Half-Witticisms of Elizabeth Emerald Volume Seventeen

Wise-ass comments of mine that garnered thousands of claps …(or will, as soon as I figure out how to self-applaud)

As always, I’m stretching my claim to cleverness. The primary purpose of this series is to “boost” posts — and the morale of their creators.

Christine Stevens

And very HARD to explain in words

I have faith in your powers of dickscription.

Phillip T Stephens

He shrugged. “I said you didn’t have to take your clothes off. I didn’t say I couldn’t play with your buttons.”

He “got off” on a technicality.

Gregory Cody

… he never took his shirt off in public. It was too revealing.

Alas, I have very little to reveal, both of which would escape notice.

J.R. Schaefers

… to top it all off the bitch was leaving motivational notes for me and baking ketogenic n’oatmeal cookies.

To motivate you to fix your fucked-up life or to choke down her ketogenic hockey pucks?

Malky McEwan

Thanks for the tips. I am metaphorically challenged and hopelessly literal-minded. [To wit:]

Also, he’s unquestionably not the brightest bulb in the knife drawer.

… or the sharpest knife in the lamp.

Dan R. Green

As you can see, stem cell patches either reverse the flow of time or enable more flattering photos.

I had my cards read. The tarot reader told me the 10 of swords meant that woman in your photo display had undergone a face lift in January 2023.

But there were no more details about them, such as how they travel between the stars and what they eat for breakfast.

1. wheelbarrow
2. bowl of crystals with a side of tarot cards.

I also work with mother and father God, and Jesus angels, and fairies, gnomes and other entities and spirits.

Not anymore he doesn’t. They all quit on the swindler. He paid them a pittance. In astral coinage. Counterfeit to boot.

I remove negative energies that are attached to you.

Wish I’d known back in 1996. And in 2004. He’s probably a tad cheaper than my divorce lawyer.

I can see what foods your body does not agree with.

Any time my body starts to argue with a brownie, guess whose side I take.

Reiki-infused jewelry (whatever that means)

Cheap silverplate, the bulk of the real stuff having been sucked out to allow for the infusion.

Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster

Kevin’s, Jim’s and Matt’s privy members rotted off a long time ago.

O the irony! A three-pack of dickless dicks.

Deb Palmer

… take up your sword, march to war, and become ravishingly lovely in your heart and soul. Remember whatever is inside your cup is what will spill out.

Not much in my cups to spill.

Mark Tulin

(The Heron attempts to whistle like Otis Redding, but there’s a plastic straw stuck in his gullet.)

I tried to sing like Otis Redding and someone stuffed a sock down my gullet.

Mark Suroviec, M.Ed.

Thinly-Veiled-Reference-to-the-Size-of-Your-Male-Sexual-Organ

Inchworm

Let the record show I do not call my wife any of these atrocious pet names — except Boo Mama because it makes us giggle.

My erstwhile husband was the inspiration for “Inchworm.” (An exaggeration by half.)