The essential ingredients of forgiveness
Forgiveness is a dish best served with these essential elements.
by: E.B. Johnson
Forgiveness is a gift, an act, a way of being. It’s the means by which we release our pain and let go of the things that no longer suit our journey. If you’re struggling with wounds that just won’t seem to heal, you’ve got to kickstart that healing with forgiveness. That takes time, though, and an intimate understanding of what true forgiveness looks like, inside and out.
Get to the root of your forgiving state by learning how to define forgiveness on your own terms, even while taking a deep dive in the immense benefits that letting go can provide you. Cultivate the essential elements of a forgiving spiritst and get past the initial injury by applying action to your sense of self. Forgive yourself and achieve the peace you’re so desperately seeking a way past the negativity and the pain.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is many different things. It can be a gift or a charitable act of kindness. It can be a healing process and a journey to self discovery. Forgiveness has different meanings to many different people, but true forgiveness is all about one thing: letting go of the things that no longer suit you in the most gracious way possible.
True forgiveness is not only an act, it is a state of being — one which allows us to tap back into that authentic sense of self that guides us peacefully toward the future we deserve. It’s how we fix broken things and bring new life to old things, and it’s one of the best and truest ways to heal ourselves.
Forgiveness is for us as much as it is for anyone else. Though it’s important to forgive those who do us wrong, it’s even more important to give ourselves the gift of true forgiveness, so that we can move past all the internalized guilt and shame from our childhoods and find our way back to the pure and lasting happiness we all need in order to thrive.
The benefits of forgiving.
There are a number of benefits to wielding forgiveness in your life, but it takes some digging to embrace that perspective. From better heart health to a complete shift in behaviors — these are the most life-changing ways forgiving ourselves (and others) can boost of sense of self and happiness.
Positive behaviors
When we practice forgiveness, we actually give ourselves permission to behave better; going so far as to put an end to self-destructive patterns and habits, thanks to our renewed happiness and self-realization. Those who forgive have been shown to participate more often in volunteer and charity events, and they’ve also been shown to donate and engage in incredibly altruistic behaviors. Forgiveness empower us to feel more positive, and though that we are able to act more positively.
Heart strengths
Practicing forgiveness is literally good for your heart. According to one study from the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, those who forgive were show to have lower heart rates and lower blood pressure — indicating they experienced less stress in their lives.
Positive thoughts
While forgiveness might be good for you heart, it’s good for the rest of your body (and mind) as well. A study showed that forgiveness actually interlinked with the 5 measures of health, enhancing or diminishing things like: physical aches, medication use, sleep quality, fatigue and psychosomatic issues. When forgiveness was practiced, participants experienced noticeable increases in their overall happiness, as well as better ability to manage conflict, and an improvement in their overall stress levels.
The essential elements of forgiveness.
When it comes to forgiving someone — or ourselves — it’s not as simple as mumbling some words. True forgiveness is both an action and a process, and one that takes 5 essential elements in order to truly land. If you’re truly looking to forgive, focus on these fundamental ingredients and the positive results they can yield.
Love and agreeableness
When we love others (and ourselves) it makes it easier to extend forgiveness, and approach unpleasant situations with understanding and respect. Those who run high in tendencies for love and agreeableness are more likely to forgive because they are more positively inclined toward others. Our capacity for love is a huge indicator of our capacity for forgiveness.
Compassionate views
Being able to focus on the welfare of others is a great gift, and one that can also indicate your ability to forgive others. Our approaches to life are important, and they play a great deal in our healing and resolutions. When you’re someone who looks out for other people, or when you’re someone with generally compassionate views, it makes it easier to let go of the hurts that no longer suit your journey.
Emotional stability
Our emotional lives are a major part of who we are, and they form a major part of how we approach hard times and hard situations. If you find yourself in emotional turmoil, it’s hard to forgive or find the resolution you need to move on. Emotional stability, however, makes us less prone to fits of negative emotions and therefore more likely to forgive those who hurt our feelings or do us wrong.
