How to be a more supportive partner

When it comes to relationships learning to be more supportive is one of the best skills we can master.

by: E.B. Johnson

Having a special person in our world can be a meaningful experience, and one that can add layers of depth and joy to our day-to-day living. When someone loves us and sees us for who we truly are, it encourages us to see ourselves in a better and more capable light. The support of a loved on in our lowest moments is invaluable, and it helps us to see the brightness inside of ourselves. So how do we return that support? How can we become more supportive partners ourselves?

Much of it comes down to understanding the true nature of support and it’s role in our lives. Rather than simply encouraging someone to keep going no matter what, we have to encourage and motivate them to be better versions of themselves. Once we have cultivated a greater understanding of this supportive nature, we can start listening actively and responding to our partners with love and compassion when they need us the most.

Support is a building block of stable relationships.

When it comes to building the foundations of a stable relationship, there are a few core elements that every partnership centers around. Among these are trust, respect, compassion, and understanding — but primary among them is support. Relationships are a building project. They require two people to come together and build a home out of separate dreams. In order to do this, we have to support one another and those dreams. So that we may improve ourselves and therefore thrive together.

Many of us have been brought up to view support as an all-in and unquestionable sort of thing. We were told that to support a partner was to say, “Yes, dear,” and go along with any madness that followed. But when we encourage a partner in reckless or toxic behavior — we aren’t supporting them. We’re sending them toward an inevitable failure.

True support doesn’t involve agreeing with your partner all the time, or going along with all the choices that they make for themselves and their lives. It doesn’t involve accommodating poisonous treatment or danger and risky choices. To support someone is not to make allowances for the bad. When we support someone we tell them that we love them and we then demonstrate that we care by encouraging them to be and do better. This means better for themselves and better for our partnerships.

What supportive partners truly look like.

Supportive partners don’t encourage us on no matter what reckless ideas we have. They don’t stick around no matter how bad they treat us, and they certainly don’t look like the spouses in the movies. Want to be a more supportive partner? Figure out what that support actually entails.

Listening without judgement

Though we tend to associate support with action, it is far more related to the action of listening. When we listen to someone (really listen) we don’t just “hear” the information. We see the deeper meaning behind the words, and we feel the different emotions that are attached to the person speaking them. In order to listen in this way, though, we have to drop our judgements and come to the table with a clean mind and zero preconceived notions.

Encouraging you to be more

A supportive partner doesn’t go along with your plans blindly. They question you and through that questioning help lead you to your deeper truths. They want the best for you, so they encourage you to choose the best for yourself. Sometimes, this means telling you things that you don’t want to hear, or forcing you to reconcile with some brutally honest realities and obstacles.

Limiting expectations

Supportive partners are those who limit their expectations. They don’t ask the world of the person that they love, because they understand the limits of humanity. As well as the fact that we’re all prone to flaws. This isn’t to say that they don’t set boundaries for themselves and for you. They do. They just know the dangers of lifting someone up on a pedestal. Also, they realize the pressure that behavior causes.

Putting assumptions aside

Like our judgements, assumptions are preconceived conclusions that we come to without having all the information. Unlike judgements, however, assumptions deal more in external realities rather than personal calls on behavior or pain points. When we put our assumptions aside, we are better able to see the impact our partner’s external situation has on them. We can see the motivations of those around them, as well as the connections between their issues and their pasts.

Prioritizing your needs

Do you, or your partner, work hard to ensure that your needs are prioritized together or kept on even ground? Prioritizing our needs along with that of our loved ones is a subtle sign of support and security that is often overlooked. When you make it clear that what your partner wants and needs is just as important as your own needs, it displays to them genuine care. As well as a desire to see them thrive and live their best, most authentic lives.

Respecting one another

Without respecting one another, there can be little true support. To support someone without judgement means seeing the value in their perspective. You can’t do that if you look down on them, or see their problems as somehow inferior to your own. In those instances, you will become dismissive and you will fail to be able to empathize (fully) with the extent of their experiences. Respecting one another allows us to support one another with compassion.

Being open when it counts

When we’re really struggling, a pat on the back and kind words can be nice. It only takes us so far, however, before we have to start embracing some hard realities. A supportive partner is one who gives you honesty — even when it’s brutal or it contradicts your view of reality. This means telling you that you made a mistake, then helping you brainstorm ideas to get yourself back up to the top. They aren’t afraid to tell you how it is if it makes you a better person.

How to be a more supportive partner.

You can start building a better partnership right away. You don’t have to wait for the right moment, and you don’t have to commit to some major transformation beforehand. You can take small, simple action to transform the way you are there for the person that you love. All you have to do is detach yourself and try to see things from a different angle.

1. Work on yourself before them

Before you engage in shows support, you have to ensure that you’re poised to do so. This means looking at your own mental and emotional stability, and ensuring that you’re equipped to listen actively and without judgement, while encouraging without the influence of your own intentions. Work on yourself before you commit to working on someone else. Until you’ve gotten past your own hangups, you’re hardly equipped to help anyone else with theirs.

If you’re dealing with your own hardships or pressure, resolve them first before engaging with your partner’s problem. This isn’t to say that you can’t show them love, or a compassionate shoulder to cry on. It simply means you don’t need to start a dialogue you aren’t ready to really open up and listen to yet.

