This Happened When I Told My Husband I Wanted to Leave Him

It made me feel sorry for him and put off leaving

I’ve never told this aspect of my story. It’s one detail that I’ve left out despite more than a decade as a relationship columnist. In some ways, I think I thought it was a personal detail but it has a much larger meaning.

“I’m leaving him,” I say.

“You are not,” says my friend.

“I am,” I say. “I never married the man I dated for six years. I tolerated his coldness and cruelty during those first eight years of marriage because it confused me. I didn’t know where the great guy I dated had gone. But that horrific cycle several times a year was unbearable. It got better after marriage counseling. Those were six good six years but I promised myself I would never go back to that.”

“No,” says my friend. “You are not really going to leave him.”

“I told him I wouldn’t revisit that cold cruelty ever again,” I say. “The pattern is back and it’s happening frequently enough. This isn’t a minor setback. This is who he is. He just cared enough for the six years post-marriage counseling to control it.”

My friend has known us since our 20s.

She’s stunned I’m serious.

“I’m lining everything up,” I say. “I’m checked out. I would never have married a man who treated me like this. I wouldn’t have stayed those first eight years if I hadn’t been so confused by his alternating charm and cruelty.”

“I can tell you’re checked out,” she says.

“I’ve talked to him,” I say. “There’s no reaching him. And it’s lonely being married to him.”

I feel relieved for the first time in years.

It’s the beginning of the summer and I’m at the Jersey Shore.

My husband and I go out to dinner.

I’ve already spent months talking to him about all of this. Not to mention, when we initially went to marriage counseling. I told him back then that if he ever treated me like that again I would be out of there.

Only now, it’s worse because I’m lonely.

He’s selfish and in his world.

We do not yet have a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. That would come with a psychologist some years later.

My husband is quiet.

It’s the first time he realizes my detachment.

I can tell he’s as stunned as my friend.

But I can no longer help it. Something in me has switched off. I’m young and I still have my signature moxie, as well as, a lot of self-respect. Sadly, I will lose some of that moxie by feeling sorry for him.

It’s one of the reasons I’m telling this part of my story.

A part I’ve never told.

We limp through the summer.

As the school year starts I ready myself to leave.

I feel bad but he has mistreated me for the last time. We co-exist in our house but I feel next to nothing for him any longer. It surprises even me. My college sweetheart and best friend no longer has any hold over me.

But I told him I wouldn’t tolerate that cold cruel cycle.

I told him I felt lonely being married to him and dreamed of meeting someone who cared about me. He didn’t care about how he was treating me. And he was angered by me saying I felt lonely being married to him.

One day I noticed something.

He’s losing his hair.

I knew the cause.

He’s stressed that I am leaving him. I feel sick about it. We are young and he has ridiculously thick hair. It began thinning within several months of me saying I was going to leave him.

It’s no coincidence.

I now feel terrible.

I made no apologies for leaving him before this.

I had done my due diligence.

I had not only never married the guy I dated but I had already tolerated too much. I had given my marriage much more than I should have. If I had been dating him those first two years of marriage, he would never have seen me again.

But now I see a physical manifestation of my declaration.

It still makes me feel terrible thinking about it.

Amazing, considering his ultimate diagnosis and divorce abuse. I shouldn’t feel sorry for him at all. Certainly not all of these years later. But the memory of this still makes me sad.

He begins to treat me like gold.

He’s begging me for another chance.

I don’t think I will ever love him again.

The man who ignored or hurt me every holiday surprised me with trips to Aruba and South Beach for our anniversary and my birthday. He buys me jewelry and takes a greater interest in me.

But it’s too little too late.

But I can’t stop feeling sorry for him.

I can’t help feeling responsible for his dramatically thinning hair.

Incredibly and foolishly, I remained married to him for two more years while not feeling much for him. It’s a testimony to the absurdity of my personality.

I took too much responsibility for something that I shouldn’t have.

