avatarE.B. Johnson

Summary

The web content discusses the importance of letting go of anger toward parents to heal from childhood trauma and abuse, emphasizing understanding and compassion as key components of the healing process.

Abstract

The article delves into the complex dynamics of parent-child relationships and the profound impact that parental neglect, criticism, lack of support, abuse, and impossible expectations can have on a child's development into adulthood. It outlines the various forms of childhood trauma, including physical and emotional neglect, overly-critical environments, lack of support, and various types of abuse, and how these experiences can lead to long-term psychological issues, self-destructive behaviors, and toxic cycles that perpetuate generational trauma. The author provides strategies for adults to address and release their anger, such as acknowledging the pain, confronting the issues with parents, setting personal boundaries, and cultivating self-love, ultimately aiming for personal freedom and happiness.

Opinions

  • The author suggests that the sacred bond between parents and children can be a source of deep emotional wounding if betrayed, leading to lasting psychological effects.
  • It is conveyed that carrying childhood pain into adulthood can result in self-destructive patterns, depression, suicidal ideations, insecurities, emotional unavailability, and the repetition of toxic cycles in one's own family.
  • The article posits that acknowledging and understanding the root causes of one's anger towards parents is a crucial first step in the healing process.
  • Direct communication with parents about past grievances is recommended, not necessarily for an apology but for personal closure and validation of one's own experiences.
  • Setting concrete boundaries is emphasized as a way for adults to protect their wellbeing and maintain inner peace, especially when dealing with damaging parental relationships.
  • Self-love is highlighted as an essential component in overcoming the pain of a difficult childhood, as it allows individuals to forgive themselves and move forward with their lives.
  • The author believes that healing from childhood trauma is challenging but achievable through self-compassion and the establishment of healthy personal boundaries.

Letting go of the anger you harbor toward your parents

In order to heal, we have to let go of our anger and our attachment to the past and the mistakes of our parents.

Photo by Katherine Chase on Unsplash

by: E.B. Johnson

The relationships held between parents and their children is a sacred one, and the formative pieces on which we base our core beliefs about life. The bonds with share with our parents are special, but when those bonds are betrayed, or we are injured beyond repair by the ones who claim to love us “above all else” — it can be hard to let go of the anger that nests deep down in your soul; a critical part of the healing process.

Damaging and toxic relationships between our parents and ourselves can cause deep emotional wounding that takes years of hard work and understanding to overcome. When the connection we share with one or more of our perceived caretakers is muddied by feelings of hurt and resentment, the psychological weight can cause damage to your life for years and decades to come. Healing from parental injury is hard, but necessary. If you want to let go of your anger and find happiness again, you have to start with compassion, and you have to start with understanding.

Why we’re so angry with our parents.

There are a number of ways in which our parents can psychologically wound or scar us, all of them resulting in deep-seated pain that can cause serious problems in our adolescent and adult lives. Everything from physical and emotional abuse to a lack of attention or connection can cause issues that are hard to overcome. When it comes to pain, anger and hurt — there’s no one-size-fits all example. The failures of a parent can come in many, many forms.

Physical and emotional neglect

It’s truly shocking, the variety of means by which our parents can physically and emotionally neglect us. Examples can include failing to provide safe and adequate food, clothing and shelter, or even providing adequate medical and educational care to their child when it’s needed. Likewise, withholding critical nurturing and affection from a child can cause serious and lasting consequences that can follow that child for years to come.

Overly-critical

Growing up in an overly-critical household can lead to children with lower self-esteem and poorer behavior than those kids who grow up in home without heavy criticism. When a child is constantly harped or picked-on by a caretaker in the home, it can teach them to bully others and themselves, leading to adults who ruminate, internalize and abuse (both themselves and others).

Lack of support

Feeling as though you are never supported by the people who are supposed to love you most can lead to seriously toxic internalizations. Those who come to adulthood in homes that show little to no support for their dreams and ambitions often find themselves in pursuit of hazardous or unfulfilling relationships and professional careers — a result of chasing the approval and dreams of those who could care less.

