Get out of the zombie zone to get into a fulfilling relationship

If you truly want that happily ever after, you’ve got to get yourself out of the zombie zone.

by: E.B. Johnson

Though we traditionally think of dating as teddy bears and boxes of chocolate, creating modern relationships is actually a much more strange and complex thing. It’s full of all kinds of up’s and down’s and in-between’s, with no small amount of heartbreak in-between. Healthy partnerships require communication, respect and a lot of mindful intent, but that’s not always possible and it’s not always easy. With things like “ghosting” and “zombie mode” always on the table. It’s hard to stay straight when you’re dating, but it’s necessary in order to be happy.

The bad habits that we manifest in our romantic relationship stem from a variety of places including childhood trauma and gradually learned behaviors and avoidances. They all have one thing in common, however — they destroy the deep and meaningful bonds that we share with others, making it possible to create lasting relationships that contribute to our overall wellbeing and happiness. Getting past these hangups is necessary in order to create the fulfilling and lasting relationships we so desperately crave. Doing that is a process, however, and one that takes some serious introspection.

Modern dating is so d*mn hard.

Modern dating is hard, and maintaining a modern relationship can be even more difficult. Relationships are complex and dynamic, with a number of moving pieces that can make it hard to keep track. Through all the stress and all the pressure of finding “the one”, we can find ourselves with some not-so-pleasant relationship habits that make it hard to connect with ourselves, let alone anyone else.

Dating is all about finding someone that we can not only spend time with, but also work toward a shared future with. Life is hard, but it’s made easier when the burden of the journey is shared with someone that wants the same things from their future. Finding that person takes a lot of digging, but it also requires a lot of getting it wrong in order to get it right. The more people you date, the greater your chances of finding the right person; but that can result in pain, insecurity and heartache that makes it difficult to open up.

If we truly want to create that “happily ever after” we have to learn to stop doing things like ghosting or going full-zombie in our relationships. Only when we give the same care and respect that we desire will we get it in return. That takes digging, however, and that takes cultivating an intimate understanding of who we are and what we need from both our partners and ourselves. The journey isn’t short, but it is worthwhile. Once we identify what it is we are doing wrong — we can easily set it to rights.

The worst modern relationship behaviors we need to fix.

If we’re looking to be happy and fulfilled, we have to start first by correcting the thought and behavior patterns within ourselves that keep leading us into failed relationships. There are a number of ways we can damage ourselves and our partners, and they aren’t limited just to things like infidelity or emotional abuse. Walking away with no explanation can be just as painful, and going into “zombie mode” will leave you stuck and scared. Getting past these bad habits starts with understanding and why we use them like we do.

Zombie-ing

Going into “zombie mode” is one of the most toxic relationship patterns we engage it, and it’s one of the most common ones that prevent us from finding real happiness. A zombie relationship refers to one in which an ex (who is both toxic and unfulfilling) resurrects a broken relationship over and over again, with the same terrible results. This isn’t to say the experience is a dead one. Though the feelings involved with a zombie relationship can seem full-on and real, the longterm results are always disappointing and defeating for all parties involved.

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is an easy pattern to fall into — especially if you’re someone with avoidance issues, or a problem saying “no”. Just as in the famous Hansel and Gretel fairytale, breadcrumbing occurs when we lead someone on or are lead on by someone else. This might entail periods of flirtatious online behavior, or light touching and empty promises that are based intentionally around deception more than anything else. It’s playing with someone else’s emotions in a way that is neither fair nor consensual, and it almost always comes at a heavy cost.

Haunting

Haunting is an interesting (yet extremely toxic) form of dating pattern that can leave us truly stuck, insecure and unhappy. A bit like ghosting, haunting occurs when someone you’re romantically interested in disappears with no explanation, only to reappear later (at a more convenient time for them) behaving as though nothing is wrong. It’s a complete disregard for the emotions of the other person, and a cyclic behavior that can lead to on-again-off-again relationships that are extremely dangerous and toxic.

Ghosting

If you’re someone who’s jumped into the dating pool in the last 10 years, then you might be familiar with the term “ghosting”. Ghosting occurs when someone you’re flirting with, dating or “talking to” disappears with no explanation. That means they don’t answer calls, they don’t answer texts. They might even block you on social media or disconnect them altogether. It’s disappearing from the lives of others with no explanation, and it’s extremely hurtful and toxic — no matter what end of the behavior you end up on.

Why we keep ourselves from happy relationships.

