Boost your self-esteem to improve the quality of your life
Increase your self-esteem and overcome your insecurities with these simple techniques.
by: E.B. Johnson
Our self-esteem is an important part of who we are and an important part of how we see ourselves within the world. It effects everything from how we think, to the kind of people we fall in love with. Too much self-esteem and you end up a narcissist. Too little, and you end up being a dangerously passive push-over. Our self-esteem is a critical piece of having a happy life, but it can be hard to maintain under the pressures of everyday life.
Boosting your confidence takes time. There are a number of ways you can start feeling better now, however, if you just extend a little compassion and understanding to yourself. If you’re feeling down in the dumps and rotten about who you are or where you’re at — don’t despair. You can be confident again, but it’s going to take some effort and a few tweaks in the way you think about yourself and your capabilities.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is goes by many names in our society. In the simplest terms, however, it’s used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth. It’s a measure of how much we like ourselves and how much we like our ability to achieve. It’s an appraisal our ourselves, and it involves a variety of beliefs encompassing everything from appearance to emotions and behaviors.
Self-esteem is typically seen as a personality trait, meaning that it is a more stable and enduring facet of who we are, and it’s something we start forming in the earliest days of our childhood. Those who grow up in compassionate and love environment are usually those who grow with healthy self-esteems, while those of us who expereinced otherwise…well…we aren’t usually so lucky. There are a lot of moving pieces when it comes down to our self-worth but it basically comes down to this: it’s how good or bad you feel about yourself, and it has a major impact on our lives.
Why is self-esteem so important?
Though it may not seem like it, the way we view ourselves plays a significant role in our motivations and successes throughout life. If you have low self-esteem, it will not only hold you back in your interpersonal relationships — it will also cause problems in your school or work. On the opposing end of the spectrum, an over-inflated sense of self will do the same thing.
Having healthy self-esteem offers a number of surprising benefits, as well as being a motivating factor that allows you to navigate life with a positive, assertive attitude. When you believe in yourself, you can more efficiently navigate and avoid conflict, and you can more accurately make decisions that offer the greatest benefit to you and your life goals.
Self-esteem is critical. It helps ups articulate ourselves better in arguments, accept new challenges and even boost our resilience to stress. Believing in your ability to do well makes it possible for you to see setbacks as oppotunities and even embrace change without a fear of uncertainty. Our sense of self is what allows us to move confidently in the direction of our dreams — no matter what those dreams may be.
External factors that influence our self-esteem.
There are a number of outside factors that can both positively and negatively affect our self-esteem. While the genetic factors that shape our personality most-certainly play a part, it is — more often than not — our experiences, as well as our age, illnesses and even physical impairments that form the basis of our sense of self.
Living and working in a mostly negative environment will contribute to a lowered self-esteem, while living in a more understanding environment will have the opposite effect. When considering self-confidence, it’s always important to consider the environment or setting in which that confidence is fluctuating. While we’re responsible for our own happiness and self-worth, the things we’re surrounded by play a big part too.
Subtle signs of low self-esteem.
For the purpose of this article, let’s focus on a low sense of self-esteem. The signs of low self-esteem aren’t always easy to spot, but it’s important to listen to these thoughts when they arise. If any of these signs sound like you then, chances are, you could feel better about yourself than you do in this moment — even if you don’t want to admit it.
Constant apologies
Some of us were raised with the bad habit of constantly apologizing for everything (especially those of us who are women), but a need to constantly apologize is actually a classic sign of low self-esteem. When you have low self-confidence, you struggle with a faulty perception of yourself. This causes you to have an inaccurate view of your worth, which then forces you to internalize *everything* as your fault.
An inability to choose
Analysis paralysis is often a sign of low self-esteem, because it comes as a result of not having enough faith in your ability to make the right decisions for your own life. People with low self-confidence have a hard time making even simple decisions, and the frequently change their minds, because of their deep-rooted self-doubt (which dictates everything they do and think).
Lies on lies on lies
When you struggle with a poor sense of self, it can make it hard to tell the truth — even in the most inconsequential of times. Lies might come as a result of wanting to keep the peace, or they might come on the back of wanting to be “liked” or a need to “fit in”. Pretending to be something you’re not is another way those with poor self-esteem lie to themselves and others, but that can be a hard thing to admit; even for the people watching on the outside.
