It Doesn’t Matter How They Respond to Your Boundaries
Their reaction is none of your business. Your happiness is.
by: E.B. Johnson
A relationship without boundaries is no relationship at all. It’s the wild west. It’s two people with no idea, shooting in the dark. We need boundaries to understand one another. We need them to trust one another. Boundaries aren’t a bad word. They’re the backbone on which our deeper connections are stabilized. You need boundaries in order to protect your happiness in every relationship — and the person on the other side needs those boundaries too. Stop letting the world (and the ones you love) push you around. Set iron-clad boundaries that allow you to celebrate your life, your love, and the bonds you’re reinforcing.
Boundaries are a must for a happy life.
I was not someone who encouraged to set boundaries in life. My childhood was a rough one, and in it I learned that setting boundaries with the people around me (who perceived themselves to be above me) wasn’t safe. That carried on into adulthood and the relationships I built after. And it’s the same thing for many people the world over. Millions of us have learned that we aren’t allowed to set limits with the people that we love. But it’s a natural part of the process. Boundaries allow us to honor each other and ourselves, too.
You cannot build a healthy or stable relationship without boundaries. Think about it. What would happen if you lived with someone that burst into the bathroom every single time you used it? They didn’t talk to you. They just sat down on the tub and made eye contact with you while you worked through one of the most vulnerable positions out there…
Even to the most open partner or friend — this is a bit much. We all have limits, and a person like this would make us feel as though we were never fully safe in our own bathroom. That would invalidate trust over time. How could it not? It’s hard to trust a fully grown adult who doesn’t even allow you to go to the bathroom by yourself (even once). Over time, this is going to lead to conflict and deep divides that drive you away from one another until the behavior is changed. We need boundaries, even the small ones.
It doesn’t matter how they respond to your boundaries.
The reason most of us struggle with setting boundaries is because we fear how the person on the other side of that line will we respond. We fear we will lose them or be punished by them. But in truth, the reaction of others doesn’t matter. Your boundaries are your boundaries. They protect the places most important to you, and those who can’t respect them are seeking to take something they have no right to.
They can throw a fit
One reason you cannot set boundaries comes down to your fear. You probably fear how the other person will react. Will they scream at me? Will they break something? Will they hurt me? These may be scenarios you experienced in the past. The truth is, though, that it doesn’t matter if they throw a fit. Fighting your boundaries only confirms the worst intentions and proves that you are aligning yourself with someone who cannot respect you.
They can walk away from you
Ever been told you have a fear of abandonment? Those who fear being left by those they love often fold their boundaries in. They make themselves soft and complacent out of a desire to please and keep those they love close. Of course, this set them up for relationships with abusers, leeches, and liars. Afraid someone will walk away from you when you tell them not to treat you a certain way? While it hurts, in the long run, it doesn’t matter. They are showing toxic behavior and clearing space for a better option.
They can set limits too
Frankly, some people don’t put their foot down with partners and friends because they don’t want them to do the same. That’s right. It’s not always the world taking advantage of you. Sometimes, you’re the one who is settling up connections of convenience. But your intentions mean little. The people around you have a right to set boundaries and protect their wellbeing too — whether or not you like it.
They can change the terms
Are you afraid that the terms of your relationship will change if you draw the line with someone close to you? This is a good sign that something is off in the relationship to begin with. You’re giving them power to make you unhappy because you don’t want things to change. This means to you fear something changing in a bad way, because you know the relationship is off. Follow the thread, and know that you still need to set boundaries — even (and especially if) you think the relationship will forever be altered.
They can punish you
There are a million and one other ways that someone else could design to “punish” you after choosing to set boundaries. None of these reactions matter. Are they unpleasant? Yes. Should they, can they, stop you from drawing the line and protecting yourself? No. The reaction of another adult person should never hold a bearing on the quality of life you are building for yourself. If they can’t respect your path to happiness, then they don’t deserve to take up space in your life.
How to set iron-clad boundaries in every area of your life.
Are you ready to look beyond their reactions? It’s a necessary step to realize your truth. But building boundaries has to come with some direction. You must start with a sense of self-respect and then build more intentional communication patterns. Accept that conflict may happen and change the way you see your connections with others. Boundaries are easier to set when you’re not surrounded by those set to tear them down.
1. Build on your sense of self-respect
I was never able to set boundaries on my healing journey because I had never been taught to respect myself. On the contrary, my upbringing taught me to honor only what one person thought of me. Every time I tried to draw the line, I ended up folding like a coward in a confrontation. It wasn’t until I learned how to love and respect myself as much as the people around me that it all changed for the better.
Build up a sense of self-respect before you try to apply boundaries you can’t enforce. To set limits is to honor yourself, but to honor yourself, you must love yourself, value yourself, and have a sense of self-esteem. These are components of activated self-respect, and this is the launching point of all boundary setting.
