The hard-to-deny signs that your partner isn’t being faithful

There are some unavoidable signs that your partner is being less than faithful.

by: E.B. Johnson

Our relationships form an important part of who we are, now more than ever. We are living in precarious times and having a partner by your side can prove a real boon. When you face a partner or a spouse who has been unfaithful, however? That’s a different story.

There are several hard-to-deny signs that your partners emotional or intimate interests are lying elsewhere. From unexplained finances, to a sudden about face where your emotional intimacy is concerned — there are some behaviors that just can’t be denied. If you think you might be dealing with a partner who’s being less than faithful, then it’s up to you to cultivate the understanding and courage you need to confront it.

When our relationships slide into infidelity.

No one ever imagines their relationship will be a victim of infidelity until they see the walls come crashing down around them and reality pouring. Thousands of people around the world engage in cheating each and every day, leaving a trail of broken-hearted partners and devastated families behind them. Infidelity is as common as apple pie, yet so many of us fall into line with the same partners again and again. Why? Because we don’t understand ourselves and we don’t know how to spot the signs.

Dealing with infidelity requires us to increase the understanding we have of the subject, as well as requiring us to get a better handle on ourselves. Cheaters don’t cheat on a whim. Their self-centered behavior results from toxic beliefs and patterns that have been perpetuated throughout their experiences. If we want to resolve it, we have to address it.

When we face a partner who might be cheating, it’s up to us to take a deep look inside at who we are, how we’re feeling and what we want. Infidelity is a hard thing to deal with, but it’s even more difficult to manage when you launch into conflict without focusing on the solutions or having a clear goal in mind. Know how to spot the signs of infidelity and then follow that up with open dialogue that leans into resolution and results. If you think your partner is cheating, confront them now — but not without increasing your own knowledge first.

Why cheaters cheat.

Cheaters don’t just wake up one day and decide they want to ruin the lives of everyone around them. Their behavior is learned and leaned into over time as opportunities present themselves. Whether they suffer from low self-esteem, or have a need for control that’s not being satiated at home — these are the classic hang-ups that make it easier for our partners to put their inhibitions aside.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem is a toxic trap to fall into, and one that can have some serious consequences for our overall wellbeing and happiness. When you think little of yourself, it can make you more susceptible to temptation and the infidelity opportunities that present themselves. Excess bumps of intimacy, attention and affection can feel especially good when you’re down on yourself; and they can provide a false sense validation that makes it easier (in the mind of the unfaithful person) to stray.

Need for control

The controlling person enjoys nothing more than flexing their muscles over their relationship and their partners. One way to do this is by engaging in extra-marital affairs, or instances of cheating — which demonstrates to their partner they are “above” concepts like fidelity or faithfulness in partnerships. Something that’s often assumed, if not outlined, in most consenting relationships.

Cowardly tendencies

Finding yourself in a failing relationship is hard, but it can be even harder to admit to yourself that it’s time for that relationship to end. For those to which confrontation does not come naturally, this termination of things can be almost unimaginable. This can lead to cowardly behavior, and even the conscious destruction of a relationship through affairs that drive the partners further and further from one another…even if they aren’t aware of what’s going on.

Sense of entitlement

In most instances of infidelity, the partner who strayed outside the bounds of the relationship feels (at some point) a sense of entitlement to the process. They might feel entitled to the additional attention they’re receiving, or they might feel entitled to the additional physical intimacy they’re receiving. No matter how entitlement comes about — it’s always toxic. None of us are entitled to anything save the basic modicums of civility and respect due to every one of us (partners included). When a partner feels “entitled” to certain behaviors, it spells big trouble for the other parties involved.

The undeniable signs of infidelity in a relationship.

When it comes to infidelity, our partners can betray us both physically and emotionally. Whether your other-half is leading an affair of the heart, or just heading up a passionate fling that’s devoid of intimacy — the pain is still the same and the hurt runs just as deep. Spotting the signs of an affair isn’t always easy, but it’s something that we have to do. From lying to making sudden and drastic improvements in their lives, these are the most hard-to-deny signs that your partner might have something going on.