See to some self-care before you dive into the deep end. Prioritize your needs and get yourself on some stable ground so that you are better able to lift the other person up. Lending a helping hand when we ourselves are on shifting sands is reckless and dangerous, though well intentioned. Better relationships are made better by first improving ourselves from within. Work out your needs, stabilize your emotional grounds, and then give your partner the support they need.

2. Commit to listen actively

Active listening is a great place to begin when it comes to proactively supporting our partners. Listening itself, is the act of sound coming into the ear and being automatically processed by the brain. When we learn how to actively listen, however, we start to understand the deeper meaning behind the words we’re hearing; we also start to see the deeper truths in our partners. By committing to listening actively, we’re saying to our partners, “I’m interested in what you’re saying, and I’m engaged in helping you.”

When it comes to actively listening, smiling and nodding won’t cut it. To actively listen means to engage with the person who is speaking and demonstrate that engagement through your own active participation in the conversation. You have to respond to prompts, nod, show agreement or even disagreement where appropriate.

Above all, though, you have to ask questions. Questions are the single greatest indication that you are listening to what another person is saying, and that you are taking the information on board. It also demonstrates that you are attempting to understand their perspective, or that you want to put yourself in their shoes. It’s one of the most supportive things you can do for someone you love, but it requires that you drop your ego as well as any judgements or pre-conceived reservations you might have about them and their situation.

3. Remove your judgements

There are few elements more toxic to true and affirmative support than judgement. Our judgments are walls that are built out of our own experiences and hangups. We draw conclusions based on our own view of reality, rather than stopping to consider that someone else’s reality is totally different from ours. You have to drop any judgements that you have if you really want to help someone you love. This doesn’t mean you make allowances. It simply means you respect the individual perspective.

Understand that your partner has their own unique journey in this life, and they have a right to live it as they want. This means encouraging them to go after their dreams (as long as their dreams don’t come with an insane risk of damage, injury, or failure) and removing any emotional attachment you might have to certain outcomes (of your own imagining or assumption).

Let go of those archaic and outdated ideas that prevent you from being fully there for the person that you love. Look at their situation with compassion, and give the unconditional understanding that they need to reconcile their pain, and make their future plans. Removing our judgement un-clouds our vision. It better equips us to see things from their point of view and put ourselves in their shoes with compassion and understanding.

4. Limit your overreactions

When we see a loved one struggling, there is a great urge to swoop in and rescue them. Often, without even thinking, we spring into action and start performing grand gestures. Though we think these actions are “supporting” our partner, what they really do is demonstrate our judgements, and create even more stress and pressure than the initial problem. In order to be truly supportive, move away from your savior complex and limit your overreactions.

Lean into small gestures and shows of affection and support. Don’t swoop in with grandiose words and even grander actions that only make the other person feel small. Sometimes, supporting someone means empowering them to take charge of their own lives. This doesn’t happen by fixing things for them. It happens by teaching them to see themselves as you see them.

Limit your overreactions. If you get the urge to stride in and take charge of someone else’s situation — stop it. Pull back and question why you think you’re better equipped to call the shots than the other person. Then, consider what the long-lasting benefits could be to simply being there for them (rather than taking action). Allow your active listening to display your care and then reaffirm your love for them and the understanding that you’re building.

5. Keep love in the center of it all

Above any beyond all else, we have to remember to keep love at the center of it all if we want to truly become more supportive partners. Love (true and lasting love) does not ask the other person to change who they are. It doesn’t seek to punish, destroy, or inflict pain. Love means that we care for someone no matter what, and that we choose to consider their emotions and perspectives as important as our own. To love someone means to care for them unconditionally and despite their lowest moments.

Rather than making action or solutions the center of every important dialogue or challenge, keep love at the center of everything that you do. Remember your partner at their highest moments and remind them of all the reasons that you care for them and hold faith in them.

Use that passion you have in your heart to re-inspire that passion in them. Remember those affectionate moments when you yourself feel challenged and remember to hold on to that sense of respect and empathy. Do not, however, make allowances for poor, toxic, or abusive behavior. To be supportive does not mean you become a doormat. To love someone is not to accept their worst impulses and decisions. Supporting a partner in need requires us to love ourselves just as much as we love them.

Putting it all together…

Support is an essential part of any relationship. We choose to build lives with other people, because they can offer a sense of “safety in numbers” and they can also be there in our corner when times get tough. In order to be a more supportive partner, however, we have to commit to being consciously and mindfully there for our other halves…while dropping any judgements or need to save the day.

Stabilize yourself before you put all your energy and efforts into supporting or helping someone else. You can’t fully be there for your partner if you’re distracted, or not fully present in your own mind. See to some self-care, then commit to listening actively to what is going on with your partner (when you’re mentally and emotionally ready). Drop your judgements and come to the table without preconceived notions or a soapbox speech about how they can transform their life. The greatest support comes not from talking, but from listening and displaying understanding. Limit your overreactions and try to understand that not every problem in your partner’s life requires your solutions. Be there for them, drop any ideas of becoming a savior and keep love at the center of it all. Once you both learn how to support one another effectively, your relationship will thrive.