Mental Health
Instead Of Quitting, I Took A Sick Leave To Focus On Writing
Are you experiencing “Burnout” or “Awakening”, or both?
I never believed in “burnout”. I thought it was just a new name for severe anxiety and depression. Or just another excuse for employees who hate their jobs and want to go on sick leave.
I mean it’s still difficult to receive a full medical diagnosis for “burnout” as the condition itself was just recently described by Herbert Freudenberger in the 1970s. At times I even considered a “burnout” an excuse for the lazy entrepreneurs.
Burnout is made up. Or that’s what I thought until I’ve experienced it. To those who are conflicted as I was — trust me burnout is real and it can be devasting.
I worked since I was 16: I worked when I was in high school, I worked in college — not just one job but three. I didn’t have to work, as I was blessed enough to come from quite an affluent family.
I worked because I wanted to succeed in life. Quite often I managed to work two/three jobs, attend and excel at school, learn foreign languages, write and play in the theatre.
“Do you have an engine stuck in your ass”? my sister asked.
In translation they were stating the obvious — I was just unable to keep still.
For the past seven years, I was working as a business development manager in the video games industry. My focus was on all markets therefore sometimes I would work very late hours. My work also required me to travel a lot internationally.
I considered myself to be a workaholic. I loved my job — or so I thought. It seemed that I loved the feeling of being a “successful woman ”. And if that meant working 24/7 then be it.
My travels stopped during the lockdown — but the demand for video games increased massively. I took no vacation during the first year of the pandemic and slowly but certainly I started to feel ill like my body was giving up. I was feeling more often exhausted.
I hoped that this feeling will pass over the summer when I finally took a few days off but instead it got worse. Back then I was in denial that I have it under control.
But how can I have something under control that I can’t pin down?
A few months back the company announced that they will require us all back in the office. I never liked working in the office, it caused me great anxiety, especially after getting used to spending time with my loved ones during the day. Also, my work doesn’t require me to be in the office.
I was baffled and so were many of my colleagues. But the company gave us an ultimatum, either we go back or we leave. I wasn’t ready to leave yet — even though I knew that I’ve lost the initial passion that I’ve had for video games. There were also a lot of other things happening in the background, that contributed to my state worsening:
- I was in the middle of renovation of my house;
- My beloved dog died;
- I never processed the death of my friend;
- I was conflicted about the job, as I wished to write instead;
- I just could not grasp the “new normal”.
Everything was coming at me from all angles and I just wished not to admit it.
Last Monday I ended up in the E.R because I had a severe panic attack. The doctors said it was because of the chronic stress that I was experiencing. My general practitioner called it “burnout”.
I suspect it can be an “awakening”.
How did does burnout feel?
Looking back, I realized that for the past few months I felt detached from the work I was doing. I used to come to the office and feel frustrated whenever the team spoke of our “achievements.” The presentations, online conferences, small talks, office jokes — all felt ridiculous and pointless to me.
I knew I didn’t fit in. At times I felt so angry for feeling this way — I really wanted to laugh at the stupid joke that was made during the stand-up, but I just could not.
I was cynical as well. When I felt my colleagues stressing over some deadline I wished to tell them, no — scream at them “It doesn’t matter, because we will all die anyway! So who cares about the deadline?”.
The team was looking forward to team buildings, office parties while I just wished to go home and sleep. I was exhausted not just psychically but emotionally as well. I just knew I’ve lost my spark.
I even started taking myself out on the dates to the Opera, theatre, cinema — hoping that would help me get “myself ”back. It worked — for a few hours until the next day I had to go back to the office.
The day the panic attack happened I felt like a failure. Doing the job I was doing wasn’t enough, writing wasn’t getting me enough followers and my other side hustles were just not as enjoyable as they used to be.
“What’s the point of earning money when I spend them instantly anyway and they don’t bring me happiness?”
In E.R I told the nurse that I would pay her extra if she “saves” me.
That evening I was certain I would die — I could not breathe, my mouth was dry, I felt a metallic taste in my mouth and my whole body was trembling at times I could not feel my left hand.
I knew I was having a heart attack when actually I was having a panic attack.
When they let me go home I thought I came to the most obvious realization — no money will save you from death. While drifting to sleep, I’ve asked myself:
“Why am I am working so much?”
I am very ambitious. I am very insecure. I thought that titles could cure my insecurity.
High achievers are the ones who are most at risk for burnout, and their natural instinct when they start to feel tired is to pedal faster on the treadmill.
More of us are under stress. There is the financial insecurity, the neverending pandemic, the annoying colleagues, the deadlines, needy children, old parents. Your body is chronically on edge while your mind is on fire — trying to process all the information and respond to it accordingly and ideally as soon as possible.
So it’s natural that you panic — your mind overloads.
Burnout and panic can be closely connected. Burnout is a longer state of body/and mental exhaustion. While a panic attack happens very quickly, but it could also last hours as you may be experiencing several panic attacks at the same time.
Sometimes the first panic attack is the start of burnout.
How does awakening feel?
Currently, I am on sick leave and I feel way better. I am still cynical and somewhat detached, I feel anxious going out (which is stressful as I am a very active person) and I fear that my panic attack will return. I need time to heal.
But I am also very confused — what if I am experiencing an “awakening”, meaning that my mind is telling me to pursue a different lifestyle altogether?
Do you feel you can do more?
I started evaluating what I have been doing for the past few years in the video games industry. To put it bluntly, I’ve been feeding addicts with drugs.
I worked on some of the most addictive video games and I’ve created marking campaigns and partnerships on how to make the players spend more time and money within these games.
I can do better than that. I don’t want to be a legal “drug dealer”. I would rather help people how to “regulate” the time they spend playing video games.
Is this really it?
To be honest I can’t see myself “selling video games ” in 5-years time. I’ve been there long enough — I know I can earn well, I can earn more and that I can reach the top management easily. But do I want it?
No — then why stay there even a day?
If you too feel disappointed at work or question whether you’re in the right place, it’s likely that you’re experiencing feelings of disengagement.
Are you brutally honest with your needs and wishes?
I want to write. There it is, I’ve said.
We all have a story to tell. This is mine. In the end, we are all just stories.
My good friend told me that the first step to combating burnout is to recognize it in yourself. We like to avoid, deny and we don’t want to be perceived as “weak”.
Burnout is a real thing. You’re not “just a little tired”. There is a difference between having a tough week and feeling chronically tired, disengaged and daily daydreaming that you could be doing something else with the time you have.
If you feel similar like I did you may need to face the fact that you’re experiencing burnout, awakening or both. Perhaps it’s time to ask yourself some tough questions and be brutally honest with yourself. Also, I would suggest doing these things:
- Take time off;
- Speak to therapist, friends and family;
- Write your thoughts down.
Don’t wait until your body and mind give up — watch out for the signs.
I consider myself lucky that I had “just” a panic attack. I am grateful that my mind told me to “stop” and “re-evaluate” what am I doing.
“What am I doing?”
I don’t know yet — but I will keep on writing as it takes my “stress” away.
“What are you doing that helps you stay in balance?”
Maxwell Jordan, Dr Mehmet Yildiz
Want to support my journey and buy me a coffee?
Please do HERE.
Want to read more and write yourself?
SUBSCRIBE BELOW!