Start small in loving, valuing, and celebrating yourself. It’s often easiest to begin on the superficial level. Fall in love with your body through various forms of active affirmation. Then expand to the inner you. Learn to love your mind, your heart, and where you’ve come from. See your life as a whole and envision it defined entirely on your own terms. This is where you learn to respect yourself and the person you’re becoming.
2. Triumph in intentional communication
You can’t set boundaries without communication. It’s just not possible. But the communication can’t just be random demands for respect. It has to be intentional and direct. For example, it wasn’t good enough to say, “You can’t talk to me that way.” I had to learn how to walk into a room and proclaim, “I can’t be around that kind of language. It makes me feel anxious, and it makes me feel disrespected.” I became intentional about telling people what my boundaries were, how they affected me, and even why.
Become an intentional communicator, who is able to (and willing) to express what they’re feeling freely. To set boundaries, we have to communicate well and directly, but getting there takes practice. We can build on this skill by building on a habit of intentional communication in every other facet of our lives.
Get comfortable talking about yourself. Talk about how your day went. How your body is feeling. The deep thoughts that are going on in your mind (and heart). By being more candid and present with our discussions of self, it becomes easier to talk about boundaries and where we draw the line. As our communication skills become more intentional, we can navigate any conflict or fallout with greater skill and courage. Think of it like practice makes perfect.
3. Change the way you see conflict
Many of us were raised as children of dysfunction. For those who escaped the childhood upset, it very often was met early in life when they formed relationships with those who had encountered those traumas. On either path, you learn to fear conflict and the wounds it can lead to (especially in setting boundaries and telling people “no”). When we change the way we see and manage that conflict, though, it helps us improve our iron-clad boundary setting skills.
Stop running from conflict and instead change the way you see it entirely. Sure, this might have been a toxic and dangerous experience in childhood — but it’s not now. Conflict can be a great tool of both understanding, improvement, and reconciliation when it’s managed with compassion and care.
Choose to see potential conflict as potential growth. A partner who is confronted with new boundaries learns more about who you are and what makes you tick. Beyond that, you learn more about your partner and how far they are willing to go to love, honor, and respect you. Conflict is always a lesson, even when it’s bad and scary. The scariest of backlash is a great lesson in character, and no backlash at all can be a lesson in itself. Embrace boundary-setting conflict as a chance to learn more about your relationship.
4. Shift your social perspective
The way you prioritize your relationships with others is key in your boundary setting abilities. Prioritize those relationships too high, and you put yourself in the backseat. Prioritize them too low, and you don’t learn to respect the boundaries of others. You’ve got to put your Goldilocks pants on and find the right fit. That means finding the balance between how you value relationships with others and how you value the relationship you have with yourself.
Shift your social perspective. Stop voiding your own limits because you are desperate for the approval of other. No one really approves of a weak person who has no respect for themselves or their lives. To drop your boundaries for acceptance is to set yourself up for harm, disappointment, and failure (of the worst possible sort).
Come to value your sanity and your happiness over the number of people who call themselves your “friend”. A large social circle means nothing if you are at the bottom, constantly questioning yourself and everyone around you. It is better to be alone, at peace, with your dignity and your self-respect, than surrounded by a million people who would sacrifice you for their lack of care. Our social success lies not in the validation of others, but rather the validation of our own sovereign needs.
5. Make change easier to act on
It’s a lot easier to set boundaries with people who respect you and love you (earnestly). The same goes for the careers we build, the friendships we foster, and every other experience we align ourselves with. If you continue to purse dead end relationships with abusers, narcissists, destroyers — you make it impossible to cultivate the peace you need with self. Change is easy when we’re honoring ourselves by building a life that’s filled with those things which honor us, too.
Make it easier to set iron-clad boundaries in your life. Elevate the quality of the friends and partners you pursue. Seek heightened experiences that put you at ease, and places that encourage you to be a stronger version of yourself. It’s easier to stand up for ourselves when we’re not surrounded by things (and people) designed to tear us down.
Little-by-little shed the trappings of your life that make it harder to become that person you want to be. Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be (nor should it be) a struggle day-in and day-out. Look for friends and lovers who see the best in you, who welcome your boundaries with open arms. Discover new self-defined career horizons that encourage you to grow in ways you never imagined. Align yourself with experiences that teach you how to build on your boundaries.
Putting it all together…
You’ve been putting off your boundaries for too long. Instead of standing up for yourself, you’ve let them push you around and take your happiness, too. That will not work anymore. Now, we’re in the habit of setting boundaries and understanding that their reaction to these boundaries is not ours. Instead of claiming their conflict, their backlash, or abandonment — we are learning how to value ourselves as much as we value and love others.
Build up to better boundary setting skills by first learning how to love, honor, and respect yourself. Increase your self-esteem and realize your right to thrive. Then, become a more intentional communicator (both with yourself and the world). Change the way you see conflict in the wake of this self-actualization, and change the way you prioritize relationships with others, too. There can be no connection with others that is greater than the one you have with self. Strengthen that connection and surround yourself with the people, places, and things that make it easy to stand up for joy and your future.
