I Met a New Guy
Could one date get me over the man I don’t want to forget?
I’m out with a friend and it’s not my favorite place to go for a drink. I like to call this particular bar…the bad effects of divorce. I’m being a bit of a smart-ass but it’s kind of true.
We are talking to two men because I had met one of them previously.
But our recently broken-hearted friend needs us so we bolt.
The two guys show up later.
“I told you this was a much nicer place,” I say.
“Yes,” says the friend of the guy I had met weeks before.
I’m surprised because the longer we talk, the more I find myself drawn to him. He’s handsome and fun and there’s something about him. Namely…he seems like a good guy.
But you know me.
I am oddly embracing and enjoying NOT getting over my 5-week guy.
It’s a choice.
I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to acknowledge that I won’t ever laugh with him or see him again. It’s stupid. It’s silly. It’s not healthy.
Technically, I blocked him.
I’ve never blocked anyone.
I think it’s immature but I did it. It was a knee-jerk reaction. It seemed smart at the time. I was upset and I thought I might say something I regretted saying.
I’ve unblocked him but he doesn’t necessarily know that.
Anyway…
Back to healing and starting over.
This guy asks me about dating.
“I didn’t date for a long time,” I say. “I just recently decided to see someone and he got transferred. In the weeks since he left, I’ve been asked out a few times and I’ve declined.”
“Why?” he asks.
“Well,” I say. “Partially because I’m not sure I want to get over the guy who moved.”
“Tell me why you turned down each of them,” he says.
“Well,” I say. “One of them knows that I was seeing someone and said he’s going to wait and ask me again when he thinks I’m over him. The other guy was super nice but not a lot of fun and way too young. I actually would have gone out with the third guy if he had followed up with me once he took my number.”
“What was he like?” he says.
“Oh,” I say. “He was super complicated. He had a ‘you can’t make this stuff up’ kind of past but I met his family so I know he’s being honest. He’s paid a price for the mistakes he made.”
“I get it,” he says. “You like the bad boy.”
“No,” I say. “I’m well over my bad boy phase. This guy was joyful and fun and funny. I loved that he was close to his family and I liked that he owned his history. He was about the same age as the guy I was just seeing.”
“No,” he says. “You like bad boys.”
“No,” I say. “I don’t. The guy I was seeing was a good guy, it just didn’t end well for multiple reasons.”
The more we talk the more I’m interested.
It turns out he’s been divorced for a long time and I’m drawn to that.
I feel like there’s more time for healing and knowing what you want.
“Okay,” he says. “What are you looking for in a man?”
“Well,” I say. “He’s gotta love dogs and his momma.”
“Oh,” he says. “I’m two for two.”
“What?” I say. “You don’t like dogs or your momma?”
I’m disappointed.
He smiles.
“I’m just not a big animal person and not that close to my mom,” he says.
Ugh, these are my dating deal-breakers.
I like him so I keep digging.
He shows me a picture of one of his children.
As they say…a picture is worth a thousand words. The love and joy between him and his daughter are undeniable. This is a man who is incredibly close to his grown children.
“You’re close to your children?” I ask.
“Yes,” he says. “I would do anything for my children. I raised them after my divorce.”
It turns out his ex-wife had some problems that were difficult to overcome.
He was the primary parent from a young age.
Now it’s making sense that he’s been single for more than a decade since his divorce. He’s seriously dated a few people but he’s never re-married.
“Oh my gosh,” I say. “You’re a great father. I’m going to have to reclaim my earlier disappointment that you aren’t necessarily a huge animal lover or close to your mom.”
We talked a little bit about his last serious relationship.
The sum of it?
The relationship could be a little difficult. It seemed like he was looking for someone who had an easy-going personality. I believed what he was telling me.
Why?
Because just as I had attracted myself to and married a difficult personality that was unpredictable, so had he. In my case, my ex-husband was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, and in his case, his ex seemed to have addiction issues.
“What are you looking for in a woman?” I ask.
“I would say someone who is pretty, fit, and nice,” he says.
But our prior conversation had told me more.
This was a good man.
He wanted to have fun and have a simple relationship and his kids came first.
I get that.
Ironically, it’s what I loved about my 5-week guy. He was joyful, fun, funny, and kind. It was easy. It wasn’t at all complicated. It was the happiest I’ve been in the past ten years.
I’m sure it’s why I am resisting letting go of him.
It wasn’t remotely bad boy.
A ‘bad boy’ is a code for a difficult personality.
I’m old enough and smart enough to understand that now.
I’m not entirely sure how interested this guy was in me. My friends thought he was because he talked to me for so long. I’ll have to give him kudos if that’s true.
After all, I wasn’t sporting my best look.
We had spent the day nursing my friend’s broken heart.
We took a long walk and then took her for some champagne. It was a cold day. I was fully committed to my coat and winter beanie hat. It was fine when I initially met him in the outdoor bar.
But when they came to the other bar we said we were going to…
It wasn’t my best look.
I took off my coat but my hair wasn’t going to survive abandoning the hat.
I seem to meet the guys I’m most interested in at my very worst.
Maybe that means I am attracting myself to actual good guys this time around. I met my 5-week guy at the pool with no makeup and curly hair. I hate wearing my hair curly.
I met the ‘you can’t make this up guy’ with no makeup and a baseball hat.
And this guy…
I think I’ll call him ‘plane guy.’ He’s a pilot, not by profession but by passion. I met him wearing an outdoor hat in a bar all night long.
He said they were coming back out to the bar we were at.
We will see if he does.
Although we might not be the best match. My ex-husband used to say I was more fun in the airport than I was the entire trip on account of my uneasy flying. I liked to have a few pre-boarding cocktails.
Small planes might make me even more nervous.
But I like this guy.
I would say yes if he asked me out.
That’s progress…
My 5-week guy might have some competition.