The boundaries every relationship can benefit from

Want happier relationships? Set boundaries for yourself and your partner the right way.

by: E.B. Johnson

When it comes to creating happier, healthier partnerships there are few remedies more powerful than the simple act of setting boundaries. Our boundaries are the guidelines by which we direct the course of our wellbeing. They communicate to the world what behaviors we find acceptable and unacceptable, and they help us to display our expectations openly.

By setting boundaries, we can make it easier for us our partners to understand us. Likewise, it becomes easier to see things from their point of view when we know where their limits lie. In order to do that, however, we have to be honest with ourselves and honest with them. Beyond that, we also have to spend time on our own getting clear about the things that matter most to us in life and in love.

We benefit from the boundaries we set.

The idea of boundaries has become controversial in the concept of romantic love. For generations, we’ve been taught that true love means sacrifice — and that it especially involves a loss of self, or suffering in the name of your partner’s joy. This creates toxic precepts that perpetuate everything from abusive relationships to toxic imbalanced partnerships. In order to build better, happier, stronger relationships, we have to learn that boundaries are a good thing for everyone involved.

We benefit from the boundaries we set. You can think of boundaries like the fence around your happiness. These fences are clear and defensive, but they can get worn down over time if not maintained regularly. We build these protective boundary lines by getting clarity on what we want from our relationships, and we maintain them by finding the courage to stand beside them.

Stop allowing someone else to determine the course of your life. Stop allowing your partner to cross the line and gain hold of your emotions by hurting you and crossing the line time-and-time again. You can learn how to communicate more effectively with one another and therefore build a relationship that is more in line with the future you both envision. Find your courage and get in touch with those no-go limits that are beyond your ability to cope. The sooner you create boundaries, the sooner you can ride off into the sunset.

How boundaries bolster our relationships.

“Boundaries” isn’t a bad word. As a matter of fact, setting these limitations is one of the greatest and most nurturing things we can do for ourselves and our relationships. Our limits bolster our relationships in a number of ways. From lowering our stress, to creating a more equitable partnership.

Lowered stress

When expectations are clear and that makes it easier for both partners to function around one another, especially in moments of adversity. Think of it like having a cheat sheet. When life throws a pop quiz your way (i.e. cheating with an attractive co-worker) you can look at your cheat sheet for the answer as to what you should do. Does that cross the line for your partner? Then it’s a no-go. The answer really is that easy when you’re explicitly clear about your boundaries with one another. Clarity equals less stress.

Increased stability

Boundaries help to increase stability in our relationships, and they do this by making things more equitable and open. So often, the conflicts in our relationships are caused by crossing lines we never knew existed. This conflict creates divides and scars and that push and pull us away from one another. When we communicate our boundaries and expectations, we lessen these instances of conflict and thereby encourage greater stability.

Better understanding

Understanding our partners is key to building a life together, and a crucial part of piecing together essential compromises. When we understand one another, we feel better able to be vulnerable and compassionate. At the same time, our boundaries allow us to lay out what we expect clearly and explicitly — making it even easier to maneuver one another’s sensitivities, while aligning our values and objectives. Looking for a better understanding of one another? You need to clarify your boundaries.

More self-awareness

When you spend time getting clarity on your boundaries, it encourages greater self awareness (in both partners). As this self-awareness increases, so does emotional stability, confidence, and sense of purpose. All of these things come together to make you a better, stronger partner. This, in turn, enhances your relationship and can even help bolster the emotional and physical intimacy your partner share.

Enhanced respect

Boundaries make it clear to those around us that we demand respect. This is because they clarify the types of behaviors and patterns that we find acceptable and unacceptable in our environment. People respect someone who knows what they want, and they respect even more an individual who is able to stand up for themselves. The greater respect you have for yourself, the greater respect you will command from others…your romantic partners (especially) included.

Equality abounds

Our boundaries require self-love, and this helps us to make sure we keep our needs prioritized alongside those of our partners (rather than setting those things aside). This encourages equality in our relationships and discourages us from losing ourselves in the pursuit of someone else’s needs. In order to maintain this status-quo, however, you have to proactively seek to meet your own needs and stop looking to someone else to offer you fulfillment and value.

The boundaries that every relationship can benefit from.

There are a number of foundational boundaries that every relationship should seek to set. These range from how we engage in conflict, to the ways we connect in the bedroom. Nothing is off the table when it comes to sharing your life with someone, but some things are absolutely off limits when it comes to compromising or aligning our lifestyles.