Physical, mental and sexual abuse

Childhood victims of physical, mental and sexual abuse grow up to struggle with debilitating issues that impact everything from their self-esteem and self-worth to personal and professional relationships. Abuse — no matter what form it takes — is one of the most common causes of psychological and mental issues in adults, and is one of the most common causes of internalized pain and anger. If you were the victim of physical, mental or sexual abuse at the hands of your parents, it is often necessary to speak with a mental health professional in order to resolve those feelings and release that anger.

Impossible expectations

Being crushed beneath the weight of impossible expectations can cause you to harbor deep feelings of anger or resentment toward your parents. Even if the pressure exerted by them came with the best of intentions, being held to impossible standard can cause your self-esteem to implode and lead to skewed perceptions of self and success. In order to break free of the limitations set by impossible expectations, we have to let go of our anger and learn to find our own path to happiness and fulfillment.

Scapegoating

In the chaotic or abusive family, it is often easiest to scapegoat the most emotionally vulnerable child — pinpointing them as the “problematic child” even though most (if not all) of their problematic behaviors will be little more than a reaction to the abuse they are struggling to survive. Scapegoated children internalize the blame of their parents and can develop self-destructive behaviors that help to confirm the worst predictions of their abusive caretakers.

How does this deeply buried anger and resentment affect us as adults?

Carrying the pain of childhood into adulthood is a dangerous and heady brew that can lead to self-destructive patterns and toxic beliefs that undermine and destroy our relationships and general wellbeing. Whether consciously or unconsciously the anger we harbor for our parents haunts us in shocking and surprising ways. To truly heal, we have to open our eyes and accept our reality for what it is.

Constant rumination

Damaged adults have a hard time moving on, and can often cling to their past as they seek to stumble through the future. Failure to move on from the past leaves us chained to behaviors, attitudes and beliefs that no longer suit us; undermining our most important relationships and making it impossible to reach our full potential. The negative experiences of our past are all-absorbing, but it’s important to stop the rumination before it takes over our present.

Feeling depressed or suicidal

No matter how much they achieve in their adult life, the adult who harbors deep-seated rage directed at their parents will always struggle with feelings of depression or suicidal ideations. This often occurs because of skewed perceptions of self, as well as a failure to fulfill the personal needs that keep you at peace, happy and feeling motivated.

A jungle of insecurities

The adult that is unable to let go of their childhood pain, rage and trauma will often find themselves the victims of their own jumbled up insecurities. These insecurities can cause us to believe that we don’t deserve to be loved or nurtured, and they can also send us into some pretty toxic and self-destructive behaviors. Insecurities lead us to sabotage important opportunities and pursue relationships that are dangerous and defeating. If you’re dealing with low feelings of self-worth, the root is often buried deep in your childhood emotions.

Emotional unavailabiliity

Emotional unavailability is one of the more common side effects of a damage parent-child relationship. The emotional unavailable person might engage in a lot of flattery, and they might use disclosure as a means of gaining trust and control — but they’re evasive when it comes time to put the cards down on the table and this comes down to their core belief that no one can be trusted with their vulnerability.

Repeating toxic cycles

Many of those who experience difficulty with their parents go on to create families of their own. The problem with this, however, is that when that childhood pain is unresolved, they can often end up repeating the same damaging behaviors with their own children — thus perpetuating a cycle of pain that goes on generation after generation.

How to let go of the anger you feel for a parent.

You don’t have to be chained forever by the shackles of your past. If you are someone who is struggling with anger or rage directed at a parent, it is possible to be free again with a little understanding and a big dose of compassion. Learn how to open up and release your anger by utilizing these simple strategies. While these is no one-size-fits-all solution to the pain you’re feeling, you can find your way to freedom again by letting go of the emotions that are making you bitter and pulling you down.

1. Begin with acknowledgement

The first step in overcoming any pain is first acknowledging that pain. Stop minimizing and stop trying to justify the pain you’re carrying around like a hot, burning stone. Start letting go of your pain by acknowledging it and getting to the root of why you feel the way you do.

Spend some time in a safe and quiet space getting familiar with your hurt and the emotions that arise off the back of the pain you experienced at the hands of your caretakers. Let your feelings come to you as you are, and try to reconcile yourself to the relationship you have with your parent now versus the one you wish you had during childhood. Those days are no more, but better days can be had in future if you just start acknowledging what you actually need.

