Finding your place in the friend-zone

It’s not always easy getting stuck in the friend-zone, but we still have to find our place there.

by: E.B. Johnson

Friendships can inhabit a special place in our lives, but sometimes the feelings that we hold for a friend can bloom into something else and we can find ourselves dealing with a tricky situation. Often, this awkward mismatch of emotion results in a friend-zoning — when one person places the other firmly in the context of a platonic friend, while the other person continues to pine away.

The friend-zone can be a very uncomfortable place to be as it’s one that we are completely powerless within. When it comes to building a romantic partnership, it takes the consent of all parties involved…and that’s not something that can or should be forced or coerced out of someone. The only way to deal with being friend-zoned is to dig deep, tap into your understanding, and find a way to make peace with it. If you can’t do that, you have to find a way to move on. Either way, it comes down to accepting and respecting your needs as well as the needs of the person that you love.

Falling into the friend-zone.

The journey into the friend-zone is often a slow one, but it’s tricky too and filled with a number of traps and pitfalls. We often find ourselves in this state of platonic stasis before we even fully realize the feelings we are experiencing. In order to avoid this, we have to take our emotional temperatures and commit to doing it regularly. Falling into the friend-zone isn’t easy, but it’s also a circumstance that we have little power over. The only path through the friend-zone is acceptance. Outside of that, it’s finding the power to walk away.

Most of us will experience a friend-zoning at some point in our lives. This occurs when we develop feelings for someone who does not then return those feelings. They don’t reject you entirely, however, which is what makes the friend-zone unique. Rather than cut you off and sever your relationship, you remain in their lives as a steadfast supporter and ally.

To some, this is a perfectly acceptable arrangement; while to others, it’s intolerable. Some of us can live within a friendship where we watch the person that we love bloom apart from us. To others, however, this is an intolerable idea. Wherever you land on the spectrum of feeling, the result is the same. If someone only wants a friendly relationship with you, you have to find it within yourself to respect that. We cannot force someone to love us, nor can we force them to change their mind. That’s not love. It’s coercion.

Why they relegate you to the platonic league.

There are some common reasons that someone might put us in the friend-zone, and none of them are necessarily right or wrong. From a failure in chemistry, to variances in personal preference — once we better understand where the other person is coming from, we can better begin our own path to acceptance.

No romantic chemistry

The primary reason anyone gets landed in the friend-zone is the chemistry of it all. No matter how much we might like or love someone, that doesn’t guarantee that they will feel the same way about us. While we might have connections when it comes to being friends or having fun together, that doesn’t always equal romance. Laughing with one another isn’t passion; supporting one another isn’t bodice-ripping lust. Your responsibility is to decide what works for you, what doesn’t, and then make whatever choice you need to make (while also respecting their autonomy and their desires).

Little room in the picture

Even if you friend wanted to return your feelings, they might be forced to put you in the friend-zone because the romantic opening in their life is already filled. This happens when they’re already with someone else and — no matter how much they like you — that’s where they’ve decided to keep their energy and their attention. It’s a fair decision to make. If you’re chasing someone who is already committed, it’s not really fair to expect affection, attention or romance from them. They have a right to pursue their heart, and any relationships that they feel better align with the vision of a future they are building for themselves.

Knowing too much

Our friends see more of us than we can often see in ourselves. While this includes our strengths and our skills — it can also include our shortcomings and our weaknesses. If you’re someone who is still dealing with a lot of emotional baggage, or you’re someone who is still trying to figure out what you want from your life…it’s possible that they just aren’t ready to shoulder those burdens. Again, it’s a fair consideration to make. Especially if you’re someone who is dealing with a lot of drama or pressure in your own life.

A full plate

When we’re in love, we get tunnel vision and we have a tendency to get wrapped up in our own experience of the whole thing. With only our thudding needs in mind, we forget to see the focus of our affection as a full person with their own individual experience. Sometimes, we get put in the friend-zone simply because the person that we love is dealing with a chaotic life of their own, or responsibilities that push a romantic relationship right to the back of their priorities. There’s nothing wrong with this. We all have to make sacrifices and prioritize our needs to get where we want to be.

Valuing friendship over romance

Though it doesn’t make accepting it any easier, our friends sometimes decide to stay simply friends because that’s a more valuable relationship to hold on to. It’s hard to find a good friend these days. Quality people seem to be fewer and further in-between, and the ones we do manage to find don’t seem to stay around long. Your friend might decide to remain a friend because they value that relationship and what it can offer them more than a potential romance (which has no guarantees of working out; with a greater amount of stress attached to it).

