The benefits of friends with benefits (and the pitfalls to avoid)
Before you jump into a “friends with benefits” relationship, make sure you know what to embrace and what to avoid.
by: E.B. Johnson
Although they often get a bad rap, there can be a lot of benefits to casual intimacy when it’s managed by the right people in the right frame of mind. Popular among these types of casual relationships is a “friends with benefits” set up. Can friends with benefits really work? Can we really get intimate without crossing the line? Yes — but it takes a lot of brutal honesty and a continued commitment to communicating our emotions and needs.
There are a lot of pros to getting physically close to someone we already know and connect with. But there are several pitfalls too. Without clear and candid communication, we risk entangling our emotions in ways which can detonate our lives and broader friendship groups. The friends with benefit setup that doesn’t have clear boundaries and limitations is one that will end in an explosion of drama. If we want to have casual relationships that work, we have to be open and we have to know what we want from day one.
Feeling our way into the right perception.
Casual relationships can offer us a lot of great benefits, but they come with some pitfalls too. It’s all about our perceptions, and the way we see things like intimacy, communication and connection. If we’re obsessed with the idea of a relationship or finding “any port in a storm” this type of casual hookup may not be for us. It’s all about discovering your truth and the people that align with those needs.
Friends with benefits (or FWB) is a phrase that indicates a platonic relationship that also enjoys intimate perks — without the commitment or energy requirements of a full-on romantic partnership. It’s a normal friendship with occasional sex, and it can be a very rewarding sort of relationship when we know how to maneuver within it honestly.
It’s also important to note here that a FWB coupling is not for everyone. These relationships take a certain kind of compartmentalizing that doesn’t work for each and every person. Some of us thrive on committed, focused and romantic relationships, while others thrive on physical connection alone. It’s all about finding the balance and knowing what you need (inside and out) in order to be happy with yourself and the life you’ve built.
The benefits of having a friend with “benefits”.
There are an array of benefits we can gain from opening up a physical, no-strings-attached relationship with our established friends. From learning to let go of our restraints, to finding a safe space to explore our sexual passions — when you find the right person and manage them the right way, a FWB relationship can be just the boost you need.
Letting go of restraints
Friends with benefits offer us some serious value, but primary among this is the freedom. When you’re in this type of relaxed intimate relationship, you are still able to enjoy the benefits of being single, while having the (unattached) comfort and companionship of a partner. You can go out, flirt, experiment and really spend time figuring out what you want from a long-term partner. But, you can also go home at the end of the night and fall into the arms of someone who understands you, and someone who makes you laugh.
Increased confidence
Done the right way, a physical relationship with someone we trust can boost our confidence greatly. Being validated as a friend is nice, but being empowered as a lover can be transformative. It’s not always easy to feel confident or proud in our physical bodies, but learning how to enjoy them on a sexual level can provide a doorway into that. Being comfortable with our lovers (on a casual, friendly level) allows us to explore our sexuality and our bodies in self-esteem boosting ways.
Things already work
Intimacy with friends can happen easily, and it’s not hard to see why. When it comes to friends, you avoid those early awkward days by simply extending your already comfortable friendship into a different plane. You already share a palpable chemistry or you wouldn’t be drawn to one another as friends in the first place. That can go a long way in boosting your physical relationship into some stellar places. When things already work, it’s makes them a lot less awkward to fall into.
Honesty comes easier
Because you don’t have all the added expectations of a romantic partnership, it’s often easier to open up and be honest within a FWB arrangement. You don’t feel the crushing weight of disappointing their dreams. You don’t feel like you owe them your body, your time, or your energy. There are fewer games when it comes to candid, casual flings. There is greater accountability, but less responsibility and expectation. Honesty comes easier, because there’s an understanding from day one that an ending is always on the cards.
Cutting out the emotional baggage
One of the big hurdles in any new relationship is that of overcoming our emotional baggage. Perhaps the most beautiful part of a casual relationship is avoiding this hurdle altogether. The serious emotions (and expectations) don’t come into play with a casual fling. They don’t need to, and they don’t have a place there. For this reason, we don’t have to recount our baggage, or make it a part of the journey. You get to skip the deep sharing and hours of unloading just to make room for one another. Things are simpler when they’re focused strictly on the physical.
Freedom to explore your sexuality
Sharing commitment-free intimacy with someone you trust is liberating, and that includes a certain sexual liberation that is hard to find in any other relationship. Because you trust one another, but you’re beyond the point of needing to impress one another, you’re more open to exposing yourself and being vulnerable sexually. This is great, because when you experiment (and things go well) the lesson is reinforced that it’s okay to seek sexual gratification for yourself. (Spoiler alert: it is.)
