Start communicating more effectively with your partner
If you want to connect with your partner on a deeper level, start by opening up.
by: E.B. Johnson
Our relationships are important, but it’s not always easy to maintain open channels of communication within them. Life is hectic, and it creeps up between us and our partners in more ways than one. Part of bridging that space is learning how to talk and share with one another in productive and healthy ways each and every day.
The power of the effective communicator is one that sleeps within all of us. It empowers us to connect with our partners and spouseds on a deeper level, and it is the tool by which we establish ourselves. It’s critical, but it takes time and practice to develop. When we understand communication in our relationships, we can truly start to understand the techniques that allow us to unlock our love in new and transformative ways. Good communication matters, and it has a number of astounding benefits that can help us grow both inside and out as partners.
What’s the point of communication?
Communication is a key part of who we are as a species. We use communication to form everything from our intimate relationships to our professional careers. It helps us to define who we are, and it’s one of the mirrors by which we realizes ourselves in the world. Communicating effectively matters, and it matters for a number of reasons.
When we communicate with our partners and other people around us, we keep things clear and make it easier to deal with the deep issues that are plaguing us. More than that, it’s an invaluable tool when it comes to bonding and connecting with our partners, while building the adversity we need to manage the challenges of life. Communication is critical in a good relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
We are creatures who crave communication. Whether it takes place in our personal lives or our professional spheres, dialogue and conversation are a core piece of the human experience and the way by which we captain ourselves through this world. Learning how to communicate isn’t enough, however. In order to truly thrive, we have to learn how to communicate effectively, but that’s a skill that can be a little more elusive.
Why it’s hard to communicate with our partners.
Though we crave deep and lasting communication with our partners, we often struggle to utilize it for a number of reasons. From the toxic patterns we learn in childhood, to the one-sided way we see and project things on those around us — getting to the point of good communication first takes understanding what makes us such bad communicators.
Childhood learning
As children, we learn most of the critical patterns that we utilize as adults, and this includes our communication patterns and attachment patterns. Our parental figures don’t just teach us how to dress, read, write or ride a bike; they also teach us to open up or shut down, and they can teach us, too, to bury our emotions and self-detonate our relationships in a number of ways.
A one-sided perspective
Because of the way we’re conditioned, it can often be hard to step outside yourself to see things from your partner’s point of view. Rather than seeing things for what they are in any given circumstance, we’re more prone to react as we perceive we “should” react — getting in the way of true communication or being able to connect with your partner on any real level.
Projection
Projection is one of the biggest problems that couples face when it comes to healthy and effective communication. This occurs when one partner substitutes their beliefs, feelings or perspective in place of their partner’s, assuming they know precisely what’s going on and why. Project prevents us from opening up and creating dual pathways to communication. Without gathering input from our spouse, it’s impossible to know what’s really going on, but a partner who projects is too far beyond to see that.
The benefits of communicating with our partners.
The benefits are numerous when it comes to good communication. When we open up to our partners, we allow them to see us as we are and we allow ourselves to see things as they really are. It’s a powerful tool that can help us solve almost any ill in our partnerships when we know how to wield it.
Avoiding misunderstandings
Clear communication is the best way to avoid the misunderstandings and disappointed expectations that result in relationship breakdowns. When we communicate with one another openly and frequently, we don’t leave room for the projections and the confusion. Instead, we leave ourselves free to understand one another and connect on deeper and more intimate levels.
Truth and reality
It can be easy to get caught up in our own narrative and the things that are going on in our lives, but it’s important to remember that our partners have their own truth and reality going on. Communication is key in being able to see where your partner is coming from, and it’s key in understanding their truths and perceptions of things. When you increase general understanding, you decrease the opportunity for conflict — but it takes daily commitment.
More connection
It’s no mystery that continual conflict in a relationship leads to disconnection and space that’s both corrosive and self-defeating. Context is imperative when we’re considering our partners, and it’s critical that we constantly rely on context when dealing with our spouses and other halves. When we lean on context, we increase our understanding of one another, and this can lead to better held conversations and ability to better keep things in a positive place.
