The best ways to deal with resentment in your relationship

Partnerships aren’t always peaceful. This is how to deal with the resentment that can arise in the wake of conflict.

by: E.B. Johnson

Our relationships form an important cornerstone of our lives, but this does not mean that they cannot be fraught by hardship, conflict, and anger. Whenever we encounter adversity as a couple, it’s important that we keep the bridges of communication and empathy open and working. Losing sight of these elements — more often than not — results in bubbling contempt and resentment that drives us away from our loved ones and further into our own negative thoughts and beliefs.

If you want to preserve your intimate relationships, you have to learn to deal honestly (and openly) with any resentment or contempt you encounter. While this might be uncomfortable, it is normal. As humans, it’s only natural to find ourselves jealous, angry, or otherwise frustrated when we see other people thriving beyond this. In order to build happy relationships that last, though, we have to move past these tendencies and move toward our higher calling of love, empathy, and understanding.

Resentment is more common than you think.

Resentment — at its most basic level — is a deep-seated irritation or anger which occurs when we’ve been treated unfairly. This perceived injustice can occur when we see others get the things we want, or even when we see other people get treated better than we perceive ourselves to be treated. It’s common, especially in the wake of conflict, and it simply means that we want better for ourselves, or that our boundaries were “nudged”.

To experience a little resentment from time to time is normal. The true revealer is in how you decide to deal with that resentment. If you ignore it — leave it to fester — it can turn into a toxic sore that poisons your relationship and the love you have for one another. When you embrace it, however, detach from it, and focus on your own growth it disappears and becomes little more than a laughable memory.

It’s okay to feel a little resentful from time to time, but you need to address that feeling and get it out in the open if you don’t want it to destroy your partnership. This requires honest communication, as well as a willingness to look deep at your own insecurities or lack of understanding and compassion. What are the signs of this resentment, though? How do we know when it’s come knocking on door of our coupledom? There are a number of signs to look out for, and they range from lacking intimacy, to a need and desire to punish.

Signs of resentment in your relationship.

Because resentment is such a complex emotion, it can often manifest from a number of different sources and in a number of different ways. No one relationship or marriage is the same as the next, so we can exhibit these signs of anger and contempt differently depending on how we’re feeling or what we need.

Shriveling affection

Affection is important in most relationships, and allows us to communicate our need, desire, and attraction for one another. This affection can be physical, but most of it occurs in the realm of mental and emotional support. We all need a shoulder to cry on from time-to-time, but when resentment comes calling — we often pull that shoulder away. Noticed shriveling affection in your relationship? Unaddressed resentment could be to blame.

Pervasive sadness

Is there a pervasive sadness that’s ruining your partnership? Do you feel hopelessness, or as though you are endlessly disappointed by the person your partner has become? It’s important to listen to feelings like sadness when it comes to our relationships. Even if we can’t identify the root cause, this emotion has a source and is leading us toward a truth we need to acknowledge. Whether we realize it or not, this sadness (rather than anger) can indicate a seething resentment or desperate brokenness.

Inability to celebrate

Do you and your partner struggle to celebrate one another? When you scored that big promotion, did your partner make excuses or find a way to downplay your achievements? This inability to celebrate can often be traced back to some simmering resentment that has yet to be shown to the light of day. More namely, your partner might be feeling insecure, or as though they aren’t succeeding at the same rate as you. If this happens, resentment is usually not far behind.

Increased conflict

While it is normal for every couple to disagree from time to time, all-out battle royale on a regular basis are never good. This surge in conflict makes it hard for us to be compassionate with one another, or understand where the other person is coming from. Likewise, an increase in the small or inconsequential battles you fight can also indicate underlying resentment. Little, petty arguments (while also normal) increase when we feel as though we aren’t getting something that we need or want from our partnerships.

Withholding intimacy

Have you or your partner started withholding intimacy whenever things go south? Do you feel as though they’re never in the mood anymore? Or as though you’re living with more of a roommate than a spouse, or a lover? Crumbling intimacy is one of the most common indicators of unaddressed resentment. Being angry with someone can lead to a certain shutting down that makes it impossible to open up anywhere, including the bedroom.

Shutting down and out

Happy couples make plans together and go out of their way to spend time alone experiencing life and facets of one another. A partner who has begun withdrawing from the relationship or the experiences you normally shared could be someone who is dealing with underlying contempt. If they don’t notice when you do anything (good or bad), and they shut down (refusing to take the time to build memories with you)…they might have something else going on.

Dwelling on the small stuff

Do you and your partner get aggravated with one another over all the small stuff? Is one of you constantly looking for little things to nitpick one another on, or small mistakes to dwell on? All of these are common indicators of built-up resentment, and a need to express the disappointment or anger you’re feeling toward your loved one. The sooner you communicate these truths, the sooner you can get back to some sense of equilibrium.

Loaded conversations

What’s the quality of conversation in your relationship? Do you and your significant other communicate regularly and openly? When you do, is that communication easy and willing? If you open up to one another and discover it usually ends up in harsh words — or loaded conversations that end up doing more damage in the long run — resentment may be behind it. Perhaps you don’t speak to one another and you don’t listen to one another. As a result, no one feels heard and the contempt only grows.

Hoping for the worst

Once the resentment has gotten into your core, you may find that the rot eats away at the love and empathy you have for your partner (and your relationship). When we hit this plateau, it results in a need to push buttons in order to push one another away. You might discover that you enjoy punishing one another, or seeing when the other person suffers at the hands of hardship or adversity in life, their careers, or even their other relationships.

The best ways to deal with anger and resentment in your relationship.

Want to put your anger and your resentment to bed once and for all? Take a proactive approach and find better ways to communicate, think, and react. By gaining control of your emotions and finding new techniques that help you to open up and overcome, you’ll find yourself banishing your resentment to the outskirts of your partnership…where it belongs.