Safety and respect as a default
Getting intimate with someone we already know comes with a certain level of safety and mutual respect that is often lacking in new hookups. Because of the experiences we have already shared with them, we have a reference point with one another and a certain level of trust. That does not mean, however, that you are immune from STDs or pregnancy. These are all risks that you still run in the scheme of things, which further reinforces the critical need to remain honest, open and candid with one another.
The pitfalls of getting intimate with friends.
As many benefits as there might be to a FWB arrangement, there are also a number of pitfalls that are easy to find ourselves slipping into. In order to avoid them, we have to understand them and how they eat away at our lives and our other friendships.
Jealousy explosions
Jealousy is a fickle beast and one that can rear its head in the most unlikely of moments. When we don’t stay on top of our emotions, or we fail to be honest with one another, we can find ourselves making assumptions and building up expectations that lead to jealousy and heartbreak. A friend with benefits understanding isn’t about crossing some finish line. It’s about enjoying your body and exploring things you couldn’t if you were on your own (or with a stranger).
Erosion of confidence
A friends with benefits relationship gone wrong can erode our confidence in a number of ways. If the drama of the breakdown explodes our other friendships, we can find ourselves being left alone and feeling as though we aren’t loved and aren’t supported. Likewise, if someone you care about turns out to be less-ideal than you imagined, you can find yourself disappointed in them — but also in yourself. You might come to doubt your body or even your ability to make the right choices for yourself.
Complicated friendships
It’s important to remember that — no matter how hard you try — a friend with benefits partnership can throw a wrench into your other friendships. Some friend groups literally don’t care about who hooks up with who, but in other groups there is a lot more history, emotion, or interconnectedness that makes this a lot more difficult. Even though you and your “special friend” might do your best to keep things discreet, word gets around, and it can cause corrosion in adjacent friendship circles…or even your own friendship.
Selling out value
Because our friends are so important to us, we can often get caught up in our own feelings about them. Though we might not love them as a romantic partner, we still want the best for them and we still want them to like us. When these emotions become too strong we risk selling out our view, however. We start making compromises and pushing the limits of the boundary lines, which ultimately leads to our unease and unhappiness within the arrangement.
Blurring the lines of rationality
Though many of us like to think we can separate our emotional bodies from our physical plane — it’s not as simple as it sounds. Our physical experiences here necessarily involve our emotions in ways that are both self-preserving and growth encouraging. When we (inevitably) involve our emotions within our FWB relationships, things can get tricky and we can quickly see our rational decision-making abilities becoming skewed. Emotions are powerful things, and when they come into the play logic can often go out of the door.
Extra complicated heartbreak
When our friends with benefits relationships go wrong, they really go wrong. Our friends form a foundation of our happiness, and a breakdown in those relationships can seriously undermine our happiness. If one of you fails to keep it together, you can find that the drama spills out and over into your friend groups — detonating entire circles, your family and even your career (if you friend also happens to work with you). The heartbreak becomes extra complicated when so many people are involved.
Taking up valuable space
Whether we like to admit it or not, even the best of friends with benefits relationships run the risk of taking up valuable real estate in our lives. No matter how many boundaries we set, or how candid we are with one another, when we turn our attention on someone — it takes it away from someone else. On top of that, potential partners can be intimidated by this type of relationship if viewing from the outside. Without the correct context, they can misread the understanding and come to make their own (incorrect) judgements.
How to manage a casual relationship the right way.
Just because there are risks does not mean that a friend with benefits relationship can’t work out. When managed within the right perspective, and with the right boundaries always in mind, we can come together in magical ways that benefit our confidence and direction in love and intimacy.
1. Be absolutely clear on the boundaries
Boundaries are a crucial part of any relationship, but they become especially important when it comes to our casual physical relationships. Our emotions are linked closely to our physical needs, and we need our boundaries and our limitations to protect those needs and our wellbeing. We must be clear about our boundaries, both with ourselves and with those we are closest to.
Before you take any big steps — before you even broach the subject of a friend with benefits relationship — take some time getting clear on you. Dig deep and get real about what you want from your relationship, both emotional and physical.
If you’re a jealous person, be honest. If you’re someone who can’t have sex without getting emotionally attached, be honest about that. Beyond that, look to your limits and the things that are deal breakers for you. Can you watch while someone you’re sleeping with flirts with someone else? Are you emotionally detached enough to play wingman on a night out if needed? These are important things to consider when it comes to casual intimacy.
2. Set up plans ahead of conflict
Waiting until there is a problem in your new partnership is a bad way to operate. Before you and your friend ever take the first step into the FWB zone, you need to have some escape plans, and some guidelines for what you’re going to do when things get “sticky”. Set up plans ahead of conflict and make sure everyone involved knows where the emergency exits are before takeoff.