Comfort with space
Though we may not like to admit it (more due to our own personal hangups than anything else) — space can be a good thing for a relationship when things are getting tense. Space allows us to rest and recharge our own batteries, while allowing our partners to do the same. When we give one another space, we can often better see things from the other person’s perspective. Getting comfortable with that space, however, is something that is critical too, and something that many of us struggle with deeply.
Fewer arguments
Talking to each other has been shown to lead to a decrease in arguments. Open lines of communication avoid the pitfalls of hiding or misunderstanding, and allow us to stand bravely in our own truths as both partners and individuals. When you can do this confidently, it better enables you both to navigate the waters of disagreement without resorting to full-blown arguments.
More trust
Communication is the best way to establish trust in a relationship — the foundation stone upon which the best partnerships are built. When you trust your partner, you are better able to be vulnerable with them and open up in ways that are both intimate and transformative. You must be secure in the will and intentions of your partner, however, and that’s something that’s primarily achieved through honest and efficient dialogue.
Emotional intimacy
Perhaps the biggest benefit of increased communication with our partners is increased emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy allow us to come close to one another and open up in ways that we are unable to with our family and our friends. When we’re emotionally close, it increases the satisfaction in every other aspect of our relationship and also increases the happiness and wellbeing in which we find ourselves.
How to communicate with our other halves more efficiently.
If you’re ready to become a better communicator, the good news is that you can. By utilizing some simple techniques into your daily routines, you and your partner can become closer in a number of months. It takes dedication, though, and it takes a little commitment each day; both from you and your partner.
1. Share your experiences
When we think communication, we most often think of a scene akin to two people sitting down over hot coffee. These types of mundane conversations can’t do the trick on their own, however, and need a little boosting from the proactive spirit in all of us. If you truly want to connect with your partner, you can’t just ask them about mundane stuff — you have to actively share experiences, including the small ones.
Rather than just asking your partner about their day, actively try to be a part of it from time to time. This doesn’t mean going out to a big fancy dinner every week, or going all out — it simply means sharing a few of the simple experiences together each day so you feel mutually invested in the life that you’re building.
Avoid situations that might cause discord (like putting the kids to bed or hosting a big couples dinner) and look for the things you can easily do or incorporate into your daily routines. No matter what you’re doing, doing it at the same time can facilitate both bonding and deeper and more meaningful communication that connects you both intimately. Creating better communication in your relationships isn’t always about words. Often, it’s about action.
2. Use small talk as a tool
Though small talk alone can’t do the trick of opening up masterful communication, it is still a powerful tool that we can utilize on the road to a happy partnership. Relationships that have really been through the ringer might need a little bit more time to open up and bloom. When that’s the case, small talk can be a great way to get the juices going and get you comfortable with speaking to one another again.
Start the thaw by reaching for a mutual interest or like that you know you both can engage with. Insignificant first steps might lead to a conversation that unlocks the door to a better couple-hood, so don’t be afraid to reach for the most ridiculous or mundane shared interest or experience that you have.
Lean into the tiniest of details to discover clues of who your partner is and what they want from life. Don’t assume you know all the details of your partner’s life, and don’t allow them to assume to know yours. Grocery lists and holiday cards are a great and simple place to start. Sit down and chat through the experience, and allow yourself to be naturally (and slowly) led to the deeper places you’re both longing to go.
3. Increase shared memories
It’s not enough to just share our experiences, we should be working all the time to create new memories with our partners that keep us bonded and interested in one another. One of the biggest complaints couples make is of stagnation, but as people we’re changing all the time. When we share those changes with our partners, and allow them to come on our journey of transformation with us, we create new memories that keep us bound together in respect, appreciation and mutual admiration.
Plan a trip together or spend some time away exploring some place new. Invest in that painting or pottery class, or spend a night in building a fort together. Get creative with it and get fun with it. The more fun you’re having together, the happier and more permanent the memories will be. Over time, you’ll form a database of joy that the two of you can lean on in times of conflict.
Spend time together talking about unimportant things and doing unimportant things. Explore the world, explore your city, explore one another. The more time we spend together (outside of our independent time alone) — the more we can connect through both verbal and non-verbal communication. There’s a lot more said through our memories than we often give ourselves credit for. Create more memories to create a happier tomorrow with your partner.
