Abuse Has No Excuse
How Mother’s Stop Fathers From Getting Involved In Their Children’s Lives
“Gatekeeping” is a socially accepted form of psychological and emotional abuse.
My mother was a “gatekeeper”. She would do everything in her power to thwart my father from being close to me and my older sisters. She was the dictator in our family, while he was her soldier.
Fortunately, I’ve realized that my mother had many narcissistic traits and that she was abusing my father.
You see “gatekeeping” is when mothers try to control and conquer others — they manage the household, the finances, they make plans for the children, they dictate the time the father is “allowed” to spend with them.
“Gatekeeping” is very common in our society and unfortunately, it’s accepted behaviour.
God forbid if a man stands up to this abuse, he will be faced with threats of divorce and not seeing his children anymore.
This happens in families where couples are living together, married and even more often in separated families.
“Gatekeeping” is a form of parental alienation.
I was always closer to my father than my sisters were, and at times my mother punished me for this. She used to tell me that I love my father more than her and that this would eventually kill her.
My mother died from pancreatic cancer and I know it was not my fault.
I remember my mother used to call me and my sisters to the kitchen to “have a girls talk”. This is how mothers usually manipulate daughters, pointing out the gender, highlighting “girls time” or “girls night out” just to exclude the man in the family.
She would always add, “Anything we talk about here, we won’t tell your father, okay?”. There was no rational reason to exclude my father from our talks. Looking back I know that my mother wanted to create two sides in the family, and we had to pick sides.
Just recently my good friend who has gone through a nasty divorce is experiencing the same issues with his ex-partner. To stop the contact between the child and him the ex repeatedly arranges “girl sleepovers” and “girl night outs” on his scheduled visitation dates.
The malicious ex also involves her sisters, friends and even neighbours — all female, and all with narcissistic traits to help her execute her vicious agenda.
Maternal gatekeeping is a covert form of emotional and psychological abuse.
It doesn’t matter if these women are separated or in a relationship they keep doing this because they want to control the men and the children. They want to breed a little army of loyal soldiers that abide by them.
Just recently I was on a video call with my other good friend who just had a baby. His wife was on the call with us, as she often is. She pointed out the baby’s skin is reddish, panicking if perhaps the baby has jaundice. My friend reassured her that everything is fine, he is a nurse after all.
“I know my baby the best — not you! And when I tell you something is wrong it’s wrong! Do you hear me?!”
We said our goodbyes after that.
It puzzles me why are we so cool with all this maternal gatekeeping and abuse going on around us. We all believe that mothers are so nurturing and loving.
“Mothers and women just don’t abuse — no way!”
But on the other hand when we speak of unfaithful husbands, dead-beat dads— we believe it instantly, it’s so common!
After all, “Where had all the good men gone?”
No ladies, “Where had all the good women gone?!”
When mother’s gatekeep they impact the child’s healthy development. Usually, these mothers think they know what’s the “right” way to parent the child. And when the father disagrees, the mother attempts to control him or just excludes him altogether and does everything herself.
What are some of the common examples of maternal gatekeeping?
- Controlling the time the child spends with the father;
- Keeping secrets from the father concerning the child;
- Not updating the father on health, schooling and social life of the child;
- Not including the father in school and social activities of the child;
- Using phrases such as “I know what’s best/ right for the child” or “You are doing this wrong, let me do it right way”;
- Including the maternal family in parenting the child while excluding the paternal family.
The more gatekeeping mom does, the more it affects what the child thinks of the father. Sometimes mothers aren’t even aware that they are doing this, but in other cases, they do this intentionally with an agenda to:
- Punish the father;
- To control the father and the child;
- To feel better about herself — due to her own insecurities as a parent;
- Due to unresolved mental health issues;
- Or because she was taught to parent this way (for example her own mother was doing the same thing to her father.
It is always in his child’s best interest for fathers to be involved.
Mothers who gatekeeps think that they have gained control and that they are winning but in the long run they will lose. Their children will grow up and realize soon enough that what their mothers doing — was wrong. In the end, mothers will hurt themselves and will suffer from even higher levels of anxiety and depression by constantly trying to “guard” the path to the other parent.
It’s important for society to acknowledge this ugly phenomenon. We should fight against maternal gatekeeping and men should be more encouraged to speak up about it.
After all, we all know for a fact that children do better in life when they have committed and involved fathers.
Especially when the access to them is unlimited, as it should be.
#AbuseHasNoExcuse #Mentoo Maxwell Jordan
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