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to think, feel and care about others and their emotions and experiences. It’s understanding that we all see things differently and we all feel things differently. It’s an important skill to have, and it makes us more or less likely to forgive others. When you are someone who empathizes greatly with others, it’s easier to let go of hurts and wrongs and forgive those who are either in or out of your life.
Genuineness
There are those of us who seek out relationships and friendships because we value connection, but there are those who form relationships out of a desire to use or pivot themselves to a better place or station. When we’re genuine, it shows, and it also indicates a predisposition toward forgiveness. True forgiveness happens only when we truly know who we are and what we want from not just ourselves, but others around us.
How to forgive when it feels like you can’t let go.
Forgiveness is a process, and one that takes as much internal work as it does external work. If you’re truly looking to forgive (both yourself and others) then you have to start by moving past the injury and shifting your perspective and the way you approach conflict and negativity.
1. Get past the initial injury
One of the shortcuts to finding forgiveness in your heart for others, is learning to look past the injury to the hurt and pain beneath. Negative experiences have a way of sucking up all our attention, but when we take a step back we often see things aren’t as devastating as they initially appear.
Hurt people hurt other people. When someone else wounds you, it is most often because they themselves have been wounded in some way. Learn how to look at the pain inflicted by others as a symptom of their own pain, rather than just an injustice that must be righted no matter what.
Forgive the other person for their sake, rather than your own. Cultivate your compassion by learning that wounded people lash out, looking for their own healing or some outlet of relief that can make them feel better. Their pain is not your pain, but you have to forgive them in order to truly master that concept.
2. Be the bigger person
Sometimes, the best way to heal and justify the wrongs done against you is to live a life that is beautiful and above reproach. Be the bigger person. Learn how to forgive because forgiveness is good. Learn how to forgive yourself because it is the best thing to do for you and the future you want to build.
Forgiveness is a journey with an end that is both finite and beautiful. By its very nature, it’s a virtuous concept, and through we can learn much about our selves and our place in this world among the people we love. Forgiveness is an act of love; toward ourselves and toward others. It’s the ultimate charity, and for that reason alone it should be exercised gratuitously.
Drop the motivations. Drop the need to be right or the need to get them to see things from your perspective. Forgive them because you need healing. Forgive them because it is the right thing to do. Forgive because it’s the only way you’re going to find release from that ache and that pain that’s plaguing your heart all day long. Be the bigger person — don’t wait for someone to force you into that role.
3. Forgive yourself
When we speak forgiveness, we’re so quick to jump into the external situations and people that wound us or cause us stress. While it’s important to forgive these people and these things, it’s most important to start our journey to forgiveness with ourselves. If you can’t forgive yourself, it’s impossible to truly forgive someone else. You have to practice what you preach and you have to start that practice with yourself.
Forgive yourself for the missteps and mistakes; the poor judgement calls and the people who you placed your trust in wrongly. Understand that none of us is perfect (no matter how much we might pretend otherwise) — and understand that you will continue to make mistakes. That’s just human nature.
Our forgiveness is a choice, but it’s also a skill that has to be practiced and honed internally until we are ready to share it with others. Forgiveness is for yourself, as much as it is for anyone else, so give that give to yourself and practice radical forgiveness on you for a change. Being able to let go will allow you to let go of all that anger and hurt that is bubbling down inside, but you have to dig down deep to get there.
4. Only fix fixable things
When we’ve been hurt, it can often be easier to walk away than to spend time cleaning up the mess. Walking away can cause us to miss out on some truly special opportunities, however, so it’s important to know when forgiveness is the answer.
Some relationships are worth fixing, but it takes our forgiveness to get back there. If someone has wronged you, try to look past the hurt and see any potential that might still be lurking beneath the surface. Not all relationships can be mended, but some can. Take a step back and honestly assess what you want and what you have before you. Don’t waste time mending things that aren’t mendable.
