Resolve your relationship conflicts with these powerful techniques
If you’re fighting with your spouse or partner, try these techniques to resolve your dispute once and for all.
by: E.B. Johnson
If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, then you know that disagreements and fights are inevitable. It’s impossible to get along with someone you share so much with 100% of the time. The real trick is how you resolve these issues when they arise — a skill that’s more of an artform than anything else.
Whether the spats you have with a spouse or partner are big or small, they can cause some real problems when they aren’t addressed properly. By learning how to deal with these conflicts constructively when they arise, you can ensure romantic happiness for years and years to come.
The most common causes of romantic conflict.
Resolution starts by identifying the causes of the problems in your relationship. Coming face to face with these love demons isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary to get to the root of what’s going wrong between the two of you. Think of it a bit like sore: the bad stuff’s got to come out sooner or later.
You can start dealing with your relationship problems only when you know what they are. Every relationship experiences struggles at some point, but there are some pretty common causes behind most romantic breakdowns.
If you and your partner are struggling to get along, odds are one of these causes is at play:
Codependency
Codependency is one of the most common causes of relationship conflicts. When there’s codependency problem in the mix, both partners become reliant on the other in unhealthy ways. Codependent partners feed each other’s sicknesses and enable each other’s unhealthy patterns of living; it’s a toxic and heady brew that leaves people stuck and miserable for years.
Indifference
When relationships have lasted many years, it can sometimes result in one or both partners becoming indifferent to the other. That means the partner loses interest and is no longer concerned with putting in the time it takes to maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Indifference can often be triggered by trauma, like the death of a child, or can just occur as a result of long-term neglect.
Unaddressed emotional and mental health issues
Leaving our emotional and mental health needs on the back burner can lead to some serious problems in our romantic relationships. When we can’t take care of our own needs, we can’t see to the needs of our partner and that makes for an empty and one-sided relationship.
Infidelity
Whether it’s emotional or physical infidelity, this is one of the surest forms of relationship conflict and breakdown. Emotional disconnection usually drives such an action, but the result is always the same: arguments galore and a loss of trust. Hardly worth it if you’re in it for the long-haul.
Family issues
If one partner is dealing with overbearing parents or drug-addicted siblings, it can be hard to focus on the relationship and the needs of their partner. Family issues can really get in the way of our romantic relationships and cause problems where we least expect them. Fights over family issues are common, but honesty about how they’re affecting us…not so much.
Addiction
Addiction comes in all shapes and sizes. You can be addicted to drugs, to alcohol, to technology, to gambling, to porn. There’s nothing you can’t be addicted to these days and there’s no end to the damage those addictions can inflict on your love-ties.
When a relationship is worth saving and when it isn’t.
Some relationships are worth saving. Some aren’t. If you and your partner have hit the rocks, there are a few questions you can ask yourself to decide whether or not the partnership is still worth saving:
Do we still enjoy spending time together? Do we have the same core values and beliefs? Can I trust them? Am I free to be myself with this person? Is there a mutual respect that is shared between us both? Do they support the goals that have been set? Are you both equally invested in the relationship?
If you answered no to one or more of these questions, chances are it’s time to consider a change. If you’re still unsure, however, there are some definite ways to tell whether or not your romance is worth rescuing.
Signs a relationship is worth saving.
If your relationship is solid (just a bit bent and bruised here and there) read these signs as a signal it’s worth saving.
- You can’t even imagine the thought of leaving — This isn’t really the most solid of indicators, but being unable to imagine your life without the other person could be a sign that things are fixable.
- You’re mad about the wrong things — If the two of you can sit down and get to the root of your problems you’ll more than likely find that you’re not even upset about the same things. Everything comes down to perspective and we all have different perspectives no matter how long we’ve been together.
- You still enjoy spending time together — Even if you are arguing more often, enjoying the time you share with your partner is a good sign.
- Your problems aren’t relationship related — If the things that are causing conflict in your relationship don’t actually have to do with the relationship, it’s a sign that things will get better as circumstances improve.
- Breaking up only ever comes up when you’re angry — Thinking of ending things only when you’re angry gives credence to the idea that you don’t really mean it at all. Otherwise, if you really wanted things to end, it would come up in the quiet moments too — not just in the heat of the fight or conflict.
Signs a relationship is NOT worth saving.
Dragging out a relationship that isn’t serving you is toxic and self-defeating. Know the signs of when it’s time to go and don’t linger longer than you have to.
- Abuse — Abuse by a partner — be it emotional, physical or otherwise — is unacceptable and the number one sign that a relationship is not worth saving. If have found yourself in an abusive relationship, find your way out by reaching out to someone experienced or someone you can trust.
- You can’t (or don’t want to) communicate anymore — Feeling detached from your partner can cause a severance in communications that is impossible to come back from. If communications in your relationship have completely broken down, it’s time to move on. There’s no moving forward without being able to talk honestly and openly.
- Feeling lonely even when you’re together — If you’re crying yourself to sleep even when you’re laying next to the one you supposedly love, chances are it is time to let things go.
- A lack of mutual respect — Without respect, there can be no healthy relationship. Respect comes alongside ideas, needs, battles and struggles. It is the foundation of love and the way we make that love last across the decades. If you do not respect your partner you cannot love partner. If the respect is gone, the love is too.
