Understanding your relationship addiction so you can find happiness
When you’re addicted to chasing other people, it can prevent you from truly loving yourself.
by: E.B. Johnson
No matter where you look these days, you’re confronted with images of romantic love. It seems to be at the core of everything we do and for that reason, romantic relationships seem to dominate our focus. This obsession with love isn’t healthy, however. And it can lead to some seriously skewed perspectives when it comes to creating the lives and partnerships we want for ourselves.
Rather than becoming obsessed with our relationships, we have to learn to see them for what they are. When we obsess over partners, we force ourselves and others into boxes that don’t fit and don’t bring happiness or true connection. If you’re someone who’s obsessed with the idea of finding “the one” then it’s time to get real about your need for a relationship. Let go of your need to be defined by others and unlock the happiness that lies completely within your own power.
Getting hooked on relationships.
Though we don’t always think of us, many of us rove through this life desperately chasing love in a manner that borders on obsession. This addiction to love and relationships can be highly toxic, and it can lead us to some truly dark places that only detract from our dreams and the things we are trying to accomplish in this life. Creating truly healthy and fulfilling relationships means overcoming our love addiction (when we suffer from one) while getting real about what it is we need to thrive.
In short, a love addiction occurs when you get hooked on the various feelings, emotions and levels of intimacy and security a relationship provides. For some, this addiction might mean clinging to someone who clearly doesn’t love them in return. Or, it might flitting from relationship to relationship — clawing around for a physical connection that’s being used as a substitute for the deeper meaning we’re trying to find.
Like any addiction, getting hooked on our partners, spouses or the things we think they provide for us causes us to miss out on a lot of opportunities; not least of all the chance to bloom into the individual we were always meant to be. If you’re struggling in a marriage or partnership that just seems to flounder on the rocks again and again, the answer might not lie so much in what the two of you are doing wrong as what you never did right. Only when we get real about nurturing our own needs and then looking to connect with others can we create healthy and fulfilling relationships that add (rather than detracting from) our overall happiness.
Why we get addicted to our partners.
There are many reasons we get addicted to the feeling of being in love, or the feeling of being in a relationship. Our partnerships provide support, but they also offer comfort, stability, and security. If you’re someone who had a rough childhood, or someone with low self-worth and unaddressed emotions — read on. You might be dealing with an addiction you didn’t know you had.
Childhood experiences
Childhood is a critical period of development, and it is during this time that we learn things like attachment and how to deal with and resolve our emotional discomfort. When you are raised in a turbulent or dysfunctional environment, however, these lessons can be misread, mis-taught or otherwise misinterpreted in ways that cause us dysfunction later on in life. If you’re someone who learned at an early age that they couldn’t trust their parents, siblings or other caretakers — it can have a major impact on how you connect with others later in life and create insecurities around your perception of self.
Attachment disorders
When we are dealing with broken or slightly imbalanced methods of attachment, it can cause us to place too much (or too little) emphasis on the important — and unimportant — parts of a relationship. This is where obsession with people comes in, and it’s also where an obsession with romance or sex can enter into the relationship as well. Leaving our attachment disorders unaddressed can have disastrous effects on our self-esteem and longterm wellbeing and happiness as well.
Unaddressed emotions
Our emotions are a powerful thing, and they can lead us to a lot of brilliant and a lot of scary places. As humans, we work hard to avoid uncomfortable emotions like sadness and anger, but when we fail to address these emotions that just turn around to compound over time. Slowly, they become insecurities, that manifest themselves subtly through our behavior and the decisions that we make. And, before we know it, we’re having a major blow-up, a meltdown and turning on a partner (or clinging to them) in ways that are completely self-defeating.
Low self-worth
Low self-worth is one of the biggest reasons we fall into the trap of love and relationship addiction, and it most often manifests as an obsession with our partners, their needs, or the romantic feelings we get in their presence. When you don’t think you’re good enough to get what you want — or what you deserve — it can cause you to stick around in relationships that don’t suit you, in a false association between love and what your value is. Those with low self-worth can find themselves stuck with partner who both abuse and dismiss them; despite their knowledge that neither of those behaviors is acceptable or loving.
The ways we express relationship addiction.
Love addiction isn’t just a one-size-fits-all manifestation. When you suffer from a need to be defined by another person, it can lead to getting hooked on romance, physical intimacy and even the presence of people in general. Being truly happy, however, only happens when we base our happiness on what’s dwelling within.
Hooked on romance
Romance addicts are an airy lot, with their heads stuck in the clouds and their mind’s eye forever focused on grandiose and epic gestures of love and affection. They’ll misread signs and over-inflate their ideas of love, creating delusion and lack of discernment everywhere they go. Becoming obsessed easily, they flit from relationship to relationship — while never having a single real relationship at all. That’s because they’re not interested in connecting. They’re interested in getting their dopamine hit from a new relationship, then moving on to the next one.
Sex obsessed
Sex addiction — as a definition — is pretty straight forward, but the reasons behind it and the consequences of it aren’t’ always as plain to see. A sex addict isn’t so concerned with the romance of their relationships, and they’re not concerned with meaningfully connecting or working through things consciously. Instead, to them, sexual gratification is the only thing that holds worth, and they are always looking for a chance to tackle another conquest. Rather they realize it or not, these behaviors often come from deep-rooted places of loneliness, shame or other ideas of low self-worth.