Secrets under secrets

The discovery of secrets and lies is the most common sign that your partner isn’t being upfront with you about what’s going on. They might use computers and phones secretly, or only when you’re not around. Likewise, they might sneak around to see friends, or even have experiences and social circles that you don’t know about. It’s not normal or healthy to hide things like our friends from our partners. Feeling as though you need to? It’s a serious sign that something is off balance or otherwise untoward.

Dramatic improvements

It’s a good thing to want to turn your life around, and many of us come to the point that we want to change our lives for the better; sudden and unwarranted improvements to appearance and skills, however, (with no seeming willingness to internally improve) can be a sign that there’s something more going on than meets the eye. Dramatic improvements come with inspiration, and that inspiration should be obvious if not connected to something. If you can’t see the connection, but see a ton of improvements out of the blue — it’s time to ask questions.

Avoidance and deflection

Avoidance and deflections are common signs that your partner isn’t being honest, or doesn’t want to open up to you. If you’ve confronted your unfaithful partner in the past before, you may have noticed that they worked hard to change the subject or otherwise spin the subject around so as not to catch themselves out. This is a common avoidance tool, and one that can even be observed in children when they’ve been discovered in a lie or an otherwise untoward situation that goes outside of the “rules”.

Unreachable at random

Have a partner who disappears or days, weeks or even hours at a time? While we all find ourselves unreachable from time-to-time, we live in a more connected world than ever before. There are few circumstances or even careers in this world that require us to be entirely incommunicado for extended periods of time. Partners who want to speak to you, will speak to you. Partners who disappear for ages on end? Well, they’re spending that time somewhere, and they’re (more than likely) spending it with other people.

Sudden changes in intimacy

Intimacy — on both a physical and an emotional level — is an important component of any relationship. When we are intimate with our partners, we allow them to see us as we really are, and we allow ourselves to connect on truly meaningful levels. Sudden changes in intimacy, be that physical or emotional, are always a sign that something has gone wrong in the relationship. If your partner has suddenly shut down, and no longer engages with you like they once did, you have to get real about getting honest answers.

Unease in your friend groups

Not every sign or symptom of a relationship plagued by cheating is internal. Sometimes, we can look to the support networks that surround us to find signs of infidelity in our partnerships. It’s difficult to keep affairs a secret, and more often than not there is someone else complicit in the equation. If you’ve noticed that things are suddenly off in your shared friend-groups, or if you’re noticing that friends and family are avoiding you, it can be a sign that they know more than you do about what’s going on.

New and unexplained expenses

Noticed a few more unexplained bills than normal? Or little expenditures that are adding up to big bottom lines for no obvious reason? It might be a sign that your partner is straying outside the bonds of your relationship. While overt purchases like jewelry, flowers or even clothing can be telling — it’s also important to look for things like increased travel expenditures or unexplained purchases that can’t be accounted for at work or around the house. Following the money works for infidelity as well.

Zero emotional connection

Even if we are closer to our partner than anyone else in the world, that changes when fractures and breaks appear in our relationships. The appearance of walls in our emotional connections can be a sign that there is more going on than meets the eye. When we cut ourselves off emotionally from our partners, it is usually because there is a greater sense of those emotions lying elsewhere (either with other people, or in other internal focuses). If you’ve realized that you share zero emotional connection these days, it’s time to talk about where the love has gone.

Intuition, intuition, intuition

We live in strange times, and fact and fiction seem to be almost indistinguishable. In this age of fake news, many of us have come to lean entirely on facts and science, but sometimes to the detriment of our intuition. Human intuition is a very real thing, and when it tells you that something is “off” — it is more than likely because it has noticed something you’re too in-the-mix to see. Listen to your gut (not your history). What is it telling you? When it tells you there’s an issue…listen.

The best ways to address a cheating partner.

If you think that your partner isn’t being faithful, it’s important that you open up to them and express your concerns. That is a process on its own, though, and one that first requires you to take an introspective look inside. What do you want from an admission of guilt? What do you want from your partner moving forward if they have been unfaithful? These are all things that have to be considered.

1. Accept your feelings first and foremost

Before you open up a dialogue with them, get solid on how you feel first. Consider the full scope of your emotional landscape, as well as what you want from your partner, a discussion and any future plans for your partnership. Have a clear idea of how you want to handle things and have a clear handle on the things you need to say or hear in order to feel as though you’re moving back in the right direction. Understand what you’re opening the door on and analyze (fully) the pros and cons of addressing the issues you’re now facing.

