Dealing with disillusionment in your relationship
Here’s what to do when the honeymoon is over…
by: E.B. Johnson
When we’re basking in the hazy glow of a newly formed romance, it can be hard to imagine that our partner (and our budding relationships) are anything less than perfect. As time goes on, however, that perspective shifts and we start to see the little flaws in not only the other person, but in ourselves as well. In order to avoid the disillusionment that destroys so many other relationships — we have to get real about making things special again.
By getting creative and reaching deep into the better parts of our understanding, we can reconnect with that passion that once bound us together with our partners so tightly. When we learn how to re-open the channels of communication, and re-engage with the passion and the spark, we can find our way back to each other. It’s a journey that requires both of us to dig deep, and look for the things that can bring us back to love.
The honeymoon comes to a shattering end.
As the last rays of the honeymoon phase come to an end, and the world-shattering realities of building a life with another person comes into view — it can be easy to become disillusioned or disappointed with your partner and your relationship. In the early days of courtship, we’re only able to see the good in our partners and we only share the best of ourselves. Everything is roses…until one day it’s not.
Our relationships have a profound impact on our beliefs and the way we see ourselves in the world around us. Through our relationships, we learn how to better connect with people, and we learn how to be vulnerable; opening up in new and special ways that can make it hard to stomach the rejection that inherently comes along with a break up.
Partnerships can form a cornerstone of our lives, and when they falter it can cause us to flounder and struggle on a number of different planes. The fading of a long-standing or deeply important love, can cause us to lose an imperative sense of who we are and — without that — we can become lost and trapped in a number of negative patterns that keep us stuck, scared and unhappy. We have to face the disillusionment if we want to save our relationships, but that’s requires us to cultivate the necessary understanding.
How we become disillusioned in one another.
When our relationships start to stutter and break down, there are usually a number of contributing factors. Life gets busy as we add in the pressures of family and our professional lives, and it’s easy to lose sight of our partner and the romance we once shared. More often than not, our disillusionment stems from disappointed expectations — but there are other factors too. When we know them, we can stop them, but that takes some radical introspection.
Investing in mythology
When we invest deeply in all the various mythology surrounding marriage, it can lead to a serious letdown and life-shattering disappointment.Many of us have been raised to view marriage as a magical thing, with mystical properties that can heal us and erase all ills — just as it does in the storybooks. The nitty-gritty truth, however, is that relationships are messy, uncomfortable and they take a lot of work. Balancing the needs of two people is never easy, and there’s nothing magical about it. It takes conscious effort from all involved.
Definitions of happiness
Everyone has a different vision of happiness, but true happiness can only be achieved when it’s generated from within. When we move through life, base our happiness on the people in our lives, we quickly find ourselves disappointed, letdown and looking for answers where previously there was only hope. Defining our happiness comes down to doing it internally, but when we rely on our partners to make us happy…we’re always heading for heartbreak.
Over-relying on others
Relying on others is an art form, and one that can take a long time to master. It is impossible to exist in this life without the support of others. As humans, we are social animals, and we rely on our social interactions to provide things like confidence, fulfillment and perspective. Coming to place too much reliance on others, though (e.g. expecting them to meet all of your physical and emotional needs) is also a recipe for disaster, and a sure-fire way to become disillusioned.
Loss of individual identity
Our individual identity is a crucial part of who we are, and it figures into everything from our values to the way we make decisions. We thrive when we know who we are and what we want, but that becomes lost when we merge our identity with our partner’s or insist on basing our identity off of theirs. Truly happy and balanced relationships occur when two equal parties come to the table and combined their individual identities to grow.
Constant comparisons
When you spend all your time comparing your relationship or your partner to others you deem more “successful” — you’re going to end up disillusioned and disappointed. Though we may be able to look to the journey of others for inspiration, ultimately, every relationship and every situation is different. If we truly want to be happy and secure within our relationships, we have to let go of any need to compare it to others around us.
