The best ways to talk to your partner about sex
If you want a better sex life — get better at talking to your partner about sex.
by: E.B. Johnson
TThough we might think that sex always comes naturally or easily — that isn’t always the case. Sometimes, we can face hangups in our sex lives that make it hard to stay connected with our partners or bonded in the ways that we want to.
If you want to build a better intimate life with your partner, you have to start talking about sex. That means opening up about what you want and allowing them to do the same. There’s nothing wrong with talking about. The only wrong thing is ignoring its crucial important in our partnerships.
We have to talk about sex.
Sex. As humans, we are a species that loves sex, but many of us struggle to create healthy ideas around this type of physical intimacy. This can come down to poor examples set in childhood, or it can come down to our own fundamental misunderstandings. However it shakes out, it’s crucial that we learn how to open up about sex in order to improve the quality of it in our romantic relationships.
The more comfortable we get talking about sex, the more we can come to understand our partner’s sexual needs as well as our own. When we communicate openly, we uncover new facets of self and allow ourselves to expand our perspective.
Talking about sex isn’t always easy, but it is something that has to be done when we find ourselves in a long-term relationship. When we open up about our intimate needs, we allow our partners to do the same. We also create a greater sense of trust, understanding and security that can help us bond and overcome hardship. Open up and start talking about sex if you want to build stronger relationships that can overcome the test of time.
Why sex is important in a relationship.
For many of us, sexual intimacy is a crucial part of our romantic relationships. It brings us together in special ways and can even help to alleviate stress. Sexual intimacy is great, but talking about it requires understanding its benefits.
Opportunity to bond
Sex gives you an emotional high, which makes it easier for you both to open up and be vulnerable with one another. For this reason, it’s a great way to bond, and it’s a great way to build up the affectionate pedestals we hold one another on.
Cultivating security
Though a partner that takes advantage can make us feel insecure, healthy sexual relationships can actually go a long way in cultivating a greater sense of security in our partnerships. Being able to open up to someone so deeply in a safe mannermakes it clear that we can trust them with our deepest emotions and fears.
Expressing affection
Affection is a crucial part of any relationship, and a part of the way many of us express that affection is through intimate acts. Sex is a great way to show someone how much you care for them, or how close you want to be with them. It’s the ultimately exercise in vulnerability and letting someone see you as you are.
Relieving stress
Sex is a great stress reliever and it can help with things like improving the quality of our sleep and even lowering cortisol levels. This type of physical intimacy can also go a long way to alleviate the conflict-related stress and tension you and your partner are dealing with when life gets hard.
Increasing confidence
Great sex is great for relationships because it increases our confidence and makes it easier to trust our partners. When we’re being sexually intimate, we’re being vulnerable — which is a transformative thing. The more comfortable you get with expressing yourself, the stronger you come to feel within yourself.
Greater emotional intimacy
Sex isn’t just about the physical game. It’s about the emotional one too. Our sex lives have a direct correlation to the amount of emotional intimacy we share in our partnerships, and it can also seriously impact the emotions we share with one another. When the sex is good, you see your partner differently and you see yourself differently too.
The best ways to talk to your partner about sex.
Stop allowing your sexual hangups to get in the way of the great intimate life you could be building. Build more romance in the bedroom by improving the way you talk about sex with these basic techniques.
1. Self-assess
Before you can approach your partner about your sex life, you need to know (specifically) what it is you want to talk about. This requires taking a good hard look inward, however, and getting honest about what you want.
Spend some time being honest with yourself. Why are you really unhappy with your sex life? What could make it better?
Self-assess and make sure you know the full lay of the intimate land inwardly before opening the door outwardly. Honestly admit to your sexual needs, but also get focused on creating an environment in which your partner’s needs can also be met.
2. Make a plan
Once you know what you want, it’s time to sit down and make a plan. Pull out your journal and find a safe place where you won’t be interrupted. What’s the best way to approach your partner about how you’re feeling, and what’s going tohave the best results for your long-term love life?
Consider how you want to approach your loved one, and what you want to say. Now that you know what you need sexually (as well as what’s going wrong) you can address it with them honestly.
Make sure you’re not bombarding them, however, and make sure you’re leaving enough room for them to speak their own truths. Plan out what you want to say, and how you want to say it. Remember: keep it kind, neutral and respectful — sticking to facts rather than emotion.
3. Keep it specific
After you’ve opened up a dialogue and begun speaking with your partner about your intimacy issues, it’s crucial that you stick only to the factual details. Avoid the big emotions and be specific about what’s working and what isn’t.
Pick only one topic per conversation and don’t press them into places they don’t want to go. Keep it specific. Tell them how you’re feeling, and why, but avoid any blaming language or inflamed word choice that might lead to conflict.
The softer you tread here, the easier it will be for your partner to open up and feel heard. Be clear about the rules and let them know that (in order to better address your issues) you’re going to keep it current and focused on one issue at a time.
4. Drop the complaints
It can be easy to confuse complaints with constructive dialogue, but it’s important that you don’t let yourself cross the line here. When talking to our partners about sex, drop the complaints and make suggestions rather than demands.
Don’t expect your partner to take everything you suggest on board and understand that you also are not obligated to meet their sexual needs.
Though we should strive always to find a middle ground intimately, we are not entitled to getting our way sexually, and neither is our partner. Drop the complaints and come to one another with understanding rather than expectations.
5. Be respectful
If you truly want to have a productive conversation on sex with your partner or spouse, you have to focus on respect and work hard to maintain that respect throughout all aspects of your encounter.
Don’t belittle one another or dismiss any needs or desires that might be expressed. Don’t laugh and certainly don’t act as though they are less-than.
When we maintain respect, we make it easier to open up to one another and be honest and candid. We make vulnerability (and therefore intimacy) that much easier to obtain by simply respecting the right to need what we need.
6. Go slowly
Not all of us were born sexually awakened and many of us are still working to find our way to healthy intimacy. It’s crucial that you never rush your partner, or create the idea that they have to reach a certain level of intimacy in order for your relationship to meet a certain standard of worthiness.
Don’t rush the process. Open up to one another slowly and with intention and purpose. Connect by peeling back the layers and don’t worry about what comes next.
The slower we go, the greater opportunity we give ourselves to see one another just as we are. In that lies true intimacy, but that requires us to cultivate the understanding that really great sex comes naturally…and only after we fully open up to one another in compassion and understanding.
Putting it all together…
Sex is an important part of our relationships, but it’s not always the easiest topic to bring up. If you want to have a better sex life with your partner or spouse, then you have to improve the way you talk about sex. Stop letting things fall by the wayside and get realistic about fixing your sexual intimacy.
Self-assess and get honest about what you need from your sex life in order to feel fulfilled within your relationship. Then, make a plan to open up to your partner or spouse and do so candidly and with directness. The clearer and more specific you are, the less room you will leave for misunderstandings. Drop the complaints and understand that — while you both are entitled to your desires — neither one of you is entitled to the sexual desires of the other person. Seek to build a mutually beneficial intimate life and do it through commitment and compromise. Be respectful of one another and go slowly. Not all your intimacy problems will be fixed overnight, and not all of them can. Take it one day at a time and bloom together through communication.
