Become a more efficient communicator by knowing your communication style
Sometimes, it takes a little know-how to make a point.
by: E.B. Johnson
We are creatures who crave communication. Whether it takes place in our personal lives or our professional spheres, dialogue and conversation are a core piece of the human experience and the way by which we captain ourselves through this world. Learning how to communicate isn’t enough, however. In order to truly thrive, we have to learn how to communicate effectively, but that’s a skill that can be a little more elusive.
The power of the effective communicator is one that sleeps within all of us. It empowers us to connect with others on a deeper level, and it is the tool by which we establish ourselves. It’s critical, but it takes time and practice to develop. Only by truly understanding communication and the forms and roles it takes on in our lives, can you truly start to understand the techniques that allow you to reach people in new and transformative ways. Good communication matters, and it has a number of astounding benefits that can help us grow both inside and out.
Why good communication matters.
Communication is a key part of who we are as a species. We use communication to form everything from our intimate relationships to our professional careers. It helps us to define who we are, and it’s one of the mirrors by which we realizes ourselves in the world. Communicating effectively matters, and it matters for a number of reasons.
Keeping things clear
When we communicate effectively, we help to make things clear — both for ourselves and for those around us. Keeping things clear helps to encourage peaceful environments, where all parties are clear on expectations and therefore not frustrated with one another when one party falls short. It helps us to keep things in the boxes they belong in, and also helps us to reaffirm the personal boundaries we need feel safe an secure.
Dealing with the issues
Feeling confident in our ability to communicate what we need helps to build our confidence when it comes to dealing with the important issues. Rather than running away from uncomfortable topics, we can learn to embrace them when we know we have the skills needed to navigate them effectively.
Building resilience to adversity
Because our communication skills are so central to our self-confidence, they can help us to build resilience when it comes to dealing with adversity and the hardships that life presents to us. Being able to effectively open up dialogue and communicate our needs when we’re falling short or feeling stressed, can help us overcome the obstacles that life throws our way and instill the confidence we need to know we can succeed — no matter what.
Managing difficult situations
Just as effective communication helps us to build resiliency, it also helps us to better navigate difficult situations. Speaking honestly strengthens trust, in others and ourselves, and it also helps to pinpoint what’s going wrong and better identify pathways to resolution. When we learn how to appropriately communicate what’s going wrong and what we need to fix it, we can better manage hardship and conflict; resulting in strengthened relationships and a better sense of self.
The different communication styles.
Generally there are four types of communications that we find ourselves falling into. All four types are commonly found, but not all types are effective or purpose-serving when it comes to building a better environment filled with more happiness and fulfillment for ourselves. Part of learning how to master effective communication is learning how to identify these 4 types of communication styles and realize where your patterns fall.
Passive
Passive communication often seems like a good idea, but it can result in some problems both internally and externally. This style of communication revolves around indifference, yielding or giving in to pressure. When someone engages in passive communication, they do anything to avoid conflict and will compromise themselves (rather than stick to their boundaries) in order to “keep the peace”. This communication style can also be marked by poor eye contact, weak body posture and the inability to say no or stick up for their own feelings.
Aggressive
Aggressive communicators are those who speak in a loud, demanding voice while seeking to dominate or control others through intimidation, blaming, attacking, threatening or criticizing (among a number of other negative traits). This style of communication commands, rather than questioning, and barrels headlong into rash decisions rather than taking the time to get down to all the facts. It’s a terribly corrosive and toxic communication style, and one that’s more self-defeating than the engagers often realize.
Assertive
There are many who find that the assertive style of communication is the most efficient or effective — especially when it comes to dealing with pressing or stressful situations. Rather than intimidating, assertive communicators seek to form open, two-way links in which their own needs and desires are clearly expressed, while still leaving room for the other party’s. It’s clear and concise, without being overbearing.
Passive-Agressive
Passive-aggressive communication is a default tendency for many of us, and comes off the back of years of emotional repression or repeated trauma. This communication style is most often marked by silent treatment, sabotage or even spreading rumors behind another person’s back. It shows an inability to address emotions honestly, and an inability to express needs. By building up our communication skills and making them stronger, we can eliminate this need to avoid and start giving voice to our needs and feelings.
