I Couldn’t Give Up on My Husband Until I Finally Could

This might be a clue you need to give up on your spouse too

I am driving the country roads near my home. I near a small bridge and a bend in the road. I have no idea how symbolic this moment will become. Ian Axel’s Say Something is playing as I lean into the curve.

It’s several years before A Great Big World’s Axel and King will record it with Christina Aguilera

It’s a haunting tune.

A cry for help.

An exhaustive plea to witness the investment of love. A reminder that someone in this world loves you enough to nearly destroy themselves waiting for you.

I’m ready for the words that fill the air.

They consume me.

I’m ready to give up on my husband…

Finally.

A breaking point that takes too long for damaged marriages to reach.

For the fixers, the pleasers, the worries, the guilt-ridden, the optimists, the tenacious, the overly responsible, and the overly committed. The determined spouses who take on the burden of both partners.

Because their other spouse has either abandoned themselves…

OR

The marriage.

And we can’t or maybe we won’t give up on them.

We justify it.

We need to keep our family together, we took a vow, the grass isn’t greener, they need us, they’re going through a hard time, or they don’t mean to behave badly or not be invested because they love us.

But do they?

I wouldn’t allow a person to beg for my attention.

I wouldn’t allow a person to plead for my relationship participation.

I wouldn’t allow a person to implore me to be self-responsible.

I wouldn’t allow a person to urge the recognition of my worth.

I wouldn’t allow a person to petition my devotion to our relationship.

I’m an adult.

I made the commitment.

I don’t need to be reminded how to be self-accountable and maritally accountable. I don’t need to behave poorly when I’m in a bad place. I don’t need to take my pain out on another human being.

I don’t need to be under-responsible for myself…

To the point, another person must be overly responsible for me.

Because that means my behavior is interrupting their lives.

I’m taking all of the attention.

When my marriage was failing I implored my husband to address his misery and his drinking. I had zero control over either of those things. Only he could figure out what was making him act out that way.

“I am a mother,” I would say. “Our children need and deserve my attention but you are consuming all of it.”

My husband didn’t care.

Our house revolved, not around a family.

It revolved around one man.

A selfish individual who had no problem watching his wife refuse to give up on him. Watching her attempt to do the work of both spouses in the relationship. Watching her run interference to protect his children from his bad behavior.

While he indulged his misery.

And made sure to spread it around.

I’m glad I gave up on my husband.

It took me far too long.

Why? Because I think we look at it all wrong. We insert our personalities and agendas into the problem.

WE are the ones who don’t want to give up. They already have. WE are the ones being responsible. They don’t have a desire to be. WE are the ones behaving as adults. They are the ones behaving like children.

WE are the ones fully committed to the relationship. They are not.

WE are the fixers. WE are the believers. WE are the rescuers. WE are the enablers. WE are the pleasers. WE are the optimists. WE are the tenacious.

WE are the deniers. They are showing us reality.

Both theirs and ours.

It’s not a happy situation.

WE just refuse to accept it.

Or to leave it.

My marriage was over the moment the dynamic in our relationship shifted. It was over the moment I had to start urging my husband to care about me, our children, and how he was negatively impacting our home.

It was over the moment I had to begin assuming responsibility for his behavior.

At first, it annoyed me.

I wanted him to grow up and figure out why he was uncharacteristically drinking. But the burden grew even larger. The more he digressed the more I believed he was in such distress I couldn’t leave him.

I worried something would happen to him.

In other words, I just took on more and more responsibility for him.

That’s when I couldn’t bring myself to give up on him.

That’s when the shift happened. Our conversations became completely one-sided. We didn’t figure out anything together. It was a wife giving a dissertation or as I always say, “A performance for one.”

Because he was no longer engaging.

Hence, one person has given up.

And the other spouse now refuses to give up.

They are going to save a party of two all by themselves.

It’s not realistic.

It was never realistic. One person can’t make a relationship happy or a relationship work. And who would want that type of relationship anyway? Everyone deserves better than that.

Married or unmarried.

As a relationship expert, I always say, “A relationship is ‘a relay’ and the proof is in the beginning of the word. The first two syllables illustrate it’s meant to be a back-and-forth between two people. It’s meant to be fluid.”

Not an exhaustive exercise for one.

I couldn’t give up on my husband until I finally could.

The relief was overwhelming.

For the most obvious reason, he had given up years before.