Overcoming your fear of intimacy

Discover how to get close when getting intimate feels too difficult.

by: E.B. Johnson

Fear of intimacy is a very real and a very damaging thing. Being unable to get close to people can wreck your relationships and wreak havoc on your personal life, but it’s especially dangerous when it comes to your wellbeing and self-esteem. As humans, we're social creatures and that socializing can come with a certain level of intimacy. For some of us, it takes getting close to find true happiness, but this takes letting people in and doing it the right way.

Intimacy comes in all shapes and sizes and it stems from a wide range of emotions experiences. Whether it’s physical intimacy or emotional intimacy, getting close isn’t always easy but it’s necessary in order for us to grow, change and get back in touch with our authentic selves. Learning how to spot the signs of an intimacy problem take time and little understanding. Getting there is a beautiful journey, though, and one whose lessons last a lifetime.

The types of intimacy.

Intimacy means different things to different people, but it basically comes down to 2 subsets: physical intimacy and emotional intimacy.

Physical intimacy can often come easier to us than emotional intimacy — especially in today’s super-sexed society. Physical intimacy is getting up close and personal with someone physically and can come down to something as simple as a hug or kiss, or range all the way to sex itself.

Emotional intimacy is the facet of closeness that many of us struggle most with. This type of intimacy is the deep and lasting kind, which has more to do with revealing who we are on the inside, rather than the outside (physical intimacy).

The elements of intimacy.

There are 6 elements to true intimacy, and these facets also comprise the foundations of a strong and lasting relationship. Without these columns of meaningful connection, it is hard to maintain affection and even harder to hold on tight to your other-half or the people you care for most when the going gets tough.

Knowledge of one another

A deep and intimate emotional connection centers around a raw and unflinching knowledge of one another. When we are truly close to someone, we share a vast amount of personal information that we wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable sharing with others.

Trust in one another

We feel comfortable sharing ourselves with the people we love because we trust them. Trust is an integral part in any relationship, but it’s especially important in our most intimate connections. Trust is looking at who a person is (rather than who you wished them to be) and knowing that they will do what they say they will. It’s not just believing the best of someone because that’s what you want to see, it’s seeing the reality and still feeling secure.

Honoring one another

Honor, like trust, is based around who our partner is, rather than who we wished they were. It is treating the people we love with respect, rather than dissing them, no matter where our emotions might take us. When you honor your partner, you respect them, and you don’t try to change them even if it’s in their best interest.

Gratitude for one another

While our stereotypical idea of love can often lead us down a path to judgement, gratitude is the main means by which we see past the flaws of our partners. Gratitude and judgement cannot coexist; when you’re grateful for someone (truly grateful) you are accepting of them in a way that is pure and unconditional.

Acceptance of one another

Accepting your partner is receiving who they are entirely, but it comes with a certain awareness. You cannot accept someone, truly, without knowing who they are — boils, warts and all. When we accept our partner we are not saying, “I make allowances for you,” we are saying, “I see your flaws, but I love you anyway…unconditionally.”

Vulnerability with one another

When we are vulnerable with someone, we open ourselves up to them and reveal wounds that are still bleeding and painful. Vulnerability is showing your whole heart and placing it into the keeping of another. It is one of the most beautiful and rewarding parts of any intimate partnership, but it is often one of the most fearsome factors to master. Vulnerability isn’t just about romance or sex or touch. It is much, much deeper than that. It requires allowing yourself to be known by another person. If you’re someone who’s been hurt by the world, though, it is this being known that makes being intimate hard.

Where does our fear of intimacy come from?

Thanks to past heartbreaks or childhood traumas, many of us live our life in constant fear of rejection, loss or grief; counting down the minutes until someone lets us down or disappoints our expectations. These experiences are at the core of our intimacy issues. When you really break it down, our fear of intimacy generally has its roots in 3 places:

The failure of our role models

If you grew up in a home with parents who avoided being intimate with one another, you yourself might struggle getting close to the people you love as well. The failure of our parents or caregivers to model healthy, respectful intimacy is one of the number one reasons we fail to master intimacy ourselves, and is one of the main factors we find it such an awkward and uncomfortable learning experience.