Signs your communication skills could use some work.
There are some concrete signs that our communication skills are lacking, or that they could use a little honing. When we struggle to connect with others on a meaningful level, or we find ourselves feeling as though we are unheard and ignored — it’s time to take a step back and assess how we’re approaching others and where our skills are falling short. The following are some of the most common ways we struggle to communicate (effectively) what we need.
Overgeneralizations
Overgeneralized thinking is both toxic and dangerous, causing us to see the world (and ourselves) in polarized terms which are both destructive and self-defeating. When we say or believe things likem “All people act this way” or “Everyone is out to get me,” we create walls for ourselves that are hard to overcome, no matter how much others reach out to us.
“You” language
Ineffective communication can often be marked by the use of “you language” which both isolated and belittles, going a little something like, “you are…”; “You should…”; “You’d better…”; etc. It’s usually followed by a directive statement, which is a negative passing of judgement that also pushes another person toward a desired goal that is not their own.
Focus on the person (rather than the issue)
As humans, we all make mistakes and have missteps along the way. Some are bigger than others, but none of us are expempt. If we truly want to become effective communicators, we have to accept this and learn how to separate the person from the behavior or the issue. Therefore rising above personal attacks.
Invalidating emotions
When we feel confronted, or uncomfortable, we often resort to the lowest or easiest hanging fruit. This includes invalidating the emotions of the people we interact and communicate with, a trait which can manifest through belittlement, minimization, judgement or just all-around negative feelings. Not knowing how to deal with your own emotions causes you to also struggle with communicating them effectively when needed.
Avoidance is the first (and only) option
If you’re someone who battles with passive (or passive aggressive) tendencies, running will be your preferred method of communicating that you need some space, or that something is wrong. This, however, leaves the issues at bay — allowing them to fester and compound over time; turning into emotional wrecks that cause us to bottom out in the relationships that matter the most.
How to become a more efficient communicator.
Communication is like any other skill — we can strengthen it and make it stronger over time. All it takes to become a skilled communicator is a little practice and a little dedication, combined with some hard work and a few basic techniques which will allow you to reach people on a deeper level.
1. Learn how to listen
One of the first rules of learning how to become a better speaker is to become a better listener. If you truly want to possess the power to connect with people through your dialogue, learn how to listen to them actively. Active listening is a critical skill, and one we often take for granted (in our increasingly me, me, me world). Be a listener if you want to be a communicator. You can’t truly connect until you learn how to see people and really hear what they’re saying.
Active listening is all about really engaging with with what you’re hearing and applying your senses when, and where, they are called for. It’s comprised of both verbal and non-verbal cues, and is far more than just smiling and nodding with an occasional “uh-huh”. When we listen actively we have to provide feedback and really try to relate to what the other party is saying.
We think that everyone wants to be seen — and they doo — but above all, they want to be heard. They want to know that when they share their words, someone is truly ingesting them and processing them, taking on the emotions and hardship of it as if it were their own. There’s a line, but active listening is one of the best ways to build up our communication skills. If you want to be heard, learn how to listen. It’s one of the oldest tricks in the book.
2. Master non-verbal concentration
We truly take for granted the power of non-verbal communication. While words are important, what’s between those words is equally important, though it is always silent and more subtle. Non-verbal communication makes up about 55% of our total perception, so it’s important to focus on and fine-tune just as we do our speaking and listening skills.
Start paying attention to things like posture, gestures, tone of voice and body movements. There’s a lot that can be gleamed from the way someone presents their body. Look too for incongruent behaviors that don’t match your previous perceptions of person, and use good eye contact, concentrating on your own calm and collected tone of voice while you speak.
If you don’t understand something, or you’re concerned about the other party — ask questions, and clarify the non-verbal signals before making assumptions that disrupt the reality of the situation. Always consider the context and be aware that we always see what we want to see, rather than what is really there. Be accepting of misunderstandings, but be open to clarifying them when they arise with kindness and compassion.
