It’s Not OK To Not Be OK
And we need to stop telling people to settle for less.
This is my own personal opinion and it should not be taken as concrete advice. Seek advice from a professional if you think you need help.
There have been many instances where I’ve complained to my husband about my shit days, or about how stressful work is, etc. And it’s been even more annoying when my husband hasn’t just accepted what I said and replied with a rub on the shoulders or a tight hug. He refused to listen to me whine. I felt invalidated and like my feelings didn’t matter to him.
But it turns out, I completely misunderstood his seeming nonchalance for something much more important. And he got so frustrated with me when I didn’t get it.
He would always offer solutions as any man would do. And there’s a notion that, sometimes, women just want someone to listen to them, and they butt heads with their partners when that shoulder to cry on is absent or hostile.
Instead, he always felt the desire to uplift me to his level. He would suggest solutions to my problems instead, or he’d try to make me see how they weren’t huge to begin with. Or worse, he’d distract me with humour to cheer me up.
Over time, I came to understand that his inability or reluctance to comfort me wasn’t a reflection of his selfishness or refusal to understand me. He simply never considered letting me feel bad and had the need to help me see how I could be better.
He still tried, nevertheless, to be supportive in the way I wanted him to. But after caving in and taking on a little bit of his advice one day — working on dismissing my own misery and being more positive — I also concluded that, actually, I preferred his way of thinking over mine.
Here’s why.
It’s Better To Not Complain
I’m glad my husband didn’t let me dwell on my own unhappiness. Saying that, I’ve personally not suffered from depression, at least not officially.
My kind of unhappiness was much more subtle. If anything, I felt that because I wasn’t depressed, there was no real problem, and I expected to be comforted and patted on the back.
It’s this kind of acceptance of the misery that silently eat away at our souls. I think that’s an even harder habit to get out of because it isn’t as evident, and actually, more widely accepted by society. Like an encouraged addiction.
That’s why the media is so pessimistic and filled with catastrophic, dramatic, frightening news. That’s why fear is so ever-present. Because as a whole, society is unhappy and that’s the norm. It’s almost expected.
And that’s not OK either.
Even the little complaints about your food to a waiter at a restaurant are damaging. Or the utterance of a swear word as someone cuts you up while driving. Imagine how much damage the bigger rants about your bad day or how someone hurt your feelings can do.
When you take the time to voice your complaints and then let someone else take those words on and tell you “it’s OK”, you’re amplifying their importance. The sheer amount of focus you’re giving those complaints and the feelings behind them makes them grow because you’re in essence nurturing that negativity.
Around a year and a half ago, I decided to become more aware of my own state of being and really work on getting happy. I started to catch myself complaining in my head and I started to voice them less to friends/family. I’m talking about your everyday mild annoyances here.
After some time, I found myself moving on a hell of a lot more quickly. I even discovered that my mood was better, and I’d forget about the complaints and the feelings tied to them.
When you don’t take the extra time to voice your negativity, you’re lessening their power.
I then started inwardly replacing my own negative thoughts with more positive, uplifting thoughts, and sometimes voicing those to whoever I was with if they were relevant. That positivity spread like wildfire.
You have the power to turn something seemingly bad into something good, and influence the entire environment in which you’re in.
Overall, I felt my own mental health vastly improve despite living through a pandemic where my husband, son, and I were isolating alone for months. I lost weight, I immersed myself in nature, and I felt on top of the world. I discovered that how I was before was not OK and that I never want to feel that way again. I mean that, if ever do I feel not OK in the future, I won’t be accepting it.
If you think it’s normal to let small, mild annoyances take over your day, think again. If you think you can’t control how your day goes because of those mild annoyances, try not letting them touch you for one day. Brush off your negativity and move on swiftly, and witness your own sense of happiness increase almost overnight.
Mental Health Issues Are Not OK
The saying “it’s OK not to be OK” is supposed to be validating to those who are suffering from real, deep-rooted mental health issues such as depression. It’s supposed to take away the taboo feeling around it and normalize it for those who may not be comfortable with the topic. With those intentions in mind, I fully agreed with the saying at first.
But after some time, I changed my mind.
It’s simply not positive enough.
Saying “it’s OK” to someone who does not feel good or is battling deep mental health issues just seems patronizing. And I’m not alone in feeling this.
Journalist Evie Muir posted an article in The Metro discussing how the saying is misleading and hollow. She goes on to explain how when she lost someone to suicide at the age of 11, it led to a long road battling her own mental health and how over the years, the saying became more isolating than anything.
She challenges the phrase with this very important question:
“For how long are we expected to be content in our suffering?”
It’s a fair point. For as long as we keep saying that someone’s mental health issues are OK, I feel we are normalizing them to a point where they’re supposed to just accept how they are and that nothing will change. We are almost discouraging them from doing anything to work on getting better.
And thus, when someone tries to validate your negativity, they’re taking away the responsibility you have over your feelings. And that’s simply not OK.
Because it doesn’t teach anyone that they can really control their way of thinking, their circumstances, and their lives. I can give you dozens of books that explain this in a much gentler way, but in essence, they’re all saying the same thing.
You should not be OK with your own unhappiness.
Rebecca Lawrence, a psychiatrist who wrote an article for The Guardian, suggests that the saying is OK when it’s displayed on leaflets or advertised with the necessary services that people might need access to. But often, the saying is said on its own with no real, useful information as to why it’s OK and what to do:
“It’s OK not to be OK, but this still isn’t OK. In other words, it should be OK to admit to difficulties, but that doesn’t actually negate or solve them. Talking to people can be very therapeutic, it’s true, but it doesn’t cure serious mental illness. Sometimes I think that all the energy encouraging people to talk might be better channelled into improving the help and services that people need to get better, or to live with their illness.”
Talking about your issues is the first step. When you go to therapy, you’re encouraged to talk about your feelings in order for the expert to teach you how to cope with them or get better. And that’s actually the main step — it’s taking responsibility for your own mental health.
But talking about them alone won’t help in the grand scheme of things.
Takeaway
Yes — it’s OK to admit that you aren’t OK. Yes, it’s OK to vent with the purpose of feeling better afterward — I know I have sent 15 minute long rants to my best friend over a voice note and it makes it easy to move on with my life.
But when those rants turn into everyday occurrences, and when you’re waking up with a sour taste in your mouth every morning, it’s not right. So, yes, admitting that you’re not OK is more than OK, so long as you don’t stop there.
Stop listening to the condoning voices that say it’s OK not to be happy and who will constantly sit and listen to your unhappiness. They’re not helping.
Talk to those who can empower you and lift you up. Surround yourself with positivity and let them influence you into believing that maybe, there is better and that you deserve it.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, look for services that can help you deal with it. You don’t have to go through any struggles alone.
No, it is not OK not to be OK.
But it is OK to admit that you’re not OK with the purpose and goal of moving forward and working on being better.
Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.
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