Use intimate bonding to increase your happiness
Intimate bonding is just what we need to establish the connections it takes to thrive.
by: E.B. Johnson
When it comes to the relationships we share with our partners and spouses, bonding is a critical part of the process. Bonding with those closest to us is a journey, and its complexity become even more nuanced in the chaos of modern living. When we’re too busy living, it’s not hard to lose sight of what matters. Without time and dedication our relationships can evaporate; leaving us feeling lonely, empty and unfulfilled on a core level.
Maintaining our intimate relationships is all about bonding, and it’s all about putting in the work to make those bonds strong. Committed relationships take just that — commitment — and they require our dedication each and every day. If you want to get closer to your partner or spouse, you’ve got to focus on deepening the bonds you share. By focusing on a few basics techniques, and putting a little effort each day, you can create a relationship foundation that is strong enough to withstand any test life has to throw your way.
The types of intimacy.
Traditionally, when we think intimacy, we think of sex — but that’s only one part of the relationship puzzle. Bonding on an intimate level with our partners actual takes place across 4 key planes (only one of which includes sex) that come together to make a happy and balanced relationship. For a truly fulfilling partnership, we have to learn to bond across these planes — rather than just focusing on one area over another.
Experiential
As couples, it’s important to retain your own individual identities, but it’s also important to share a wide breadth of experiences together. For instance, going hiking, camping or going to see a movie are shared experiences that can bring you closer together. It’s not important to do everything together, but it is important to have a wide array of shared experiences you can both rely on.
Intellectual
Though we don’t always push it to the forefront, intellectual bonding is extremely critical for the happiness and longevity of our relationships. Exchanging ideas with one another allows us to share the things we care about and discover new avenues of interest and stimulation. When we deepen our intellectual understanding of one another, we uncover new and exciting facets of our partners that allow us to deepen both our connection with one another, and our interest in the relationship and the direction it’s taking.
Emotional
Emotional intimacy is (quite possibly) the most important level of bonding and connection when it comes to our romantic partnerships. While physical intimacy is most often touted as the most important aspect of a modern relationship, being emotionally intimate with your partner is far more rewarding and valuable when it comes to meaningful connection — though it’s one we often overlook. Feeling emotionally disconnected with your partner can cause a number of issues. Being able to truly understand your partner, spouse, or loved one while being vulnerable is key to deep and lasting relationships that we can depend on.
Physical
The final pillar of any happy relationship is the physical one. While this does — in many cases — include sex, that’s not all it entails. Physical intimacy, far from being just sexual intimacy, is simply being gently affectionate with one another in a way that makes both parties feel loved, wanted and special in some sort of physical way. Copulation aside, this type of intimacy also includes hugs, hand-holding and cuddling; crucial aspects of any happy partnership.
Why deeper bonds are needed.
Bonding across these 4 planes is important for any happy and healthy relationship. When we bond emotionally, physically, intellectually and experientially with our loved ones, we build trust and understanding that allows us to lean on one another in ways we cannot lean on others. Pursuing these intimate bonds also come with a plethora of other benefits that can add layers of value and happiness to our day-to-day lives.
A foundation of respect
When we spend time getting to know our partners on their deepest and most core levels, we naturally build up a sense of respect for them that is then returned. Getting to know one another on an authentic level also shows that you value one another, and you value each other’s thoughts, views and opinions. Respect is key for any happy relationship, and it’s also a pleasant side effect of taking the time to bond emotionally, physically, intellectually and experientially.
Strengthen communication skills
Even the most skilled orator can struggle when it comes down to intimate, partner-to-partner communication. Speaking to our loved ones is not the same as speaking to a friend or co-worker. There is nuance when it comes to digging into or opening up to our partners, and bonding can help us discover those nuances. Deep emotional connections allow us to get in tune with one another’s wants and needs in a way that makes it easier to communicate what you want and what you’re looking for. The more you bond, the more simple communication comes and the quicker you’re able to join one another’s wave lengths.
Mood booster
One of the best parts of bonding with a spouse or partner is the overall boost in mood it provides. When we take the time to get close to others, it actually allows our body to release oxytocin — which is a hormone that naturally enhances our self-esteem, trust, optimism and even the part of the brain that actually forms intimate bonds. This hormone also helps to lower our stress levels and improve blood pressure and cortisol levels — one of the main culprits behind weight-gain and poor immune system function.
Trust and security
Many of us struggle with a lack of trust, and while much of that correction relies on our internal work, it can also be combated by establishing healthier outward-facing relationships. Connecting with our partner across the planes of intimacy allows us to reinvigorate our sense of trust and affection, empowering us to lean into relationships and realize that there is security there for us. The deeper the connections we form, the more we come to trust not only the other person, but ourselves as well.
The best ways to achieve an intimate bond.
When it comes to bonding on intimate, physical, emotional and experiential levels, the basic techniques tend to be the best techniques. By focusing on a few key actions each day, you can create deep and fulfilling relationships that are able to withstand the test of time. If you want to create a partnership that is both strong and meaningful, use these 6 techniques to create the love you’ve dreamed of.
1. Share your goals
According to Andrea Amour — founder of UpDate Coaching — sharing your goals together is one of the best ways you start building more meaningful connections in your partnership. Couple aren’t brought together by their personal similarities. They’re brought together by the similarities of their long term goals. Without a shared sense of purpose, there is little else to work toward and little to build.
No matter how small your goals are, communicating them with your partner allows them to see a greater picture of who you are, and it also allows them to get involved with your dreams in a way that’s inspirational. You can find ways to tack those dreams and goals together, and get excited about future plans and opportunities together. Likewise, you can push your partner to go after the things they really want, and connect in a way that fosters a culture of support.