Rules of engagement

Before you take the next step on the commitment-ladder, you need to consider how you and your partner are going to disagree. Because — make no mistake — you will disagree at some point. How are you going to fight and disagree with one another? What’s off limits? Are you willing to accept a partner who screams, storms out, or otherwise engages in over-the-top and emotional behavior? These are things you both need to consider, and they are also things that are crucial to set boundaries around.

Shareable limits

If you’re looking at a relationship, that’s phasing into the next step (like moving in, getting married, etc) then you have to think about what physical limits are important to you. What things are you actually willing to share? What are you not willing to share? Consider things like food, living space, bills, etc. Where do you need the limits to lie? Should everything be a 50/50 split? Are you happy for them to eat your yoghurt and take the last bag of chips? Figure out these superficial lines and you’ll avoid a lot of petty conflict.

Communication guidelines

You both need to figure out your communication guidelines and limits before you start taking your relationship anywhere serious. This means sitting down and figuring out what communication styles you have and how you want to use them. What things do you need to hear from your partner? What discussions are crucial to making sure you’re always on the same page. You need to be honest and open with one another, but there are always lines on personal boundaries and that includes the things we’re comfortable talking about.

Personal space or alone time

Though it can seem counter-intuitive — the strongest relationships are those in which both partners retain some personal space and individuality. Building a relationship should involve a melding of lives, but it shouldn’t involve a loss of identity. This means retaining who you are and being authentic to yourself. If you fail to retain individuality in your partnership, you can find that you fall for dangerous people who take advantage of you by pushing your limits.

Amount of effort

How much effort does your relationship require? Have you ever really considered it? Effort, of course, means the amount of work you and your partner are willing to put in. It’s crucial that we know where the split is, and it’s even more crucial that we learn to understand what split we need. This includes what you are and aren’t willing to do for one another; the amount of effort that’s going to be put into building your lives together.

Sexual border lines

Though our early relationships are passionate ones, we often go out of our way to avoid any real conversation about sex and where our intimate boundary lines lie. It is so important to ensure sexual compatibility, but part of ensuring that requires that we learn to open up and be explicitly clear with our partners about what we want from sexual intimacy. Don’t hold back. The more ambiguous you leave your sexual needs, the more likely you are to find yourself disappointed and resentful later on down the line.

Social media values

We live in the age of social media — like it or not — so this is now an important consideration that has to be made in the early stages of your relationship. Not everything belongs plastered at the top of a timeline. Some people prefer their privacy; not out of any malicious intentions, but simply because they are personal and private people. You need to be clear with one another about your social media habits and standards. Can you tolerate someone who is chasing the influencer game? Are you looking for time limits, or a little more privacy when it comes to status updates? Be honest and respectful.

Financial expectations

Finances are another seemingly taboo topic that we avoid addressing with our partners. Money matters, however, are vitally important if you are building a relationship. Consider your financial boundaries. Do you need a partner who supports themselves? Or are you okay helping a partner who isn’t on the same financial footing as you. What is the financial split in your partnership? Who pays for what? Setting financial boundaries these are all questions we need to answer for ourselves.

Friends and family needs

Make no mistake about it — the boundaries we set around friends and families are a vital part of healthy partnerships. This has many facets. It can include the boundaries that we set for in-laws, or for the social circles that come with your partner pre-relationship. How often is your MIL allowed to come around? Does the best buddy get keys to the house? On a different level, you need to set boundaries for your own families. What do those families look like? Is it important to have children? Or to avoid them entirely? Know where your own family limits lie.

How to build better boundaries in your partnerships.

Are you ready to set better boundaries for yourself and your relationships? You can take action today by getting clear on what you want, communicating your expectations, sticking up for yourself, and cultivating the confidence and self-respect to stick up for the things you both want and need in this life.

1. Be clear on what you want

The first step in building better boundaries is to spend some time getting clear on what you really want and expect from your life (and you partnerships). This isn’t a straight-forward process, and there’s no one singular way to do it. All that’s required is to spend some time on your own, really gaining clarity on what you want your future to look like. You have to question yourself and have to the courage to answer honestly when you ask, “Who do I want to be with?”

Start by spending a few minutes each day focusing on your future. Build a very detailed and specific vision of who you want to be, where you want to work, and who you want to share your life with. Ask yourself how you want to be treated, what you want your family life to look like. Leave no stone unturned. Consider your life 10, 20, and even 50 years into the future.

You can’t allow this process to be influenced by other people. You can’t allow society to dictate the vision of a partner you’re building. Be real. Consult that authentic core self that lives inside you. This allows you to build a more accurate picture. Write these things down, or etch them on the edge of your heart. These answers will provide the insight that allows you to decide where your boundary lines are going to lie now and in the future.