A need for constant distractions
Find yourself constantly jumping to your phone the second you have a quiet moment? Ever been at a party or sitting around a dinner table and reached for your gadget the minutes there was a lull in the conversation? Poor social skills are often a sign of low self-esteem, according to The Self Esteem Institute.
Strange habits
Compulsive self-mutilation is one of the biggest warning signs of serious self-esteem problems. Those who struggle with feelings of worthiness might pick at scabs or bite their nails, or they might compulsively search their body for hairs to pluck. It’s a coping mechanism for unpleasant feelings and a common habit for those suffering from anxiety as well.
Avoidance issues
Difficulties fessing up to your feelings can be a sign that you’ve got a lower sense of self-worth than you should. If you feel like you’d rather die than confront your roommate about the dishes, or if you are constantly worried about avoiding the anger of the people around you — you might be dealing with some low self-esteem and an inability to speak your mind when it matters most.
An inability to take credit
Those who are unable to unwilling to take credit for their hard work are often the same people who struggle with severely low self-esteem. It doesn’t matter how big or small their achievements are, they’ll brush them off as luck or credit them to someone else. This occurs because the person doesn’t believe they are good enough to have achieved the thing they’ve already achieved; a self-defeating way of operating, no matter how you look at it.
The simplest ways to boost your self-esteem.
Low self-esteem is a self-defeating prophecy, but it’s a pattern that can be overcome when you understand what you’re looking for, and understand where you’re coming from. Boosting our sense of self-worth takes time, but it’s a relatively simple process with some relatively simple solutions. If you want to start feeling better about yourself today, start small, and start with these simple techniques.
1. Make a self-esteem inventory
The fact of the matter is that you can’t fix what you’re unfamiliar with. Before you can dig in and start making the changes you need to feel better about yourself, you have to spend a lot of time getting to know your insecurities or the irrational thoughts that make you think, “I’m worthless”.
Get out a piece of paper or your favorite journal. Draw a line down the middle and label one side “Strengths” and the other side “Weaknesses”. Then, take some time making a list of your greatest (and worst) hits. List 10 things you’re good at and 10 things you’re bad at. Even if it’s hard, make yourself list all 10 things and don’t be afraid to include the small things.
This technique is known as a “self-esteem inventory” and it’s an invaluable tool in the hunt for improved self-esteem. Not only does it list all the thing you already tell yourself, but it counters those negative points with a list of clear and concise examples of how awesome you are. Consider your weaknesses, but don’t expect to change them all over night. Instead, focus on improving your strengths and making them the cornerstone of all your activities.
2. Get to know yourself
Maybe you struggle with your self-esteem because you don’t really know who you are, inside and out. Take some time to get to know yourself and the things you do well and not so well. Find out what your passions are and find out what it is that you need from this life in order to thrive in authentic joy and happiness.
Having a solid sense of self-worth isn’t just about knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are. It’s also about opening up yourself to new opportunities, so that you have the ability to create the life you want. Self-esteem isn’t just about feeling good, it’s about taking charge of your destiny one day at a time.
3. Make a list of your accomplishments
Sit down and make a list of everything you’ve accomplished in your life — from childhood until this very moment. Think about everything you did right and everything you did well. Write them down in black and white so you can see just how awesome you really are. Keep it somewhere special and refer to it any time you’re feeling down or feeling as though you can’t do something that you can.
4. Stop the comparisons
We live in a highly toxic social media age in which social comparison is more hyper-focused than ever. Nothing will destroy your self-esteem faster than comparing yourself to the Joe Bob on Facebook with the perfect body and 400K followers.
You have to stop comparing yourself to others and you have to stop doing it before you can build any kind of meaningful sense of self-worth. Become aware of how and when you compare yourself, and stop the thoughts before they start.
Whenever that negativity rears it’s ugly head, learn how to counter it with positive thoughts and the things in your life (or personality) for which you are grateful for. Accept your mistakes and accept that the journey is a long one that takes time and patience.
5. Switch-up the story
We all have a narrative, but when we struggle with low self-esteem that narrative is often a negative one. Our narratives shape our self-perceptions and the core of our self-image, but when we’re stuck in the low self-esteem swamp it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that we have the power to switch up our narrative at any point in our lives.