We often need to forgive others not only for ourselves, but for the future of our relationships. Every circumstance is different, but some circumstances require our grace and fortitude when it feels like all we can do is quit. We can become teams in our pain, or enemies; the choice really comes down to how we choose to approach the situation.
5. Talk about it
It’s been scientifically proven that talking about our pain helps us to reconcile it in our hearts and in our minds. More than that, it’s also been proven that this speaking out about the things that have gone wrong also empowers us to help others — something there isn’t enough of in this world.
True forgiveness can be reached when we use our pain to empower others. Sometimes, we never get a chance to reconcile our hurts with the people that have hurt us. In those instances, it’s important to find our own path through forgiveness by reaching out a hand to others who have also experienced pain.
If you truly want to reduce your suffering in this life, try reducing the suffering of others. When we give of ourselves, we allow ourselves to see the good that really lies in our hearts, and we are able to then forgive ourselves when we are not able to forgive the ones who hurt us. Try it. It feels good to do good.
6. Get into self-care
In the first days and weeks following a conflict or act of forgiveness, self-care is important. When we’re faced with difficult situations, it can be tempting to roll over and give in to the negativity, but those behaviors are usually self-defeating and toxic. You might think that binge eating and binge drinking are going to make you feel better, but they won’t. Practicing a little self-care and compassion, though? That will.
Conflict and the resulting cycle of fallout and forgiveness can cause a lot of measurable stress in our lives. Within days of a serious fight or discussion with someone, our bodies receive an influx of the hormone cortisol, which can cause us to gain weight, sleep poorly and even have digestive issues.
In order to combat these negative effects (and make it easier for you to stop thinking about the person who broke your heart) you can practice a little self-care by getting plenty of sleep, eat clean, healthy foods or starting a mindful journaling practice. It’s also helpful to get outside and move or exercise to get more feel-good endorphins going in your body again.
7. Choose to be the best version of yourself
True forgiveness requires us to find ourselves in ways that are both unique and occasionally uncomfortable. Unless we know ourselves and are confident in who we are and what we want, it’s impossible to communicate our desires (efficiently) to the outside world. Kick this process of self-discovery off by choosing to become the best possible version of yourself.
Remember what it is that makes your heart sing and what it is that makes you unique. Explore those things and find new things that lift your spirits or help you connect to your authentic self in meaningful ways. Engaging your mind with new hopes, goals and dreams will allow you to replace the old ones (and memories of your partner too) and the best part about it is that there’s no wrong way to go about it.
There’s a whole world of exciting and invigorating activities (and new friends) out there just waiting for you, but you have to pick up the pieces and get out there to find them. Opportunity is generous, but she also moves quick. Take hold of her by putting yourself out there while becoming the best version of yourself you can be. When you are the best version of yourself, you can always rest on the peace of mind that — no matter what else happens — you’re putting your best foot forward and operating at your 100%.
Putting it all together…
There are many different types of forgiveness and many different ways in which to practice forgiveness with others and ourselves. True forgiveness starts with an understanding (both internal and external) and it ends with recognizing what it is you need in order to thrive.When we truly forgive others — and ourselves — we give ourselves persmission to step forward into a happy future. It takes time to get there, though, and a lot of determination.
Get past the initial injury and start being the bigger person. What happened to you might have been hard, but it’s in the past. Forgive yourself, move on and only focus on fixing the things in your life or relationship that are actually fixable. Open up and talk about it once you’re ready, and look to shift your perspective if you’re still having a hard time moving on. Focus on self-care routines that help you detach, process and move on in a healthy way, but never forget the one biggest way to forgive not just yourself, but the people that have wronged you as well: get your revenge by being the best version of yourself you can possibly be. Nothing will help you move on faster and more efficiently than that. Be the best version of you and create the best version of your life that you can.