Past heartbreaks

Getting your heart broken a time or two will make you hesitant when it comes to getting close, even if it was something you once excelled at. Consciously or unconsciously, we protect ourselves by avoiding intimacy when we’ve experienced rejection and heartbreak in the past.

Low sense of self-worth

When we don’t value ourselves, it’s impossible to see what value we could offer to other people. Feeling inadequate or like we aren’t good enough can make us run for the hills when it’s time to go deeper. This is because intimacy requires being seen — really seen — on a primal and soul-bearing level. Even when we can’t accept certain aspects of our inner-self, true intimacy requires us to expose those parts to the ones we seek a meaningful connection with.

Failure to recognize these fears and triggers for what they are is what leads to major relationship breakdowns. The only way to prevent them is to embrace those fears and untangle the stranglehold they have on your love life the best that you can.

Signs you have trouble being intimate.

Intimacy problems are common, considering that almost 17% of adults in the Western world report having difficulty connecting deeply with others. If you are someone who withdraws from your partner as soon as things start to get “too real”, or if you find your relationships always sitting stagnant on the surface-level — you might have a problem connecting intimately with your partner.

If you’re unsure whether or not you have an intimacy problems, these warning signs are generally a good place to start. An intimacy phobia can look different in everyone, but there are some pretty common warning signs that you have trouble when it comes to getting close.

• Self-consciousness — A constant need to be “perfect” or a constant awareness of the opinion of others.
• Ambivalence toward social situations — Desire to be with others but an obsessed fixation or worry over the entire situation and experience.
• Difficulty being candid with others — Having a hard time just being “real”; a need to control your speech or presentation at all times.
• Touch-related anxiety — Anxiety produced by being touched or being physically close to someone, even someone you trust; especially a sign of physical intimacy and a potential sign of past / childhood traumas.
• Perfectionism — See self-consciousness; a constant need to be seen as perfect by those around you or a need to constantly outperform everyone around you.
• Feeling of being trapped — Feeling trapped by the emotions or expectations of another is a sign that you might struggle with intimacy or the physical or emotional subsets.
• Constant excuses — Those who cannot get close to others make constant excuses for the rotating door of friends of lovers that pass through their lives. No matter who they find, that person never quite meets their standards and there’s always a reason to look for something better over the horizon.
• Workaholic — Being a workaholic can often be a sign of someone who struggles getting close to others. It is easier to avoid intimacy when you have the excuse of work to distract and pull you away from the personal moments that require more.
• Deep-seated belief in intrinsic unlovability — When we are repeatedly injured it becomes easy to believe that there is something broken inside of us that makes us unworthy of love. This is untrue. Everyone is worthy of love and until you realize that, it is hard to get close to anyone else.

How to overcome your fear of intimacy.

If you're looking for a better way to get up-close-and-personal with someone you love, then there are some solid techniques and exercises that can be utilized to help us overcome this hurdle. By utilizing these 11 basic techniques, you can open the door to your intimacy and start getting close in ways you never imagined before.

1. Stop letting your inner critic rule the day

Our inner critic is that harsh voice that tells us we aren’t good enough, or that we’ll never be able to make someone else happy. While it might be right about making other people happy (after all, we’re the only ones who can make ourselves happy), it’s usually not right when it comes to it’s overly-critical analysis of our choices and feelings.

Those with loud inner critics often find themselves battling with feelings of low self-worth.This makes it hard for them to get close to others and even harder to get close to your authentic self. The first step in managing your inner critic is becoming aware of her. Notice what triggers her most vicious outbursts and become a pro when it comes to shutting her down. Try to reframe her points into positive criticism you can use. If not — turn your attention to something else and give her a firm “No!” (out loud or in your head will do).

You can also learn to manage your inner critic by adopting a mindful journaling practice. Write down what your inner critic says and the way that type of negative thinking makes you feel. Only when you become aware of your feelings and beliefs can you start to take charge of them and reframe them in a way that better suits you.

2. Cultivate self-confidence and let go of your insecurities

If you want to overcome your fears or insecurities you have to spend time with them. Having an intimacy disorder is often a sign of low self-esteem (as mentioned above). Because of this, it’s vital for you to increase your confidence and start feeling good about yourself so that you can start feeling good about your relationships with others. Boosting your self-confidence and minimizing your insecurities can often start with an activity as simple as exercise.

