How to Rid Yourself of Negativity in Your Life

Identifying and dealing with sabotaging traits

We all know that toxic people are everywhere. Some are more obviously destructive than others. And unfortunately, most are disguised as normal people you see and deal with every day.

Sometimes, it’s you who’s toxic.

I was a self-sabotager for a long time. I blamed the world for being against me and I dwelled on my negative circumstances.

Becoming a parent motivated me to turn that around because I absolutely could not bear the thought that my son might someday adopt my self-destructive attitude. I wanted to radiate happiness and love so that he would too. And what better way than to lead by example?

Here is what I have identified to be common traits in negative people, and how to get away from them.

Envy

Envy can be hidden quite well and demonstrate itself in the form of other emotions, such as anger and sadness. If you hear someone speaking of others who are more successful than them, it’s very likely that they are simply jealous.

For example, I used to be a hater of bloggers. I used to say that they were taking the easy way out of employment because they were just writing about themselves, and it was simply shocking to me that someone could make money from it. It wasn't until I started journaling and writing articles myself that I realised I was simply jealous all along and I wanted a piece of that success but had no idea how to begin. Now, I love what I do and I have embraced and dealt with that envy.

Envy can also manifest itself in the form of bullying and hatred towards others. For example, someone who’s racist and claims that white privilege isn’t a thing is very likely to feel like his story also deserves attention and isn’t getting it.

How to get away from envy:

What’s lacking in your life? What’s causing the jealousy? Something I have learned over time is that anything I was jealous about was a reflection of my own feeling of lacking in some way.

I learned about gratitude and it helped me not want so much.

Take the time to really reflect on your own milestones and be appreciative of what you have, including the air that you breathe.

Healthline confirms that,

“Even appreciating positive things in your life that don’t relate to jealousy can help you realize that, while your life may not be perfect (but whose life is?), you’ve still got some good things going for you.”

This will change your perspective about your own circumstances. You will see that it’s not so bad, after all. You enable a new feeling of hope for the future when you see that the present is abundant.

I also learned to embrace the milestones of others. When you’re genuinely happy for others’ success and you don’t feel like they’ve taken something from you, the idea that you too can make it comes to your head instead. In the end, what everyone else does is none of your business and if you’re going to stick your nose in, you might as well make it benefit everyone. By being happy for others, you are opening up the possibility of success to yourself.

Could others be jealous of you? Know that it isn’t about you, but about them. They are battling their own issues and you may act as a trigger for them. Don’t get involved with that because it has nothing to do with you and simply focus on your own continuing progress.

There’s Always a But

Have you ever met someone who, no matter what their situation is, there always seems to be something wrong?

I’ve known a fair few people who always have something to complain about. One of those people was me.

No matter what, there was always a but to any circumstance or action. I cooked an amazing 3-course meal, BUT I forgot to add the magic spice. I received good grades in many subjects at school BUT I didn’t do so well in another.

People who respond with negative buts deny any positivity they started off with. This is not just draining to those who listen, but to those who are thinking it. The tendency to default to negativity is often nothing more than a habit that feeds the comfort zone and is a silent killer to self-esteem.

How to get away from buts:

If you are a but guy, and you want to change, it’s going to be tricky because not only are you changing your thinking, you are replacing one habit with another. But it’s worth the hard mental work if you get it right.

Turn the premises of a sentence around whenever you think of a but to any scenario. Instead of saying “I was having a good day but my colleague was rude to me,” you can switch your statement around and say “my colleague was rude to me but overall, I had a good day.”

By literally swapping the positive and negative statements around, your tone will change and so will your perspective. Yes, your colleague was rude, but heck, you didn’t let him ruin your day because you’re bigger than that.

If you want to get away from others’ buts:

Self-preserve. It might mean creating distance from those who bring you down. It might mean having a chat with them and setting a new boundary where they should ask if you have a moment to listen to their complaints. It might mean you changing the subject altogether.

Respond positively. Point out good aspects of their life or day. This may backfire — if someone is in a bad mood they may not want to hear positivity in that moment if they don’t know your intention is to plant positive thoughts into them. It can take some time for them to become accustomed to this change, like with any other. The result: They will either stop complaining to you because it no longer feels good to them when they do it. Or they may see the light and start thinking more positively.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”

— Abraham Lincoln

Getting Offended Easily

Those who get offended easily often misinterpret other people’s words and intentions.

Sometimes, people do go out there to deliberately offend. But people who are offended easily go out there to get deliberately offended.