Insisting on perfection
Insisting on creating a perfect relationship is a fruitless battle, and oone that always leads to disappointment. No matter what you might have been led to believe, or what narrative society might feed you, no relationship is perfect. When you insist on creating a “perfect” relationship, you’ll only find yourself working overtime, while sacrificing yourself and your sanity in the process. Setting expectations too high, and pushing your partner further and further away.
Signs you’re experiencing disillusionment in your relationship.
Relationships don’t magically evaporate one day; they wear down over time. If you’ve noticed increased conflict or the constant pursuit of greener pastures, it might be a sign you’ve become disillusioned with your partner or the partnership as a whole. There are other more subtle signs too, however, and we have to be able to identify if we’re truly seeking unity again.
Relationship breakdown
The biggest and most dangerous sign that you’re both struggling with disillusioonment is the total collapse of your relationship. If conflict is at an all-time high and compromise is at an all-time low, it’s often because you’ve both thrown in the towel and given up on what you’ve created. This often begins with small communication breakdowns and massive misunderstandings, leading to blowups, tears and a total collapse in the way you both function as a couple.
Considering greener pastures
Considering greener pastures? It might be a sign that you’ve lost sight of the love that you share with your partner. Looking outwardly for what you consider to be “better” options means you’re no longer considering the partner you have as the best one. This indicates feelings of disappointment, and can even indicate certain frustrations or tensions within the relationship that need to be addressed and resolved.
Resentment building
When we feel as though our partner has disappointed us, or somehow let us down, it can lead to feelings of resentment that eat away at our happiness and our willingness to compromise. The longer these feelings go unaddressed, the more damage they can cause. If you find that you’re harboring deep-seated feelings of anger and resentment toward your partner, it’s critical to ask yourself why. Disillusionment can be supremely toxic, and that’s especially true when it’s coupled with any sort of anger.
Imagining the worst
Constantly imagining the worst of your relationship or your partner isn’t healthy, and it isn’t normal. More often than not, we come to believe our relationships are the worst because we’re fixated on a fantasy vision of perfection we’ve built up in our heads. If you always expect the worst of your partner, or you think that your relationship is the worst (and ruined far beyond the norm), then it means you’re not seeing eye to eye and not seeing one another for who you really are.
How to come back from relationship disillusionment.
We can come back from the brink of disillusionment, but it takes committing to a process that can be — at times — scary and uncertain. In order to reconnect with our partners, we have to reconnect with that spark of passion that once drew us to them. Something which only comes with gratitude, creativity and committing to the vision you are both trying to create.
1. Start being grateful
More often than not, our feelings of disillusionment begin to set in when we lose sight of appreciating our partner for the strengths and benefits they bring to the relationship. Every person on this planet has their own set of core values and belief that can add contrast and perspective beside our own. When you spend a great deal of time with one person, and experience the same facets of their personality day after day you can lose sight of what makes them special. If we want to stay connected we have to tap into our gratitude and remember what drew us into our loved one in the first place.
Stop taking your partner for granted, and start cultivating a culture of gratitude in your relationship. Remind yourself of all the benefits your partner brings to your life. Sit down, on your own, and make a list of all the positive aspects of your relationships and your other half. Start with the small stuff and work your way up. Don’t forget to consider intangible things like, “Listens to me after I have a bad day at work.”
The less gratitude we show toward our partner, the more they are likely to feel under-appreciated or resentful, and the more like they are to pull away from you physically and emotionally. Many relationships end up on the rocks because one or more partners don’t feel as though they are being listened to and respected at an equal level with their loved one. We all just want to be seen, and we all want to feel as though we make some sort of a positive impact on the lives of the people that matter most to us. Show your partner that you appreciate who they are and what they do, and you’ll find yourselves reconnecting in transformative ways.
2. Learn how to talk and listen
Partners who have become disillusioned often find themselves drifting apart and building a wall of silence that both intimidates and destroys. Afraid of conflict, but disappointed by their partners actions or decisions, many of us will shut-down altogether and fail to open up, or to listen to our partners when they express their own disappointments.