Change your story by understanding where it came from, and figuring out where all those negative messages you feed yourself originated.
“Sometimes, automative negative thoughts like ‘you’re fat’ or ‘you’re lazy’ can be repeated in your mind so often that you start to believe they are true,” Psy.D., Jessica Koblenz told Psychology Today. “These thoughts are learned, which means they can be unlearned. You can start with affirmations. What do you wish you believed about yourself? Repeat these phrases to yourself every day.”
6. Get some exercise
There have been a number of studies that have shown that regular exercise can substantially boost your self-esteem (and your mental health). Exercising regularly helps to empower you both physically and mentally, and can help set accomplishments that further increase your belief in yourself. If exercise isn’t your thing, give self-care a try, or some other relaxing activity that allows you to detach from the stress and disappointment of every day life.
7. Forgive yourself
Holding on to bitterness or resentment — no matter who it’s directed at — will leave you stuck in a cycle of negativity. You have to forgive yourself in order to escape the shame-loop that keeps you gridlocked in your self-destructive patterns, but you have to do it thoroughly and you have to do it from the ground up.
Practicing forgiveness will allow you to connect with your innately loving nature, and help you accept the one thing that we all struggle to accept more than anything: our humanity. The one thing that makes us the flawed, fragile and beautiful beings that we are. Whether knowing or unknowing, give yourself the forgiveness you need to bloom. No one else can give it to you, so stop denying yourself.
8. Simplify your life
Take a weekend to go through your things and get rid of the junk that no longer serves a purpose to you or your home. Though going through your material possessions might not seem like a self-esteem booster, thinning out our things can actually help cut us free of the memories and baggage that are holding us down or keeping us stuck.
Just as our outward appearance can be a symbol of our inner turmoil, our homes can be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Cluttered homes often indicate the space of someone with a cluttered sense of self, and that’s something that can become a fundamental part of our emotions, beliefs and thoughts.
Freeing up physical space in your life is a great way to free up space in your mind, creating the room you need to focus on your self-esteem. You can also simplify your life by simply creating more room in your life for you, dropping the needs and events of others that only serve to leave you frazzled, unfulfilled or feeling taken advantage of.
9. Be willing to adjust
Shifting your self-esteem is useless if it’s all based around an older version of yourself, or a vision of yourself that’s empty or outdated. You have to be willing to adjust that vision, and adjust your life around it to create an existence and experience that’s authentically yours. Things change and people do too. If you want to feel better about yourself, start adjusting your self image and find that authentic self that’s in line with your current abilities and strengths — rather than those of your past.
10. Realize that you’re not your circumstances
In order to truly rebuild your self-confidence, you have to learn to differentiate between your circumstances and who you actually are on the inside. While our external environments might have an affect on our self-esteem, they are not the sum of who are as a person, and that’s an important distinction to make. As humans, we all make mistakes, and the sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be.
Recognize your inner worth and love your imperfect self no matter what society tells you on the contrary. Create a foundation for growth by learning how to separate yourself from the actions and behaviors of others in a way that allows you to take charge of your own happiness and self-worth.
We are all born with infinite potential and we all stumble from time to time. Realize that those stumbles are just one pitstop on a path that’s decades and generations long. You are what you think and you can achieve the things you set your mind to, but you have to learn to separate from the things that matter and the things that don’t. You’re only the sum of your circumstances if you allow yourself to be. The choice is yours alone.
Putting it all together…
Self-esteem is a complicated facet of our personality, but boosting it is a relatively simple process that requires understanding more than anything else. Our self-worth is a cornerstone of who we are, and the process to correct it is one that takes time. You can improve your sense of self-worth, however, with just a few simple techniques, some radical self-acceptance and a little commitment over time.
Take a self-esteem inventory and get to know yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses. Make a list of accomplishments to look back on when you get down, and go out and get some exercise or practice self-care when you’re feeling especially hopeless. You can feel better about yourself, but you’re going to have to forgive yourself and embrace a shift in the way things used to be in order to become the truest version of yourself. Happiness is out there waiting, but you’re going to have to put in the work. Are you ready to feel better about yourself? It’s entirely up to you.