Imagine someone tries to cheer their friend up by bringing them a coffee but they don’t know how they like it. Because they’re trying to surprise them, they’ll bring a latte with sugar on the side for them to help themselves. A person who wants to feel offended (even unknowingly) might get offended and accuse their friend of not knowing them well enough and being a fake friend, simply because they didn’t know how they like their coffee.

How to get away from offended people:

If you get offended easily, think back to the biggest offence and your feelings around it. It is possible you’re projecting those undealt with feelings towards others.

Don’t take things personally. Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. wrote in Psychology Today,

“Feeling annoyed and offended may be warranted, but it’s not helpful. Remember that even if you walk the line and follow the rules, you can’t control whether others break them.”

When I stopped taking as an insult every action of others on me, it was liberating. Remember that when you take personal insult to things, you are distorting your own reality. Most of the time, things aren’t personal to you, but personal to those who hurt you. So when someone offends you, it’s possible they’re battling their own issues and taking it out on you. It’s also possible they were unaware and mean no offence at all. Either way — it has nothing to do with you.

React kindly. No matter what has happened, you don’t have the power to change it. Your reaction can either exacerbate a problem, or it can kill it. Choose to react kindly to every single situation and person around you, and watch yourself not become offended.

The same applies if you want to get away from those who get offended easily. Don’t react to their offended states — they are looking for an argument, even if they don’t realise it. Instead of calling them out, simply reacting with a calm and level head can stop the escalation.

Deep Patel, a writer for The Entrepreneur, wrote in 10 Effective Ways Intelligent People Deal With Rude People,

“One of the best ways to defuse rude and negative behavior is to stay friendly and positive. This gives the other person a chance to calm down and adjust their behavior to match yours. Kindness can be a wonderful antidote to rudeness.”

Remember that positivity spreads in the same way as negativity does. Start a new pattern of thought by reacting optimistically and watch it grow.

General Negativity

If overall you’re a negative person and you desperately want to change, you can. But it takes work. Like I said, your negative thinking is supported by a well-ingrained habit and it would be almost like battling an addiction to quit.

Be comforted by the fact that you are not alone, and we all mostly tend to focus more on negativity than positivity — psychologists call this negativity bias. It means that as humans,

“Negative events have a greater impact on our brains than positive ones.” — Verywellmind.com

That’s why the media love to focus on the negativity of the news, by using heavy language associated with fear, horror, and disaster.

Here is what I have learned so far to break out of the negative cycle.

Question your reality. When we replay unpleasant scenes in our minds, there is a tendency to exaggerate them, thus magnifying our reaction. We make assumptions about others involved, and we jump to false conclusions. But the truth is, when you’re in a situation, there is no way you could ever get the full picture.

Choose your reaction wisely. Your reaction is what determines your emotions. So, when you feel bad, it is because you have chosen to feel bad. You can’t control what has happened, but you can learn to choose your reaction.

Disown your negative thoughts. When they pop into your head, you can detach from them and pretend they’re coming from someone else. I named my negativity Ursula. And who wants to talk to Ursula?! It is much easier to let them go when you no longer associate them with yourself as an individual. Remember, they don’t own you, and you don’t need to own them.

Practice mindfulness. I do this every single day, a million times a day. It is the act of staying out of your head and in the present, by any means possible. Turn your favourite music on. Go for a walk and be aware of your surroundings. Seek out nature. Stay out of your head, which is where all the negativity really comes from.

Final Thoughts

Recognising negativity in yourself and in others is helpful when you want to stay away from it.

Jealousy is a sign that negativity is a big part of your life. Assess what you really want while remembering with deliberate gratitude what you have now. Embrace the milestones of others, especially when it’s something you want for yourself.

If “but” is a big word in your vocabulary, learn to use it in order to turn the negativity onto its head. You’ll find this exercise gets easier with practice.

If you get offended easily, it may be because that’s what you’re used to doing, to the point you look to get offended. This isn’t your fault, it is partly habitual. But every habit can be broken.

Cutting out negativity in general starts with simply being aware of it, and catching yourself before it consumes you. Remember that what you perceive to be your reality isn’t always the “true” picture.

Your reaction often matters more than the event itself, so choose to react more positively, and your entire perspective can change.

You don’t have to own your negative thoughts. Creating distance and detaching from them empowers you to choose not to listen to them.

Lastly, find different ways that work for you to practice the act of being in the present moment.

You’ve got this, and so do those around you.

“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.” — Goi Nasu

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.

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