We don’t just wake up and decide to become bad partners. Though it’s easy to believe that the person who ghosted us is the devil, the truth is often far more complex than that. When we engage in such toxic dating patterns, it’s often because we’re dealing with complex emotions and concepts that are hard to internalize and ingest. Be it fear, self-care gone bad or straight-up conflict avoidance — there’s often more than meets the eye when it comes to our bad relationship exit choices.

Fear

As humans, fear is hardwired into our systems…and for good reason. Fear keeps us from doing things that might hurt us (both physically and emotionally) but it also can prevent us from doing things that might benefit us. The unknown is always scary, but dealing with that fear is crucial. When it’s not addressed bravely and radically, it can lead to poor relationship behaviors like ghosting and zombie-ing; both of which are damaging both to ourselves and any potential partners we might meet along the way.

Self-care

Self-care is an important component of life, but it’s possible to take it too far. When someone is causing negativity in your life, the first reaction is to cut them out clean. This isn’t always the right answer, however, and sometimes we have to force ourselves to act a bit more considerately. Having consideration of others is important, and engaging our compassion is especially important no matter what stage of our relationship we find ourselves in. People deserve respect, and that includes explanations when we’re no longer feeling it, or we want to walk away.

Lack of consequences

One of the biggest reasons we engage in negative relationship habits like ghosting and haunting is because we feel as though there are a lack of consequences — especially in a new relationship. Knowing someone for just a short amount of time can cause us to feel as though there is little at stake emotionally, but that’s not necessarily true. Walking out of someone’s life with no explanation is painful, no matter how long you have known them.

Avoidance

Humans are instinctually social, and — for many — social bonds form some of the most crucial foundations in our lives. As such, it can be hard to engage in conflict, or confront someone emotionally; especially since we’re so emotional ourselves. Likewise, if you’re someone who has experienced a lot of hardship or trauma in your life, conflict avoidance might be the only way you know how to deal with things. Leading you to bounce out of relationships without a word, before you can be hurt or damaged any further.

How to overcome our bad relationship habits.

There are a number of ways we can get past these toxic dating habits that are leaving us unhappy, but they all require us to look within — rather than without. We are our biggest enemy, and we see that through brutal honesty and radical self-acceptance. You can become a better, braver version of the partner that you are now. It’s just going to require you to commit and embrace the journey.

1. Get past the past

Though we don’t like to admit it, our pasts have a lot to do with our presents.Even when we don’t realize it, the toxic relationship patterns we learn in childhood repeat over and over — so we have to take a good long look at those patterns and resolve them in order to stop them once and for all.

Sit down and take a good long look at your relationships past and present. Be brutally honest with yourself and take responsibility for the decisions and actions that led you to where you are. Consider what things from your past you’re still working on, and root out the issue until it’s fully at rest and at peace in your mind.

Mindful journaling practices are great for helping us get in touch with the traumas and emotions of our childhood in a safe space, but it’s also sometimes to consult a mental health professional. However you resolve your past, all that matters is that you do. Take small steps and work out your traumas one piece at a time. It took time to get you to this point, it will take time to get back. Accept that. Embrace the challenge. Move forward.

2. Forgive yourself

Though we play a huge role in the destruction of our partnerships, we have to learn how to forgive ourselves in order to make any real or meaningful change in any facet of our lives. Only when we forgive can we cultivate enough internal peace to rationally and honestly analyze our behavior for what it is and what it means to us (and to others).

No one is perfect — ourselves included. While some things are our fault, not everything is. So, we have to be brave enough to forgive ourselves for the missteps and let go of the rest. Forgive yourself for the pains and hurts of your childhood. Forgive yourself for the harsh words and the late nights and let go of other people’s baggage.Everyone has something in their past they’re ashamed of. Everyone has said something that they regret.

You’re not special in your pain or your self-loathing. If you want to get healthy you have to get past the hang-up’s that cause you to ghost and to zombie out, then you have to forgive yourself. Our subconscious mind might bring us to some dark places, but it can be mastered with some self-determination. Make the choice to forgive yourself and make the choice every single day.

3. Familiarize with your patterns

Having an intimate knowledge of your patterns is key in defeating the negative habits that undermine our romantic partnerships. When we take a step back and take a good, hard look at our record of behaviors and decision-making, we can start to pinpoint the traits, characteristics and even symptoms that plague our spree of bad relationships.

Be brutally honest about your track record and write down the things that seem to follow when you find your romances self-destructing. Asking yourself a few questions can be key in identifying the negative patterns that keep you lonely and miserable, but honesty is critical (and often the hardest part of the process).