Strong bonds are all about shared visions, and we share those visions by communicating them with the people who love and trust the most. If you want to get closer with your loved one or spouse, try taking a few minutes each night to share something you’re really excited about. You might be surprised at how such a simple thing can inspire deep connection.
2. Share your life
Simply sharing your day with your partner is one of the best ways to foster a strong and secure bond between one another. When we understand our partners (and what they’re going through) we are better able to encourage them and empower them to capitilize on their unique strengths and skills. This means getting to know what’s going on in their lives, however, both the highs and the lows.
Take a few minutes each day to share what happened while you were apart. If a great thing happened at work, tell your partner. If a bad thing happened at work — tell them that too. Don’t hold back just because you feel like they won’t want to hear it, or won’t understand. Give them a chance.
Sharing where we’re at in our day or our lives gives our partner the opportunity to see us for exactly who we are. It also allows them to see what what might be lacking or what we might need, support-wise. Taking a few minutes each day to share your life with your partner opens up the bonding door and lets them come inside, getting a first-hand perspective on what we need from them in order to feel supported and fulfilled.
3. Make eye contact
This might seem like a common-sense piece of advice, but you’d probably be shocked at how frequently eye-contact gets thrown out the window when it comes to bonding intimately with our partners.
Each night, take a few moments to make meaningful eye-contact with your partner. While this might feel uncomfortable at first, it will get easier over time and (done correctly) allow you feel a new type of connection with your partner that you’ve never experienced before.
Taking a little time each day to make eye contact with our partners can actually help to relax us and remind us that we are with someone who is truly on our side. It also helps our partners to feel engaged and plugged in when it comes to our energy levels; an invaluable asset when it comes to any fulfilling partnership.
4. Get thoughtful
When life gets hectic, we often stop paying attention to the little things in life that bring us the most happiness and meaning. Modern living has a funny habit of getting in the way of our intimate relationship, so it’s important to take stock and remind ourselves (and the other person) why we love them so much. One of the best ways to do that is engaging in small, thoughtful acts each day that remind one another that you both matter.
Do one small thing each day for your partner that is both thoughtful and kind. This could be as simple as folding their laundry for them at the end of a hard day, or bringing them a cup of coffee first thing in the morning. It doesn’t have to cost you time or a fortune; it just needs to be a small act of, “Hey, remember that you’re important to me.”
Small, thoughtful acts for our partners help us to bond and help to remind both parties when they’re in the relationship in the first place. When you commit to small acts of kindness for your partner or spouse, you remind them that you’re both on the same team and committed to building a happy life together. Building unbreakable bonds take time and commitment, and little actions like this are a part of that commitment.
5. Be in one another’s presence
Bonding on an intimate level with our partners isn’t all about the physical affection or even the conversation. Another essential part of connecting with one another is just sharing the same physical space and being in the same room with one another.
Conversation and physical connection can be overstimulating for some and dissapointing for others. When this is the case, it’s important to remember that physical presence on its own is an act of intimate bonding. You don’t have to have the constant pressure of chit-chat and sexuality. It’s enough to simply be around one another for a few quiet moments each day.
Sitting in silence while doing an activity is a great way to bond, and can actually help you to connect on an even deeper level than you might with traditional chatter and activity. You can watch a tv show, or even sit around while you each read the latest book from the “to-read” pile. These techniques are just as effective as “traditional” bonding techniques.
6. Make skin-to-skin connection
There can be little denying that physical connection is an important part of any intimate relationship. Again, however, this doesn’t have to come down solely to sex or sexual activities. It can simply come down to taking some time each day to make skin-to-skin contact with your partner or spouse.
As humans, we’re biologically programmed to respond to skin-on-skin contact. Just like the simple act of sharing and hugging can induce that feel-good hormone, oxytocin — so too can getting physical and feeling the warmth of your partner’s physical presence. Research has shown that making this type of flesh-to-flesh contact boosts our oxytocin levels, as well as our seratonin and dopamine levels.
Kissing, hugging and cuddling with one another can actually allow us to feel happier and more connected with our partners. As our seratonin and dopamine levels rise, we begin to feel more confident and more self-assured, which translates through our interactions with our loved ones. Over time, these boosts help us to open up in new and exciting ways and feel more engaged with those we love most. Getting truly physical intimate, though, isn’t just limited to sex; an important factor to keep in mind if you’re looking for a relationship that is both balanced and fulfilling across the 4 planes of intimacy.
Putting it all together…
Bonding on an intimate level with our partners is the cornerstone of any happy, meaningful and lasting relationship. It’s important, however, to be understand what true intimacy looks like, and know the 4 planes of intimacy inside and out. Only when we realize that true connection occurs on the experiential, physical, intellectual and emotional levels can we start creating deep relationships witht our partners that can overcome the stress of modern to living. These 4 planes form the basis of every happy partnership, and we can maintain them with just a few basic techniques engaged every single day.
Start sharing your goals with your partner, and share dreams that the two of you can aim toward together. Take a few minutes each day too to share your day with them, and fill them in on the good and the bad that’s going on in your life. Make eye contact with your partner, and share a bit more of yourself each day — giving them a glimpse inside the walls that keep you so strong. Remind them (and yourself) why your relationship is so important by doing something kind and thoughtful for your partner each day. Don’t keep pressuring yourself for the perfect conversation or the perfect sexual encounter. Realize that spending a few quiet moments together is enough to bond on that authentic level that you’re seeking. Choose a happy relationship today by putting in the work it takes to thrive.
