I Refuse to Be Painted as a Woman Who Took Advantage of a Man for Years

My ex & society can shove the false stay-at-home mom narrative

There was a sense of shock reading my husband’s words on his divorce paperwork. A visceral feeling of disgust, horror, and betrayal. How had I ever attached myself to a man like this?

“No life insurance Ralph. $100,000 term life insurance Colleen.”

My husband had canceled his nearly 2 million dollar life insurance policy.

But had continued to pay one on me.

I had no idea.

The first thing I did was call the life insurance company.

“We can’t give you that information,” says the representative.

“What do you mean?” I ask. “These are our policies and I’m trying to determine exactly when it was canceled.”

“I can tell you when the one policy was canceled,” she says. “But I can’t give you any information on your policy.”

“Why?” I say. “It’s my policy.”

“No,” she says. “You are not the policyholder.”

“Are you kidding me?” I say. “Are you saying my husband is both the owner and the beneficiary of the policy?”

“Yes,” she says.

I hung up the phone.

And then I remembered something.

The new life insurance policies my husband had gotten after he took over our finances. He told me he had found better rates. I signed them without thoroughly looking them over.

Stupid I know.

I thought I was married to my best friend and college sweetheart.

Not a monster.

I didn’t realize my husband had an agenda when he suddenly wanted to pay the bills. I should have since I’d just told him how unhappy I was. It should have been a huge red flag. I had always managed our finances for our home, business, and investment properties.

Again, I thought I was married to my best friend.

Not a monster.

I would never have agreed to him being the owner of my policy. I would have made him the beneficiary as he had been in the past, not both.

At this point, we are two years into our never-ending divorce.

I can’t believe my husband has kept this policy on me while canceling his own.

Worse, he had canceled his policy years ago.

We had always been extremely responsible. I was completely unaware that while I was attempting to save our marriage, he canceled his nearly 2 million dollar life insurance policy.

He didn’t care that we had three children under sixteen at that point.

He didn’t wonder how we would get by if the worst happened. He cared about only one thing. In his mind, that was his money. In his mind, he paid for that policy. In his mind, he didn’t want me to get anything.

Think about that for a moment.

I certainly have.

The extreme calculation it takes to be an individual that thinks like this.

But my husband didn’t see me as anything but a stay-at-home mother. A drain. A financial liability. An obligation. An ungrateful woman who said she was unhappy and thinking of leaving him.

A woman that a man was taking care of.

A woman who was taking advantage of a man.

My husband said a few other things on those divorce documents.

“I would like the court to consider I am the only one who contributed to the marital property.”

I know why my husband kept that life insurance policy on me.

I know exactly how he thinks.

My husband wanted money for his aggravation if something were to happen. He wanted to be compensated for bearing the burden of a supposedly non-contributing woman.

A woman who he thought took advantage of him.

A woman he believed he solely supported.

The private investigator I hired was concerned for other reasons. He wasn’t wrong. It’s definitely alarming to know that a man would consciously cancel his own life insurance policy while continuing to pay for his wife.

And make himself the policy owner and the beneficiary.

These are disturbing and devious actions.

I called my husband.

Little did he know I knew the answer to the question I was about to ask him. But I wanted to hear it from him. I wanted to hear his own lies from his own mouth.

“You canceled your own life insurance policy but have continued to pay a policy on me years into our divorce? I say. “When did you cancel your policy?”

“I’m not sure,” says my husband. “I think it was when the business had the big financial collapse.”

“Really?” I say. “Why then would you keep a policy on me?”

“Oh,” he says. “It’s because it gets debited out of the bank account every month and I would have had to send a check once a year to keep my policy current.”

That’s it.

That’s the extent of our conversation.

He’s not apologetic. He’s not remorseful. He’s not ashamed to have gotten caught. Not to mention, he’s boldly lying about a supposed financial collapse of our business.

The year he’s referencing is four years before I initiate a divorce.

The business made more money than it ever had.

The business I helped build.

The business I was President and 50% owner of.

But I was also a stay-at-home mother.

My husband saw zero value in that. At least, not after he got everything he needed from this stay-at-home mother. Not after he never had to get up in the middle of the night with our babies. Not after he never had to go in late, come home early, or miss a meeting.

Not after every single one of his needs were met.

My husband arrogantly and abusively reduced my value.

He’s not the only one.

Society plays into the false narrative of the stay-at-home mother.

There would be outrage and there has been for women who are mistreated in the workplace. There’s been a reckoning for the unseemly men who disgracefully abuse their power.

The professional world now rejects abusive men.

The domestic world still indulges them.

Stay-at-home mothers aren’t relevant.

Motherhood is considered an expense of divorce.

A drain. A financial obligation. A liability.

Where is society’s outrage? Where is the outcry? Where are the voices calling out this injustice? Where are the evolved individuals? The ones who acknowledge the role stay-at-home mothers fill despite not receiving an income for that work?

Why is society still sleeping through this inequity?

Why is divorce an excuse for abuse?

Why is a woman who made massive sacrifices for her family left with no savings or retirement? Why is that same woman and her children subjected to severe financial abuse? Why doesn’t she have food to feed her children, health insurance, or a car to drive?

Because she’s attempting to divorce her husband?

That’s why she struggles to provide basic needs for her children.

Worse, she’s a stay-at-home mother who has to witness her kids' angst. She has to soothe their pain and calm their worries. She has to watch her children sadly acknowledge their family’s truth.

Their mother is a stay-at-home mother.

She’s financially vulnerable and at the mercy of one man.

Their own father inflicted this abuse.

It won’t stop there.

They will worry about how their stay-at-home mother will rebuild her life. They will agonize over her monetary struggles. They will take on the problems that don’t belong to them. The financial and emotional angst their dad burdened them with.

A father consumed with control and money.

A man who created a false narrative?

One that society sadly indulges.

I refuse to be painted as a woman who took advantage of a man for years.

Motherhood shouldn’t be an expense of divorce.