I Ridiculously Called Myself a Stay-At-Home Mother

But I was playing a role in a man’s life — one hard to recover from

I’ve just gotten home from the hospital with my first son. There are a dozen roses on the dining room table. Ten of the roses are red and two of them are yellow.

“From the two men in your life,” the card reads.

I’m completely taken aback.

It’s the nicest thing my now ex-husband ever did for me.

It still is. He was not a romantic guy. He was not a thoughtful guy. He was not a celebratory guy. He was not a holiday guy. In that respect, I was typically an afterthought.

I had quit my job several years earlier to build a business with my husband.

I was raised by a single mother who worked.

My husband had grown up more traditionally.

His father worked outside of the home and his mother was a stay-at-home mom. My husband wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom since he had grown up that way.

I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother too.

My decision was more emotional than new motherhood.

My mom had gotten sick when I was 24 and I lost her when I was 28. I had our first baby two years later. The joy was as indescribable as any new mom feels.

But it also felt like I had that cherished relationship back in my life.

Albeit, the reciprocal.

It filled my heart.

It was the last bit of healing I needed to let go of my Mom.

Initially, I brought my son to work with me every day. We couldn’t yet afford to hire someone to replace me. When he turned a year old, I got two college students to be my babysitter several days a week.

We were finally able to hire my replacement.

I didn’t become a stay-at-home mother as I initially thought.

I was a woman who ‘stepped into a role.’

What can I tell other women about roles? What can I say from one stay-at-home mother to another? Don’t kid yourself.

Roles are damaging.

They are incredibly damaging to a relationship.

They shift the dynamics and alter the distribution of power.

No one should have the power in a relationship but no one should be powerless either. You go from best friends…to husband and wife…to financial provider and caretaker.

Roles can also damage an individual.

They can strip you of your identity.

They can label you.

And you guessed it, labels can be destructive too. As my sister always says, “Labels aren’t great because you can give people lots of labels that aren’t necessarily viewed as positive.”

You can say someone is ugly, lazy, bossy, or fat.

There are positive labels too. You can say someone is smart, funny, creative, or attractive. These don’t tend to haunt an individual like the unsavory ones.

They don’t necessarily dog you.

And then there are the married and divorced labels. One obviously has a less positive connotation. Divorce can be a harsh moniker to adjust to.

When women become stay-at-home mothers it’s less a job and work.

Or should I say society views it less as a job and work?

It’s a role women play.

It often causes an imbalance in our marital relationships. Unless, you happen to have an incredibly mature, confident, and respectful spouse. It can take down your marriage and you along with it.

The positive label of mother may one day be replaced.

Whether you remain married or get divorced.

You could be labeled.

You might be called lazy, unproductive, unskilled, or unmotivated.

You could be viewed as someone who contributed nothing to the family financially. You could be seen as irrelevant in the professional world. You could be considered by society as an antiquated relic of a more traditional time.

From one stay-at-home mother to another…

Don’t kid yourself.

Stay-at-home mothers play a role.

We get labeled.

And it can be hard to recover from.