The 10 Best Ways to Resolve Relationship Conflicts
Fighting with your partner isn’t all bad. It can actually be a sign that you’re a normal and healthy couple. The real issues come down to how you handle conflicts with your partner and the way you resolve them when things get nastier than you expected.
Getting to the bottom of a blowout isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary. If you’ve found yourself in the middle of an argument with someone you love, try using these techniques to come to a resolution you both can stomach.
1. Get frank.
Being open and honest about our feelings is hard, especially when those feelings are uncomfortable or negative in nature. It’s hard for people to just come out and say what they think, but it’s a necessary part of any healthy relationship.
Expressing ourselves indirectly or burying our hurts deep below the surface are not constructive and only give our partners an unclear idea of how to respond. If your spouse or other-half has heart you or upset you, tell them so, and tell them exactly how it’s made you feel in no uncertain terms.
2. Learn how to discuss without blaming.
It’s one thing to tell our partner how we feel, it’s another to dive into an all-out blame festival. Learn how to discuss your disagreements without blaming one another.
Making statements that directly assault your partner’s character are damaging to a relationship and counter-productive to finding solutions. Let them know, instead, how their behaviors made you feel and focus on descriptions rather than the specific behaviors your partner engaged in.
3. Pick your battles wisely.
Constructive discussion is all about choosing your battles wisely. Stick to one issue at a time and stop dragging multiple topics into one discussion. Unhappy couples are the ones that insist on bringing the kitchen sink into every argument. Don’t be one of those couples.
4. Try checking out a different perspective.
When it comes to resolving disagreements, you can’t just listen to your partner, you have to really try and understand where they’re coming from.
Research has actually shown that taking a more objective perspective is helpful when it comes to resolving romantic disagreements. In one study, researchers staged a simple marital quality intervention and asked partners to write about a specific disagreement they had with their partners.
In this description, they were asked to take the perspective of a neutral third party as they described the event. The couples that engaged in this writing exercise three times a year were shown to maintain more stable levels of marital satisfaction than those who did not.¹
5. Practice mindful listening.
There’s nothing more frustrating than feeling as though your partner is not listening to you. If you find yourself in the middle of a disagreement with a partner, don’t check out; listen to them mindfully, openly and willingly.
Show your partner that you’re paying attention by using active listening techniques. When they speak, paraphrase what they’ve said back to them and offer up solutions or observations when they invite you to do so.
You can also do a perception check by making sure that you’re getting everything they’re saying correct. Ask them questions that clarify the points they’re making and make sure that you understand the array of emotions they might be showing. These strategies not only help you prevent misunderstandings — they show the other person that you actually care.
6. Set boundaries.
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and that respect starts with limitations and boundaries. Our boundaries are a direct show of our self-worth, and setting them takes resolves and courage.
Avoid conflicts that push you both to the brink by setting your boundaries clearly and early on in the relationship. Make it safe for your partner to set boundaries as well and make sure they’re respected at all times (especially in the heat of an argument or disagreement).
7. Keep your explanations simple and give your partner a chance to respond.
When you’re getting your issues out on the table, don’t dump your entire purse at once. Instead, put your explanations in the simplest of terms and give your partner a chance to respond. Don’t let things smoulder or force your partner to guess, honesty is the best policy so just get your truth out there in it’s purest and rawest form.
8. Don’t show contempt.
The worst thing you can do in the heat of an argument with your partner is show contempt for them. This happens when we make little remarks that belittle our partner or hit them below the belt. It’s a nasty way to settle things and a sure-fire way to make things worse.
Avoid the sarcasm and name-calling and opt for a more adult confrontation instead. While it might feel good (and you might feel justified) going in for a no-holes-barred, winner-takes-all knockout battle, you’re only causing yourself more headache.
The most important thing is to see your partners hurt and have yours seen in return. That’s not possible if you’re both hiding behind nasty words and a dinged up sense of pride that’s more important than your relationship.
9. Know when it’s time to take a break.
Not all conflicts can be solved in one sitting. Sometimes, it’s necessary for us to take a breath and take a step back, taking the time we need to gather our thoughts and compose ourselves.
If you and someone you love have found yourselves in a really nasty argument, don’t be afraid to hit pause and come back to things when you’re both more emotionally stable and ready to communicate.
10. Don’t let the negativity take control.
When bad behavior is the root of a relationship issue, it can be hard to take the high road, but you have to keep the negativity from taking control if you want to make things last.
Responding to bad behavior with more bad behavior will only compound issues and make them worse. When we respond to spite with spite, we end up with a nasty quagmire that can take down our personal and professional lives with them. Rather than letting the nastiness ramp up, keep it to a minimum and always try to respond to negativity with positivity.
Putting it all together…
Relationships are are beautiful and give our life meaning, but they can also be difficult and fraught with challenges that are hard to manage. When adversity rears its ugly head in your relationship, learn to know the signs of what’s worth saving and what’s worth abandoning.
If you have a relationship that’s worth rescuing, be grateful, and remember to approach your loved one with the same honor and respect that you yourself deserve. Confrontation is never easy, but by approaching your loved one with a calm and centered directness you can both find the resolutions you need to relieve your hurts and get back on track again.
1. Finkel, E. J., Slotter, E. B., Luchies, L. B., Walton, G. M., & Gross, J. J. (2013). A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time. Psychological Science, 24, 1595–1601.
