The best ways to deal with rejection

So, you’ve fallen for someone and they don’t feel the same. Here’s what you’re going to do next.

by: E.B. Johnson

When we fall for others, we tend to fall hard and fast, but this falling rarely leaves us prepared to deal with potential rejection. The hard truth of the matter is that the people we love don’t always love us back, and when that’s the case — we have to learn how to confront our emotions and move on the right way.

This process begins by cultivating the understanding we need to look past the “no” to the silver lining underneath. When someone doesn’t feel the same way, it’s rarely the ending of anything meant to be. Rather, it’s a new opportunity to find someone better aligned with our needs, personalities, and values. We can come to this understanding by shifting our perspective and the way we see rejection and the loss of those who were never meant to be.

Love doesn’t always happen like we want it to.

Falling for someone requires us to suspend a lot of reality. We look past their flaws, and we look past any difficulties as we pursue the person who has piqued our interest. This suspension of reality can go too far, however, as we look to the future excitedly — imagining what things might look like beside this someone new. We get so excited and “lost in the sauce” that we rarely stop to ask ourselves what happens if they don’t want the same thing.

The brutal truth is that love and relationships don’t always play out like we want them to. Falling for someone is no guarantee that they will fall back, and there’s no amount of coercion or sweet-talking that can change that. When we find ourselves confronted with someone who doesn’t want us back, we have to learn how to respond with dignity, self-respect, and a sense of poise.

The denial of one person is not a guaranteed denial of the next. There are billions of people on this planet, yet we tear our lives apart when the single person we fall for doesn’t love us back. By shifting our perspective, we can take the sting out of these rejections and find a better way to deal with the denial. When someone doesn’t return your affection, it’s in no way a reflection on your value, personality, or character. It’s simply a mismatching; nothing more and nothing less. It’s a closed door that opens an entirely new vista of possibility.

The hard-to-deny signs they don’t feel the same.

Once we’ve really fallen for someone, we traditionally indicate these feelings through a number of telling signs. The same can be said for the opposite circumstance. When someone isn’t feeling the same way, there are a number of red flags you can look out for.

Growing distance

Distance is an important indicator when it comes to the state of our relationships (or potential relationships). This distance occurs when we find ourselves growing away, or being pushed away from someone we care about. Often, this distance begins with avoidance. They may avoid talking to you, or being in your physical presence. Distance is all about creating physical and emotional space; which is something we shouldn’t be looking for when we’re building lives together?

Dwindling conversation

Conversation too can be an important indicator when it comes to our love interests. Do you find that once-flowing conversation is beginning to dry up, or get stale? Are you and the other person speaking less and less? And when you do is it superficial, or brief? These are all important warning signs of someone who is trying not to get too close. Communication is key in helping us better understand and connect with one another. If they don’t want to talk to you, they don’t want to connect with you. Someone who doesn’t want to connect can’t possibly feel the same way.

Looking for change

We often think having a partner who wants to “make us better” is a good thing, but it isn’t. When they’re always looking to change who you are, criticizing you, or otherwise encouraging you to be someone different than you are — it’s a red flag. This can be a sign that the other person has a very specific view of their future, which they are trying to mold you to fit. Often, this can be an early warning sign of control issues, but it can also indicate something more. Someone who wants a relationship (as an accessory) more than they want to build a life with another living, breathing human being.

Gut feeling

Our intuition can be a powerful ally when it comes to finding the right partner, but too often we bury it in the backseat as we plow ahead with our rose-tinted vision. You have to listen to your gut feelings when it comes to the people you’re falling for. What is your intuition telling you? Do you get a (bad) funny feeling when you’re around them? Do their excuses make you feel uncomfortable, or on edge? This is your subconscious attempting to wake you up to something your subconscious doesn’t want to see.

Failing to follow-through

When we care for someone we show up for them and do what we can to support them. Whether we are in the earliest days of our partnerships, or years into a love affair, the ways in which our partners support us are critical to pay attention to. If the other person is never there for you, or if they fail time-and-time-again to be there when you need them most — it’s a sign that their feelings may not be in line with your own. Love means showing up.