Communicate your boundaries with one another and make sure you both understand that you have a right to hit the “escape button” at any point. A FWB relationship doesn’t work if it doesn’t work for both of you or feel comfortable, respectable and right.
Set limits and share those limits with one another. Check in regularly and have a contingency plan for things like a new love interest coming into the picture, or even nights out with shared friend groups. There are a lot of lines that can’t be crossed with it comes to a FWB relationship. Ensure that you both know where those lines are at all times, and talk about how you want to address the crossings before you get to the bridges.
3. Maintain brutal honesty at all times
Among the most important things you can do when it comes to a casual relationship is to maintain brutal honesty at all times. This means being honest about your intentions, but also your boundaries, your feelings, your expectations — and even the changing degrees between your own friendship. Without this honesty, our feelings get entangled and our platonic relationships get completely destroyed.
Make sure you’re being clear about what you want at all times (including when feelings shift, change, or otherwise feel “off”). Likewise, demand that same level of honesty from your FWB partner, no matter how casual the relationship might be.
This honesty isn’t just about keeping the lines clear with the other person. It’s about keeping them clear for ourselves. The more often we speak our truth out loud, the deeper we reaffirm it for ourselves. This enables us to stand strong beside our values and stand up for ourselves if and or when things cross the line or are ready to come to a close. Don’t shy away from the truth. If you want your new casual intimacy to work, be brutally honest with each other.
4. Walk away from relationship folds
Relationship folds are the little glitches and hiccups that occur in our FWB partnerships, in which we start to see them as more than we should. Often, these are fleeting moments of madness, but they can also linger and cause some issues. We have to keep our ultimate goals in mind and learn when to walk away, when things are starting to cross into a gray zone that risks our friendships.
Do not expect your physical relationship to turn into a romantic one. What you’re sharing is not romantic love. It is trust, and it is vulnerability, but it is not lasting romantic love. Learn to separate sex from the expectations and save those for someone who has the same life goals (and values) aligned with yours.
Walk away from relationship folds. If you start to expect (or even want) something more long-term with this person, it’s time to take a step back and reassess your boundaries and your needs. As humans, we’re always changing and growing — and that includes what we want. What you have with your friend now can quickly change, and it can change for the worse. Pay close attention to your feelings, your body and your deeper truths.
5. Take an emotional temperature
Too often, we put our emotions on the back-burner and that’s something that can’t happen in this FWB situation. Getting familiar with our emotions begins with taking our emotional temperature, and getting to the bottom of why we feel a certain sort of way, or why we’re engaging in certain behaviors or situational reactions. Find a nice and quiet pace where you’ll be uninterrupted and take your emotional temperature.
Ask yourself questions like, “What is the biggest emotion that I am feeling right now in this moment?” Describe it to yourself, and don’t hold back from any aspect of the emotion you’re experiencing. If you can only come up with vague answers like “fine,” dig a little deeper. More often than not, these cloudy or murky states of being come down to our own resistance to take an unflinching look at what’s actually lurking beneath.
When your emotions cross into the “no-go” zone — it’s time to open up. The most important aspect of this exercise is not to rush it. Have a notebook to record what you’re feeling and allow yourself the freedom to chip away over a couple of sessions if that’s what’s needed. Describe every single thing you’re feeling and don’t just focus on the pleasurable things. Your emotions will lead you in a lot of different directions and none of them is necessarily wrong. The only wrong thing to do is to deny them and hide them from the people they impact.
Putting it all together…
Though it often gets a bad rap, “friends with benefits” relationships can be incredibly beneficial. Managed appropriately, they can offer us confidence, companionship, and the chance to explore parts of ourselves we can’t often explore with new romantic partners. Our friends know us for our good and our bad sides, and that can be very beneficial when you’re looking for casual love. These are delicate relationships, though, and for that reason we must handle them with honesty and candidness.
Be absolutely clear on your boundaries and set those boundaries (both with yourself and with one another) ahead of any physical intimacy. Without being absolutely clear on what you want and what is and isn’t acceptable, you run the risk of getting entangled in something that is both toxic and life-destroying. Set up your plans for dialogue and conflict ahead of time and don’t wait until you struggle to consider what you want. You must demand brutal honesty with one another at all times, sharing everything from how you’re feeling emotionally to what you want in the bedroom. Walk away from any relationship folds and know that your platonic relationship is not worth risking for a romantic one you know won’t work. Take your emotional temperatures regularly and share them candidly with one another. Being friends with benefits can be greatly beneficial or destructive. The choice comes down to finding where the lines lie between one another and the things you want for your futures.