He had made all of the choices he had made.

And feeling sorry for someone isn’t a reason to stay married.

I didn’t believe it possible…

But he ultimately wins me back.

By the end of those two years, some of my feelings for him returned. I do not understand narcissism. I have yet to become a relationship columnist and expert and dedicate more than a decade to the counseling and research of love, relationships, and narcissism.

What my husband has done is not uncommon.

The narcissist felt ‘he was losing.’

Narcissists want ‘to win.

That was my husband’s true agenda, not me.

Remember I had angered a narcissist by saying I felt lonely being married to him. Once you wrong a narcissist they will punish you. But first, he had to make sure he ‘had won.’ And gotten me back.

It was then he unleashed his fury.

But I don’t understand that a narcissist seeks to take you down.

They do that by going after your Achilles Heel.

Mine was a father who was an alcoholic. Those two years of blissful treatment turned to hell. My husband began to uncharacteristically behave badly when he drank.

Here’s where I lost my signature moxie.

That strong independent woman was gone.

My husband’s behavior traumatized and weakened me.

The stupidest thing I did was feel sorry for a man who consciously made years of his own choices. I didn’t own any part of that. I had already stayed longer and given him more chances than I should have.

Now he had me emotionally involved again.

I loved him once more.

And his drinking was eliciting more emotion, albeit negative.

I don’t like telling this one aspect of the story. I think because it still does make me feel bad to remember my initial realization about his hair loss. Even though I never told him that I noticed or spoke to him about it.

But I write about my experience to help others avoid it.

I’m not speaking strictly about narcissism.

I’m speaking to a bigger picture.

Lots of people stay married because they feel bad.

They feel bad about being unhappy. They feel bad about what it will do to the family. They feel bad about wanting to leave. They feel bad that they don’t love someone anymore.

They feel bad for their spouse because something compels them to.

It could be leaving someone with an addiction, it could be leaving someone with a broken heart, it could be leaving someone who’s just lost a job, it could be many reasons.

One spouse feels sorry for the other spouse.

More than…

They care about their own actual happiness.

So they stay to alleviate hurting that person.

I’m the child of divorce. I didn’t want my kids to be the children of divorce. At the same time, because I am the child of divorce I know it can be better. The best thing was my parent's separation.

It gave me pause only because I knew the pain they would experience temporarily. I knew in the long run divorce is a better alternative to an unhealthy home.

But I allowed myself to get sucked back in.

Our second marriage counselor would tell me I lacked self-protective instincts.

I don’t regret my divorce.

There’s a calm and happiness back in our lives.

And that’s what children deserve most. What do I regret? Feeling sorry for a man because that threw my kids into several years of an even unhealthier home. One that involved my husband’s drinking and regrettably because I didn’t leave, my reaction to his drinking.

A mother who didn’t raise her voice, now did when he scared them.

I said terrible things.

Looking back, the absurdity is my bad behaviors stemmed from my attempt to protect my children. I was telling my husband to stop. He wouldn’t. But his bad behavior resulted in my bad reaction.

My children would have been off had we left immediately.

That’s what happens when we stay unhappily married.

We aren’t keeping our family together.

We are destroying it in an entirely different way.

I wanted to be the role model I had previously been for my boys. The individual and mother I had been their whole lives. A joyful, positive, optimistic, happy leader.

Not someone who modeled ‘less than.’

Don’t kid yourself. Children are smart. They know our truth whether you think they do or not. They recognize love. They recognize genuine happiness. They understand if their parents are truly happy together.

Don’t stay married because you feel sorry for someone.

Don’t lose your moxie.

Relationships require we sacrifice some of ourselves, not all of ourselves.

And that guy I felt sorry for…

He didn’t feel sorry for me and our boys when he left us without food, transportation, electricity, health insurance, and so much more. He didn’t feel sorry for me when he left me with no savings and retirement.

Don’t stay married because you feel sorry for someone.