You’re giving away too much

Is your relationship all give and no take? These are the signs you’re may not be getting the love and respect you deserve.

by: E.B. Johnson

When it comes to relationships, what kind of balance do you usually strike? Are you normally the partner who assumes most of the emotional or manual labor? Do you show up to help out and do everything and anything you can to make the other person happy? What about your partners? Do they give you the same effort, energy, and attention?

Piecing together a life with someone else isn’t easy. It requires a lot of compromise and it requires us to look deep within, while asking some really tough questions. We have to work as a team and find better ways to approach one another and the adversity we face together. The strongest relationships aren’t about one-sided effort. They are partnerships that strike balance consciously every single day.

Relationships require give-and-take.

Some of us have been raised with very specific ideas of relationships, but these ideas aren’t what always works best for us. Intimate partnerships are a delicate balance, and one which requires a careful and measured give-and-take. We must consciously put in as much as effort and energy as our partners, and seek every day to live up to the expectations we have agreed to. A relationship is a responsibility. A responsibility that all parties involved share.

Romance doesn’t only involve the rush and the butterflies. When we choose to share our life with someone, we have to share the good with the bad and the easy with the hard. Sometimes, we’re putting effort into our partner while they deal with a challenge. They should always return that effort, though, and be there to support us when we need them.

If you’ve started putting your needs on the back-burner, or find that you’re forever the one leading the charge when it comes to intimacy, affection, or just plain-old support — it’s time to question where the balance lies. These are all common signs of someone who is giving more than they’re getting in their relationship? Are you unhappy? Do you know that things need to change? Then you need to tap into a deeper understanding and take action for yourself.

Signs you’re giving your partner too much.

Feeling exhausted, run down, or simmering with resentment? These are common signs that something is off in your relationship, or that you’re giving more than you’re getting from your partner. The first step in finding the balance again is taking off our rose-tinted glasses to see reality for what it really is.

The forever initiator

Most relationships typically have one person who initiates more than the other. When it comes to off-balance relationships, though, this initiation becomes a burden. When you’re the one who initiates everything in your relationship it takes a toll, gets old, and wears you down. From effort to affection — if it happens, it’s because you’ve done it yourself, or asked for it to be done. It removes a lot of the joy and spontaneity out of a partnership.

Abandoning needs

Where are you sitting right now on the self-care mountain? Do you regularly attend to your needs, or ensure you’re getting what you need from life and the experiences around you? If you answered no, it could be a sign you’re giving more than you’re getting. Do you always ensure your partner’s needs are met? Or, do you go out of your way to ensure everything in the environment is perfectly matched with their standards? This isn’t a healthy way to exist.

Endless exhaustion

Endless exhaustion is a common sign that you’re putting far too much into a relationship that’s not returning a profit. This occurs because of the amount of time and energy you spend cooking, cleaning, meeting your own responsibilities, and tending to the mental and emotional welfare of your other half. By gaining more independence and balance in our relationships, we can put some of this exhaustion to bed once and for all.

Alone at a crossroads

As a giving person, you’re probably the first one people call when they need help. This is especially true for our romantic partners. Though your partner might regularly lean on you for help, where are they when you need them most? Are they always there, ready to fight your corner? Or do they leave you stranded — looking for a way out? This is a common sign that you’re investing far more into your partner and relationship than the other person is.

Pushing boundaries

When we form relationships, we go through a process of developing and setting boundaries that communicate our expectations and protect our wellbeing. There’s a natural amount of testing that’s done here — both by ourselves and our partners. When the boundary lines are crossed, though, there have to be consequences. Otherwise, your partner will learn that it’s okay to disrespect you and take far more than they give in return.

Creating needy dependents

Are you someone who does everything for your partner? Do you cook for them? Clean the house? Do their laundry and any other service they might require? Believe it or not, you are harming your partner and your relationship. By becoming the physical laborer and the emotional whipping post, you are fostering dependence, incompetence, and poor character. You’re making it easier for them to stay unhealthy, and you’re making it possible for them to stay weak and unwell.

Seething with resentment

The longer you live in the shadow of someone else, the more you will begin to seethe with resentment and contempt. We all need our own space in a relationship, and we need our own space to shine. If you you begin to resent your partner as you wake up to the off-balance power dynamics, it’s often a sign that you’re realizing just how much you sacrificed (only to receive nothing in return).

Inability to grow

Do you feel like you’re stuck in a rut? Exerting a lot of energy in a lot of different directions, but still coming out with no growth and little to show for it? You may be struggling to thrive because you’re too busy sacrificing your time and energy in all the wrong ways and places. Maybe you’re living up to your partner’s dreams instead of your own, or exerting all your energy solving their endless problems and crises.

How to re-balance your relationship.

It’s unwise to do nothing once you realize adjustments need to be made. If you want a better relationship, you’re going to have to stand up for it and act proactively in regards to fixing things. Lean into your personal identity and reconnect with your needs so that you find the strength to put things right with your partner.

1. Lean into your personal identity

Our personal identities are a crucial component of our relationships, but we often allow them to disappear beneath the shadow of a new relationship. We need to know we who are, and we need to hold on to our authenticity and identity in a relationship. This is, after all, where we get our confidence from, our inspiration, and even the will to keep fighting for the future.

