Why Self-Improvement Is Taboo
And why you should carry on listening to the (non)gurus anyway.
I feel like since I started my journey to self-growth, it’s become a huge aspect of my life. The books and articles just keep coming at me with life-hacks about how to change your mindset to feel happy. The Law of Attraction made its way into my vocabulary. The new habits started to be trialled: mindfulness, gratitude, early-morning routines, positive self-talk. I even turned cleaning into a lifehack and wrote about it.
But admittedly, sometimes, it all feels a little overwhelming. And exhausting. I’ve sometimes become too engrossed in the self-help articles that keep getting posted and pinged straight to my phone. I’ve gone into a negative spiral because of how stressful it is having to remember every single piece of advice out there and frustrated when the results haven’t presented themselves quickly enough.
I’ve even been tempted to just say, “you know what? It’s not for me.”
But I’ve kept going. Why?
1. Because Unhappiness Shouldn’t Be An Option
Yes, a lot of what’s written out there is bull and people are just trying to make money. But what do most of the authors and preachers of self-help have in common?
They want to be happy. Duh.
They’re on the same journey as you. They may be a little ahead. Or behind. But they’re trying, goddammit.
They’re writing about their experiences. Some have more knowledge, more experience, and more backup research than others. I’ve been lucky in that I feel most of what I have read has been of good quality and value to me personally.
But it would be unrealistic to think that it’s all useful and original to everyone. A lot of the new stuff is simply the old stuff rephrased. But somehow, they still add something. For me, repetition is important. Keeping happiness at the front of your mind all the time. If you hear multiple people saying the same thing, it becomes more believable. Plus everyone has their own take on it, thus making it slightly unique.
You can’t just take one piece of advice and go with it. You have to do your research, and you have to trial and select what works for you. After all, what’s effective to you might be a slight tweak of the advice you take, and it becomes a whole new tactic that you can pass on.
The more you read, the more you’re likely to start practising, too. It would be pointless to keep reading about self-help without trying some of the tactics out for yourself.
The point is — if unhappiness is not an option, you have to put in the work and find ways to help you find your inner happiness. As cliche as that sounds, it’s true.
People can go through life letting their feelings take their course. I decided I had let unhappiness take control for too long and that it was time for me to take charge. But it didn’t come easy. When I first started reading about happiness and self-help, I was expecting some miraculous secret that would change my life.
I did not expect it to be so hard because the biggest change is within yourself. There is no avoiding it. It’s almost like you have to hit rock bottom before you start feeling good again. You have to forget the old you and the old ways of being. You have to change your thinking, your habits, your outlook on life.
It is a step towards self-awareness that’s just not taught in school. And it is much harder than you think to be able to admit that you aren’t perfect without feeling shame and self-loathing.
2. Because You Can Do It
I compare my journey to battling addiction — without disrespecting those who have gone through a genuine battle with it.
When an addict goes to AA or rehab, he is literally changing his entire being: his attitude so that he can learn to resist physical and mental urges; his habits and his way of thinking so that he learns to resist the temptation to go back to his old life; the people around him, like having a sponsor and supportive family members who will cheer him on rather than dangling his old self in front of him.
People who go through a journey of self-growth towards happiness are essentially learning the same process as addicts, only a little less officially.
Only people who are struggling with an addiction have it that much harder when there is a physical tendency involved. Not only are they rewiring their brain (which is what self-help essentially advises), they’re resisting strong, powerful cravings and quite often much deeper routed mental health issues.
I was going to say something like “if an addict can do it, so can you”, but it’s so much more than that. What I want to say is that real, ground-shifting work towards feeling genuine happiness is not a journey that only addicts need to go through to not only get better — but to get happy. I believe every single person would benefit from the 12-step recovery programme because it is extremely powerful and beneficial to everyone who wants a better life.
Yet, if you’re reading this and thinking “but my issues aren’t as bad” or you’re dismissing the idea, then you’re adding to the “tabooness” of self-help. No, I’m not saying you should start attending AA meetings. But I am saying you could open your mind to looking into what the program studies and compare it to what you already know about self-improvement. You might just get an “a-ha!” moment.
I find Laura Clery and her husband Stephen Hilton super inspiring. They are two huge figures on social media who specialise in comedy sketches about life, and more recently, parenting. They are both addicts who embraced sobriety with the 12 step recovery program a few years ago and turned their lives completely around.
Now, they literally live a life of their wildest dreams through having changed their mindset and dealt with their mental health — through the implementation of the program combined with the theories of the Law of Attraction and other well-known self-help “hacks”.
Laura went from being an aspiring actress in Hollywood to actually owning a house on the hills with her growing family. They even have their own clothing brand now inspired by a troll, as well as branching out into vegan cosmetics, and more. All within a matter of a few years.
Because literally, everyone has the power within them to turn around their lives, no matter how difficult things seem right now. The changes still must come from you, and no one else. The less you resist learning this, the more effective self-help will be for you.
3. Because You Won’t Learn Till You Do
I started writing about self-improvement way before I felt its effects on me personally. I felt like a fraud. But that was part of the process, and to be honest, a really small price to pay to actually get through to the other side.
It’s still hard today. But it starts to work when you drum happiness into yourself. When you lie to yourself, your brain doesn't actually know the difference after a while.
At this point, I believe that telling yourself your questionable version of the truth which made you unhappy before is worse than lying to yourself about butterflies and rainbows, so you might as well go with it.
I was not happy when I first started to understand the concept of true, inner peace with oneself. I understood the science behind our thinking process and how easy it is to lie to our brains. But I was too righteous and too stubborn to lie about how I felt. If anything, not only did I feel it was immoral to lie to myself about my own state of being, I felt like an idiot.
But when I gave in and started out literally telling myself my life was perfect, I started seeing how my life wasn’t bad at all, and in fact, there was good all around. During the pandemic, my sense of fulfilment peaked. Because I discovered that there is beauty amongst the cracks. The misery faded through the simple building of small but really effective habits, like gratitude and mindfulness.
And what happened? My relationship with myself improved drastically. I woke up feeling refreshed instead of anxious. I finally shifted the pregnancy weight without even consciously trying. Because I felt great, I simply made better choices about what I ate and the exercise I took. I walked 5k a day with my son and fully embraced nature around me. I felt sexy. My husband and I became best friends again. And I made my first dollar writing. I have only felt better since!
Takeaway
What I’m saying is, only you have the power to change. Everyone thinks differently and everyone forms opinions about anything and everything, including the power of self-improvement. My life hacks might be detrimental to your happiness. Or they might change your life around. It’s what you make of it.
But you won’t know what works till you try it. Only then can you say something is bull or miraculous to you — but you don’t have the right to say it won’t work for anyone else.
Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.
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