Abuse Has No Excuse
How “Malicious Mothers” Emotionally Abuse Children
She is all grown-up now, but the memories of her mother keep haunting her
My best friend can’t heal from the abuse that her mother has inflicted on her. You see, her mother is a narcissist. She did all she could to ruin her childhood and adolescence.
Back then, when she was just a child she didn’t understand that. She believed she had a loving and nurturing mother. Back then, she was stopped from talking to her father, seeing her friends, doing things that she would like to do.
Just because her mother said so.
Now, 20 years later — she’s grown up but hasn’t healed. Now, years later, she sees through her mother. Now she knows the true and “ugly” truth: she was emotionally and psychologically abused by her mother for years.
She has finally reconnected with her father, who did all he could to be present in her life. She was stopped by her mother from seeing her step-brothers. Now she spends the holidays with them.
As a child, she believed the lies her mother had told her. Narcissistic, malicious mothers are great at manipulating children and adults.
Either she was too “depressed” to take her out or she just left her behind while going out with random men: looking for a supply, someone who would please her, provide for her and ultimately take on the responsibility to raise my friend.
My friend despised Christmas for years.
This year though she has decided to write Santa a letter and share it with me. The letter goes something like this…
Dear Santa,
It has been a while since I have written to you. It has been over 20 years since I have written to you, to be more precise. Please excuse me for not reaching out earlier, asking “How do you do? How’s the business going?” and please do send my regards to Rudolf.
I’ve heard he had some troubles with his ankles. He should be more careful, especially at his age, he has no calf anymore.
Since then my Christmas spirit was destroyed.
This year, I decided to write you a letter, an honest letter. Simply confess and set the record between me, my mother and the North Pole straight. Where should I start?
I was six years old when my mother told me that my dad isn’t paying her enough for her to buy me Christmas presents. It was also then when she told me that Santa Claus isn’t real.
It was then when she told me “Your father destroyed Christmas”.
My father tried to make me believe that you existed up until I was 12 — but I already knew that you don’t because my mother told me so. I stopped getting excited and I knew that the presents came from him and not from you or my mother.
My father tried so hard to encourage me to believe in Santa Claus. You — the myth, the legend or just a plain wish. You, who have multiple names and different appearances.
My dad adored the idea of Santa Claus and the Spirit of Christmas and all that you stand for. He tried so hard to teach me that. But unfortunately, my mother — did all she could to stop me from speaking both to You and my father.
I was never good enough for my mother.
You see, my mother kept to herself, she never let me have playdates or have a friend’s over. She could not keep any job for more than a few months. She was always at home and I had 5 stepfathers in the span of 3 years when I was a teenager. Soon I stopped counting the number of my stepfathers…
I was invisible to my mother. Whenever I washed dirty dishes (hers and her boyfriend’s), being a polite girl as I was, I saw her in that corner of the kitchen sitting in the chair, smoking cigarettes. I did all the housework, you see, my mother was too tired for that.
She was there, silent, watching the television but she was looking through TV — she was completely distracted. Her gaze lingered on something invisible to my childish eyes. What was it that I thought she was looking at? Was it the new washing liquid advert? I don’t think so.
She was never truly present.
She barely noticed me. My mother only spoke to me when she needed something from me: to make her a sandwich, to comfort her when her third, fourth, fifth and sixth boyfriend left her.
She spoke to me when I talked to my father just so she could cut our conversations short. She always wanted to know every single detail about the conversations I’ve had with my dad.
My father wished to arrange more time to see me, but my mother disapproved — she just had to punish him for leaving her. But she has hurt me in the process.
I was only seen by my mother when she needed me.
My mother was guilt-tripping me for years. When I was 15 I wished to leave my mother and live with my dad. My dad fought so much for me, but he also knew that fighting with my mother would cause me to suffer even more so. Now I know he was right.
I repeatedly told my mother that I am leaving. My mother blocked the entrance door, but I pushed through and left, mother went after me screaming and begging me to come back to her. She threatened she would kill herself if I did not come back.
So I didn’t leave — I stayed and suffered.
That day my father was waiting for me at the airport and I never showed up. Ten minutes later my mother acted as if nothing happened. She prepared noodles because again due to my father we were “poor ”— while now I know he was overpaying the child support while my mother was spending the money on herself.
My mother made me stop talking with my dad. My father called me daily, at times I’ve had over 10 missed calls from him. He sent letters and presents but my mother kept those away from me, sometimes I found unopened presents in the trash but mostly I’ve never found any.
I had to put my dad on mute just to avoid “upsetting” my mother.
So I stood by her side and I gave up on being myself.
But I still had my father’s blood running through my veins so I tried my best to be better than my mother. I learnt foreign languages, I took art classes, I worked part-time jobs and I gave money to my mother.
My mother criticized me anyway. My art classes were a waste of money, my language skills were poor — even though my mother had none. And at that time, I spoke three foreign languages while my mother barely spoke one.
One day she wished me to spend time with my father abroad. Which was puzzling…But soon after she changed her mind, she did that a lot. There was always an excuse for me not to attend my friend’s birthday parties, go out, see my dad or take on anything I was passionate about.
My mother always conditioned me. Like she did with my father or any other of her supplies. She used phrased like “If you love me, then you would not be wanting to go see your father…”
My mother had attachment issues. Later I understood that my mother was a leech and I could not get her off of me. My mother wanted to be my only friend when now I know she was my foe.
When I begged her to have a sleepover at my friend's place, she would say things like this: “ What friends? These lowlifes? Who are they anyway? I do not like them at all…”
She would also add that If I keep spending time with other people “You will become incompetent just like your father. And you should pray that you even finish high school!”
My mother never finished high school. My father is a successful businessman.
All of this torture, abuse and criticism has broken me down. My mother never comforted me. But guess what, I am forgiving her this Christmas.
Because I do believe in miracles and in Santa Claus, as my father has taught me.
My friend’s mother is a sick and miserable woman. Unfortunately, the brutal truth is that there are many women like her out there abusing children. Malicious mothers ruin children’s childhoods.
Maxwell Jordan wrote a profound article on the topic of toxic mothers and the patterns of abuse. Some of the most common traits include:
- Belittling achievements;
- Over criticism;
- Repeatedly breaking promises;
- Silent treatment;
- Making you feel guilty when you are not;
- Being passive-aggressive;
- Not allowing you to be yourself;
- Putting the responsibility on you to take care of her and make her happy;
- Alienating from your father and the paternal family.
My friend was always good enough. She was more than good enough. She was better than her mother and that’s what made her mother abuse her.
This letter represents the letter of all emotionally abused children. This letter is for the grown-up warriors who have survived and are on the path of healing from emotional abuse.
Unfortunately, women can abuse too. Quite often they do it more subtly, covertly than men and get away with it. Let’s not let them get away with it.
Agree? JS Adam; Maxwell Jordan; Dr Mehmet Yildiz
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