back with pride at all the adversity you’ve already overcome on your own. The more you expect from yourself, the less you will expect from everyone and everything around you.
When you are able to embrace the fullness of your abilities, you will see that you don’t need a relationship to provide you with anything. Instead, you will come to see your partner (and your relationship) as an added benefit and a complement to the future you are attempting to build. Removing this weight of expectation from your partnership will free it and allow you both to more fully and freely who you are together as a united front.
Putting it all together…
Our expectations can be important mile markers which guide us toward the types of partnerships that we need in order to feel fulfilled. When we fail to set realistic expectations, however, and look to our partners to fill the holes in our mental and emotional wellbeing — we’re setting ourselves up for heartbreak and failure. If we truly want to build partnerships that last, we have to train ourselves to understand these expectations and then work actively to manage them effectively.
Start out by getting crystal clear on what you have a right to expect and what you don’t. So many of our relationships fail because we set expectations that are both too high and completely unrealistic. Get a head start and get clear on what really matters and what doesn’t before you invest in a partnership. Focus on appreciation and allow that appreciation to overcome any feelings of disappointment that might cultivate a negative atmosphere. The more you focus on the positives in your relationship, the easier it will be to set realistic expectations and overcome adversity. Drop the comparisons and understand that each and every partnership is unique, with its own natural flow and process. Have more honest conversations and learn how to be both frank and open when you aren’t getting what you need. Get back to the root of who you are and rely on yourself so that you don’t have to rely on your partner and unrealistically high expectations. Let your relationship be an enjoyable experience, not a burden.