When you get plenty of exercise and eat a well-balanced diet, you quickly see changes on the outside that can motivate you to keep developing the inside too. You can also follow your passions and find the things that give you real, unadulterated pleasure. As you make these changes, little by little, you’ll start to realize all the beautiful and amazing strengths that have been slumbering away inside of you. When you start to see these strengths, your insecurities will fade away, and you’ll be standing in the sun of a motivated, empowered person who is ready to get close to others.

In the case of deep-rooted insecurities that stem from childhood trauma or heartbreak and loss that is too raw for you to overcome, a life coach or counselor can be useful in helping you move forward. Letting go of insecurities starts with acceptance, but we sometimes need a little push to see just how beautiful we actually are.

3. Reflect over the past, but don’t linger

Looking back at the things that have come before is a great way to remember important life lessons. Dwelling in the past, however, is toxic to our present and it’s especially corrosive when it comes to our relationships.

Consider the deepest, darkest parts of your past but consider your recent history as well. What is it about your current relationships and experiences that reaffirms your belief that intimacy is unsafe? Often, when we take a few brief moments to review recent events, we can come to some even more revealing conclusions. The trick is learning how to give it a glance, however, rather than dwelling and making yourself feel even worse.

Contstant negative thinking (also known as rumination) isn’t healthy, and overcoming it is a process that takes a conscious awareness and a committed effort. Negative or unwanted thoughts undermine your self confidence and leave you plagued with insecurities. Rather than allowing yourself to be distracted by what isn’t, you have to learn to focus on what is — and learn how to live a happier life by understanding your negative emotions and how you can reframe them.

4. Decide what you want from life and love

You’ve probably heard that old adage that you can’t lead if you don’t know where you’re going. The same is true when it comes to leading the charge on personal change.

Hesitation when it comes to intimacy can sometimes be linked to our general confusion over the whole concept. Take some time to imagine your ideal life circumstances and then imagine your ideal relationship. Consider the traits you want a partner and the things you are not willing to tolerate. Think about children, hobbies and the general direction you want your life to take.

Figuring out what you want from your romantic entanglements (and your life) will allow you to make sense our of your own desires and get to the root of what intimacy looks like for you. Reflective activities like this are great for helping us solve conflicts — especially the internal sort.

5. Give yourself time

Thanks to an array of ridiculous Hollywood tropes, we generally think of intimacy as something that’s almost preordained; as if it is something that magically happens.

That, however, just isn’t true. Intimacy takes time and it takes a concentrated effort to cultivate.If you’re not feeling comfortable with someone, give yourself the time you need to warm up and get to know them before rushing into anything hasty. Set aside enough time for yourself (and the other person) and if you’re not feeling it, have enough self-worth to walk away.

Time is everything. Just like a seed, time allows us to bloom and open up slowly — once conditions are right for the specific type of beauty we have to share. Don't rush, and don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to conform to someone else's timeline. You'll bloom when you're ready. Not before.

6. Take a look at your history

The brutal fact of the matter is that we aren’t born fearing intimacy. We learn that fear from our experiences and, over time, those experiences compound to form our beliefs.

Figuring out what went wrong in your past can go a long way in helping you view your relationships from an entirely different perspective. By pinpointing the origins of your fear, you can start to consciously reply to these doubts and replace them with more positive viewpoints that allow you embrace a new kind of closeness.

Reliving our pasts can be difficult. Mindful journaling and meditation practices are a great way to get in touch with our pasts in a controlled and conscious manner, while mental health professionals are another way to connect with our histories in a meaningful (and safe) way.

7. Dip your toe into vulnerability

It might seem counterintuitive, but practicing vulnerability is one of the best ways to overcome your fear of intimacy and rejection.

Deliberately making yourself vulnerable is hard, but it’s one of the best ways to teach yourself that getting close to others isn’t always scary. You can start small, by simply challenging yourself to be a bit more friendly with someone at work or sharing a little-known fact about yourself with a friend or family member.

Being vulnerable is hard because it requires us to be ourselves in all our flawed entirety. It’s not putting on a mask and being the things you think other people want to see. It’s peeling back the layers and letting the people you love see the good things and the bad things that make you, you.

