Abuse Has No Excuse
This Is Why When You Assume — You Unitenionally Harm Others
Assuming is a form of emotional abuse.
We all make assumptions. We assume pretty much about anyone or anything on a daily basis. It’s so easy just to think that we “know” what’s going on in someone else’s life.
We imagine that we know or understand why somebody chooses to act the way they do.
But the truth is we don’t know.
We just make a guess based on our own perception without taking into account the facts of the situation.
My manager assumed that I am handling my job well and then he decided to swamp me with more tasks. This resulted in me having a severe panic attack and ending up in hospital.
When I was 8 years old my peers assumed that I must be dangerous because I am Serbian, so they bullied me.
One of my teachers assumed that I was cheating and copying my texts because she could not grasp that I could write well about topics such as World War II.
Had she asked, she would have learned that both my grandparents fought in the war: they told me stories and I read many war-themed books. My Italian grandmother was a spy and helped Jewish people flee Rome — a book was written about her.
Or just perhaps I was talented.
No, my teacher assumed and accused me of plagiarism instead.
I used to assume a lot. I even accused my partner of cheating when he was staying up late with his friends planning our trip to the mountains where he wished to propose to me.
Just a few days back my good friend was accused by his wife of smoking cigarettes because he was at his friend's house who smoked — so his clothes stank from smoke. She assumed that her husband is lying to her.
We assume, accuse and make poor decisions based on “assumptions” and not based on facts.
And the problem with making assumptions is that more often than not, we’re wrong. We assume that a person has a specific motivation for their actions.
By doing this we damage relationships. We hurt the others. We cause severe issues.
Just recently my friend’s ex accused him of kidnapping their child just because he planned a surprise trip for their son and took him out of the country, with her consent of course. The flight was delayed and she assumed that he won’t come back so she reported him to the authorities.
She was wrong of course — the flight was delayed, that's all.
Assumptions can ruin families and harm children.
We make assumptions of all sorts every day. Some are trivial and others can be quite devastating. But almost every single one of them is false.
Making assumptions repeatedly is a form of emotional abuse. We base our understanding of other people on what’s going on inside us. If we feel insecure in our relationship we accuse our partner of cheating and lying.
Here are some classic assumptions that can hurt relationships:
- Assuming that you are being cheated on without facts in support;
- Assuming that your partner is lying to you;
- Assuming that your partner doesn’t miss/care about you because he/she wasn’t in touch with you for a few hours;
- Assuming that because your partner isn’t talkative, he/she must be angry or upset with you;
- Assuming that if your partner disagrees with you on a certain subject he/she must be “against you”;
- Assuming that because you haven’t had sex in some time, he/she must be having it with someone else;
- Assuming that when your partner asks you for financial help, he/she must be using you;
- Assuming that your relationship is doomed after having a disagreement with your partner/friend or family;
- Assuming that your partner must know how you feel, especially since you two have been together for some time;
- Assuming that if your partner wants to spend time alone with his friends that he doesn’t love you anymore;
- Assuming that your partner should know your needs, and therefore fulfil them if he/she doesn’t then the relationship isn’t working out.
To stop making assumptions and harming your relationships you need to first recognize and accept that you are making them in the first place. Then you should also question your own thoughts — where are these assumptions coming from, are there any facts behind them?
Ask yourself something like this:
- What facts do I have to prove this assumption?
- What facts do I have to prove this is not true?
- Is this my own opinion, or did someone else teach it to me?
My mother used to accuse my father of all sorts of things. She also loved to assume a lot. When she felt uncomfortable in public transport, she used to tell me that she was certain that the driver is drunk — that’s why he was driving so fast.
The driver was obviously not drunk. My mother just had a lot of fears — and making false assumptions was her speciality. She also wanted to keep everyone under her control.
A lot of assumptions are about wanting to control life and others. For example, because you can’t control what others think you will rather assume that you know what they think. When instead you can just — ask and listen.
You could also try learning to trust others.
Assumptions are sometimes hard to identify because they are thoughts we are so used to making that they can go by without us even noticing. But that’s why it's important to keep your thoughts in check because making frequent assumptions not only destroys relationships with people you love but it also harms you.
The more you open yourself to a possibility that you are assuming you will be able to change your thoughts process and new perspectives and possibilities will start opening for you and for your life.
At the end of the day, we are what we think we are. Others become what we think of them. Don’t let assumptions get between you and the others.
And remember when you assume, you just make an arse of me and you!
#Getyourfactsstraight #truewriter Maxwell Jordan
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