Loss of respect

Respect is a cornerstone of any happy and long-lasting partnership, but it’s often one of the first things to go when our feelings begin to waver. Consider the respect that exists between you and the person you’re falling for. Do they go out of their way to make sure you know you’re valued? Do they show interest in your opinions? When things get tough, what do your arguments look like? We have to respect one another in order to build a life together. This respect allows us to let down walls and overcome adversity without detonating our relationships.

Little real-world inclusion

Does your partner or love interest fail to include you in their real world life? Do they keep you separate from their friends and family? Or do they seem to always have an excuse that leaves you on the sidelines and out of the action? This is one of the biggest red flags that could indicate that the other person doesn’t feel the same about you. Happy partnerships are the ones in which both parties build lives that are mutually involved and complimentary. A partner who doesn’t want to include you in their real life is a partner who doesn’t envision you ever being a part of that world.

Refusal to commit

As partners, we have to make an effort to commit to one another. This allows us to trust and hold faith, even when life challenges us or tests our relationships. If you and the person you care about don’t make plans, it could mean they don’t want to take any serious steps that would otherwise leave you connected to one another legally or emotionally. For example, they might refuse to move in as a couple, or they might refuse to agree to any relationship titles. While every relationship is different, all serious relationships require some type of commitment that allows us to trust in one another.

Can’t return the gesture

What happens when you tell your partner that you love them? When you flirt with your new love interest — do they fail to flirt back in return? A disinterested party often won’t return your affections, no matter what stage of the relationship you might be in. This might manifest in failing to verbally confirm their affections, or they may fail any other motions that otherwise indicate that they care for you in word or deed.

Basic unavailability

Is the person that you’re falling for already attached? If they’re married, in a long-term committed relationship, or are otherwise committed and physically and emotionally unavailable — you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. When we pursue someone who can’t love us back, they have no choice but to reject us. It’s imperative that we’re realistic when building up our potential partners in our heads. Basic unavailability has to be addressed with integrity and brutal honesty.

The best ways to deal with rejection.

Rejection — much like any other negative experience — has to be processed in order to be resolved. You can’t just bury the hurt away and hope it gets replaced by the next person you fall for. Rather, you have to have some honest conversations and find the courage to embrace your emotions for what they are and how they impact you.

1. Have an honest conversation

Caring for someone beyond the realm of friendship is a powerful thing, and it’s important too. When you’ve cultivated deep intimate feelings for someone, odds are they’ve become a major part of your life (or social circles). For this reason, it’s important to be honest with them (where appropriate) and make sure we have the closure and openness we need to keep the relationship mutual and without hangups. By opening up we can get the confirmation we need to start healing.

If you’re certain that this person is someone you want to be with, it’s important that you lay those possibilities to rest in order to move on in peace. Open up to them, and let them know what you’re feeling and why. Don’t lay it on thick. Keep it casual and leave plenty of room for them to reply without pressure.

It’s important to keep in mind here that this isn’t a conversation that’s always appropriate. While expressing how you feel is certainly crucial, we can also find ourselves falling for people who could never (in a million years) be available to us emotionally or physically. This is specifically pertinent if you’ve fallen for someone who is married, or settled happily. Sharing your feelings with them might cause a major rift? Is the potential reject and destruction of your friendship worth opening up? Be aware and respectful.

2. Acknowledge the hurt

Once you’ve opened up to one another and the truth is out there, you need to step back and give yourself time to process your emotions. Only by acknowledging the hurt can you work through it and find your way to acceptance and joy. Running away from the truth will only result in more pain and more trauma. Avoid leaving yourself fraught, and embrace getting through it over running around the pain.

Don’t try to force a rose-tinted reflection. Embrace your emotions for what they are and where they stand, then acknowledge the hurt and its place in this present moment. All of of feelings serve a purpose. There’s always a lesson lying beneath the discomfort they bring us.