1. Always think before reacting

Though resentment can be a slow-burning fire, it can also be something that swoops upon us swiftly alongside moments of anger. A partner who says the wrong thing, or disrespects us, is one that we might find ourselves simmering against, or resenting. Our emotions are strong and (when combined with our egos) easy to get out of control. That’s why it’s crucial that we always think before responding to our anger, or any themes of resentment that might be presenting themselves.

Rather than lashing out at the person you’ve committed to loving, take a step back from your emotions and try to see them from a detached angle. If your friend felt this way and came to you for advice, what would you tell them? Try to look at your emotions (and only your emotions, at this stage) for what they really are. Then weigh the pros and cons of whatever action they’re encouraging you to take.

Break it down and really dig deep in order to figure out where they’re coming from. Are you mad at your partner for disappointing an expectation you never communicated? Do you resent them for moving forward when you feel stuck where you’re at? Question your emotions. Question your ego. Then question your reactions. Give yourself enough time and space to process how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you truly want to do before you ever take action in the name of resentment and anger.

2. Start communicating openly

There is no denying the value of honest communication when it comes to repairing our partnerships and overcoming any resentment we may be harboring. We have to communicate openly with one another in order to stay aligned in our values, and on the same page with our goals. It’s also the primary means by which we continue to reaffirm our commitment, and display our continued care, support, and affection for one another.

If your relationship is being weighed down by resentment, find a time to sit down and talk about it. Be candid, but focus on what you know best — how you’re feeling, and where your feelings coming from. Stick to self-focused language like “I feel…” or “I thought…” and avoid using “you” statements that place blame or make assumptions that you’re not otherwise qualified to make.

The only person’s perspective you know is your own. Share what’s on your mind, then leave room for the other person to do the same. Don’t interrupt them and don’t try to dispute anything they say. Stand strong in your truth and allow them to have theirs. Understand that we all see our own realities from different angles, and no two people are experiencing the exact same reality as you are.

3. Find the empathy in the in-between

We have to reconnect with our empathy in order to truly overcome any harbored anger or resentment that might be lurking on the edges. For many, this is confused for tolerance, or a willingness to look the other way rather than honestly addressing issues. Empathy, however, does not ask us to look the other way. Empathy, instead, is an active means of looking at things from the other person’s perspective. It is to say, “I hear you without judgement, and I make room for you.”

Find the empathy in your heart and in all those little in-between moments that define us as couples. Rather than finding weakness and shortcomings you can attack, try to find your deeper compassion and use that to understand where your partner is coming from.

It takes far more courage to empathize with someone than it does to fight with them or blame them. When we show empathy, we have to put our egos in the backseat and listen to the other person. This means actively putting ourselves in the place of their feelings and seeing things from their perspective — even if that requires us to play devil’s advocate from time-to-time. Find the empathy. Connect it to those small moments of affection that lie in the good times, and you’ll find the compassion that can resuscitate your relationship.

4. Tap back into your affection

Affection too can be an important component of overcoming your resentment and getting your partnership back on an even footing. Though we tend to think of affection as something that’s displayed physically, it’s far more wide-reaching than that. Affection can be shown in word, as well as a deed; in the helpful and supportive things we do, and in the way we make decisions and carry ourselves.

If you’re suffering from major resentment, tap back into the affection that you and your partner once shared with one another. Give them a little touch on the hand, or a pat on the shoulder — rather than a rebuke. When you see them struggling or snapping back at you, ask how you can help instead of jumping into conflict.

By picking up the slack, you can help your partner and say, “I care for you,” in an entirely different way. This, in turn, allows your other-half to relax and can help to eliminate some negative behaviors or emotions they themselves might be experiencing. These barriers eliminated, it becomes easier to open up to one another and communicate the things that are going on beneath the surface.

5. Focus on your own journey and action

The fact of the matter is that a lot of the resentment that we hold on to in our partnerships is pointless and selfish. So much of it comes down to little things, or tiny misunderstandings that were allowed to snowball over time. We get hyper-focused on a single negative moment or flaw and then allow it to possess us in unhealthy and divisive ways. By focusing more on our own journey and individuality with our relationships, we can learn to let a lot of this go.

Stop spending all your time chasing the perfect partner. Stop thinking that you can change them or make them be something other than they are. Express your needs, express your emotions — then give them room to make corrections, find the compromise, and their sense of respect. Beyond that, you have no control over what they do or don’t do.

Focus on your own journey. Focus on taking action in the name of your own joy and setting up your life for success. A relationship is not the house we live in. It’s a blanket spread neatly across the bed we crawl into each night. It is a place to recharge. It is a place of security, but it is not the center of our existence. Re-prioritize your partnership and how you see yourself within it. Don’t spend all your time correcting someone else. Correct yourself.

Putting it all together…

When it comes to relationships, the adventure isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Building a life together is challenging, and it can result in conflict and hardships that cultivate some serious (and not so serious) resentment in our partnerships. Rather than running away from it, we have to embrace this resentment and work through it with courageous and brutal honesty.

Don’t react to your resentment right away. Whenever you feel anger or contempt, give yourself space and time to walk away and process it. Question your emotions and where they’re really coming from, then decide whether action is worth the potential consequences. If you must speak out, avoid blaming language and focus on what you know — your feelings and your perspective. Leave space for your partner to express their side too, though, ad strive to understand their emotions and where they’re coming from. Once you’ve cleared the air, re-establish some affection and look for small moments of empathy that can help you to reconnect. Stop focusing on all the flaws, instead put your relationship in its rightful place. Through this you can get serious about your own journey and tapping back into your authentic sense of individuality.