4. Ask more questions
Questions are the doorway through which we explore the world around us and other people too. Though the age of social media has taught us to talk about ourselves incessantly, it’s important to remember to ask questions and engage the people around us — especially our partners. By asking questions, not only do we get to know our loved ones, we get to know more about what they want and what we want as well.
Whenever you have a chance, ask your partner questions about themselves, what they want, and what’s going on in their lives. Let them know that it’s safe to communicate with you, but also let them know that you’re actually invested and interested in their lives. When you think you’ve asked enough questions — ask one more (unless the other person has made it clear they’re uncomfortable).
Listen actively when your partner opens up to you, and let them know you’re interested in what they’re saying by interacting with the topic outside of the usual “sure” and “unh-huh”. Start light, but let the questions lead where they will naturally, and appropriately to the conversation and atmosphere. Don’t assume you know anything about your partner, and understand that they — like you — are constantly changing and finessing who they are and what they want from life independently of you and your desires.
5. Limit your self-talk
Our inner critics are one of the number one causes of self-detonated relationships. When we allow our inner critic too much leeway , it can destroy our sense of self and our self-esteem in ways which make it easy for us to hate ourselves and the people around us; therefore making it easier for the wrong type of space to grow in our relationships.
Ease off that inner critic and develop new ways to deal with all the biting elf-critiques. Stop lashing out and start looking inward. Learn how to avoid the triggers that set him or her off and try to cultivate positive responses to negative outbursts. You can do this by reframing your own world views and getting to the root of the childhood traumas and heartbreaks that led to such a virulent inner voice.
Judging our partners is stupid, but judging yourself is especially pointless. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. The sooner you realize that (and accept it) the happier you’ll be. Whatever you achieve, someone will achieve better. However bad you did, someone will do worse. Take no notice of your inner critic and start living your life in line what what you know is your authentic truth, so that you can live it in line with your partner as well. If you want something to be different make it different, and start right now.
6. Actively listen
One of the first rules of learning how to become a better speaker is to become a better listener. If you truly want to possess the power to connect with people through your dialogue, learn how to listen to them actively. Active listening is a critical skill, and one we often take for granted (in our increasingly me, me, me world). Be a listener if you want to be a communicator. You can’t truly connect until you learn how to see people and really hear what they’re saying.
Active listening is all about really engaging with with what you’re hearing and applying your senses when, and where, they are called for. It’s comprised of both verbal and non-verbal cues, and is far more than just smiling and nodding with an occasional “uh-huh”.When we listen actively we have to provide feedback and really try to relate to what the other party is saying.
We think that everyone wants to be seen — and they doo — but above all, they want to be heard. They want to know that when they share their words, someone is truly ingesting them and processing them, taking on the emotions and hardship of it as if it were their own. There’s a line, but active listening is one of the best ways to build up our communication skills. If you want to be heard, learn how to listen. It’s one of the oldest tricks in the book.
Putting it all together…
Relationships are hard, but they’re also important and rewarding when they’re healthy and balanced. Part of reaching that balance means learning how to communicate more effectively where our partnerships are concerned. By committing to making things a little better each day, we can unlock the secrets of our partner’s hearts and in the process unlock our own. It takes work, though, and it takes know that this is a process — not an instance fix. Good relationships can be built up from rubble, but we have to commit to the journey every single day.
Share your experiences, and don’t just lean on mundane lines of questions as a means of “connecting”. Really tell your partner about yourself, and really work hard to coax their own experiences out of them. Use small talk as a tool to warm one another up and open up the pathways of mutual connection. Bonding with our partner takes time and it’s a nuanced process. Let it unfold naturally by increasing the number of small experiences you share together each day. When in doubt, ask more questions, and be as hungry to know about your S.O. as you are to talk about yourself. Draw a line around the “me, me, let’s talk about me,” and focus on the other person. When you actively listen and actively invest in the other person in the relationship, you encourage them to do the same. Boost the strength of your relationship today by leaning into communication like never before.