Who are you? It’s a question that has to be asked. Find a journal and a place where you can think and write (uninterrupted) for 5–10 minutes. Take time to really explore that question and all the subsequent questions that come with it. What do you want from life? What do you need from your partner and your environment?

Really dig deep into who you are. Reconnect with those things you love, those things which you don’t enjoy. Envision your future in radical, technicolor abandon and don’t hold back. Compare your current life against it. Are you who you want to be? Are you still in touch with those personal things which make you happy and excited about life away from your relationship?

2. Shift the way you prioritize partnerships

Do you consider your romantic relationships to be the most important thing in the world? Would you put your career on hold for one? Cut your family off, or move to the other side of the globe? While our romantic partnerships are important, they shouldn’t completely dominate or possess our idea of happiness. True joy is the perfect jewel — cut intentionally by hand, with many facets and different angles to celebrate. A relationship is just one of them.

Shift the way you prioritize intimate relationships and begin seeing them as a part of the puzzle…rather than the whole puzzle to be solved. No relationship is worth a total sacrifice of who you are and what you need. More often than not, if you’re over-sacrificing in a partnership, it’s because you believe that a relationship requires a complete and total surrendering of self.

Both you and your partner will unlock untold joy when you shift the way you see your relationship. Stop obsessing over it like a newborn child. Yes, our relationships are organic and alive. They grow on their own, however, with only minimal tending and consciousness needed in the right places. Once you pull back and realize that this partnership is only one piece of the garden, things will begin to open up to you. Shift the way you see relationships, and you’ll shift the balance of power in your partnership.

3. Make them show up for you

How often do ask for your partner’s help? How often do they show up for you? When they don’t show up — are there any consequences? When they let you down, do they still have access to you? Building relationships requires us to set boundaries, and one way we do that is by creating consequences for failing to do the right (and consciously promised) thing. Help make your partner show up for you by failing to pick up the slack.

Stop going above and beyond, day after day. Give yourself a break (you’re not a superhero). Stop picking up the slack your partner drops. Stop compensating for all the affection they don’t show or appreciation they fail to give. Make your partner show up for you by refusing to do all the physical and emotional work in the relationship.

Give what you’re comfortable giving and let go of the rest you feel compelled or pressured to give. Relationships are a team affair, not a solo sport. You shouldn’t have to burn yourself out or ignore your own needs to inspire affection, love, and gratitude. Once the conversations and the questions have failed, let your boundaries speak the words you don’t feel comfortable enough to speak. “I’m not doing this, it’s your turn.”

4. Have the tough talks the right way

Like it or not, you can’t get your relationship back on track without the committed effort and input of your spouse or loved one. Both of you have to see the flaws, and both of you have to take responsibility for the part you’ve played in the mistakes. Then, you can come together to find mutual solutions that lead to big transformations in happiness and connection.

If you feel as though you’re not being appreciated or getting what you need from your relationship — tell your partner. Don’t expect them to pick up on your subtle changes and don’t imagine that osmosis will allow them to absorb what’s going on inside your head and heart either. Sit down and have a candid dialogue.

There is a right way and a wrong way to open up. Be honest about how you’re feeling, or what your concerns are (and be honest if there’re any experiences that contribute to them). Keep it free of blaming language, though, and do everything you can to use phrases like “You did this…You did that..” Keep it detached and keep it factual. Explain your perspective and then leave room for your partner to do the same.

5. Fall in love with your right to be happy

Relationships are an important component in our lives and we love the people we build them with deadly. This does not mean, however, that they are always the person who is right for us. Love doesn’t have to follow common sense or reason. It’s a cosmic force that moves us against our better judgement. Beyond firming up your boundaries and learning how to speak candidly, you also need to fall in love with your right to be happy just as much as you love the other person.

Are you holding on to something that’s making you miserable or sick? Are you clinging to someone who has made it clear — time and time again — that they come first and you are just an afterthought? It’s time to fall in love with your divine right to live happily, in the comforting arms of someone who both loves and respects you (if you so choose).

Life is choice. You can either choose to stay with someone who has made it clear they are uninterested in change, or you can find a future you can be happy in. Reality is going to be what you make of it. Don’t stay chained in the same painful places when you don’t have to. Prioritize yourself. Prioritize your dreams, and your right to a future that you take up space in. If they refuse to work on things remember: you can be happy without them, and you have a right to that.

Putting it all together…

Romantic relationships are complicated and nuanced, and when we’re not careful, they can get thrown off-course and off-balance. Are you giving more to your partner than you are getting in return? Feelings of resentment and a completely abandoning of your own needs are common signs. If you want to get things back where they belong, you have to be honest. But you also have to commit to taking action in the name of both yourself and your relationship.

Allow yourself to lean back into your personal identity and that sense of authenticity. Revel in your own space and allow that to build the base of confidence that allows you to stand up for yourself. Re-prioritize your relationships. Sure, they’re important — but we can and do live without our partners. See a romance as a piece of your happiness…not the entire cake. Stop automatically going above and beyond any time you see slack in the relationship. Make them show up for you and use your boundaries to communicate what you expect. Sit down with our partner and have an honest conversation too. Let them know what’s going wrong, then work with them to come up with solutions that work for everyone. If they can’t respect your needs or refuse to participate, have enough self-respect to walk away and find someone who does. There is someone out there who will give you what you need, but you have to see to your own needs first.