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Abstract

aren’t you helping, Sweet Cheeks?”“You didn’t ask for my help, Irish Stud Muffin,” she responds.<h2 id="547d">What should he say next?</h2>“Butter Bosoms, was it not obvious I needed help? Do I have to program you line by line like a 1960s computer?”[Incorrect, please try again]My one-and-only Splenda Lips, after fifteen years of marriage, don’t you know it’s your job to read my mind and then do the stuff I never asked?[Error]Junk-in-the-Trunk, your sister would have found my vest by now — because she went to MIT and works at NASA.[Worse than the first one]Mon Petit Chou Chou, would you do me the honor of donning the epic quest of hunting for thine lost vestiges of Patagucci?[Try saying it without sarcasm or an actor on Game of Thrones]Everlasting Love Nugget, will you please help me find my missing fleece?[Winner, Winner, Make your d*nm dinner]<h1 id="7ebb">Unused Pet Names Needing a Good Home</h1>Graduates of the <a href="https://readmedium.com/scandal-rocks-prestigious-university-5f5c56a13f9e">Fartwaff

Options

le Institute of Improv Performance</a> provided the following creative ramblings of pet names unable to find a good home in the dialogue above. Adopt a Tender Little Starling today.<ul><li>Scootlebug</li><li>Freight Train Carrying Dat Caboose</li><li>Wood-in-the-Suds</li><li>Dumpy Dumplins</li><li>Hawt Cakes</li><li>Poopers</li><li>Puffy Wally</li><li>Butt Muffin</li><li>Marshmallow Heart</li><li>Flower Bud</li><li>Whiskers</li><li>Cheese Muffin</li><li>Chungus</li><li>The Big Cheese</li><li>Mama’s Spagett (“i” optional)</li><li>Thinly-Veiled-Reference-to-the-Size-of-Your-Male-Sexual-Organ</li><li>My Suprise Tater Tot in the Fries Bag</li><li>The Morning Dew</li><li>The Rescuer in my Down Under</li><li>My Bosom Bop-It™</li><li>My Handful of Shredded Cheese Straight From the Bag at Midnight</li></ul>Sincerely,Rebecca M. Fartwaffle, Ph.D.<figure id="c803"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*98i3STOfJ0tOxKULAFD6wg.png"><figcaption>Maturity. Shenanigans. Fidelity</figcaption></figure><h1 id="dbcb">Footnotes</h1>¹ Let the record show I do not call my wife any of these atrocious pet names — except Boo Mama because it makes us giggle.</article></body>

Relationships

Stupid Fights With Your Partner

How NOT to argue with your “Surprise Tater Tot in the Fries Bag”

He deserves it — Image by Claudio_Scott from Pixabay

100% not inspired by real-life arguments with my wife.

Act One

“Boo Mama, have you seen my fleece vest? You know, the one I wear daily to look like a hedge fund manager on holiday in Switzerland. We’re late for the work event you don’t want to attend, where people tell me I’m important.” ¹

[He wonders why she has not offered assistance after fifteen minutes of frantic searching for the apparel in question. He gives up in frustration and storms outside to the minivan.]

“Why aren’t you helping, Sweet Cheeks?”

“You didn’t ask for my help, Irish Stud Muffin,” she responds.

What should he say next?

“Butter Bosoms, was it not obvious I needed help? Do I have to program you line by line like a 1960s computer?”

[Incorrect, please try again]

My one-and-only Splenda Lips, after fifteen years of marriage, don’t you know it’s your job to read my mind and then do the stuff I never asked?

[Error]

Junk-in-the-Trunk, your sister would have found my vest by now — because she went to MIT and works at NASA.

[Worse than the first one]

Mon Petit Chou Chou, would you do me the honor of donning the epic quest of hunting for thine lost vestiges of Patagucci?

[Try saying it without sarcasm or an actor on Game of Thrones]

Everlasting Love Nugget, will you please help me find my missing fleece?

[Winner, Winner, Make your d*nm dinner]

Unused Pet Names Needing a Good Home

Graduates of the Fartwaffle Institute of Improv Performance provided the following creative ramblings of pet names unable to find a good home in the dialogue above. Adopt a Tender Little Starling today.

Scootlebug
Freight Train Carrying Dat Caboose
Wood-in-the-Suds
Dumpy Dumplins
Hawt Cakes
Poopers
Puffy Wally
Butt Muffin
Marshmallow Heart
Flower Bud
Whiskers
Cheese Muffin
Chungus
The Big Cheese
Mama’s Spagett (“i” optional)
Thinly-Veiled-Reference-to-the-Size-of-Your-Male-Sexual-Organ
My Suprise Tater Tot in the Fries Bag
The Morning Dew
The Rescuer in my Down Under
My Bosom Bop-It™
My Handful of Shredded Cheese Straight From the Bag at Midnight

Sincerely,

Rebecca M. Fartwaffle, Ph.D.

Footnotes

¹ Let the record show I do not call my wife any of these atrocious pet names — except Boo Mama because it makes us giggle.