If we truly want to reconnect with our partners and find our way back to happy and balanced relationships, we have to learn not only how to start talking to one another again, but we must also learn how to listen. Each one of us just wants our partner to know who we are and how we feel, and we want to be able to share ourselves with them without fear.
Create safe spaces in which your partner can express themselves without fear or retaliation, denial or trivialization. The more you encourage them to open up to you, the more you will encourage them to do the same. Over time, by also engaging our ability to listen actively, we can create a relationship that is open and honest, and one in which we can bond over truer aspects of our authentic selves.
3. Accept all of who they are
A critical part of every successful relationship is radical acceptance. Acceptance is something that begins within, and it is something that comes without limits and exceptions. When we accept someone, we accept all of them, and that means the bad parts and the parts that aren’t quite what we want. If you want to lose the disillusionment, be honest with your partner and be honest with yourself. Accept them and everything they are from the bottom up.
Find a quiet place where you can be alone (and uninterrupted) and bring your journal with you. Get still, and quieten your mind. Imagine your partner. Now, make a list of all the things you love about them, and all the things you hate. Next, read through the list of positives and really dwell in the emotions they inspire. Those feelings to hand — it’s time to move on to the negative.
Consider each one of your partner’s negative traits (or things you don’t like about them) and then weigh them against the positives and the way they make you feel. Are the negatives enough to outweight the positives? Are they enough to make you walk away and turn your back completely? If the answer is no, then that means there’s a pathway for you to find the silver lining. Perhaps that means spinning negative behaviors into positives, or finding the resilience to address those issues with your partner and work through them.
4. Get physical again
Physical intimacy is an important part of our romantic relationships, and one of that factors that separates them from our plutonic relationships. This type of intimacy allows us both to open up and connect with our partners on much deeper and more vulnerable plains. Physical intimacy is not just engaging in the act of love-making, however. It’s so much more than that. And when we realize the full extent of physical connection, it can add so much more to our relationships.
Affectionate touch brings great benefits to our partnerships, and it’s a critical part of our sense of connectedness and security. When we’re feeling separated from our partner, but unable to explain why, it often has something to do with the fact that we’re no longer showing our affection for one another through hugs, handholding, etc. Physical intimacy is important, but you can miss out on that fact until it’s too late altogether.
Make a conscious effort to get physically closer to your partner. You don’t have to engage in big, grotesque displays of affection, but you should strive to show your partner that you love them physically (without worrying about prying eyes or wandering mouths). Love pats, kisses, and spontaneous embraces are a great place to start, and are a relatively safe way to physically express how much you’re attacted to your partner. The more willingness you show to bridge the gap that’s dividing you, the more they’ll do the same.
5. Communicate unconditional love
Communicating unconditional love can be a bit tricky if you’re someone who’s never experienced it before. We show our love through actions as well as words. Simply accepting someone as they are is not enough. When our relationships are failing, it’s also necessary to communicate how deep our love runs; and it’s also critical that we let them know that there’s no limits to the depths of our acceptance.
Don’t just tell your partner that you acccept them. Don’t just show by not reacting. Get proactive about proving how much you care…especially if things are on the rocks. Demonstrate how much you accept your partner by also accepting their family and friends. Include the people that are important to them in your life. Let your actions speak as deeply as any feelings you might have.
When we put action to our emotions, we give them power to move our partners too. Putting action behind your love is like manifesting it through magic — giving it legs to walk around, and a mission to fulfill. We humanize ourselves and our partners when we actively love, and when we actively love our partners and the fullness of who they are. Don’t put limits on your love by limiting your partner. Encourage them to bloom and watch your own love bloom with all their strange and unique weirdness.
