Scientists Say There May Have Been a Second Big Bang

This could explain a lot — last night for instance.

Wow. Just wow.

The scientific world is perhaps experiencing a real shock. They always thought there was one big bang.

Then you came over last night. Kaboom! That was earth-shattering, paradigm-shifting steaming hot sex, my friend. Of course we need to wait until all the data points are gathered. But it’s possible a whole new universe got created, which will throw physicists in laboratories across the world into confusion.

I get it. I was once like them. I used to think there was one big bang. it happened like billions of years ago and had very little to do with me.

Then Juan happened.

Yeah, it was a big bang. Very BIG. And very HARD to explain in words.

It’s impossible for me — or scientists for that matter — at the very beginning of this second universe, the actual BIG BANGING, so to speak, because that would be pure pornography. However, I can make some reasonable statements about what followed immediately after.

In the first moments immediately after the Big Bang:

Everything felt extremely hot and dense. As it began to slowly cool down, I felt that conditions might be right to give rise to the building blocks of things that matter —the quirks and electronic feelings of bonding and attachment.

A few millionths of a second later, these quirks aggregated inside me to produce teensy tinesy particles of limerance and whimsy. I felt like I had almost become like an animated cartoon, lying in a two dimensional bed. But my brain was still three-dimensional in space, on a bed that was spinning around and around. But then, I felt my heart expanding, and things happened more slowly. About 380,000 milliseconds later, I felt my animated self becoming trapped in an orbit around what can only be described as a nucleus — you! And that formed the first atom of this new universe.

“Is this a relationship?” I heard myself asking you. Shut up! I screamed to myself, but it was too late. The words had been spoken.

I could see it in your face. Your eyebrow raised. You farted loudly. I would guess it was mostly helium and hydrogen that came out.

“I’ll take that as a yes!” I said happily.

Then, about 150 million milliseconds after our big bang, a star began to form. Around your head. It was glowing. You were glowing. I was glowing. It was so, well, glow-y.

Then the star exploded! Yup, you farted again. Like a supernova. In a spectacular stellar explosion, sending heavy gases and elements throughout these new galaxies we had created together.

But stars and galaxies do not tell the whole story. My extremely sensitive paranoid calculations suggested that the visible part of this new universe only told a very tiny part (4%) of the tale of what the new universe was made of. A large fraction of the new universe (26%) was made of a mysterious thing called “dark matter.” There was a large percentage of your glow-y, star like face that was in fact not emitting any light or radiating any joyful radiation of any kind. I could just sort of feel its “gravitational effects.”

“What’s wrong, Juan?” I asked. Trying not to seem too desperate.

“Nothing. I should go. Gotta be up early tomorrow. This was fun. Thanks for a great hookup.”

“Huh?”

As you dressed, I had to redo some of my calculations.

“A great hookup?” I said.

“Oh yeah, that was wild,” you said, kissing me on the head and then heading out the door into the dark, starless Barcelona night.

Somewhere in the distance a flamenco guitarist played, and I could hear the heels thumping against some sort of wooden floor.

Or was that my heart?

And that flamenco singer wailing so funereally her lament…

… was that actually me?

This new universe, it’s all so new and so strange I can’t seem to get my bearings.

“Juan!” I yelled. “Juan, where did you go!”

You stepped back into my bedroom.

“I just went to the bathroom,” you said. “I haven’t left yet! Jesus. You’re not one of these overly attached girlfriend types are you?”

What the hell? How could he think such a thing? These Spanish men. Such machistos. They think the world revolves around them.

“Well, if you’re gonna leave, leave. Get out, now!” I yelled. I grabbed something from my headboard and threw it in his direction.

In the early stages of this new, second universe, objects were hurled far across the galaxies at the speed of…well, the speed of a large battery powered alarm clock that I had bought at Media Markt. That’s like Spain’s Best Buy.

Juan ducked. The clock shattered against the wall.

“Shit, I loved that clock,” I said.

“You’re loca!” he said, smiling. Spanish men like a hot blooded hussie, you know that. This new universe was just getting started!!!

The front door of the apartment closed.

“Call me!” I yelled out the window.

And that’s when it occurred to me. This whole crazy night, meeting Juan at the bar where my group of friends and his group of friends merged and intermingled more and more as the drinking proceeded, and he and I somehow detached from our respective groups and ended up coming back to my place.

“It’s like a whole new universe was created by this second big bang,” I thought to myself.

Who knows what beautiful constellations and zoographies of stars this will lead to? Who knows!!!!