Really think about your relationships and how you react to them — be they old or new; romantic or platonic. Consider what they all have in common, and consider too any warning signs that you might have missed (or red flags that you might have ignored within yourself or your partner). Identifying triggers can help you to avoid similar behaviors and situations in future, and learn how to control the nasty reactions you have when someone gets too close.

4. Get clear on your feelings

Our emotions are a hard mountain to tackle, so — more often than not — we don’t; opting instead to ignore the way we feel as we stumble blindly from one faulty relationship to the next. It’s understandable. Our emotions are linked closely to some of our most vulnerable moments, but they have to be dealt with in order to define what we want from life.

Find a nice and quiet pace where you’ll be uninterrupted and take your emotional temperature when you’re feeling pressed. Ask yourself questions like, “What is the biggest emotion that I am feeling right now in this moment?” Describe it to yourself, and don’t hold back from any aspect of the emotion you’re experiencing. If you can only come up with vague answers like “fine,” dig a little deeper. More often than not, these cloudy or murkystates of being come down to our own resistance to take an unflinching look at what’s actually lurking beneath.

Both our negative emotions and our positive emotions contribute to our safety and happiness. Exclusion will do nothing to safeguard your wellbeing, but it will serve to alienate you from your truest and highest nature. Getting on a healthy footing with our emotions takes time, but it also takes some digging. Once we get to the bottom of why we’re feeling the way we are, we can move forward to make the most out of our emotions and the opportunities for emotional and romantic fulfillment that are brought before us.

5. Accept and re-focus on the future

If you truly want to be happy in your relationships, you have to start practicing radical self-acceptance every single day. This starts with accepting yourself for who and what you are, but it ends with accepting the people around you as they are, and your past for what it was. If you want to become a better partner or dater, acceptance is everything, but it’s often one of the hardest skills for us to master.

Stop complaining or dwelling on the things that happened in your past, and start finding solutions for the future. If you attracted serial cheaters and abusers, look inside and find what it is that’s attracted to those qualities and heal it. When you complain, you waste your energy. If you’re going to direct your energy anywhere, direct it toward things you can change — like the future — instead of wasting it on the past.

Learn how to let the beauty of life back in, and understand that every single one of us is imperfect. Allow for mistakes, and allow yourself the time and space you need to accept the things that hurt you and caused you distress. A little distance will help you let go, but only acceptance can set you free. Give yourself that power by learning how to accept what was, what is and what comes next.

6. Learn and apply

Forgiving yourself is only one part of the process. You also have to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and accelerate forward past your mistakes and missteps. Take the lessons that you’ve learned and know that you’ll make the right decisions moving forward. Learn to identify the triggers that bring you back to your worst habits and instincts, and know the difference between a healthy response and one that is caught up in things that are no-more.

If you need to, keep a journal and record all your revelations and realizations there. When you feel the fear or emotion building up in you, turn to your journal and record how you’re feeling and what’s making you feel that way. Rather than just heading for the hills, take a step back and analyze how you’re really feeling so you can apply and adjust accordingly.

All the experiences we undergo — the good and the bad — are worthless if we don’t take from them some kind of lesson that can make us a better version of ourselves. Sometimes, the only silver lining in a bad or terrifying situation is the knowledge we can take from it and carry into the future. As humans, we have the unique ability to observe, analyze, learn and re-apply. The same goes for our relationships. Take all that pain and fear from your past and apply it to your tomorrow.

Putting it all together…

Dating has never been easy, but it’s even more complex in this increasingly-digital world. If we want to create new and fulfilling relationships, we have to learn to let go of the pain of our pasts and embrace the beauty of the future we’re building. We can do this by getting familiar with our most toxic dating patterns, while cultivating the understanding we need to re-write them into behaviors that stick. The only person who has the power to change us is ourselves, but that’s a journey that takes some radical self-acceptance.

You have to get past your past if you want to start defeating your negative dating patterns. Face up to the pain that keeps you stuck and scared, and embrace that it happened and embrace who you are now. Forgive yourself for any part you may have played, and forgive those who hurt you (then and now). Only when you accept who you are — radically and unapologetically — can you cultivate the courage to navigate the turbulent waters of dating. Familiarize with your patterns, and get clear on how you’re really feeling. Accept what you can control and what you can’t, and re-focus on the things that really want in and from the future that you’re building. Relationships can be hard and complex, but they can be both physically and emotionally rewarding too. Take the lessons of your past and apply it to the relationships you want in future. Let go of that fear and embrace the new tomorrow that’s waiting for you just around the corner. You’re the only one who can.