6. Make things special again
Relationships take hard work, and sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of each other when the chaos of daily life gets in the way. We have to look after our jobs, our families and all the million other personal and professional responsibilities that we have. Our romantic relationships can often be the first things caught in the crossfire when it comes to sacrificing portions of our life to make it all happen. If we want to reconnect — truly — we have to make things special again.
Focus on reinvigorating that spark in your relationship by getting back into the exciting flow of your early courtship. Get to know your partner all over again. Ask about their interests, find out what makes them tick, and figure out their goals and their dreams. Peel back the layers on the person that your partner has become, and experience the process of falling in love just like you did back then.
You don’t have to go over the top or splurge on that bank-breaking holiday. Courting your other half can be as simple as a quiet night in and a homemade dinner, or a night crafting in front of your favorite films. Pursue the things that make you feel closer, and the things that encourage you to open up and explore one another. The more you focus on bringing the “special” exciting feelings back to your relationship, the closer you will feel to one another and the less disillusioned. Remember, we all change over time. Who your partner was yesterday is not who they are today. Get to know them in the now.
7. Compromise more often
Compromise is one of the most powerful tools we have in our relationship toolbox, but it’s often one of the hardest for us to utilize. Truly compromising can mean — at times — giving up on the things you want, or the points you want to make. It’s choosing battles and, sometimes, choosing the happiness of your partner over your own need to be in control.
If you and your partner have become disillusioned with one another and find yourselves fighting all the time, try to focus on compromising more often and finding the middle ground. Express yourself, express your desires, and then make room for them to express their own. From there, lean into each other and prioritize what you really need and what you really don’t. When you both agree to drop your lowest priorities…that’s often where the compromise is found.
Apologize when you’re wrong, and (sometimes) even when you aren’t. Learn how to pick your battles, and learn when giving in is more beneficial for all involved (e.g. letting them pick where you go to dinner). Sometimes, compromise is coming together to create a mutual agreement; sometimes it’s giving in for the sake of peace and a longterm vision. Learn how to separate the two, and learn how to communicate openly enough that the two of you can find a middle ground to begin with. The more you communicate openly, the more effective the process is.
8. Be more generous with yourself
Life is stressful, and it’s not getting any easier as our lives become more complicated and politicized. It takes a lot just to get through the day on your own, and — often — it doesn’t leave any time for the other person in the equation. When we’re disillusioned with our partners, it’s often because we have become disillusioned with ourselves, and stingy with offerings of our time and authentic presence.
Start being more generous with yourself, both within and without. Internally, this might take the form of of being more attentive and compassionate — but with your partner it might look more like committing time, energy and small actions of love that reaffirm your commitment to them.
Being more generous to your partner is not just about money, or physical gifts; it’s about engaging with them and their lives, and being present for them when it matters most. Compliment them often, and remind them why you want to share this journey in life with them. The more you do this, the more you will be able to open up to your partner and connect with them on a deeply meaningful level. The more you do this, the more you’ll move away from disillusionment and back into happiness and security.
Putting it all together…
Relationships are nuanced and dynamic, which can make them hard to navigate as we simultaneously navigate the waters of modern life. As time goes on, we lose sight of the passion that once connected us with our partner. Little disappointments add up and — before you know it — you’re disillusioned and looking for a way out. Before you detonate your relationship, however, it’s worth seeing if that spark still exists. We have to recharge our relationships to get the answer.
If you want to bring your relationship back from the brink of disillusionment, then start with cultivating gratitude for both your partner and your partnership. Open up to them and encourage them to open up to you. Communication is key in any relationship, so learn how to talk and learn how to listen actively. Only when we accept our partners for what they are and what they are not can we start to overcome the disillusionment that’s often caused of the inevitable dissapointments of reality. Accept your partner for who they are, and communicate your unconditional love for them through actions combined with your words. To say we love someome unconditionally isone thing. To demonstrate it through our actions daily is another. Chase that spark and re-invigorate your relationship by making it special again and getting generous with both yourself and the appreciation you show for your spouse or loved one.