Consider the full breadth of your past, and consider the full scope of your parents’ as well. Consider the fact that their behavior may be little more than a generational perpetuation, or a passing on of their own trauma experienced at the hands of someone they once trusted and loved. Share your story — and your anger — with people you can trust and don’t shy away from the gory details. If you want to be free, you have to start with acceptance; a step that takes courage and the acknowledgement of hard things and hard feelings.

2. Get down to root of the problem

It’s not easy to talk to our parents about the aspects of our childhood that caused pain, but it’s necessary in order to remove the roadblocks we set for ourselves and those around us. Lingering emotional pain can leave us isolated and feeling as though we’re stuck in a time and place which kills a piece of us each day. If you want to open the door to your future, you have to start having the hard conversations and address (with your parents) the issues that continue to cause you pain.

These conversations are some of the most powerful and healing conversations we can have as adults and as children of adults. Wait for the ideal moment and address your issues candidly — and with compassion — in a space and a time that feels comfortable to you. Don’t get defensive, and don’t play a blame game. Simply state how you’re feeling and what led you to feel (or believe) that way.

For some parents, this conversation is not possible. Some will always deny or defend. The point is not for you to get an apology. The point of this conversation is strictly for you to get the closure that you need by bringing to light (thus making real) the issues and the pain that you are experiencing. Until that anger and that pain is vocalized, neither party can be sure it exists and neither party can address it. Though justice may never be acquired, the truth can be; your truth. Give it to them, whether they want it or not.

3. Set concrete boundaries

As children and adolescents it’s not easy or always possible to escape or defend yourself against abusive or damaging parents. As an adult, however, it is possible to cut yourself free from these bonds and set assertive boundaries that allow you to heal and maintain your inner peace and wellbeing.

Though it will feel foreign and uncomfortable at first, it is possible to create the space you need to begin setting boundaries as an adult. Find a way to tell them that you will (from this moment forward) always be treated with respect, and that they no longer have the power to influence the decisions you make or the life that you choose to lead.

The most important part of setting any boundary line is making sure it is one that meets your needs and your needs alone. Boundaries are not for the benefit of others, they are for the benefit of ourselves, and one of the main ways by which we create the lives that give us fulflilment. Believe in yourself and your ability to stand on your own. No one has the right or the ability to define your life or your happiness but you.

4. Start falling in love with yourself

As children, we have an almost god-like sense of awe, love and respect for our parents. We see them as omnipotent beings, the sole reason for our survival and existence — but when those feelings extend past childhood we often forget to extend that same love and respect to ourselves.

No matter what happened in your past, or what is happening in this current moment, it’s all moot if you can’t love yourself for who and what you are. In order to find happiness, you have to find a way to love yourself — the good and the bad — and you have to find a way to forgive yourself for the missteps and mistakes that led you to where you are today.

While the influences of our parents can have a deep and lasting impact on who we are and how we flourish, the only one that can choose whether we actually sink or swim at the end of the day is ourselves. You’re a survivor just for being here today, that alone makes you worthy of the love and respect that you shower on parents who aren’t deserving of it. Open up your heart and let go of their baggage. It doesn’t suit you, and it’s dragging you down. Rather than waiting on the love of others, learn how to love yourself. After all, you’ll know better than anyone else just what that love needs to look like.

Putting it all together…

Letting go of the pain caused by neglectful, dismissive or abusive parents or caretakers isn’t easy, but it is necessary in order to find our health and happiness again. If you grew up in a home in which love came in the form of impossible expectations, harsh criticism or physical, mental or sexual abuse, then you have to find a new way forward for you and for you alone; and that starts with letting go of the anger that’s weighing you down.

Learn how to spot the effects of a damaged parental relationship in your life and start acknowledging how those shortcomings make you feel. Get down to the issues with the root of the problem, and open up to your parens (if possible) or someone trusted (if not). While resolution is not always possible, release is, and we can protect ourselves in future by learning to set boundaries with our caretakers or those who echo their damaging and limiting behaviors. Above all, however, learn how to forgive yourself; for the years of pain, the years of hurt. Learn how to fall in love with yourself and accept the beautiful, incredible and strong soul your anger has kept buried all these years. They’re in there, just waiting to get out. The decision to be free, however, has to start with you.

Relationships
Parenting
Family
Self
Mental Health
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