Look at the reality of your situation and ask yourself, “How has this hurt me and why?” When we look deeper at our reaction to rejection, we often find that it has more to do with traumas from our past than the simple denial of our present whims. Don’t let your heart overwhelm your head. Don’t make things bigger than they are, or were. Accept where you’re at, and accept the emotions that you’re experiencing and the value they can bring to your healing.

3. Find your inner compassion

After opening up and taking some time to process your emotions, you need to tap into your wellspring of compassion in order to ensure you don’t fall into a hurt-trap. Rejection isn’t easy. Because it’s so emotional it can push us into some strange and reactive places. In order to avoid the rage — or the need to make them feel like you — we can use our compassion instead.

Find your inner compassion and extend it both to yourself and the person who rejected you. Try to see things from their point of view. Maybe it’s not the right moment for them; perhaps they have issues going on at work, or at home. Sometimes, a rejection genuinely has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them and their journey.

Beyond that, find a way to actively apply compassion in your own life. Take care of your body and nurture your emotions. Reach out to friends and re-engage with the passions that help you remember how powerful you truly are. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to the people that you love. Understand that you are as worthy of love and companionship as anyone else in this world. Tap into your compassion and lean into that when it feels like the hurt is becoming too much to bear.

4. Don’t let it define you

Our negative emotions and experiences have a tendency to completely swallow up our attention, making them feel like bigger issues than they really are. Romantic rejection is one such experience, making us feel as though our entire world is tumbling down around us. When we’re really honest with ourselves, however, and give ourselves some time and space, we see that this denial isn’t quite as tragic as we once imagined.

Stop seeing their acceptance of your affection as the most defining thing in your life. A lover’s “no” will have no impact on your life, beyond this temporary moment. It won’t change who you are, it won’t change your skills. Rejection won’t make your dream career impossible, or prevent you from gaining friends.

Rejection will not kill you, and it will not strip any basic liberties from you. It shouldn’t define you. It should be nothing short of a learning moment that teaches you what you don’t want from your partners. Stop seeing a “no” as the bomb destroys everything you ever wanted or hoped for. Instead, learn how to see it as a motivator to move closer and harder toward the people in this life that bring you true joy and contentment.

5. Focus on the strong parts

Rejection — no matter how strong you are, or emotionally aware — is hard to handle and even harder on the ego. It doesn’t feel great to be told that we aren’t “the one” for someone we care for, but we can overcome this hurt by focusing on those parts of ourselves which are strong and bountiful. Think of it like building yourself back up. The greater your self-confidence becomes, the easier it is to move past their failure to return your affection.

Rather than spending all your time focusing on the rejection and the negative thoughts and emotions it inspires, try focusing on those strong and beautiful parts of self which make you feel good. Reconnect with your passions and reach out to those social circles which bring joy and fulfillment to your life.

If you’re good at painting, take a painting course. If the rejection has made you feel unattractive, take a spin class or give yourself an at-home makeover. There are a million little ways to reconnect with who you are, and those parts of self which are more beautiful and most attractive. Instead of chasing the love of someone else, chase love of self. Fall in love with who you are and allow yourself to outshine the darkness that the rejection has left in your life.

Putting it all together…

When we fall for someone we do so fast and hard, but this rarely prepares us for the painful reality of rejection. Finding out we aren’t “the one” can seriously injure our confidence and sense of self. It’s crucial that we don’t allow these rejections to define us, however, and find a better way to thrive in the knowledge that we are still beautiful and worthy.

If it’s appropriate to do so — and you feel confident doing so — open up to the other person and make sure you both have a chance to confirm (or deny) your feelings. Lingering in hope will destroy your self-confidence. Once you have your confirmation, you can move forward with closure. Acknowledge the hurt and stop running from the pain. You have to address it to work through it. Find your inner compassion and allow it to save you from your most destructive and negative reactions. Not everyone is meant for us, and that’s okay. There are so many more opportunities to connect with the right person at the right time. Don’t let this rejection define you. Instead, focus on those beautiful and strength-building parts of self that allow you to shift the way you see this new reality. Rejection doesn’t have to be a closed door. It can lift up the veil on an entirely new future when we learn to see the silver lining.