3. Open up to honest feedback
Communication is a two-way street, and that means that — just like you have the space to share your feedback perspective — the other party also has the time and space to express their point-of-view. This requires you to be strong, and open yourself up to hearing their feedback and apply it where it is honest and applicable.
Recognize good intentions where they lie and accept that not everyone in this world is out to get you, control you or manipulate you. Listen actively (sound familiar?) and ask questions to get clarification when you don’t understand. Don’t disagree out of hand, and don’t block out what they’re saying when it comes from a good place. Listen, and you might just grow.
The most important part about taking on appropriate feedback is being gracious. You might not want to thank the person for pointing out a flaw or shortcoming, but you should, as they might have a better perspective than we allow ourselves. Summarize what they said before all is said is done and make sure to follow up, to really make sure they know you’ve taken what they said on board. Feedback isn’t always a one-off sort of situation. Like all communication, it’s a back-and-forth. Keep the dialogue going.
4. Pack-in your key points
It’s easy to get lost in the details when we’re opening up to someone or trying to share a dynamic idea. The problem, however, is that too many finely-pointed details can be overwhelming. In order to overcome the “check-out” it’s important to pack our key points in the the start of our approach and in the conclusion, when we summarize what we came to say.
Open strong, letting the other person know precisely why you’ve started a dialogue with them. Use clear and concise language, and don’t flower things up or make them fluffier than they need to be. Clear communication is achieved by sticking to the facts and the facts alone. Keep the niceties to a minimum and get down to the nitty gritty.
Having stated your intent, give the other person a chance to respond and then engage them in back and forth dialogue if it is necessary. Once things are coming to their natural end (thank you, verbal cues!) — wrap it up by restating your original intent and the clear-cut facts that led you to the conversation. Summarize what you need to summarize and pack the last of your key points into your closing. Whether personal or professional, this is a technique that ensures clear feedback and understanding.
5. Fine-tune your timing
A lot of getting comfortable with our communication skills comes down to fine-tuning our timing. Untimely communication can have devastating results and — likewise — it can become a source of frustration and conflict. Learning how to communicate effectively means learning how to fine-tune your timing into approaches that work for all parties involved.
If you need to broach a topic that’s delicate or potentially fraught, wait for a time when both yourself and the other party are calmed and relax, and approach in a somewhat private place where you are both free to express yourselves without judgement. Express yourself, but leave room for them to do the same. Pull back when it’s their turn to talk. Don’t interrupt or step over them with your own point of view. All things in good time.
Timing is a blend of planning and engagement, approach and retreat. A bit like the ocean ebbs and flows, so too does our communication with others. Keep the end-goal in mind when approaching others, and pick the most favorable conditions for being heard. Listen actively and save time but focusing on the important aspects of what you want to share. Don’t share too much, and read the non-verbal cues the other party is sending you. Are they fidgeting and ready to go? Cut it short and fine-tune your message and your timing.
Putting it all together…
Mastering the art of communication is a critical skill, in order to build both the professional and personal relationships that bring us happiness and authentic fulfillment of self. Communication helps make us who we are, and helps to define the boundaries we give to the world, empowering growth and encouraging transformation even in the darkest of times. Becoming successful — in whatever it is that we want to do — requires that we become good communicators and that starts with understanding and basic techniques that equal big results.
Learning how to communicate well starts with learning how to listen. Engage in active listening, and let the other person know that you truly hear what they are saying. Zero in on both the non-verbal cues you send to others, and start picking up on the cues they are sending to you as well. A lot of what we mean is hidden in what is unsaid. Be open to honest feedback and don’t fall for the faulty belief in “over-communication”. Fine-tune your timing and get comfortable speaking extemporaneously. Communicating effectively isn’t hard, it just takes a little practice. Stick to a simple approach and pack the important things at the start (and finish) of your points. You can become a better communicator today, but only if you get out there and strengthen your own skills.