If you’ve discovered that they’re cheating. That’s an entirely different experience from receiving their actual confession of infidelity. Stabilize your own emotional needs before you lift the lid on a can of worms that you can’t possibly fathom and have a clear idea of what you want.

Accept your emotions. Accept the rage and the pain and the feelings of betrayal. Don’t shy away from your emotions because you don’t feel you have a right to them, or you’re more concerned about how your partner will feel. Only when you accept your emotions can you embrace them and use them as the fuel you need to successfully manage the hard times that are coming up ahead. Understand that the only way forward is through. When you accept your emotions, you free yourself to face what comes next.

2. Get familiar on what you really want

Now that your emotions are in view, and you’ve embraced them for what (and where) they’re at, it’s time to dig deeper into what you really want and need from your partner. Think about your relationship as it stands now, and compare it against the images of successful partnerships that you once held? How do things stand? Are you getting what you need? Are you giving what your partner needs? We have to know what we really want in order to build happy relationships, and we have to know what we really want in order to overcome infidelity and heartbreak.

Consider (honestly) what you want from them. Do you want them to confess what they’ve done? Great. What then? Do you want them to make amends? Change jobs? Move cities or start again in a “new” life? Do you want them to buy you gifts, change their behavior? Do you even want them in your life at all? There are several questions you need to ask yourself before you open up the doors of conflict — whether or not you’re in the right.

Be brutally honest with yourself and don’t shy away from uncomfortable truths. You need to know what you want before you confront your partner, and you need to know that the value of that conflict is worth the pain it will inflict. Have goalin mind before you move toward it, but have a backup plan when things inevitably change. Dealing with infidelity is emotionally complex for both parties. Don’t muddy the waters with even greater uncertainty. Get familiar on what you really want from your partner and your future with them before confronting them on infidelity.

3. Open up a dialogue

So you know how you’re feeling, and you know what you want to do moving forward with your spouse. Those two things in hand, the only thing you can do next is open up the floodgates and start an honest dialogue. When we open up to our partners and communicate honestly and openly, we can either find hope or heartbreak. Either way, it is the only way to start moving toward a resolution — both for yourself and for your partner.

Your truths to mind, find a comfortable time and place for you and your partner to converse and connect. Don’t pick a place where you feel you have the “edge”. No matter how angry you might be (no matter how badly you despise them) try to be as mutually compassionate as possible and approach them as innocent until they confirm the worst.

Share your side first. Share how you’re feeling and what actions or behaviors have contributed to your current ideas and emotions. Avoid blaming language and don’t let your emotions get the best of you — no matter how justified they might be. The best communication is communication in which both sides are not only allowed, but encouraged to speak their truths safely. Don’t make it unsafe for your partner to express their truth, even if it breaks your heart. Allow them to express themselves and tell you the truth.

4. Avoid blame games

When one partner cheats, the other one is clearly the victim. That does not, however, make it okay to launch into blame games that inflame or irritate emotions that are already pushed to the edge. If you want to have a workable conversation with your partner, and one that finds some sort of resolution, you have to drop the blame games and get focused on honesty and solutions. There’s no going back and fixing what they have done. For that reason, there’s no point in going further than addressing it and moving on to solutions requires.

Avoid the blame game, and stay focused on the what, who, where, when and why of it all. Look for solutions (if any are to be had) and avoid the need to get even. This isn’t the time for that, and this isn’t the place. What you need right now is resolution and a path to move forward on (wherever that path may lead).

Don’t hold your emotions against them. Don’t hang your pain over them like an eternal axe, always ready to punish them for the next mistake. State how you feel — clearly, candidly and without shying away from the heartache of it all. Do not, however, rub salt in the wounds again and again. Stating how you’ve been affected once is enough. Your partner will either take that to heart and get focused on making it right, or they won’t. Their response here is what will inform your next decisions.