2. Exchange your expectations

Whether you are already in a relationship, or you’re on the way to forming a new one, it’s crucial that you communicate these boundaries to your partners early on. By exchanging our boundaries with one another, we lay out the expectations that allow us to function within a life with one another. It also makes it easier to understand one another, and to align our visions of the future together.

Once you’ve got a clear handle on how you expect your partner to behave, you need to communicate those boundaries with them and leave room for them to do the same. Let them know what’s off limits when it comes to living with you, but also respect that they’re going to respond with the same no-go zones of their own.

It’s important to engage in this process as early as possible. As hard as it might be to accept, not all boundaries can be aligned with those of our partners. If the things you expect sexually or emotionally are too varied — you’re going to run into heartache and heartbreak. It’s just as crucial to align our boundaries as it is to align our integrity and goals for the future.

3. Maintain when lines get crossed

Our boundaries are useless if we do nothing to enforce them when the line gets crossed. Like it or not, there has to be a consequence or hurting you, or delving into places that inflict pain and discomfort. This isn’t to say we need to engage in Draconian or petty shows of emotional displeasure. Rather, we have to learn how to better communicate to our partners when they’ve crossed the line and crossed the limit with us.

If your partner has gone beyond the realm of what’s expected (in the worst possible way) — confront them and let them know how you’re feeling and why. Keep it factual and free of blame, but keep it clear. Expect a reaction from your partner and expect them to cross the line — whether knowingly or unknowingly — at some point.

Again, there’s no right or wrong answer when it comes to enforcing your boundaries, but you should avoid anything that creates more drama, conflict, or insecurity. Be mature. Keep your head. Make it clear, however, that your presence is optional and dependent on building with a partner who respects you and treats you as their equal. Maintain when lines get crossed, and use this maintaining to cultivate a greater sense of self-confidence and self-respect.

4. Cultivate confidence and self-respect

The level of confidence and self-respect we have for ourselves is another key piece of setting boundaries. If you suffer from low self-esteem, odds are you will build relationships in which the other person is allowed to trample all over what you want and what you need. When you love yourself (truly love yourself) — you’re unwilling to accept this behavior and better equipped to stand up for yourself with dignity and self-respect.

Focus on rebuilding the way you see yourself. Embrace the knowledge that you are enough just as you are, and that the things you want for yourself and your family are valid. Fall in love with your strengths and your weaknesses and see how they come together to create the unique and beautiful person that you are.

There’s nothing wrong with loving you. There’s nothing wrong with making your desires and your needs just as important as those of the people whom you love. Stand up for yourself. Say no more often and more fervently. Look to your future and fill yourself with the confidence and comfort of that dream. The longer you give in and let people rule over your boundary lines, the longer you will be separated from that future you envision for yourself.

5. Move on when things aren’t right

Boundaries only work when we build them and then maintain them. This doesn’t mean pointing out when someone crosses the line. And it also doesn’t mean allowing them to trample over the line time-and-time-again with only minimal consequences. Sometimes, it means standing up for yourself in the most powerful of ways and taking action to move on when things aren’t right (or you aren’t being respected).

Have enough self-respect to walk away when you’ve found yourself stuck with someone who has no respect for you. If they continually disregard your mental, physical, emotional or sexual boundary lines — they are habitual abusers who will do whatever they want, whenever they want.

Would you allow your best friend or your sibling to settle for someone like that? Would you allow them to be disrespected and disregarded when it came to their needs? No. So why, then, do you allow yourself to be treated and disregarded in that way? You alone have the power to safeguard your boundaries, and sometimes that means walking away from the habitual disregarders.

Putting it all together…

Though many of us have been raised to see boundaries as something reserved for the ultra-powerful, they are a crucial part of every relationship we cultivate. Our boundaries help to communicate our expectations, but they also make it easier to respect and understand one another. If you want to build better partnerships, you have to start with your boundary lines.

Before you commit and invest in life with another person, spend some time getting clear on where your boundary lines lie. Consider what you want from life and consider too what you’re absolutely not willing to accept in your environment. You have a right to these things, and so do your partners. Once you’re both clear on your limitations, communicate them honestly and explicitly with one another. Don’t hold back. The more honest you are, the better you can understand one another. When lines get crossed, stick up for yourself and follow-through on any consequences promised. Talk things out. Have enough confidence and self-respect, however, to recognize when someone is making the conscious choice to disrespect you. Your boundaries should be respected, no exceptions. When it’s time to walk away — do it. Only then will you have the ability to discover the person you were always meant to be.