8. Relax

When you have an intimacy problem, it can often cause stress and anxiety — especially in those moments when getting close is called for. Relaxation activities can help you to relieve this stress and make it easier to get intimate.

Meditation, yoga and even prayer are great ways to recenter yourself and calm any nerves or anxiety that might have been triggered by a moment of closeness or vulnerability.

Find a quiet area free of distractions and think about what you want to achieve in your closest relationships. Acknowledge that you’re in a safe place and that your emotions are safe with those people. Focus on this positive reframing until you feel comfortable enough to open up to the people you love most. That won’t happen overnight, though. Give yourself time and take it slow.

9. Write a letter

Vocalizing our fears is a difficult thing. Expressing the way we feel can embarrass us or make us feel silly. If you already have trouble opening up, chances are you aren’t going to feel comfortable talking to someone face-to-face, so sometimes a letter is the best option. Writing a letter, rather than confronting someone, can help us to feel more in control as we express ourselves — something that is comforting to our sensitive human brain.

You can write a letter to yourself about your fears and you can also write a letter to your partner about how you feel. Discuss where your issues stem from and be honest and open about where you’re at and what you need. When you write about your desires, passions and fears you start to see them in a more realistic manner (which is, in itself, transformative). When you can see these things for what they are, you can start coming up with a plan to shift those emotions where they need to be.

Keep your letters safe, burn them or give them to the people you need to. The decision is ultimately yours. All that matters is that you get the words out of your heart and onto the paper. The longer you keep your fears locked up, the more poisonous they become.

10. Give sensate focus a try

Sensate focus is an activity that allows you to ease into intimacy without the risk of fear of rejection or embarrassment. This six-week process was designed by the Stanford School of Medicine and has been proven to work in a variety of subjects with varied intimacy issues.

This activity is all about physical intimacy. For the first two weeks, you and your partner spend time getting to know each other by exploring the body and face — without getting close to any erogenous zones or genitalia. Work on your sensitive touch with one another without the pressure of anything sexual.

From weeks 2–4, try getting to know each other even more by practicing non-intercourse stimulation, being vocal about the things you like and dislike. Finally, for the last 2 weeks, you go the full-hog by engaging in intercourse with your partner (when you feel ready). By slowly allowing yourself to get comfortable with the idea of intimacy in this way, you can slowly overcome the obstacles of the past and take your intimacy to another level.

11. Be curious about the people that matter

Intimacy, as I stated previously, isn’t just about sex. It’s about deep and meaningful connection. When we feel close to someone, it’s easier for us to let our guard down and be seen for who and what we are. Only when we are confident enough to be ourselves can we find ourselves. It takes a lot of confidence to get there, but it often starts with one simple thing: curiosity.

Be curious about yourself and the people in your life that matter. Connect with them by getting to know them and who they are on the inside as well as the outside. Curiosity is key for romantic relationships to thrive, and it opens up a dialogue that allows them to accept and trust one another. Being curious about your partner means being curious about their world and not just assuming you know who they are and what they want.

Ask open-ended questions and arrange activities that allow the two of you to spend time talking. Hiking and cooking classes are two great ways to spend time getting close organically, but you can also just spend time talking at home where the two of you are most comfortable. Learning to be curious about ourselves and the people that matter not only cultivates intimacy, it helps us avoid conflict too. A valuable tool in the age of the Facebook comment section.

Putting it all together…

Fear of intimacy is common, but it’s one of the hardest hurdles we can overcome. Past experiences and the failures of our caregivers can make it hard for us to get close to others, but these intimate relationships are what give our life color. By learning how to love other people, we can often learn to love ourselves, but that’s impossible to do when you don’t know how to open up. The first step in overcoming intimacy issues is understanding where the issue stems from and coming up with concrete steps to overcome those past traumas.

Our fears relating to intimacy stem from a lot of places, but it takes courage and commitment to uncover those hurts and open up about them to our loved ones and even ourselves. Getting past the fear of being vulnerable is difficult. It takes a long time to undo the hurts of our pasts and realize that it’s okay to let people in. We can remain vulnerable in our love while remaining strong but maintaining that integrity means finding new ways to picture our old wounds. Start opening up to others by opening up to yourself. There’s a beautiful person in there waiting to be loved, but you have to be brave enough to let her out.