5. Let go of ideas on control

One of the most frustrating things about finding out your partner has been unfaithful is the utter lack of control you feel. Prior to infidelity, you feel confident and secure in your partnership. It’s one of the rare places where you feel seen, heard and even in control of things. It’s your own little universe. But when that’s violated, it can lead to tailspin that hosts a whole array of complex thoughts, behaviors, patterns and emotions. Whatever happens in our fractured relationships next, we have to let go of our desperate need to control them and our partners.

Notice how badly you want to control the situation and notice how much nastier your emotions become as that need increases. The more desperately you cling to them, or latch down on their infidelity and what they should or shouldn’t do next — the further they will move away from you.

We are incapable of controlling anyone but ourselves. No matter how badly you want to change your partner — no matter how simple those changes might seem — they are the only people who are capable of changing themselves. You cannot make them take back what they did. You cannot make them stop similar behavior in the future. The only thing you can do is express what you need and ensure you’re in a relationship where you’re getting those things. Focus on what you can do to feel better and leave them out of it.

6. Don’t go further than compromise

It’s important that the two of you work together (and honestly) to establish whether the relationship is worth saving. Whatever decision you decide to make — never allow yourself to be pushed further than a middle-of-the-road compromise that works for all parties involved. It might be tempting to go the extra mile in order to “save” your relationship, but will it be better for who you are and what you want for your future? The answer isn’t always what we want to hear.

Because instances of infidelity are so emotional, we can often find ourselves being led to “compromises” that aren’t always as level as they seem. Don’t compromise what you fundamentally need from your partner and your relationship. Don’t allow yourself to be made to feel as though those things aren’t important. They are, and they aren’t worth compromising if it means a less-than-satisfying future for yourself.

Know where your limits lie, and don’t allow your boundary lines to be compromised. Every relationship requires a little give-and-take, but things like a personal desire for monogamy or fidelity lies not among that counting. If you and your partner have decided to work things out or move forward, then set your deal breakers and don’t compromise them. Give yourselves time limits and stay honest and candid throughout the process. Compromise on the things that are mutual, but don’t let your boundary lines be crumbled.

7. Let time run its course

Time is one of the great healers in this life, and it’s one of the ways by which we gain a better perspective on ourselves, our relationships and what we really want from the future. What you want from a partner at 15 is not what you want from a partner at 30. What you want from a partner before infidelity is not the same as what you want from them after it. Allow time to run its course and become a vigilant participant in its movement.

Allow time to heal your wounds, but keep an open eye while it does. The pain that you feel upon the initial discovery of cheating will ease, but it’s going to require you to spend some more time with yourself, your experiences and your thoughts. Watch your partner. Consider how they change throughout the journey. Are they still the person that you want? All answers are acceptable in their own way.

Embrace the passage of time and see it for what it is — the great equalizer that brings us all to our authentic truths. Even if your partner doesn’t see their mistakes now, in time they might. Even if you think you can’t live without them now (despite what they did), in ten days or ten years…you might feel differently. Let time run its course and never underestimate the power of the perspective it can allow you. There can be great growing in pain, but we have to give ourselves the time we need to sort all the lessons out.

Putting it all together…

When it comes to infidelity, there are some pretty heart-breaking signs that are hard to ignore in our partners. No matter how much our spouse or other-half might promise us otherwise, things like unaccounted spending, emotional unavailability and even bouts of avoidance or deflection can be signs that something is going on beneath the surface. If you’re concerned that your partner isn’t being faithful, it’s time to get honest — but that’s a journey that requires a good, hard look inside first.

First address your feelings and accept them for what they are. Analyze all that rage, grief and pain. Put those emotions in the places they belong and allow yourself to process how the idea of infidelity affects you. This knowledge to hand, you can move forward and get honest about what you want. Do you want to confront your partner? Do you want them to apologize? These are all things that must be considered before opening up a dialogue with them. Avoid blaming language and try as hard as you can to remove your emotions from any discussions that are had. Express yourself honestly and openly with your partner, and leave room to do the same. Once you know the truth about their infidelity, it’s time to decide what comes next — but you have to remove any expectations of control you think you’re entitled to. The only people we can control is ourselves. The only people we can change is ourselves. Embrace that knowledge and hold it close to your heart, and hold the knowledge too that time will provide an entirely new perspective. Infidelity isn’t the end of the road, it’s often the start of a new one.