Personal preference

At the end of the day, all of the above are valid reasons to keep your relationship in the friend-zone. However, there is also another extremely valid reason that someone might make the decision not to be with you romantically: they simply don’t want to. People don’t need reasons to tell us no. They don’t use explanations and they don’t really owe us justifications. That’s four people in relationships. When it comes to the friend-zone, no one needs a reason to put you there or keep you there. They have a right to value your relationship in whatever place they need that relationship — and it is your responsibility to respect that, or walk away if you can’t handle it.

Hard-to-deny signs you’re in the friend-zone.

The friend-zone can leave people hanging in suspense for years, but there are a number of concrete signs that your relationship is doomed never to progress. From becoming the go-to bestie, to getting literal verbal confirmation…you are responsible for spotting these signs and taking whatever action is necessary to protect your heart and happiness.

The go-to bestie

Being the go-to-bestie feels like an honor — and it is — but it can also be a painful burden when you’re dealing with someone who does not feel the same way about you. Look back at your friendship and keep your feelings for them in sight. When things go wrong, or they’re struggling with important questions or relationship breakdowns of their own, are you the first person that they call? Even if you are, you might notice that you’re not, however, the person they build their big future plans around. In fact, you’re little more than a casual consideration when it comes to their pursuit of love.

Zero physical affection

When we like someone, we show it, and we show it through a number of important physical indicators. If your friend is never physical with you, or their physical interactions with you are limited to awkward hugs, high-fives and other platonic gestures — it’s a concrete sign that you’re in the friend-zone. Attraction drives us toward people we are attracted to. When we truly want someone we show it by gently touching their hands, finding ways to get close to them…or even micro-flirtations like twirling our own hair.

Third-wheel as a standard

Has your friend ever invited you along while they met a new love interest of their own? Do you find yourself constantly falling into the role of a third wheel? This is because the person that you’re pining after doesn’t see you in the same light. They see you as a support, and as a security blanket, but they don’t see you romantically. Playing the third-wheel time-after-time isn’t an indication that they’re softening. It’s an indication that they feel safe enough with you to help them find a love of their own.

Playing wing-person

If your friend is always asking you to help set them up, or they go out of their way to set you up — it’s a pretty solid sign that they aren’t interested in you romantically themselves. Look at their behavior and think about the last time you went out in a social setting like a nightclub or big party. Did they ask you to support them in their romantic endeavors? Or, did they get heavily involved in yours — going out of their way to set you up with other people? Playing wing-person isn’t something that we do when we actually want each other.

Full-time fluffer

A fluffer is someone who chases the love of a romantic partner, but without receiving and reciprocated interest, appreciation or return of their affections. This occurs when a friend lets you do the physical (and sometimes emotional) heavy lifting of a partnership. They never spend alone time with you, though, or go out of their way to make you feel uniquely valued or appreciated. Sometimes, you might even feel used by this behavior, or as though you aren’t getting back what you’re putting in. (Note: Just because they have a right to put you in the friend-zone does not mean they can not also behave toxically toward you.)

Verbal confirmation

Has your friend ever told you that they only see you as a friend? Or that they value your friendship more than any other relationship in their lives? When we feel strongly for someone, it can cause us to shut down our senses and become selective about the information we take in around us. Listen to your friend. If they tell you that they only want to be friends with, it’s an undeniable sign that they only want to be friends with you. Respect them and take their word at face value. Don’t assume that pressing harder, or hanging around long enough will force them to change their mind.

The best ways to find your place in the friend-zone.

You don’t have to stay in the friend-zone, but you do have to make peace with it. There is no such thing as “changing someone’s mind” or changing what they want. We alone are responsible for our thoughts and our behaviors, and we alone can direct what course our life takes. We can either make our peace with the relationship, or move on. Changing them is not an option.

1. Practice radical acceptance

The first step in finding our place in the friend-zone is deploying radical acceptance. We must accept our circumstances and the wishes (and boundaries) of our friends, but we must also extend this same acceptance to ourselves. We have to accept our emotions and our needs, as well as the things that we want from our romantic lives and our futures. Only when we accept these things, can we make peace with them.

Accept who your friend is, accept their behavior, and accept what they want. Within this accept the reality of your situation, and how these behaviors from your friend impacts your further happiness. Acceptance is not the same as condoning something. It’s simply seeing things for what they truly are.

Look at your own emotions bravely. Look at the way you behave in regards to your friend and look at the impact your relationship has — both negatively and positively — on your life. Is it worth holding on to? Are you willing to stand on the sideline while their life blooms with someone else’s love? There is no right or wrong answer, but it is imperative that you never forget that you cannot force someone to love you. Nor can you change them or the way they see themselves in the world.