Relationship-only
Those with a relationship addiction prioritize their relationships over everything else, but this does not mean that they do the same for their partners. To this love addict, they just need to be engulfed by another person — it doesn’t necessarily matter who. They’re constantly chasing an over-idealized partnership that seems to be more about the experience than actually connecting on a meaningful level. They might rush into relationships and change their entire lives to fit some box they believe their partnerships should fit within.
The best ways to overcome your need to be in a relationship.
If you’re addicted to love, you can retrain yourself to have healthy boundaries around connection and affection — but it’s going to take some time and deep digging. The pain that causes us to skew the way we attach runs far into the core of who we are, so it takes some nuance and easy nudging to free. Use the following techniques to open up the door and start the process of building better partnerships for tomorrow.
1. Be honest with yourself
Honesty is the first step in any journey that requires us to free ourselves of toxic patterns of behavior or belief. Only when we honestly embrace our faults or flaws for what they are can we begin to work to change them. That, of course, takes a radical dose of self-acceptance and the knowledge that no one will ever be able to accept you for who you truly are until you do the same.
If you’re struggling with your relationships, or feel as though you’re having a hard time connecting on real level — take a step back and take some time alone to think honesty and openly. Use a journal to describe how you’re feeling, and then use that same space to analyze and compare how you’re acting (or reacting) and how you want to act in future.
Be brutally honest with yourself. If you’re jumping from relationship and relationship, ask yourself why you can’t be happy with one person. Dig deep into what you’re looking for, and compare it against what you’re getting right now. If you’re not getting the results you want, the partners that stick…make a plan to change it. Center that plan around an honest assessment of who you are and what you need from your experience here to make it feel meaningful and worthwhile.
2. See reality for what it is
One of the biggest reasons we find ourselves addicted to love and relationships is our tendency to see things through rose-tinted glasses. When you love someone (or think that you love someone) it can cause you to force things through a false filter that skews the reality of what’s happening. In order to break free of the addiction we feel to a person or the feelings we get when we’re around them — we have to see our relationships for what they are and accept the flaws that exist there.
Once you’ve gotten honest about your flawed attachment styles, it’s important to apply that honesty to all other aspects of your relationship and your partner’s contributions. See them for who they are, and see your relationship for what it really is. Though we all play a hand in our own unhappiness, there are always external factors at work in that unhappiness too.
Take off the rose-tinted glasses and steel yourself. Admit to the part you’re playing in your addiction, but admit too to the part your partner and environment might be playing. Does your partner or spouse isolate you and encourage you to depend on them and them alone? Do they include your friends, your family? Do they encourage you to move toward the promotions that you want or the hobbies you want to pursue? These are questions only you can answer, and they’re important ones — depending on what the meaning is that’s defined by your time on this planet.
3. Shift your worst-case perception
Relationship breakdowns are hard, and they can be made even harder by the belief that our relationships are a defining or overly-important part of who we are. When you see a relationship as the only means to happiness, it can result in the belief that a breakup is the worst-case scenario and an ending of life. This pressure will cause us to stay in relationships that don’t suit, or pursue relationships that we don’t want. All in the name of avoiding something that isn’t as bad or life-shattering as we build it up to be.
Get real about what the ending of a relationship actually means. See that it is not the end of the world that you imagine it to be, and rather — just a change. When we lose our partnerships, or find them drifting apart, it can be painful but it is also transformative. Through these shifts and these changes we discover bigger parts of who we are, and realize a new life that is entirely our own.
Shift your worst-case perception and understand that relationships (be they romantic, sexual or platonic) are not the only foundation of happiness in this life. These connections can offer great benefits in our lives, but they can also be major detractions from providing ourselves with the care and nurturing we need from within. Don’t get lost in someone else or become obsessed with them because you fear what will happen if you don’t. Embrace the unknown and know that you don’t need another person to be in your gravity, just to feel a sense of existence. You are enough, and you always have been.
4. Differentiate between want and love
There’s a big difference between wanting to be loved and truly being loved. When we want to be loved, we chase things and put ourselves up on a pedestal — determined to show only our best face to the world (and any prospective partners). When we are truly loved, however, we are seen for who we are and accepted for who we are…no pretenses or hard work needed.
Just because you want someone to love you does not mean they will, and there is nothing you can do to make them. No matter how hard you work, no matter how beautiful you make yourself appear, or how successful you might be, there is no way to force someone into seeing your value and your worth as a person and a partner.
Stop chasing people who don’t want to chase you in return, and stop pursuing imbalanced relationships in which there is no space for your authentic needs or perception of self. When you begin to differentiate between real love and the “chase” you’ll be able to better connect on meaningful levels, and also become better able to identify your own needs in (and out) of a relationship. Just as we can never change our partners, we can also never change their feelings. Don’t spend your life burning time for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you.