2. Let your heart break a little

We tend to look at relationship disappointments like friend-zoning as no big deal, but they can leave an indelible mark on our psyche. Realizing you’ll never be with someone you love is painful, and it’s also a disappointment of future hopes and dreams. It’s crucial that we respect this, and we respect the array of emotions we feel in the wake of such a letdown. In short, we have to allow ourselves to feel the inevitable grief.

Let yourself grieve. Just because you never crossed the finish line with this person doesn’t mean the loss of your hopes mean less. You might have harbored your love for a long time, and learning that it can never progress beyond friendship can be painful. Accept that pain and let it live with you for a set amount of time.

Work hard to understand your grief and embrace it. Don’t act like it’s not a big deal, or that you aren’t hurt. It’s okay to come home and cry. It’s okay to write about it and talk to someone you trust. Grief isn’t relegated just to death and long-term breakups. We can also grieve important things that never happened. It’s all about our emotions and the amount of relevance we place on things like romantic love in our relationships.

3. Open up about your feelings

Opening up to your friend can be a very special and cleansing thing, but it’s something that must be managed with the utmost respect. It’s also crucial that you take some time processing your bigger emotions before approaching them. You can’t open up with the aim of changing their minds. You can only share your truth in the hope of alleviating your own complex regrets.

Once you’ve made your peace with the situation and embraced a path to acceptance, it can be important to open up to the person you care about. You should only do this once you’ve emotionally stabilized yourself around the idea. This conversation isn’t about guilting someone into doing what you want, it’s about sharing the truth if — and only if — that’s something that needs to be done.

Don’t burden someone with this information if it isn’t relevant. If the friendship is extremely important to you, make your peace and then allow some time and space to separate both of you from the events before you open up. Remember, this isn’t about hope or forcing something to happen. It’s simply about being a good enough friend to be honest with the person that you care about. If you’ve made your peace but it’s still not enough, consider opening up to the person you once loved.

4. Pursue new climes

You must pursue new opportunities if you ever want to have a hope of moving on successfully. Just because this person doesn’t return the same love to you does not mean that someone else won’t. You’ll find real and lasting love and affection when you allow yourself to do that. That requires opening up your world again, however, and taking the initiative to see life in a whole new way.

Pursue new relationships. Find new friendships. If you’ve been pushing into the uncomfortable arena of the friend-zone, why not push yourself out a little further into the waters that can actually offer you some opportunities?

Being in a state of discomfort is powerful, and it can move you toward new things. Stop shutting yourself off in the name of of something that will never happen. Have enough respect for yourself to pursue a better option, once the first option falls through. There is nothing noble in holding on to someone who doesn’t want you there. Let go and pursue new passions and climes.

5. Get excited about the future

Perhaps the best way to accept your place in the friend-zone and begin moving on is to get excited about your own future. Once you’ve accepted that the only relationship you’ll share with this person is a platonic one, you can shift your focus and start building a new vision that’s independent of their romantic affection. Start envisioning the person you’re meant to be with, and the life you were meant to build.

Reconnect with your passions and start taking action for the future that offers you fulfillment. Let go of your romantic attachment to the other person and fill that space with your love and zest for life. Stop allowing this partnership to be the sole focus of your energy and your efforts.

Get excited about the future. Understand that there is so much more living to do beyond these handfuls of days, or weeks, or years. Know that there are 5 more people out there who can offer you things that this person never will. We limit ourselves when we limit our visions to people who don’t even want to share in life with us. Stop selling yourself short and make room in your life for the people who want to be there full-time and with commitment and love.

Putting it all together…

Finding ourselves in the friend-zone is never a place we want to be. It’s uncomfortable and hard to navigate, and it often comes with some hard choices we don’t want to make. We have to dig deep and tap into your own acceptance realization in order to navigate such a situation successfully, however. While we can’t make someone else love us, we can take action in the name of our own needs and wellbeing.

Practice some radical acceptance. Embrace the reality of your relationship and understand that it will never progress further than it is right now in this moment. If you cannot make peace with that give yourself some space, then allow your heart to break and allow yourself to grieve the loss of your hopes. Losing a relationship — even before it starts is painful. Feel that pain and work through it so that you can find peace in the friend-zone, or the strength to walk away from it. If you still can’t find peace, open up to your friend and let them know what’s going on. Share how you feel, but remove any expectation of reciprocation. The point of opening up is not to guilt them into loving us. It’s about setting boundaries. Pursue new relationships and fill up the space in your life. Get excited about your future and start building a new picture of tomorrow. You can either make peace with the friend-zone or seek someone who will return your love. The choice is ultimately yours. Do what’s right for you and choose what aligns to your true and authentic happiness.