5. Lean into friendships
We live in a society that places a high value on romantic love and (depending on what your particular society and local culture is like) a decreasing value on platonic love and friendship. These relationships can be just as, if not more valuable, however, and they can provide just as many opportunities to transform and further grow into who were meant to be.
Fall in love with platonic love, and allow that love to fill up the space you’re so desperately trying to fill with romantic love. If you’re someone who has constantly been chasing a new partner — or, if you’re someone who’s spent the last decade obsessed with a relationship that’s splintering — then lean into the friendships and try to find the value you can get from low-pressure relationships that are based on more realistic levels of give-and-take.
The friendships that we build within our families and our social networks can provide critical support and perspective when we need it most. And, they can also be the reality check that keeps us anchored to who we really are and what we really want. Open up to the friends that you can trust and let your support network catch you and reassure you when things feel unstable. Value their point of view, but also let them value yours. Realize how much nourishment their companionship provides (without romance or a need to get intimate) and embrace how that makes you feel.
6. Identify your patterns
As humans, we are creatures of habit, and those habits are often compacted down into a series of patterns that indicate when we’re spiraling or heading for trouble. Stepping away from the people and relationships that detract from our happiness and experience requires identifying these patterns and learning how to spot the triggers that drive us to those places of vulnerability and insecurity.
Start noticing the things that drive you desperately into the arms of a person who isn’t right for you, and look for the common triggers that might cause you to revert to old methods that you know only leave you desperate and hurt. Mindful journaling is a great way to recount painful learning experiences that better allow you to access what’s going on emotionally and where you want to go .
Identify your patterns and record them. If you notice an increased tendency to get clingy when your partner gets distant — note it — then work backwards, trying to understand what experiences in your past has led you to the need to exert that behavior. Be honest, and don’t shy away from things like family conflict that could hold big revelations. When you start to recognize your patterns and how they relate to your behaviors, you can start avoiding specific triggers and start creating an environment you can thrive in independently.
7. Nurture your own needs
Often, the reasons our relationships breakdown and become toxic is because we allow them to. Tracing this back (as above) we frequently find that this allowance comes from a place of insecurity or a loss of self and personal identity. When we fail to nurture our needs and the things we want in this life, we lose ourselves and become pushovers and ghosts of who we want to be. That’s why it’s critical to learn how to love ourselves if we’re ever going to find happiness with someone else.
Stop looking for other people to fulfill your needs or make you feel wanted. Provide those things to yourself and start looking after your own needs first so that you can then look after the needs of those you care about. Only when you feel happy and healed from within will you be able to attract a partner with the same qualities.
Think about who you are and who you want to be. Do it regularly. Compare those things against where you’re at right now, and the people that are taking up space in your life. If you’re unhappy with who you are or where you’re going, you’re the only person that has the ability to change that. Fall in love with who you really are and open the door on the strengths you possess. Nurture your needs, and give your soul the food it needs to thrive — so you can exist independently of someone else’s unreliable light and affection.
8. Educate yourself
At the end of the day, any addiction to relationships or love is going to come down to the issues that stem from our childhood and past experiences. Sometimes, these experiences are very dark and very traumatic, and also locked away in places that are hard or unsafe for us to access. For that reason, it’s important to continually educate ourselves on trauma and how it impacts the way we function and connect with others. On top of that, it’s important to know that (sometimes) professional help is a must.
If you are someone who grew up in a truly violent, traumatic or otherwise disruptive environment — your attachment issues might better be addressed with the aid of a mental health professional that can provide unbiased and logical perspectives. Developing in home plagued by drug and alcohol abuse, as well as sexual, mental, physical or emotional abuse can create complexes and patterns that can only be adjusted and aided by therapy.
Read all the literature; watch all the Youtube videos. Teach yourself everything you can about the traumatic experiences and the way they impact the relationships you build (or destroy). Do not, however, push yourself into extraordinarily painful places, or places where you would not otherwise send a child alone. Have enough compassion and respect for yourself to learn everything you can, but also know when it’s time to open the door on someone with a better point of view than your friends or your family.
Putting it all together…
Romantic love is an idea that seems to be on everyone’s mind, yet it seems to be one that is nothing more than a distant fairy tale for so many. Love addicts exist everywhere among us, thriving on connection and new relationships and exciting romance. So many of them seem to be unhappy, however, and so many of them still seem to be searching for something that’s just out of reach. Overcoming our addiction to love and relationships is critical, but it’s a process that takes time and a lot of brutal self-acceptance.
Be honest with yourself and be honest about how you’re attaching and why. Part of finding our way back to healthy attachment methods means getting real about how we’re connecting with our partners and why. Take off the rose-tinted glasses and start seeing the world (and your relationship) for what it is. If this person isn’t for you, there will be another one out there, but you have to give yourself the freedom to leap. Learn to differentiate between wanting someone and loving them, and lean into the friendships that can prove to you that platonic love is just as fulfilling as romantic love and relationships. Nurture your own needs and stop looking for someone else to nurture them for you. Spot your patterns and educate yourself on all the ways you’re allowing yourself to be hurt. Happy relationships are possible, but they don’t bloom in obsession and they only thrive when we water them with our own independence and love of self.
